It is out of my hands

Well it's been a few days still the upbeat mood,the energy is up and I love it that way,except when things are up I can spend myself into oblivion..yeap that's right I gamble..the stakes are high so I go higher..All in is my motto..go big or go home..
now I am home..gees can a girl get a break yes I did 1400.00 break which for 2 days work is not so bad..most would say? It is not what I need or wanted.. little ungrateful maybe..but right now..I am in the hole..It is temporary I know as I can't see beyond that right now..as I have big overhead right now..I must get to work or the ship will sink..is my thinking but I know within time this to will subside..paying the bills arrgg I hate doing this I can't tell you..but they don't care where the money comes from they just want there payments yes Its in the mail usually when I let things slide like the bills..something happens..they get paid..
and the process is slower..but they are getting paid just at a slower pace..I don't like it when things are slow and when I am in a high energy state everything goes slow for this girl..to slow yeah take it twice if it goes so slow..I am going to get myself ready to work next week as I have slacked off long enough..now that all the other things have slowed down the family drama I can get focused on work.finally
seems like the summer is going by very fast.faster than I can reach those goals I have set for myself.timing is everything and my timing is off..the inner clock is anyway
but this girl loves a challenge..when the chips are down I pull through..there down
when I am up this is a good combination..lets get done..stay tune if I pull through as I always do..triumph and victory is mine..Lets do it.

rollercoaster ride

The Hypomania is a sort of rollercoaster ride up,its been a few days now no sleep,the snapping when someone wants to speak,Gosh is that all they do is talk about nothing that keeps me interested..I mean really you open your mouth and my concentration is outta here..not to mention my body got to go..then gambling starts.yeah I love to gamble..I went out last night and won 400.00 not bad for a few
hours.I have cleaned the whole house.and throwing the clutter out,watching that I may need that..ooppss the light comes on a garage sale lets sell everything..It's a good thing I have people watching out for me or I'd be outta of a home too.I want to move to a bigger more spacious house.It only cost 500,000 but whats that to the mania
not to mention I am just short 460,000 ha..It's coming I can feel it.just another 20,000 and the house is mine.In the meantime I have slowed down with work.why not sure and the bills are piling up,not that I am behind but the last spending spree I am still paying for.the energy and calmness I feel during the hypomania stage is mixed up energy,no energy...calm yet irritable,thus I keep quite and to myself..
waiting for the break I need..just waiting which is unusual I know what I need to do.
yet I don't bother..My breakthrough is around the corner today Maybe? tomorrow possibly?but in the meantime I sit here typing away in the hopes that my true love will be useful to you and me that would be writing..It just isn't bringing the monetary gain just yet will it I guess so I work around the clock at this stuff networking,social media,blogging,support groups,website,it is coming together I am just not where I want to be yet? and maybe this is just what I am to be doing at this point of my life..the rewards are small but the gains are huge
thanks for reading

The Switch------It's in the brain

The switch that occurs in my brain..I can feel it occurring I am in tune with my body
as a rapid-cycling Bipolar.Today the switch is on,how do I know this first off the sensation in my brain.a light goes on,lightheaded,thoughts are rolling in and out
what is this switch and why does it occur? Bipolar this is why I have it,there is no denial here my friends..It is very real.The switch to mixed mood,where low and high
is experienced at the same time.also known as hypomania clinical terms..how do I feel
well right now I am changing gears,my body craves carbs and sweets,I want to be alone
yet I cannot seem to sleep..there are the thoughts that continue,I call it my creative force.that compels me to write this experience.when does it happen after my monthly usually.so today is the day.I feel it it is real no one has to explain it to me.nor do I have to run to the doctor as to whats going on.I know and am aware of it.
I do not take medications to see the phases through I experience them as they come.
there is no danger present like some freak at a show,the dullness and excitement as I remain unusually calm..I feel peaceful and calm,the knowledge of knowing and feeling the experience is somewhat beneficial right now..the slight nausea in my stomach,the light headed feeling,the wanting to sleep but can't,the need for speed,
as I precede ever so slowly,hypo mania is the state right now..the plan for today
go with it,breathe,meditate,write, you see as a rapid-cycler the moods don't last long each phase changes very quickly,at this moment,I can be in it not fight it
irritable somewhat but not raging an improvement slightly,keeping a mood journal
is helpful when I can track the moods,then I see the pattern and progress the duration of each mood and what the triggers are,what is the treatment rest..
I can get overstimulated with news,media,computer and TV,life in general..
adding activity today will change the mood..I know what worked for me today.despite the grips of this illness sometimes..moods matter to rapid-cyclers
writing this for insight for both of us

