As Depression sets in..

I have had bipolar for 15 yrs..I have learned signs and symptoms.
There are factors that contribute to a bout of depression.









1) The weather.when it is cold outside,and the sun is not shining..I personally just want to go back to bed and snuggle under the blankets and sleep..aahh that's better.
2) Mood is quite,with aggitation the slightest noise irriates me!
3) Isolating,I really just want to be left alone.
4) Appearance get neglected.
5) Sick..physical symptoms nausea,vomiting,urination,headaches,weakness
6) darkness the world feels dark in depression.just like my mood
7) serious,no laughter,emotions pop out of know where,sad overall,really about nothing,gloom and doom.
8)decrease in appetite or increase in sweet cravings
9) Everything seem like an effort of energy,which I don't have.
10) Repeats daily for weeks and months

The aftermath in Bipolar

Today started rather late after my night of gambling,around 2pm the front desk was calling to see if the suite needed anything.I hung up the phone thinking why do they bother when I have the DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door.
I had some banking to do,its a good thing I was awake.the sun is shining today and the milder weather is welcomed,The dogs loved the walk feeling frisky Lucy is getting in the habit of walking on her own,she is such a diva.
had calls from my children they are missing mom.I miss them to,but sometimes the heart grows fonder with a little time apart,it is Thanksgiving this Monday so we all get together for that.
When I was driving to the bank,the roadway was slowed down with various tow trucks,
and big wheel vehicles the tanker truck was loaded on two tow truck in a millions small pieces,it made me think I have the nerve to complain even when I think I am in a mess it is not near as bad as this guys day or the aftermath of the accident.did he survive?
I spent far to much last night at the casino,I needed to get out,this morning I was thinking I could have managed the money better.made it last longer that the couple of hours that it was in my hands,after all I am living on faith and God did supply
why do I have to get in the way to mess it up.
The aftermath is the consequence of not thinking,behavioral acting out in bipolar is
damaging,but not as damaging as the truck that is in a million pieces
I survived.
Comments are welcomed

Is Today Sunday

Sunday is my favorite day of the week.I was eager to get the day started with a breakfast brunch.around 7am I feel asleep till noon,with a feeling of distortion and fog in my brain.I decided I needed to do the laundry.can't seem to retire this duty
either I get disposable clothes,or drop of my laundry to get washed.somehow the first option appeals to me.I really don't like the thought of someone sniffin my panties,that past the afternoon.Then it was time for bingo yes.Women where outside complaining about there wifely and motherly duties,housework,cooking dishes and laundry,and the fact the kids are spoiled and nothing or no one helps.
I finally said yes I am free.what a wonderful thought.
I did win again,so I am on target with the financials to.
G55.one thousand dollars not bad for an evening out.
I am feeling, better from the cold I had.
Monday is one day I get to sleep unless of course there is something to wake up to.
Have a great day..xo

Agnes exactly why are you pissing your pants?

Agnes is this lady I met at the hotel,she considers herself middle aged she is 46yrs old,the same age as me.In her appearance you can see the weariness has taken hold of her face,also doesn't keep herself well,in her clothing she wears track pants that seem over-sized for her plump body frame.
Agnes hair is wavy shoulder length that seems not to have had a comb through it in weeks,coloured blond to cover the greys that peak from her crown.
I went to her room today to take her a coffee and have a chat her room was a bit unmade,books and papers cluttered the table.She was sipping her tea,as it dripped down her mouth onto the side of her face.Agnes went to the bathroom,as she started to cough.it was quite noticeable that in each cough Agnes had pissed her pants.
The coughing continued.I had said she should cut down on smoking.smoking is worse than crack.I can't afford to smoke,it is like a bad habit gone bad,I thought the wrinkles around my mouth was from sucking to much C&*ck,it may be from smoking I responded.We laughed
She cleaned up the mess and changed her pants,everything smells like piss in her laundry bag,I sprayed some perfume as the smell was making me gag.
I left her room thinking what could possibly make her piss her pants,is part of the aging process,is it time for her to wear diapers,I mean she is the same age as myself.Her moods made my bipolar symptoms seem mild..apparently she is normal
Is this normal I asked myself.don't judge the way one walks as you have not walked in there shoes.or wore there pants.
thanks for reading
till next time comment are appreciated

