Six inch stiletto shoes

Today my day started out at 11:00am blurry-eyed.went on the balcony at my daughter apartment to have a smoke. her very pregnant girlfriend came by,we got to talking.oh no not that again and it starts she has bipolar there we are three of us talking about bipolar.my favorite topic..and drinkers in non-functioning relations..well something functions on these guys as both her and my daughter are pregnant.however there not drinking now cause there prego and certainly both living sober for today..with withdrawal symptoms.why can everyone else drink.they are both seeing this more clearly as bipolar alone can destroy ones perceptions add alcohol well instant time bomb waiting to happen.so there mates right now are in the dog house cause they are inconsiderate drunks with no life.match made in heaven right.except when one is sober there expecting a baby so there expectations have changes like as though the man has he is still the same guy just you are not intozicated.
What an opportunity for us to talk about alcoholism we share and I read from the big book of A.A my daughter really didn't want to hear that maybe just maybe there is a chance she is one.her friend however was open to the chance as her father was an alcoholic.my daughter never really thought I was an alcoholic,and that I am just getting old and don't want to have fun anymore
We left for a long walk sunny day with the dogs,did some grocery shopping remember I am a sabbatical fom domestic duties,but I am a wife and a mom they needed to see I love them..came home cooked a nice healthy dinner salad. chicken and sweet potaow,rice aaahh finally some quite while the family ate there dinner,very appreciative of my efforts to say the least.
While I was cooking we got to talking about life..yes of course my life and how it affected them. my daughter views are quite different to my sons and they are both entitled to there opinion and communicate them exceptionally well.remember they are my children my daughter is 26,and my son is 30 for years we have the debate over my life.as you know I raise my children on my own,by choice yes I even picked there fathers,so I know who they are, by the time I was nineteen sure I had relationships but they where far from perfect or long lasting however the children of my unions are still around and have survived.3 of them.






Some scars are deeper than others..and a few resentments towards me.
Six inch stilettos open toe are my preferance,I have utilized my skills experience and knowledge to benefit myself and my family and yes even the stiletto shoes can get a girl whatever she wants and in more ways than one.Shocking as it may be I was a call girl.hooker, prostitute,self-employed business women. I upgrade to massage therapist as the kids got olders more respectable job title for others getting back to what the kids and I where talking about,my daughter doesn't like the facts of the matter.I explained to her that her perception of what my job title entails is purely illusional. how is a women with six inch stillos shoe make her money well,first things first what someone calls me from the many advertisments I pay to do,men call..for all kinds of services,I am exclusivly massage fetishes and domination.I don't suck on anything.I am not a sucker
I am a fucker though bend over.
I am open to listening to my daughters rather harsh judements of me.and I can calmly discuss things both personal and professional,I never have been a supporter of free fuckin as most women are.some women are victimized by men.some play victim.
they spread there legs then blame the men if it doesn't work out call the men deadbeat fathers,live on social service. government housing.rather than take responsibilty for bad choices they made.I can tell you coming from where I am the only victim here is the ones that get screwd I just do the screwing.
in a mans world. I play by the rules of the game called life my life so screw off or bend over

