A Compassionate look into addiction.First person

I was shuffling in bed with this title in my head.I woke up sat at the computer, had to go for breakfast thinking about the topic of compassion,addiction a walk down memory lane. A glimpse into childhood,as I never dwell there to long,but here it goes.
I would see my father drunk,a drink accompanied all occasion,happy, sad or just plain boredom.with the drunken stupor came violence,mostly bar brawls,and domestic.In those days father could take us in the bars,or let us play at the park.Mother was unable to protect herself much less us from fathers outbursts of anger.I always blamed her for not getting father the help he needed,he was a very sick man.and she was weak.The environmental component to addiction, Children learn what they see.deviant behaviors are used to obtain drug of choice.Mother and Father both relied on the social welfare system,father would engage in frauds to provide for his habit,Mother would rely on other men to supply her needs.
Mother was an emotional junkie,anything for attention.
I grew into a teenager with views of how I wanted to live my life,very strong ones at that refused to be anything like my parents,there is the genetic component of addictions called DNA,
I had my first drink of alcohol,by the time I was 11 years old,probably before that as Mom told us Dad would put whisky in our baby bottles to get us to sleep.
When we where cranky.
I did everything not to be an alcoholic except drink,I knew what the signs were.
the writing is on the wall for most drunks.
drinking for me was a way to clear my mind,relax,have some fun,great fun most times until I tried to stop drinking.Could it be the very thing I denied in life was in fact a way of life.To avoid the withdrawal symptoms one must drink.I also was deeply involved in drugs,don't they just go together,the mix would take me to another place,sometimes driving down young St on the wrong side of the road,bars where like home to me.Hotels are a safer place.shh no one knows.
Compulsion to engage in an activity despite harmful consequences,deemed by myself,health, mental state,or social life
This topic has been lurking in my mind,as an addict that has been foolish as I did enjoying drug induced euphoria than more popular acceptable lifestyles.
Addiction is a choice..Some don't get the chance.
I was downing the pain meds for my impacted wisdom tooth.I thought how easy this addiction thing happens,it starts with a drink, pill,smoke,sex,food gambling
Internet,porn the list goes on and on..I have a symptom in which I want to go way
or a feeling.it remains until I get the next fix of the drug of choice.
The emotional fixation acquired through learning,aiming to avoid specific discomfort.
Through the years I have learned that the addiction process starts Innocent,but can steal many years of life and living having to learn how to live as I was dead for so long..thanks for reading

A perfect stranger

It has been my experience that a perfect stranger can offer assistance and kindness that no other can,not a family member, friend or colleague
A stranger in the the dark,is like an angel in the park.
Today started rather later,I woke up at 7am,but with all the meds I am taking for the tooth,which I did see the dentist yesterday,he said it is an impacted wisdom tooth,that is rubbing against the nerve and is infected,he said we could take it out but he would have to peel me off the ceiling as the pain is enormous.what is this the pain is unbearable.He said go see an oral surgeon and he can put you to sleep by this time it was 6pm,I went home
after a good-nights sleep my head is hurting many people calling today they seem concerned.I will receive this.It is 3;30pm spent the afternoon on the phone,sharing,laughing,
I have to go out at 5;00 work on the money issue,hopefully something works in my favor today
all is well that ends well.the money came through
eating a steak dinner,with zuccini&mushrooms yummo
thanks for coming back,
The pain in the tooth is finally gone,food was delicious.

It's a beautiful day in Toronto

It's a beautiful day in Toronto the sun is shining,the mild weather is seems like spring.Started the day early,however I didn't even open the curtains,I have been napping late afternoons,so I planned my walk for this time slot,2pm did not work today it is rather dead just my luck,I really need to make cash today so I am doing my money chant.hopefully someone will hear it..The dogs are even quite today.
our walk was peaceful,they romped in the leaves.I really need to get batteries for my camera.they are playing tug of war with there leashes.right now Luke is the dominating force.Lucy is just letting him have his way.He stops to glaze out the patio window.quietly .I am dressed and ready to finally address the tooth issue,I'll be so happy to see my dentist,I think he will just give me a antibiotic and ask me to come back when the infection is gone,I'll see.
My guess is that in the over thinking I do about every little detail,does not allow for the action to occur,this week I will attempt to act before I think.I know for most it is the other way around,but what works for me may not work for you.
It looks like I may have to move from this fancy hotel do my overspending and lack of income thus farthis week but remember it is faith journey,I took a look in the mirror I really like what I see today.I am answering the phone and will make it through another day.
the calm,quite,is so wonderful..I am off to the hustle and bustle of Toronto.
Have a great day!