It is not my plan..But it is my life

It is not my plan... but it is my life.
I am a spirit lead person which means.I personally don't make plans.Goals yes but not plans I am very spontaneous..when the wind blows.I blow..
This can be very upsetting for others.for example My daughters graduation from her college program as a legal assistant on Nov 5th.yesterday was the last day to buy the tickets.I called the the client service rep as I really wanted to postpone it till Monday surely he'll understand,it's raining,Friday night traffic,I have a cold.
Byron the director said indeed this is the last day for tickets it was 4:30pm he leaves at 5:00.Daughter calls quite upset with me as I have known all year.Isn't that why she went to school to graduate.
I made my hubby come home early from work to drive downtown in that chaotic traffic,yelling at him,why does he always take the longest route,can't he go faster
meanwhile traffic,drivers are blocking the intersection clearly we couldn't move
I am yelling at the other drivers calling them idiots for blocking the intersection really who does this..camel drivers.It's Toronto welcome
4:55 call Byron the guy that has the tickets to tell him I am stuck in traffic.
He said he'll wait.I had rushed out of the hotel.with a smocked summer dress,sneakers,a grey flannel jacket..It is October.Got the tickets as he explained how much of a big deal and effort he put into organizing the graduation.
This is a big occasion for my daughter I am very proud of her~
back to the car where he had been waiting for me on Shuter st.The dogs had to pee so I let them walk for bit.
with 1 hour drive back to the hotel on Friday night.
didn't stop there no I had to go to bingo even though I look ridiculous in a dress
in the rain and cold.did that stop me no way.
I said the money has to come from somewhere..I won
wheew being spontaneous is easy for me as things always work..but for others waiting on me and they do like to plan there days and lives..
I realize this..but it works for me.
much love Susan

About power and control in bipolar

Power and control in this bipolar,there are many factors while I insist on being in control,yet so out of control at the same time,when I can control my circumstances and environment having things in line, are somewhat less chaotic for me.as I ponder the control issues of myself and others,I see that money has been the root,of power and control,when I have the money everything and everyone is within my control.people places and things I am free to engage in my behaviors.
The issue of control as long as things go according to my plan it is smooth sailing for everyone,but how realistic is this when others are involved.
The very thing I love has been taken away for the time being as I have no money today.
humbled by the mere fact,of having to ask the Hotel Manager a cute as pie south african, if I could pay for my suite tomorrow I was up all night how to get out of asking I really hate asking or being humbled in this way.I always pay whats due.This not being able to is in part of financial fumbling and living way beyond what is coming in.engaging in a spending spree that at the moment I can't possible keep up with or can I we will soon see.
But for today I am here at the hotel,humbled,asking for help is harder than giving the help thats for sure.recieving help is making me question my abilities,and my resources at this present time.
Power over my own life comes from one place in my heart God,The realization that money
is about the control.
I'm able to see the difference today
There is only one thing I can control and with Bipolar this gets tougher and tougher
is my actions.It really does take a daily effort to keep the Bipolar dragon at bay.
Accepting the facts of my reality is the hardest truth.
like it or not I am out of control.God is in control take over I can't be bothered any more
Thanks for listening comments are appreciated

Thankful Thursday

Somedays it easier than others to count our blessings,usually it is Thankful Thursday. Today is the day,I will count my blessings
1) I have warm clothes that I finally got from my storage unit while I was there I grabbed my bible,I am warmer and stronger for that.
2)I am thankful for God that works through me and in me as I am here today as a result of his mercy and grace.
3) I am in a beautiful hotel suite for another day hopefully,as I really really like it.
4) I am getting over the worst of the flu bug I am thankful for that.
5) I am thankful for the rest I am about to receive.
Gratitude will change your attitude..
What are you Thankful for this Thursday?