Let's talk about relationships

Let's talk about relationships,first and foremost is the relationship with oneself.
When I was young,the relationship with my parents was turbulent,violent,abusive,and loving in a sick kind of way this bond was my first impression of what relationships are,as I moved forward to my teens,I wanted relationships with others friends and guys,I became very popular,when my friendships where formed I would have to move I learned at an early age that nothing is forever. everything is temporary
Family was forever as I had a strong bond with my grandparents.
as I embarked on my young teens.the more popular I became, the more friends I had.
The relationship I formed with myself was strong as many times when life was destructive in the home I was protective of myself and my 3 brothers.I didn't show emotions well.Fear of what will happen to us as a family was present scared of relationships.I kept emotional involvements far away.Then when I started to love boys
I made it so men served a purpose.you see my mother was a loose woman always hurt or abused by men.I vowed at 10yrs old that if she got 1 dollar for every guy she boinked she'd be rich.I instantly put two and two together money and sex.
relationship I formed I was the aggressor or abuser in a sense I became addicted to the high of falling hard for men,but justified it as they served there purpose.
My purpose at the time.
When I was 15 I was in a relationship with my children's father,his purpose was to have children no other reason.His presence in the children's life wasn't even concept for me.
As selfish as that seems now to me I really didn't no any better as the examples set before me was the norm.
Then I became involved in Love,it was what I knew,drinking drugs and sex.
home at last I was involved in a relationship someone just like my Dad,this relationship was about control,yet so out of control initially the attaction was good looks and great sex,partying and all that goes with it,
I was living in Vancouver to overcome my Cocaine addiction,enrolled in school,and working out at the gym,relationship was casusal which suited me fine.my one night stand lasted for over 10 yrs,through this time we engaged in our addictions and abuse of oneself and each other as the cycle goes the honetmoon stage was always spectacular romance,love,wild sex,then arguments and fights his drug addiction progressed to Cocain once we came back to Toronto,I had been there done that and knew I didnt want any part of this.Never ever.again we parted ways after I finally told him.the truth about my secret life,which included prostitution,
I will write about this in blogs to come stay tuned it is more than hinest and juicy accounts of life as a call girl.
His purpose was to work clean and help me raise the kids,he was good at all of these things the benifits of the great sex was a bonus plan.
I stayed single for 10 yrs after that,as I clearly had no concept of choosing the right gut nothing serious just casual non-attatched relationships worked for me.
untill I had a house fire the loss of all things material and the gift of life renewd
I yet again became involved with a drug dealer and drinker.he was perfect had five kids to.I was homeless after the fire began to evaluate my life,I began to care for this guy,feeling arose,he was yet another sexual relationship gone bad.The trust factor see I could fuck around but would not tolerate anyone doing this to me,double standard.
during that summer when I was concentrating on work,a client had asked me to go away for the week-end which I did I thought to myself how can I spend a whole week-end with someone you see my attention span was short when dealing with guys.
This man became my husband our relationship has lasted 8yrs something filled with love and purpose..till next time
Comments are appreciated

I am so relaxed my brain can't think?

The morning started off with hubby leaving for work the unusual routine a kiss to wake-me up. I am not the happiest morning person I tell him to get going snuggle back under the blankets and grumble while I think why does he wake me up some nerve.
This morning is the first day without him and the dogs kept whining at the door hoping for masters return.Awe isn't that cute,tried to get them to come and cuddle but they where not having it.they won I am up.at 7am so I play with them and take them for our walk down by the lake checking out the scenery it is so beautiful the sights the sounds.surrounded by the beauty of life, my new life..In port Credit
after the dogs and I had our fun we walked back to the hotel.decided I would take advantage of the buffet breakfast that was included with the suite.coffee to.
there where people sitting at tables. a few older couples, kids,two big women that loved the buffet for sure.as I was eating my brown toast,banana,they men where sneezing and coughing blowing there noises..yuk while I eat.woof down the food I was outta there just seemed really gross and the thought of the germs floating in mid-air was enough for me.went back to the room to go on-line to seem as though I have done some kind of work.the pool was awaiting me I went and there was only one other person who was leaving first I went in to the hot-tub I could feel the jets against my muscles the heat of the rapid water.reduced me to relax.15 minutes and time to swim.I did about 20 lengths of the pool..back to the room after I dried off.
back to twitter and face book.To rave about my life.does anyone care no.but I do it anyway.
it keeps me busy,I was suppose to do other things like make money.but that is on hold again.turns out I really can have my cake and eat it to afterall.
so I thought I work on my blog as iis so wonderfully quite the dogs are napping,the only thing buzzing in hear is the mini-fridge.
I am so relaxed my brain can't think this is unusual.
Relaxed what a concept?my only question is how long will it last?
On that note I am going to have an afternoon nap 1;30 pm.with all the workload today
I am relaxed watching everyone work so hard.
Strting to see the good life,is for me.
I can accept that today
Have yourself a great day I am!

