Let's talk about relationships

Let's talk about relationships,first and foremost is the relationship with oneself.
When I was young,the relationship with my parents was turbulent,violent,abusive,and loving in a sick kind of way this bond was my first impression of what relationships are,as I moved forward to my teens,I wanted relationships with others friends and guys,I became very popular,when my friendships where formed I would have to move I learned at an early age that nothing is forever. everything is temporary
Family was forever as I had a strong bond with my grandparents.
as I embarked on my young teens.the more popular I became, the more friends I had.
The relationship I formed with myself was strong as many times when life was destructive in the home I was protective of myself and my 3 brothers.I didn't show emotions well.Fear of what will happen to us as a family was present scared of relationships.I kept emotional involvements far away.Then when I started to love boys
I made it so men served a purpose.you see my mother was a loose woman always hurt or abused by men.I vowed at 10yrs old that if she got 1 dollar for every guy she boinked she'd be rich.I instantly put two and two together money and sex.
relationship I formed I was the aggressor or abuser in a sense I became addicted to the high of falling hard for men,but justified it as they served there purpose.
My purpose at the time.
When I was 15 I was in a relationship with my children's father,his purpose was to have children no other reason.His presence in the children's life wasn't even concept for me.
As selfish as that seems now to me I really didn't no any better as the examples set before me was the norm.
Then I became involved in Love,it was what I knew,drinking drugs and sex.
home at last I was involved in a relationship someone just like my Dad,this relationship was about control,yet so out of control initially the attaction was good looks and great sex,partying and all that goes with it,
I was living in Vancouver to overcome my Cocaine addiction,enrolled in school,and working out at the gym,relationship was casusal which suited me fine.my one night stand lasted for over 10 yrs,through this time we engaged in our addictions and abuse of oneself and each other as the cycle goes the honetmoon stage was always spectacular romance,love,wild sex,then arguments and fights his drug addiction progressed to Cocain once we came back to Toronto,I had been there done that and knew I didnt want any part of this.Never ever.again we parted ways after I finally told him.the truth about my secret life,which included prostitution,
I will write about this in blogs to come stay tuned it is more than hinest and juicy accounts of life as a call girl.
His purpose was to work clean and help me raise the kids,he was good at all of these things the benifits of the great sex was a bonus plan.
I stayed single for 10 yrs after that,as I clearly had no concept of choosing the right gut nothing serious just casual non-attatched relationships worked for me.
untill I had a house fire the loss of all things material and the gift of life renewd
I yet again became involved with a drug dealer and drinker.he was perfect had five kids to.I was homeless after the fire began to evaluate my life,I began to care for this guy,feeling arose,he was yet another sexual relationship gone bad.The trust factor see I could fuck around but would not tolerate anyone doing this to me,double standard.
during that summer when I was concentrating on work,a client had asked me to go away for the week-end which I did I thought to myself how can I spend a whole week-end with someone you see my attention span was short when dealing with guys.
This man became my husband our relationship has lasted 8yrs something filled with love and purpose..till next time
Comments are appreciated

Self-Esteem The facts of feeling good

Self esteem we all seem to think we got it right,by the homes we live in,the cars we drive,the job title,our influence.
Self esteem is deeper than the superficial outwardly appearances,It is really about what we think of ourselves,sure you can try to fill the void with unfulfilled relationships,low paying jobs,and never reaching your full potential due to poor self esteem.am I attractive enough,smart enough,slim enough all the self doubt the negative self talk can weaken ones self esteem as well as allowing others to critize you
My first encounter with this topic was a psychotherapist,I have always thought highly of myself or so I thought.
The definition of self - esteem encompasses beliefs,emotions and behaviors.In Psychology self-esteem reflects a persons overall evaluation or appraisal of one's own worth.synonyms self worth,self respect.self respect,self integrity.
One way of communicating through speech and body language can reflect one's self esteem.How do you feel about yourself,do you have self-esteem.
The language that refers to self esteem today is self acceptance,self approval,self expression self assertion.self approval.self love,self realization.
Take away all the things the masks,the materials,what lies beneath?
A search for self?starts with self esteem

Celebrating my life,Today is my 46th Birthday

Ok so it's my birthday,not just any birthday a celebration of my life.who every thought I'd make it thus far,Not me

In getting an early start to the celebrations.I did an overview of my life,a sort of gratitude reminder of how lucky I am to be me.I have a wonderful family,a great many friends,and most important to me is my life and my experience that in turn help others.

Like today,I was able to help 4 people with alcohol problems,which in turn makes me question living as an adult of an alcoholic parent.My father to whom is long gone now but lives everyday through me and our family.see he did not have a choice with his illness and I do.just in that precious gift alone it is amazing.

To have the gift of my life and experience to share with others..Is so rewarding,however I must always remember in my celebration,there are others that still suffer.

that is the path for most the suffering but once you can accept,and release all in life is promised.

It is not in the achievement or reaching the goals so much but those that walk with you along the way,seeing them grow and flourish.and being a part of it.

This is really the ultimate I have ever seen.the love that exists through me and in me is from God. as I could never take the credit..

So at the end of this day I share a little bit of me along the way..
so that it inspires something in you to grow and make that change
One thing I have learned is never settle for what you think your worthy of
as what you think is far short of what your worthy of

Thanks Happy Birthday to me
Cheers to us!

The Universe is bigger than me...I am part of it

The Universe is bigger than me I am part of it.at times I think I am just a small part of the bigger picture.as I go along in my days I think how can I make that difference in my own life and those that I touch daily I use to think it was a big bang and it would magically happen.the big bang effect happens in my daily life each day that comes and goes I do my part,however big or small it may seem to me is really insignificant to the effects it has on each other through our lives as we live it,by our words and deeds.the active role we play in the universe sometimes I just want to make it go away the demands I put on myself,it seems sometimes that I have not attained the bigger picture as I see in my mind of what it is I want to give and take from life. When I take the moments to cool my jets.relax my brain and body it really does seem that it does not matter..in each second is what matters how I choose to use it make it and be it..the simple things that are of no value is what matters not the keeping up with Jone's or the car I drive the home in which I live none of this matters to me.sometimes the stuff in which we attach ourselves to seems to give the sense of our self but because I have no real attachment to things or people I have so much.I want for nothing ever.WHY cause the desires of my heart are always provided for they come from a place of love,love of God,myself the universe
family and friends so I am never lonely yet I am alone I am never bored as I am far from boring there are times there is way much to do I do know one thing that is for sure that as a small part of the universe I have a big part to play.In the lives of many for that I must do my part each day thanks for listening