All that really matters

All that really matters is You and the family,friends and what is left behind..
A piece of yourself that people will remember you by,when death is at all of our doors we cannot pre determine when this time will come.but are we ready, are spirits in tact for the end time with God on judgement day are we going to burn in hell or live everlasting life.Many don't believe there is a God I do I have his his touch in my life and others so I am called upon..
In this life God says to be in the world not of the world..with so many Deaths happening I had to write this blog.some famous and some not so famous never really having an input of value to others lives I always thought the good die young..
and many are walking dead..they have no reason to live but to complain about there misery,how life has done them wrong..
All that really matters to me in this life is that my children have become what they should..for there own lives and there children's this impact is so very important it will affect the generations to come,what I want from this life on a personal level
to encourage others that life is worth living and one can start when it really doesn`t seem possible..when all hope is lost..I love to see Gods power and Love in the injustices of life..that all things are possible
Faith has guided me to the impossible and even when I m in my doubts Gods Mercy and Grace is upon me.
We all have the valleys of self doubt..but they are just that self-doubt..
when in doubt my Mother would say do nothing..I could never understand this concept now I do..When we get out of our own small minded ways of understanding then God can really do his work.. Miracles
The miracle called life

10 signs that tell you are living with someone who has Bipolar

10 signs that tell you are living with someone with Bipolar

1) Pouting can't have their own way
2) patience not even for 10 seconds
3) drive the non bipolar nuts
4) smokes,drinks,drugs
5) wants to talk to much
6) bills can get passed due
7) spends alot of money
8) screams and freaks out
9) papers, work piles up
10)sleeps all day,up all night

Testing Testing

Testing of everything in me comes around daily..Patience is not one of the qualities
I have been blessed with but I can tell you I am graciously getting the hang of it..
patience and faith seem to go hand in hand..blindly leading the way...I have no doubt
that while going through the things life throws my way..for example test of faith with my son what an ordeal..but we have made it through,now it is my Mother she has been very ill for over two months now..for the last three weeks she has been in hospital they found out she has a hole in her heart and glogged arteries..which may require open-heart surgery..well I can tell you I am besides myself..worst case senerios are running through my mind she has never been a fighter..is she strong enough will she fight..then the childhood issues are coming to mind my mother and I have never been close, I always had resentments for the fact she was unable or unwilling to care for her family..now as God will have I must care for her time to deal with the issues at hand before she dies..it has been very emotional I don't want her to suffer but in life you reap what you sow..is this a bad joke or what
just the thought I will have to give myself unselfishly yet again..to care for the weakest one of them all..My mother has never been available in any regard for her family..Funeral services will have to be arranged by me I am she, didn't prepare
for this time of life..an emergency someone will take care of her yet again..
How is it in life some have and some not this is what angers me to expect others to carry your load..especially your family how selfish..to me a parent has responsibilites to her family..My mother has never honored hers in my book..A chapter
of the book is coming to a close the end of her life, is the whole in her heart a way of saying she has no heart..I know the thoughts are running wild but I have to share this part with you..I have never been able to share it with Mom..
I am a fighter..every test in life I have passed..this is just another test to finally let it go..forgiveness..at the end of her life...

Avoidance

The past few weeks I have been in the mode of avoiding the realities of my life..Why?
I have come to the conclusion the with every phone call comes a problem..and I have chosen not to react to others problems or take on the emotional crap that comes with it..I am usually very compassionate and understanding however the last few weeks I am none of these things..I have a unique gift of discernment and I can see things coming from a mile away..but no one listens they call for support which at this time I am unable to give..especially when they don't want to listen or follow my suggestions..keep on keeping on and see what comes about and latley the results are aweful..it can be avoided the difficulties, the health problems, deaths, however all of these things are at the door or the end of the line and quite frankly it contributes to my depressed state..so what do I do I avoid..stop answering the phone..the door and participating in my life as at times I feel the pain that others go through..and often I take it on..however this time something is different I am allowing others to deal cope and learn from the own trials and tribulations it is the best teacher..I cannot save the world..this just is not within my reach..even though I wish I could reduce the suffering in which people bring apon themself for whatever reasons they choose..let go and let god..be still..and as difficult as this process has been for me.as my family issues are taking it's toll..It is not my problem..am I being selfish I ask myself maybe..but with my own wellness to consider
I must make that a high priority
I cannot medicate myself because you have a problem...reducing the outside stressors
has others thinking that I don't care..don't they get it Susan no longer is going to come running every time there is a problem.I am not going to let the drama of life to get me down..it is a dangerous place I have a choice today and I am not going there..Avoidance is a protective mode..I stand on guard