midnightmatters

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Toronto, Ontario, Canada
This Blog is not for the faint of heart,my direct approach is to address the importance of lifestyle choices.. education and awareness.the story will unfold Midnight matters ..days just slip away..and nights get longer writing has been a passion of mine now I share it with my audience. sharing my stength.hope,faith Everything in between Thanks for visiting come back soon!

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Thursday, April 30, 2009

Some days I'll call them low moods

I call them low moods,as I just don't like the word Depression I can't believe I even wrote it it just urks me it implies no hope and I am a very optimistic person usually. Bipolars do have depression and on my day of low moods they have in my life lasted days weeks and months.

I am now fully aware of what makes up my low moods.but when when I first started having them I had no clue.just that I was no longer functioning, no interest in anything, sleeping sometimes 1o-15 hours a day everyday and still no energy, feelings of being overwhelmed by what I don't know as I was always asleep but during my times I was awake the thinking of despair would not go way.thoughts like what's happening to me? I can't even take care of myself any more? how am I going to manage my life? what will become of me.normally I am high functioning and multitasking but during these times I am not able to do very much.
I became more and more isolated I didn't want people to see me like this.I didn't feel good and it showed in my face and my appearence.my confidence was stripped from me completely.
I have since learn alot about the illness and ways that I can improve my quality of life and have had great success.
I do have the odd day when the D word come to the surface and rears its ugly head.but now I know its a dangerous place for me to entertain.I can't go there or stay there.
I would joke with the doctor just give me a some-thing some-thing so I can snap out of it.
it's a dark lonely place.with no end in sight.but I am here to tell you my friends it does end as all things do.
I have to take my well-being into account and do all the things I can to feel good and be good
and on the low mood days like today I started the day off right prayer/meditation my i hour walk,,water, veggies aah I see there is no sunshine today see the sun doesn't shine everyday my friends.

Monday, April 20, 2009

STREET DRUGS VS PRESCRIPTIONS


OK even for me before I started to write this I had to take a few deep breaths and ask keep an open mind as tt is controversial and will continue to be.
my point of of view is from an addict and as a bipolar person who has lived with addiction for all of my life, however have overcome many drugs and bipolar as well and continue with it as it is a life long illness it does not go away.

that being said street drugs and there are many,is a way for the addict and the bipolar to self medicate it helps to reduce feelings,anxiety,gives a sense of calm,reduces the amount of thinking,
way to be social,kind of cool,this is taking be back to 18 yrs ago when I was addicted to cocaine,
pills uppers.so I am thinking of why? it was a lifestyle,for me then,everyone did it,lines but then I graduated to the pipe crack.1000.00 dollar a day habit, initially it startswith smoking cigarettes
alcohol ,pot,hash,uppers,downers
acid,mushrooms,coke,crack,

I was able to stop using drugs and alcohol by the grace of God
it was not an easy road by any means The program of A.A was my support

BIPOLAR
When my bipolar diagnosis came initially I was still drinking and doing street drugs,and adding precriptions to the mix.I was not educated or had my bearings or clear or sound mind
this is not a good cocktail...I would end up in the hospital on at least 3 occasions for this bad combination and finally one day I went to DETOX.
Once I got clean and sober 8yrs later...and 12yrs of non treatment for my BIPOLAR
it hit like a ton of brinks RAPID-CYLING ACUTE BIPOLAR was my diagnosis the doctor was quite serious and very concerned.as he explained to me it is a brain disease YIKES I said to myself he gave me a presciption I left in tears and went home.

the difference this time is I am fighting it the illness as hard as it is fighting me.
this time I took the pills as prescibed and complied with his treatment plans.
the side-effects of medications where awful,I gain weight 40lbs I looked and talked like a zombie,I had terrible shakes my hands,I was not leaving my house as I didn't want people to see me like this.
lucky for me I was med resistant so he took me off them .I just take one tablet now which keeps me calm,with no side-effects and helps me to lose weight which is great,

but with all these side effects in mind was it really any worse than the days gone by of using drugs or alcohol?
many people question medicationthose that are ill. yet they have no problem drinking a six pack or more smoking a few joints,or what ever there drug of choice may be,but when it comes to medication for mental illness or addiction somehow there is a disconnect.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Mania Madness

