Bipolar days of nothing.

Bipolar days are high lows..somewhere in between,never really knowing one moment to the next what mood we will be in,Days of nothing but gloom and doom can be the darkest of moments.Self-doubts,intrusive thoughts,everything around us seems impossible even ourselves.We isolate,cause really who would want to see us like this,or even want to be around us? Curtains drawn,lifeless feelings and loss of energy.It can hit for no apparent reason.It is just one of those days,but when one of those days turns into weeks and months..Manic Depression is the illness.Bipolar to me,are the cycles.
Winston Churchill called it the Black Dog,Many of us don't even like the description of depression.I am included I rarely mention the D word,I call them low moods.
To many of us,Depression is a sign of lost hope,it is more than a feeling,It really is a big part of who we are,what we have become.Everyday,every moment is a struggle.
Simple daily tasks,like waking up,getting out of bed,getting dressed,answering the phone,talking to a single soul in the area in which we are.
Connecting with others, keeping a schedule,preforming our work, are during these times impossible tasks..Never mind things like housework,cooking,bill payments.
The darkness of day,reaches our soul..The loneliness even in a crowd of happy faces.
In this place,we are comfortable.There is no challenge in living day to day depressed.However doing something to get of that dark place is..
Here are a few tips that work for me.

1) GET UP!
2) Get moving
3) Make my bed
4) Eat something of nutritional value vegetables or low sugar fruit
5) Writing,keeping a mood journal,creative writing,goals of 5 things check them off when completed,not all in one day.
6) Go for a walk,start with 15 minutes..each day add 10 minutes.till you are walking an hour each day..the sunshine is wonderful for depressed people,and say hello to others as you pass them by,start a conversation..
7)Prayer and meditation ask for help
I have been a spiritual person,since a young girl,I pray daily and read my bible.
Mindful meditation is a quite place with no thoughts..check out how to do it on-line.
8)Each day I have fun,at times I really have to force my self.I smile and practice
cause a depressed person,doesn't smile much..laughter is natures best medicine.
I try to be with happy people,it does rub off.adding 1 hour of social a few times a week..start and get involved
9)Talk on the phone..there are a few people I can talk to,friends that will call me as I am not calling anyone when I am depressed..I make sure to answer the phone..
I talk about them,an event..just not about me..Getting out of myself is good to.
10)Have a bath..it relaxes me..with bubbles
11) Read a book a few chapters at a time..I focus on what I am reading rather than drifting away in my thoughts.
12)Sleep..I know many of us sleep to much and feel guilty about it..sleep is a benefit to depression.
13)Be good to myself..ie) do my hair,get my nails done,a new piece of clothing,
a little pampering goes a long way
14)feel the feelings..go through
15)when all my efforts no longer improve my mood state..and mood last longer than 2 weeks..I have a visit to the Dr's..He always has great suggestions
Managing the illness..takes work daily.
Sometimes doing nothing is OK to.
Thanks for reading leave a comment or suggestion

Bipolar dwelling..getting on with life..It is for the living

It is Monday,after a great week-end after putting health and work aside.I had fun!
Friday it started with a girlfriend,coming by purely a coincidence as she didn't know where I was at.I was going to get smoke and there she was in her vehicle.I laughed and she took me to the store.I have been in seclusion for awhile now.
I went out for an evening of gambling and social fun.
Saturday morning the phone rings it is a girlfriend could barely say hello the door knocks it's my buddy Coco.she comes in I ask my other girlfriend if I can call her later.Coco says get ready we are going for breakfast.I was preparing myself a dish of vegetables,quickly left it behind,combed my hair off we went.we ate,laughed just as we always do.
after we took the dogs for a run.
Sunday morning we waited for my grandson,both daughters arrived with my grand kids in the back it was a quick visit,but nice to see them,even better that they where going to church.My youngest daughter is expecting her first child,she is due February 10th.
very exciting time for the family.
We left to go to the Air Canada center to see the Raptors game vs the mavericks.
it was exciting,fun,not to mention Chris bosh rocks it for the Raptors,I took lots of pictures.we all had fun,it was nice to see my grandson smiling,me to for that matter.
I went to look at a house,that was advertised by a business executive.what a dump by my standards it amazes me how people choose to live.I love my life.
I live for the moments that make up each day.I had quite a few special moments that had nothing to with bipolar moments life is for the living.
Please leave a comment

