Do I Do Mornings

Mornings have never in my life,been a part of the day I enjoy,unless I was up all night.It has been 2 months now.I do mornings,the doctor would try to get me into the habit of this.I would laugh and say good-luck,and really thought he was nuts.I am 46 yrs always nocturnal.The first time it happened day after day after a good-nights sleep,I was awake ready to start the day with breakfast.this lasted 18 days the first time,doing my morning walk for an hour.filling my days with writing, work.social.then I slipped into nights for 4 days,but ever since I do morning with a schedule,for my days not that I planned it that way it just happened.The results of a good night sleep and early morning wake time is I feel better,I don't feel as though I accomplished nothing,because my day if filled with activity.I do get tired by 7 or 8 pm have a hour nap.then I proceed with the evening in bed before midnight.
I do have a few concerns for this week,mostly financial.I actually really have my mind on my money,and to get ahead.The facts are I want to buy a house.This bipolar however is in the habit of blowing it.I mean lots of it cash that is.This week I have
put myself on a budget.I have never lived by a budget and when I try there is usually no cash to budget.My money theory is that faith will provide,yes work does help.so many others I know manage on so little,or fixed incomes of a pay check.
I can say I am blessed,in the ability to make money.keeping it well that's a goal I am working on.I wonder does faith and budgets even belong in the same sentence.does it not put limits on provisions.writing down every cent I spend,and what I make.
is keeping me honest with myself.this is really not me speaking cause in the past.
Did it really matter?
Thanks for reading
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It's cold inside and out

The weather has become very cold,I didn't do my hour walk today,managed 15 minutes.
kept cozy warm under the blankets for the later part of the afternoon.Went out for some social fun in the evening.wasn't much fun but I went out just to interact with others.I sometimes have to push myself and that's what I did tonight.Just like I am pushing myself to do this blog entry.well I can tell you my house dream seems so far away..I want it now we have been looking at the options.nothing has come yet?
Am I expecting to much,maybe.but I am not going to settle.I have a meeting tomorrow.hopefully it goes according to plan.I need the breakthrough with 20 days till Christmas.The pressure is on!I always work better under pressure.Some days your hot some days your not.It's just cold inside and out.
Thanks for reading

We will Survive

We will survive,to feel happiness you must have felt the pain.Things are about to change,things will never be the same.everything is moving so fast in time.Do you feel somewhat left behind,things moving along slower than your mind can think the thoughts.Single mothers don't get your heads down cause your man hits the door.
Now that I know things will never be the same and I will survive.
Somehow I have to learn that the process for others is very much the same they will survive.They really don't need me to tell them how?
However when I see human suffering through no fault of there own,it's what they know.
I keep thinking there are ways to change..but in them through them we must go.so we can grow.some get that chance some don't.
I am just grateful I did.I will survive,It's been proven that whatever is thrown in my path,I have overcome and become a better person for it.Just like you will.or maybe your already there.on the way.
However children,that are witness to abuse,addictions,disorder are very much affected.either they become it or get involved with more of the same in there relationships,and the cycle continues through to the new generations.this is where the change can begin by empowering and educations.we are what we learn.
let us teach them a better way of life.living vs surviving
thanks for reading.share your thoughts thanks

Christmas Spirit

Christmas Spirit is alive and well.Decorations adore the trees,lights glisten and beam.Shoppers visit the malls for the perfect gift.media compounds the spending madness with advertising of all that we should consume.Christmas cards are made and sent.menus are prepared and planned.giving is the spirit of Christmas.
A time for families to share this special day.Children of all ages unwrapping what Santa sent.The music the sounds of Christmas come alive.
leading up to this very special day,always makes me anxious.can I make it just so right,with all the right food,gifts and atmosphere..perfectionism.
The race against time,I always leave preparation to the last minute.a day or two before.Every year I say I am going to do it differently,but I'd rather not have it any other way.
The pressure gives me a sense of relief on the day of Christmas looking at the year gone by and the onset of a new one.
We as a family celebrate the season on Christmas eve.with the drifters on Christmas day.
This year,will be different.I am going to be the drifter.allowing my family the gift of Christmas to offer there children in the comfort of there homes,making there Christmas preparation special for there children and passing it along.the memories of the Christmas Spirit.
This year I'll give money,and save the shopping madness for others.
Happy shopping and preparing to all in the Christmas Spirit

In the struggles

Life does bring with it struggles and challenges.What are you struggling with today?
It seems that when we are going through it,we are very much alone,that there is no end in sight.Struggling alone with Mental Health and Addictions in itself is such a struggle add life on life's term it appears to be an impossible challenge.
Do you have addictions? Do they control your thoughts and actions each day.?