Rapid-Cycling Bi polars have the ability to go from one extreme to the next or both at the same time. Mania for me is wonderful, It is my favorite mood state the reason being my energy is high



I can do so many things very goal oriented during this phase,I become very happy and social, I look great and dress wonderful my alter ego appears Suzanne!!she is quite wild she love to work shop,gamble,increased sex drive,spends money,travels,and at times drinks and party!! its a great time while it lasts but it doesn't last long anymore,when I was younger.this was my life.and I could maintain but when the rapid-cycling diagnosis came.it hit me like a ton of brinks...to be discussed in another blog



Mania now occurs less frequently within the last year which saddens me but makes my doctor happy.as the goal is to shorten the cycles and severity of symptoms.

when I have a mania cycle now in only last at most 72hours where i do not sleep,work on the computer,if I am very hyper I clean my apartment scrubbing everything and throwing things out

even things that I could still use,I just like getting rid of stuff when I'm like this,or I keep myself very busy with bingo, walks, shopping and my dogs or my grand kids they usually tire me right
out then it takes me few days to recuperate from that my mania is nothing compared to 9 grand kids all under 10 and two dachshunds Lucy and Luke

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The World Health Organization an overview

It strikes me as funny sometimes, sad and then downright makes me angry,but I can't let emotions get the best of me when a subject matter such as Mental Illness and Addiction is so prevalent in our homes and communities thought our Nations.The more research I do on the subject the more revelations I have,unless you have actually gone through the experience which I have done.many others have as well it has not been my condition in which people including myself are what is preconceived by the general public or mental health professionals but rather individuals that have a illness in which they are faced with discrimination and stigma for something that is not of there choosing.

The role of STIGMA a private responsibility,and is further reinforced by stigma.
seriously Mental ill are perceived as unattractive and frightening group of people who cannot lobby for themselves and have no one to for them because of the association.
In the absence of a unified voice the easiest response for governments is to do nothing.
participating by a user in the mental health programming and policy development is negligent
Mental health users are a extremely invisible and marginalized lot.

Barriers in developing Mental health services can be overcome if there was greater political will to achieve this advocacy,for people with mental illness, better collaboration to improve the chances.

The fact that the field of mental health is fragmented into many types distracts policy makers from the whole mental health issue,
Behavioral violence, substance abuse,suicide
Severe Psychosis
unrecognized depression/anxiety

Mental Health/Disorders
has a two way relationship with poverty
20% of children drop out of school
74% are incarcerated
it is a leading consequence of violence against women
crisis war/ natural disasters

Sunday, April 5, 2009

The perceptions are mine

When a challenge arises, a crisis, a more than sad occasion like death it seems I am addicted to the drama I'll call life my life however with age I have learned to mellow and even combat the wild beast of Mania however I still am called apon when the crisis arise and with my experience
and fortitude am willing to help..I did not receive much of this in my life so I do my best to give where possible..but we all have the choice to do or die and it is a personal one what ever experience I try to command in anothers life its not there choice. It does sadden me as these are preventable and education are key to know ones benefits but yet again I am to the realization that all don't get that choice or chance

So why I ask have I been given the choice to be a voice for the addicted and mental health
as I am recovering from both.?

Not by will or by strength, but by might the fight to get well fight harder than the illness had taken me..

I am a very direct and to the point individual I come across some would say as harsh and tough
but when I am speaking to others the truth is harsh and tough and many don't want to hear and are not ready for the truth...

some have no awareness of the mental illness or addiction and that it a disease, an illness,
the right hemisphere of the brain does not allow 74% to see the symptoms,while to the observer
it is clear one is ill..so getting treatment is difficult when one cannot admit the are ill and the severity as mental health diagnosis are not favorable illness and difficult for even the patient to grasp initially however treatment is available and the doctors are there to prescribe
overall treatment options and recovery well that's usually not the case for many...

Mental health and Addiction are a widely talked about issue but what is being done to ensure the patients treatment options,quality of living,resources,support,family,work and diagnosis and recovery are substainable for the addict or mental health sufferer...

Thanks for dropping by..till next time

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The reason of all reasons

A blog dedicated to strength,courage and hope.
Mental Illness and addictions is a disease,it should be treated as such recovery is possible.
My goal is to carry the message to those that still suffer that you will not have to be in isolation. be free my friend at last.
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