Living in the lap of luxury..Just the way I like it

Living in the lap of Luxury ..just the way I like it.
Today is the first day of the experiment and if you have been following along you are aware of the plan.if not read up!
I finally moved out of the house whew it took me a month to finally get my body out of there.I moved all my personal belongings into storage a month ago.
even though I was not quite sure where I was going.I landed up at a furnished 1 bedroom suite with all of the amenities a girl could ask for.room-service,jacuzzi,pool.whirlpool,fitness and I got to bring the dogs with me.that is the bonus part.king size bed for us to snuggle up in.buffet breakfast is included
does it get any better than this?
I was a little nervous about the noise factor as I like it quite..it is very peaceful
feels nice to be surrounded in the beauty..It suites me fine.
The best part is I am happy as can be! even my attitude is good right now.
I am going to be somewhat busy tomorrow with the new job lined up.
I'd better get some sleep aaaaaaahhhhhhh
Till tomorrow Good-night friends xo

When in doubt..... Write

When in doubt write.I use to use pen and paper stick it in a box for no one else to see,now I blog visible for many to see. Just as your reading this.I wonder do you get anything I am trying to say? What is the point is really the question I am asking
Initially I thought I would write about my experience in hopes that others would do the same? as I am on information over load right now with all the information on Mental Health and Addictions.everyone has a story to tell.sharing the experience.
Really the whole point of my on-line work was a starting point for my own personal development through my illness.It worked.well into wellness now,I seem to be having some personal doubts if this is true?
I am still sitting in an empty apartment with nothing but my laptop,mattress and two dogs.living vicariously through the Internet.
I was suppose to move with all good intentions I am still here.It has been a place that while during my illness I felt safe,quite and peaceful.with nothing but my thoughts locked behind the bedroom door.I was very comfortable in this place of torment.I didn't have to really do much other than,pull out the laptop and do my thing.research,learn,and put my health mental,physical,spiritual as my main priority and focus.
as I close this chapter,It has been both comforting and rewarding.I must get on with the next as I sit here writing I am somewhat reluctant,only for the simple step of
making that move of putting my life in motion.
The rewards will be far greater than even I will ever imagine.
Just by stepping into my own life.
A different way of life
As I close the door tightly shut behind me once last time.

My first day on the Mental Health&Addiction Advisory board

It is 8;00 in the morning,after a good nights sleep.at least something is back on track my sleeping pattern. I am well rested after the excitement of a new Grandson,my daughter finished her legal assistant program at college all proud moments for me.
When my family is doing good everything is ok in my world.
Today is my first day on the Mental Health Advisory panel,at the hospital.The overview during the initial interview was the language used to refer to individuals or groups with Mental Health and Addictions even they are confused what to call us the so called Professionals are wondering what to call us? What? wondering do I feel comfortable, politically correct.all I kept thinking is call it what it is.
The women Anne seemed very informative and eager about the panel they have been at it since 2006,of a group of professional Doctors,Social workers,nurses,community interested people and consumers.I guess that's where I fit in having been a professional addicted nutcase.I take my role seriously.and plan on giving some good advice making changes for those that live with Mental health and Addictions my prime concern is education,and support living daily life.
As I contemplate my new role,which I am truly honored.There is an opportunity to be Co chair.I am thinking about what to wear, fix my hair,and bring with me the change I want to see.As I take those steps in enriching the lives of others by example.
Today I'll just be me that's the best advice I can give
Thanks for reading.
I'll let you know how it went.

Self-Esteem The facts of feeling good

Self esteem we all seem to think we got it right,by the homes we live in,the cars we drive,the job title,our influence.
Self esteem is deeper than the superficial outwardly appearances,It is really about what we think of ourselves,sure you can try to fill the void with unfulfilled relationships,low paying jobs,and never reaching your full potential due to poor self esteem.am I attractive enough,smart enough,slim enough all the self doubt the negative self talk can weaken ones self esteem as well as allowing others to critize you
My first encounter with this topic was a psychotherapist,I have always thought highly of myself or so I thought.
The definition of self - esteem encompasses beliefs,emotions and behaviors.In Psychology self-esteem reflects a persons overall evaluation or appraisal of one's own worth.synonyms self worth,self respect.self respect,self integrity.
One way of communicating through speech and body language can reflect one's self esteem.How do you feel about yourself,do you have self-esteem.
The language that refers to self esteem today is self acceptance,self approval,self expression self assertion.self approval.self love,self realization.
Take away all the things the masks,the materials,what lies beneath?
A search for self?starts with self esteem