The Doctors Voice

The Doctors voice in Mental health & Addictions treatment is an essential first step.
A general practitioner can refer to a phychiatrist.I know this can be intimidating at first,to ask for help.there could be awaiting list for assessment when your not in crisis.Be persistent
Another important piece of the puzzle is to be consistent and remain with the same doctor over the years of treatment and management of the illness.The doctor is a professional voice in treatment,he monitors your progress and setbacks,The illness left untreated is a progressive illness that gets worse over time.
Treatment,begins with medications.In or out patient basis when in crisis.weekly visits.The details in which you discuss with the doctor are vital. Family history.To keep track of moods a mood chart is beneficial as we often can't remember one day to the next,while medicated.
If street drugs or alcohol,caffeine are being used and in what quantities,our diets,our sleep patterns sleep/awake cycle.
Not to mention are over all health,thyroid,hormones,sugar levels,any other underlying health issues should be disclosed with the Doctor.
A Doctors view is not to place judgement,but to plan a treatment that is best suitable for your individual needs.
To commonly,in the 15 minutes of your appointment you can feel rushed and forget to mention what was on your mind.plan ahead for your visit write down a few key questions and keep it with your mood journal.
I know for me getting out of bed was the hardest part,often I would miss scheduled visits.They understood and would book another appointment,it took awhile until I could meet these appointments willingly.
I often didn't like what the Doctor had to say.An illness,lifestyle changes.It was overwhelming,not to mention I felt very much alone.
It not like at that time I was willing to tell the world I had the makings of a madwomen.
I really liked my doctor,not to mention he was very handsome and smart.I have had the same doctor for 6yrs.
He would tell me the goal is to shorten the length of episodes,and the duration.
To change my sleep/wake pattern
To exercise.
add sunlight to my day
my diet consisted mostly of sugary sweets,chocolate and carbs,coffee
He wanted me to eat vegetables and fruit,drink water.
I can tell you I was furious with this adorable doctor,thinking he had officially
turned into a quack,his requests where unreasonable and impossible.
I can tell you..he was right.
Even if we think we are cured,at times we will think so.moods are improved,we are doing the job called life.every once in awhile during the maintenance of treatment we need the Doctors voice.
Thanks for reading.

The Bitter Cold of Bipolar

January 9 2010

The morning started at 3am,full of promise for the day.I did my on-line work.A thought came.I must get out and about today even if it hurt.I have been couped up due to a bad knee.I showered and dressed,yes today is the day.I was motivated and raring with unusual energy.My husband looks up from his pillow beneath his head.says what are you doing.I resounded quite loudly we are going out,he looks at the clock on the side table,it's only 4:00am.never mind get ready and lets go.
Where to he asks,I don't know we will figure that out while driving.I asked him to stop for coffee.I go into Tim Horton's,with a big smile and make my order.
aahh I love a morning coffee,even if It makes me manic.We sit in the cold car barely heated,the music is playing.I was just happy to get out,Where to,he asks
lets just drive.he says I have to go to work at 6am,I said I was fully aware but there are a few things we need to do? like what?Go to the bank,breakfast,then take the dogs to day care.not much is open at this time of day Susan.
We drove,I was looking at the Christmas lights,people waiting at bus stops,thinking I love my life.at least I don't have to go work for a meager wage,waiting for the bus at 4 in the morning,in the darkness of a cold bitter night.

We killed some time till 7am,the daycare was open,hubby dropped them off before his day of work.all I could think was I am free.Time to myself.time stood still,while the inspirations for the day,the possibilities came to mind.

I heard a knock at the door,it was housekeeping.I love my life I boast.I grabbed my coat,told her I am leaving for the day.she smiles

I enter the restaurant,looking around the dining area was filled with men having breakfast either with co-workers or alone.The waitress poured my coffee,took my order of 2 eggs over easy,bacon and brown toast, set the morning Toronto Sun on the table.I read the news,and my horoscope.

I stood at the doorway of the hotel,thinking to myself now what? what direction should I go as I headed towards Dixie,the sun was shining,but the bitter gusts of cold wind.blowing make me think,just get a cab.not one in sight so with one foot in front of the other I kept going.I walked for a half hour,decided to stop at the bus stop thinking of homeless people,the others that have to wait for the next bus.Really what was I doing I had a choice I went into the Tim Horton's,finally some warmth got a coffee.asked the service guy to order me a cab.

