This is it..

This is it,I am completely content and satisfied with that.I woke up in the afternoon.I am extremely calm.I went to the washroom,thinking I can't push myself more than my mind or body can co-operate.It really has a life of it's own.
What I feel is utter calm and content.The day after my period came.once the river of pain and blood took my body..the soul calmed itself funny how nature us.
I sleep, I eat.I am ok with that cause it really is all I can do.
My favorite so I am ok with doing just that......
aaaahhhhhh

Downtown Jackson Brown..

Really the action,the movers and the shakers are Downtown Toronto.
I need to be part of it, networking with others that have the in connections.I have been out of the loop for far to long.Time to get back in the game.
here is my plan.

1) Fashion make-over head to toe.
2) Go to 2 events per week.
3) Work until it hurts with pleasure
4) Secure a downtown location
5) Reconnect with contacts
6) Hire people to do the leg work
7) Enter 2 writing contest per month
8) Write,write,write
9) Sell sell sell
10 Never never never give up!

Locked up or locked down

I awoke from an early evening nap by a dream I was in prison.they where going to transfer me to penitentiary with no possibility for release. I had no money and no one to represent my case.

I have been in a sense under lock down,the freedom I so crave is not possible,the torment of my mind has me bound in fear and doubt.

The inability to make decisions,to make a decisive choice on which direction I am headed.from this perspective the possibilities seem impossible.


Another week of P.M.S during the week prior I am in low mood mode,sleeping and eating,and highly irritable like a raving maniac with no self-control.The week of bleeding like a slaughter pig,leaves me weak,disoriented,headaches,cramps.
This leaves me two good weeks a month.
Hormones,bipolar perimenopause,what a combination.everything is overwhelming.
worry about things I cannot do anything about.Every once of energy taken like a vacumn sucking the dirt from a soiled carpet.
The worst part is every one else see the disrupted behavioral changes.they even say it must be that time.P.M.S
I respond saying it's putting up with your shit,I want to head for the door or any exit available to escape the feeling I have having to deal with you.
Certainly,there must be something.I can do!
In the 1800's the doctors used vibrators to keep a women from going mad.
Maybe if I had vibrating underwear.I would be happy.Dealing with this time of life
is difficult for me.Just imagine how difficult it is for my loved ones.

Mornings

This morning I woke up at 4am,after a dream of a family get together in my new condo.
yes it was just a dream.The feeling however made me realize how much I miss my family.Yes they drive me nuts..at times.How dull things are without that though.Really I needed a break and I took it.also who wants a mother minding there full grown children's lives.I miss there laughter,there quick and responsive ways of communication.The looks in there eyes.I miss them and my grandchildren very much!
With the addition of a new grandson soon upon us.February 10th,My youngest daughters first child.it is a quite exciting time for all of us.
This morning I went for my hour walk,played with the dogs in the snow.I throw the ball and Luke brings it back.It is so cute,while Lucy cries cause she is cold.
I need to get closer to the family,closer to the city.
I will look for a solution as this just isn't working.
Right now.that's all for now please leave your comments

Writing my daily word count

I counted words tonight for my short story.I am writing for a competition.I love to win at challenges.1st prize is 5,000 cash and a 30 week program for writers at Humber College.
A published short story.
Recognition for published works and a prize appeals to me.
It also takes me away from the bipolar topic.Something of a different place,The Victorian Era.I enjoy talking about myself in character.Express my silent voice through spoken words is a vehicle worth exploring.disciplining myself to see the story through to conclusion.
Daily I write rest,pace think and repeat.The daily word count is beyond the racing thoughts of my brain.I pour the words in a flowing manner,thinking of life between the sheets.
I have to finish the first draft,I am 1/2 way there.counting the words.is better than memorizing in thought.
Thanks for taking action by reading.
leave a comment I really appreciate them

A Dry Martini

I spent the day resting,eating good food,had good company,good music.The Grammy awards where fantastic.We are blessed with talent in our music industry.
Entertainment! finally.
This is Black History Month.On Febuary 4th @6pm.I am attending and meeting literary talent.The best in the business Mr.Austin Clarke.
A dry Martini,The older gentleman with dread locks & glasses orders from the bar at the Sutton Place Hotel. I asked him are they good? Mr Clarke responded have you ever tried it.He order one for me.A beautiful Martini glass with an olive at the bottom.
filled 1/4 from the top.I take a sip,make a face,puckered my lips.YUK!
I drank it all in one shot,Mr Clarke said,you're suppose to sip it.
He orders another,still wasn't my fancy.
I asked him what does he do? He said,I am a writer.
I told him I love to write and do it in my spare time.He said,we have a writers meeting here at the hotel every Saturday.why don't you come?
He writes his number on the back of the coaster from the drink.
I glance at the name.A few weeks went by I kept thinking I should go..but didn't.
Obviously busy doing other things.Well I am not doing anything but writing these days. Mr Austin Clarke is having a literary event at the Toronto Public Library.I will attend this time.I'll buy the Dry Martini.
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Alone in a world so cold

Alone in a world so cold...The weather is freezing,I am alone today..very alone.
Today is a feeling of doubts and self pity.why do others get breaks.Why am I alone and indifferent.Why are my finances messed up,why do I have to watch every cent,go through my fingers
Why can I not see my granddaughter on her 12th birthday.
Why do people irritate the hell out of me.why do people have to be rude,and obnoxious.Why can't I finish what I start.Why does it seem God has forsaken me.
Why is that I have to do everything,yet I can't do anything.Why is that I want to loose weight,but still I am fat.Why is that I need clothes,but I throw everything away.Why do I smoke,when it's not good for my health.why do I spend money gambling,when I just can't win.
why do I write,does anyone read or even care what I have to say?
why is there such distance in my family,when I love them so much.
why is my heart aching for all that I don't have.
Why do my tears fall,when I try to answer my call.
why does the phone ring,with unwanted inquiries.
Just why Am I alone in a world so cold.
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