In the darkest hours

It is 3;00 pm in the darkness of clouds and cold weather,with a cold.the stillness allows for me to write which is fine.I slept till about 11;00 when maid service asked if I needed anything,I said yes today as the suite needed to be cleaned,and fresh linens after all I am sick.The thought of the germs in the air is not pleasant,she came to the door with mask.Left me thinking about HI NI the swine flu,after vomiting through the night and early morning,I had checked to see if the symptoms are similar sure enough they are.It brought me into a frenzy and panic mode.
However I lived through the night,and woke again this morning to live another day.
I walked the dogs in the rain as the suite was being cleaned.Lucy doesn't like the rain or cold and left me standing there with the leash in hand.She was gone,calling out for her,I walked towards the suite she was inside already the suite is on the first floor of the hotel. I left the door open I get back to her looking up at me as to say,It is to cold for this doggie.Then I went to ordered soup from room service,
as I was doing this my other dog Luke like being on the desk at the computer as if he has typing skills and something to say.The dogs are napping now.Lucy curled up in the chair next to me a Luke is guarding the door.
as for me I am nursing the cold with fluids and rest.thinking I really need to get the clothes out of storage,like it or not the weather is changing,I need to keep warm.did I think that this summer would last through till October.
The concern for the day,with being sick,and living in the hotel how am I going to keep this up? as long as it last I guess.till tomorrow? yikes
send cash or e-mail if you want to help in my experiment
Thanks ain't to proud to ask

A distant day

When things seem to all go wrong,this morning I woke up with a cold,probably from sitting in the cold weather with not much clothes on,walking the dogs in the rain,last night thought in was all in my head..and it is a head cold,sneezing,sniffles,snoozing.
The distant day is when I move into my home,the one I am buying at this present moment it seems like a distant day,things just are not going according to my plan.
I had planned to work this week with hopes to get the ball rolling,I went to pay for the advertising,but they had moved there location so now I have to wait till Thursday.everything is on hold.while i nurse this cold.see timing is everything in Gods time not mine.So I had a talk with God the way I want things,in a quite whisper
I heard patience,not my forte.I want it now.
as I look around at the quite serene atmosphere of the hotel,the darkness of the clouds will bring more rain,the wind is blowing the trees around.even the dogs didn't want to stay out with me while I smoke.why am I sitting outside having a smoke
anyways?I could change to a smoking room but that's not good for the dogs.
The room is a mess as I slept in till 1:00 with a Do not disturb sign on the door.
so I did not receive maid service today.She did call me when I went next door to get my coffee,asked if I needed anything? I am OK for today was my reply.
Really am I OK,with not working and my lavish lifestyle,the funds are running low.
I need to make money that's what I really need.To make it through today,and to that distant day.

The weather affects moods in Bipolar

There are many things that can trigger moods in Bipolar,just like the weather one minutes the sun is shining on me I feel great,The rain makes me want to walk or get out..I love the rain,the cold and shorter days trigger in me depression,all I want to do is cuddle up in bed with the blankets and fluffy pillows.sleep is so wonderful when its cold outside.dreaming of all the wonderful places.I could be,in fact I live in Toronto Canada.It really is not suitable for Bipolar,summer is great but the winters are long and cold in fact I feel a cold coming on,sniffles,sneezing,snoozing.
with the move I did indeed pack everything,including clothes.how can you tell I am Bipolar well I packed everything insight,did I think I was going to a sunny nudist beach,where no clothes are needed,or did I think I could afford a new wardrobe,with money being tight with my extravagances,I do have some stuff that is in the trunk that needs to be laundered,summer stuff.hopefully it doesn't snow anytime time soon.
I'll be the naked Canadian,a cold one from down under.I'd rather go shopping than dig into my unorganized storage unit for my winter clothes whats left,I should say I gave a lot away to goodwill at least they'll be warm.
Just remember I'll be under the blankets naked as I can't stand sleeping in anything else.dreaming of better days
Have a nice sleep
Susan

A letter to my eldest Grandaughter.