While I was waiting for the cab,A young tall blond haired Guy in his 20's start to tell me how his life is all messed up,he just got out of jail.I gave him the change from my pocket and said to him he is young enough to turn it around.imagine being old and fucked up.He said have a good day,Suzanne.he must have over heard the guy when he was calling the cab.I had given him my name.

Once in the cab I was cheerful,and talked abit to the cabby,said I was just going to Dundas.once there I had some to kill.so I looked through the store called value village,I am starting to like just looking at other peoples junk.and well the prices are unbeatable.

Once I finished my smoke,I went to change my nail polish to a burnt red to match the turtle neck I was wearing.I looked at the reflection of myself in the mirror.
warm and bundled,however not the most fashionable.

By the end of the day,I just wanted to get back to the hotel suite,have an infused jacuzzi bath,with coconut and wild berries,it was scrumptious as the jets energized my muscles,the hot water slowly defrosted my body and mind.

Back to my Life that I love!

Thanks for reading Post a comment!

I made my bed,doesn't mean I have to lay in it.

January 6 2010

I made my bed,this morning.I love the feeling of getting into bed.Crispness of the sheets,the warmth of the blankets piled high,the softness of fur brushing against my chin.maximized by the dogs cuddled in close.
however comforting this feels,I don't have to lie in it.

I was motivated today,I made the bed elusively pondering the mission for today.
I was making list of all the things I love,photography.I exchanged the batteries from the converter to my digital camera.prepared the dogs, ready with wagging tails of excitement and much cor horsing from Luke,he sat at the side of the desk with a look in his eyes,his front paws on the desk,as to say close down face book,lets go out and play in the snow.My other dog Lucy sat comfortably on the chair.on a pile of newspapers.dressed in a turtleneck and coat.she seemed quite content in her comfort.

I took some pictures of the snow topped trees,the ground whiten with sheets of white snow.I had to get a glimpse of the look I had today,a black hat,the faux fur coat,a made up face.every hair in place.captured the moment.

We approach the front door,Luke is eager to play and romp,Lucy loosens her leash away from my grasp.
her little body bolts for the front door I called her back to play,she was gone peeks her head around the corner of the brick wall.Luke and I make our way back.Lucy is scratching at the door.As to say enough of this.

I was waiting for the phone to ring, I made some calls earlier,It seems all are still in holiday mode.It certainly doesn't seem to be business as usual.

Love is not irritable,with things that can come each day in any relationship,the challenge is to meet the needs and love the unlovable.

I had worked on some solutions with a loved one for our reactions that can be irrational.To rather react in more loving ways.

I made my bed,today I did't have to lie in it.I did something about it.
the outcome was better than I anticipated.back to bed.I did my part now I can lay in it.lifes simplicities that I love
What do you love?
Thanks for reading.

Love and Happiness is Bipolar

Love and Happiness is bipolar.Have you ever looked at your loved ones,and thought to yourself they are nuts? they talk way to much? finding fault with everything in you and vise versa.
They call us Bipolar exactly what are they?
Our loved ones, We in turn react to them not out of love,but rash and irritable,unable to communicate our feelings,it is their tough luck we murmur under our breath.Every action ,has a reaction.Is your reaction to them loving? or irritable.I know mine is irritable.wake me of from a sound sleep,I'll rip your head off.say something I don't like well I am furious for days.
Love is not irritable.
I am also challenged this Month by the Love Dare by Huntley street.The first day was thought fullness.We had to do something thoughtful for our partner,and in turn they did something thoughtful,discussing each later in the evening.It was nice to receive something without demanding it.

Happiness,This a topic I have been working on,since I discovered the happiness Project.Certainly this is an achievable goal.some days are better than most.
When am I happy,when things go my way..usually.when I feel like a winner.
Happiness is laughter,joy,accomplishing,doing what matters to me.but life doesn't seem to work that way now does it?
Happiness is interrupted by people,situations and circumstances mostly by my reactions to them.Happiness is a choice,but in Mental illness or Addictions really is their much to be happy about?
Is it merely an excusable existence of misery.
I made a list of what makes me happy.at first I couldn't think of much,but I did muster up sunshine and walking,with -26 degrees and lots of snow,we'll there goes happiness.Right? wrong
Here is a practical example of the first day of the Happiness Project.
It had occured to me when I do what I love,I am happy
I was awake most of the night,thought I should crawl into bed at 8am,let me check my messages.I did however my phone had been disconnected,I was furious at Fido!
I was suppose to pay the bill on the 2nd which I failed to do.
The customer service rep asked me the usual identification questions,put me on hold,said thank-you for your patience,Really,I yelled I need to talk to a supervisor
within 2 minutes and don't put me on hold again.To my surprise a supervisor came,said she would not charge me the $25 re-connection fee and would put my phone on immediately.Results occur when I am a raving Bipolar Mad women.I said thank-you and hung up.But remember this is my first day of the happiness project,not a good start.