Blowing the cash flow

Blowing the cash flow,yesterday a beautiful sunny day,mild here in Toronto it felt like spring,I was awake at 6am on a Sunday,went for breakfast.Then decided to blow some cash,gambling.I didn't get a jackpot.Worry starts to play with my mind,I need to maintain the lifestyle I so love!When the thought of worry set in I replace it with faith and believe that just for today everything is alright.but is it really?
The point when I decide to blow money that I really have no business spending.I should do something that is less expensive like painting a piece of art.with the autumn colors in bloom, I have the inspiration to paint,but yet to put it into action.
This morning I have to concentrate on working replacing the money,for this week.
I also have considered spending less time on social media,as it does take up alot of time.that means filling the time with work.
This afternoon I am off to the dentist to finally address the toothache.
I also really need a new look,hairdo and some clothes,I do tend to put things off.
Not this week,however I have some social gatherings next week,I really have to look my best.that is the goal of the week.doing my best and looking my best. Do you put things off?what goals do you have today?
Leave a comment thanks Susan

Life is like a pot of stew

Life is like a pot of stew..add ingredient...let it simmer..add some spice...mix it up..share and enjoy..Don't forget the bread and butter.

OK so I broke down,and cooked a meal after a long sabbatical.I use food to shut people up..I am a great cook, when I cook everyone eats and shuts right up no wonder!

I just ate two bowls of stew,simply delicious,as I meditated on the food.and my new found appreciation for my skills..beef,onions,lentils,vegetables,squash variety of spice..buttered roll.
let it simmer,mix it up, share and enjoy.

I had to save some for my daughter who is coming to spend the evening with Mom.
she is really looking forward to my cooking,it's been awhile and she is six months pregnant with her first child,she has an appetite.
My daughter has inherited mothers moodiness.with her pregnancy,her hormones are all over the place,making her rather emotional,to be expected.

Back to the pot,if you don't like the heat get out of the kitchen.
the pot of stew is to share similar to our lives,our children learn so much from us.
making it tasty,so it goes down smoother.has not always been one of my own skills.
but after the pot of stew..they shut up and listen up!
thanks for reading.With love

Bipolar living update

Bipolar living update.A week with the wellness program,I truly believe when I do what is required of me it works.It has proven over and over again when I make the effort I see the results.the differences are sleep/wake cycle,moods,appetite.
This morning is day seven of waking up at 6am,I mean for this girl it is really unusual,a miracle of sorts as I am,usually going to bed at this time. I go to breakfast,I never eat breakfast I mean other than 3 cups of coffee just to get going.
but I have an egg,piece of toast and some bran cereal.a cup of decaf.piece of fruit
I come back to the suite,then go on-line for abit,twitter is very inspiring.originally when I started to tweet I thought are these people for real,with all the positive thinking,In my world although I can be positive I think negative a disease of the brain called Bipolar, the positive tweets really do inspire me.
The dogs and I went for a walk around 8am this morning the weather is mild a welcome break from the rain and cold.I was leisurely walking at slower than usual pace.taking in the quietness,the calm,and the colours of the trees.I said good-morning to people as I passed.I stopped at one tree it seemed to be in bloom the leaves where yellow I was in awe.I stopped at the store to get some scratch tickets,want to the picnic bench,can't they ever put three of a kind on these tickets?
My daughter is also on my mind,I am going to call her and see if she wants to come and spend the night with me.I am missing the family.I know they are missing me as well.The laundry that I started to prepare to take to the drop off,where they wash and fold the laundry.even that takes effort.I should opt for disposable clothes.instead.
it is almost 10 am the housekeeping should be by soon.I love this.then I'll cook,a beef stew.with vegetables least today I am showing some love.the kinder side of me.
I am listening to the radio, all I want to do is have some fun I got a feeling I am not the only one is getting me dancing that's fun.Another favorite song Tonight the night lets live it up I gotr my money let's kick it move it move it..do again do it do it here we go easy come easy go.I got a feeling tonight's gonna be a good night!
the power of positive thinking can you feel it?
What do you consider fun?
Thanks for dropping by while your at leave a comment!

Married for dental benefits..I should have married the dentist

There is alot of talk about relationships,marriage,love.I was 36 when I met the man of my dreams.I was self-employed with no benefits.I had a wisdom tooth that sent me into excruciating pain after hours of course.I went to the hospital
where they presumed I was there for the drugs.with my face swollen,the Demerol did not suffice.They gave me a number to call,which I did immediately as the pain was intolerable,the guy at the desk said I should call in the morning it was 4am.lucky for me the dentist said he would meet me at his office,but I would have to pay cash,as he does not take welfare clients.I was not on welfare good thing,he said it would be $750.00 on the spot.I said I have the cash. work was busy that day.
The wisdom tooth was impacted,and was removed.I just wanted it out. I took a cab home,against the rules someone was suppose to pick me up according to the dentist,like who? I thought the cab driver.
Just before..I even contemplated marriage,with my hubby..benefits where of most importance to me,as I didn't want to go through that ordeal ever again.
But here I sit,I missed my appointment yesterday with my wonderful dentist that I have seen regularly since I got married as preventative maintenance was important.
This week I had a small nagging toothache,which if I had gone to see the dentist yesterday, It would be problem solved.no not for this girl that continues to suffer in crucial pain I mean it equivalent to pangs of child labour.Six Tylenol, 2 codeine pills,clove oil and Ora gel,ice pack clued to my face.I am thinking why didn't I just marry the dentist.
Just had to post this,more on love and relationships the shocking truth