I am writing this letter for you,sometimes we never have the right words to say,but by actions I do trust that you are loved within and by others.Never to be taken advantage of for your kindness or soft spoken nature.Since you came into my life as the eldest grandchild.Your presence has always made an impression on me,that your a part of me,yet an individual of your own with many particular tastes.as your Grandmother I observe your growth both in size and personality.looking for a future that is neither troubled but blessed.A faith that never doubts the abilities that lie within you.To trust your guide and inner feelings.that can only be guided by God.
each moments we spend together we learn a little more about each other.
The greatest gift to me is my Grandaughter.

Two top dogs I am in the middle

Two top dogs,mini dachshund's Lucy and Luke,they are like my body guards come near me they go crazy dog,mad dog,wildly barking at there target,You.
The morning started with the dogs doing just that barking at the sounds at the door,we are at a hotel,everything in sight is strange for them,I got stuck in a non smoking room on the first floor right by the main door,where the cleaning lady has been for most of the day,there where refugees in rooms across the hall.they are gone
5 or 6 to a room is that legal.
so as usual I go for a walk, long walk to the the nearest Tim Horton's tie the dogs to the tree and go get my coffee,with the mad dogs barking outside.It is a daily reminder how I get barking mad with others,loud sounds,intruders as I like to call them.
I tell the dogs stop it,they look at me,as to say why don't they cut the noise.I am just about to ask for another room,but I like the fact the sliding door is on the ground floor to the nicely manicured court yard.It is raining so we can't walk ant longer.I'll probably just open the door and snap.which will promote quite.
It is 3pm.I have made my phone calls,planning the evening,I am going to spend some time with my eldest Granddaughter.she seems to be missing me,I have seen her alot over the past few weeks she likes hanging with Grandma,we have fun tonight we are going to see a movie,dinner,then an evening swim.in the hotel pool.
I am going to take a break from the dogs,have a sitter for them.I really need to get Doggie daycare,someone other than Moi.
aaahhh I can finally hear the quite.
all that walking must have made the doggies tired they are having a nap.I'll slip outside and have a smoke in the rain.I really do love the rain,and my dogs
Thanks for reading.
Susan

I like creme in my coffee

Today I am still burning with desire,and frustration..I have been going against my experiment my spirit is surely feeling it,sometimes people can hold you back from your plans not intentionally just by the mere existence.see I was going to change things up instead I am back where I started and really now I know why my life is the way it is.did I need to be reminded really like I didn't already know better.Thanks to the hood and friends for that extra push I may have needed.the doubt in others I see as if at my age I don't have a clue..REALLY? Do I? Yes I know what I want and don't want but putting it together seems like a steep climb at the moment.I have done it before I'll do it again just smarter..
Don't push me till I'm close to the edge.so I am outta the hood with no return like I said many moons ago.
What a difference environment makes for my Mental Health..
Back to the lap of Luxury aaahhhhhh
even for one day
Thanks for reading stay tuned

Nothing ever changes in the hood

Nothing ever changes in the Hood..It's been three weeks that I have visiting the hoods of Toronto,Malvern,Mornelle,Danzig,Regent,Jane & Finch,Glamorgan to name a few.
I grew up in the hood,why have I returned? To see if the anything has changed.
Nothing has after 40 years,people have come and gone,but the basic survival has not.
The part that gets me is the fact of poverty,basic survival is what to eat,smoke and drink.Most of the people in the hoods really don't know anything different.This is the quality of life in the hoods.The music that portrays the hoods in the mainstream
over value the name brand clothes,fancy cars,Ho's are the money makers,everyone hangs with Ho's as to the supply the needs,then there is the Hustler they hustle the drugs,goods,whatever it takes to get the money.Skanks I personally have never liked the skanks they are the free-fuckers that want to be taken care of collecting the cheques with the cheap rent,very petty.most have little or no education.
The Players come in male or female form,usually the hustlers and Ho's you can spot them a mile away,designers outfits,fancy cars and lots of cash.
Players play the game called life with whats is available to them,some work within the mainstream as playing the life as a player means game on!
Win or lose die trying,skills most players have skills utilizing them in all situations.The hood rats are the want a be hood rats the ones that think there jamaican,never been there though the white girls that talk the talk but can't walk the walk.or the youth that think there all that but don't have a pot to piss in.
The swaggard,the style of the hood is about personality the people of the hood are good people just trying to live another day in the hood,basic survival