I did laugh about later,after talking to my girlfriend she said.I wish I could be like you and get results when dealing with bill companies.

I heard a women was running a detox place for sobered alcoholics,but had to turn them away due to lack of money.
I pledge 20.00 to this women and made 150.00 an hour later.

Dogs went to daycare,which make them happy as well as myself.
Money also makes me happy but with the holiday season,it a little scarce at the moment.Through the rest of the day I had similar thoughts of why do people irritate me so much and steal my joy.
is it my reaction.that steals my happiness could be..more work to do!
Doing things I love,what a concept it is that easy isn't it?
thanks for reading post a comment or suggestions
Could you dare to be in love and happy

Women's Mental Health

Women are at greater risk for interpersonal victimization,including childhood abuse.
Substance abuse often occurs as a result of abuse.
Women's mental Health cannot be achieved without equal access to basic rights,education,safety,income security,housing.
non drug alternatives that address emotional distress in women,nutrition,exercise,employment,phychotherapy,education.
Indicators of health..not just illness.
Women have different mental health requirements than men.
Women are caregivers for children and family.Stress in most areas of ones life can trigger Mental Health decline or a family history of mental health issues
Bipolar and depression are often self-medicated through drugs and alcohol or acting out behaviors.sex,shopping gambling,internet.
Support are often unavailable to those with Mental health issues or treatment is often not discussed either from fear ,stigma of what others will think.or how mental health will affect the family unit.
The most frequent help course of a action when a women goes into her doctor in crisis describes her inability to cope,emotions which are overwhelming,diagnosed then sent home with perceptions.that is the amount of support given to women with mental health issues maybe weekly visits on-going care to evaluate medications

Upon diagnosis one has to crawl before they can walk,either mental health and addictions have been a way of life,or early detection is clear to the one that enters the recovery process.

When I was figuring this whole new world I had been faced with.I went from one crisis to another with periods of stability.The onset was when I finally made a decision that made me admit to myself something was not right in my lifestyle choices,that I wanted something different for my children, that I had known all my life,that this chain of family history could and would be broken had I sought.

Many emotions flooded upon the first step,like a crying baby,shaking all over,the realization of what I had become?

The anger & frustration,visits to Dr's,hospitals,but through it was the isolation
I kept it that way,my dirty little secret.

I began public speaking about the process of recovery,still celebrating with a beer at the end of each month sober.

It took be 18 months to get a one year chip from AA,that was a year from denial.
walking by the beer store was easier when it was closed.but when it was open I got the shakes,sweats,anxiety.

All my drinking friends,the life of the party,lifestyle well it all came to a halt.
sending me straight to depression.

The fog of alcoholism and depression lifted which really took a few more years.
and a 12 step program,my higher power giving up and surrendering of my own will.

Not an easy task for a proud,do it my way,kind of character.

I had neglected the period of depression,I took many anti-depressants,through out these periods of my life,Prozac sent me straight to detox as I drank alcohol,I was not warned of the effects.

Wellbrutrin was always a lift from utter despair which lasted weeks, months.that and B12 shots

Antidepressant where no longer giving me that lift,I was not drinking.still something was not right up down and all around on my thoughts and behaviors.

Walked into my GP's office told him how I was feeling,He said I was bipolar.
ok now I am alcoholic and Bipolar I am not mad...I am angry.

looked at him and started to cry,holding back the tears I said I need proof he asked a few questions,with his DR book and I was Bipolar right there in black and white print.

I slammed the door behind me with more perception's & prescriptions in hand,I was furious,I walked home after falling asleep in a field,on a summer day thinking why me?

Why me? Pour me another drink.I'd rather be drunk than face the fact I was now crazy?

stay tune the fun begins
Crazy me!
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