For those of us that don't like the God word I'll use higher power and for those that are ok with God.or spirituality call it what you wish.

The higher power that dwells in each one of,yes even you.can consider the life path and where it all began.
As an innocent child,within a home and family.Family roots begin to take shape building our beliefs and character.
Individuals either have a positive experience as a child or not so pleasant.
We have learned so much about coping,habits,beliefs from our family dynamics.but each individuals abilities and talents are different.
Could be be possible these teaching would shape the rest of our adult lives.
imagine just for one moment you as a child.was it a safe&stable place,or filled with domestic violence, abuse,drugs and alcohol.
I can only say for myself it was the later,thus my approach and learning skills where
to fix,suppress,stifle,the struggle.
everything appears to be ok,but deep inside there is something going on?
Throughout the darkest struggles it seems that my higher power acknowledges them.
bringing me to a place of honesty and to look at life on life terms.
Sure we have our share of struggles,Don't we?
Let's just consider some of these struggles,family,finances,relationships,death,illness,business,ones own inner turmoil.
There are a few ways I know of to handle the situation,face them,run from them,deny them,suppress them,do something about them,forget them.
If these all fail drink and drug them.
These are all coping mechanisms I have learned.
In all honesty none of the above have worked.
In the struggle,what does seem to work at least for me is a positive attitude that this to shall pass,that I am strong enough and smart enough to deal with what comes my way.the realization that these struggles actually come before me to make me a better person,to gain understanding of myself and others.
My higher power has a plan,the struggle appears when I do my will,it is not in line with the will of my higher power.
once through the struggle the victory of battle is won,fruits of the spirit take shape
love peace joy understanding patience that surpasses all understanding.
Grace and mercy fill our days with a thankful and grateful heart for the struggles that come our way.
However there does come a time of abundance and freedom.
once the struggle is in line with the will
thanks for reading comments are appreciated
Susan xo

Thankful Thursday How lucky am I

Thankful Thursday,well this week I am thankful for kindness,increasing my capacity to receive,and weight loss. I start the day with prayer and gratitude there is a change in my attitude.I woke up at 10am,went for an hour walk in the rain with a grateful heart,the dogs however where not impressed.
Money is tight once again,I asked the manager if I could pay for my suite tomorrow.
I really hate to ask,pride.
He said kindly no problem.well I can tell you it was a problem for me.fear pride and humility.The room service lady took long to clean the suite.minor irritant
once gain work is dead.I had not planned for that.I did my on-line work,had a nap,
when doubt comes in I start wonder,what the hell I am doing?
I am thankful for my capacity to receive.exactly what did I receive today,patience..
never been my forte..understanding others,rest and peace of mind, weight loss I can tell you about two dress sizes and 50lbs since I came off the meds,this is making me feel lighter,the body shape is coming back bonus!
However I have not been eating my vegetables,some things are important and this is one of them I really notice a difference in mood going towards low.when I cut this part out.
Evening came,I did socialize with a few others from the hotel that have other dogs.came back and then..the post from another got me fired up..
finally some fire under my ass.
the topic was education.many people say I am lucky that I don't have to take meds.
where exactly is the luck? I was med resistant,which means for two years of med compliance,adverse side-effects,sickness,vomiting,shits,zombie land,I could not think write talk,my hands shaking like I was epileptic.80lb weight gain not able to work.sitting in a room alone.I didn't want anyone to see me like that,much less my family and friends.
what came next..teaching myself about the illness..I had no supports oh yes a Phychiatrist that sent me to learn,it started small.no coffee OMG he such a prick!
eat vegetables without the dip,get real,what planet is he from anyways.
However he was so darn cute I kept going back to see him.really that is why I did.
God does have a sense of humor with stubborn people like me.
Another thing no drugs and no alcohol,oh come on I am going to an all inclusive resort
in Punta Cana..he said all inclusive doesn't mean you have to drink everything available.one drink
I stopped smoking weed,from 1/2 quarter to not inhaling.now that's progress
sunlight was another one of his bright ideas.now really how is that possible when I sleep 10-14 hours a day at that time.exclusively a nocturnal night owl.
sun hurts my eyes.
it was the hardest thing in those days to roll over and get to the appointment,most days I just didn't roll just back over and back to sleep.
everything I did,group,therapy,meds nothing worked maybe a day or week.I just wanted my life back.to live
I would walk sometimes maybe to the store to get smokes,then I got the dog.they need to walk,so they took me along sometimes pulling and dragging,but I walked to the park.once I was out we would keep going,from 5 mins to an hour every morning.then again in the afternoon.finally some sunlight and nature beauty was surrounding me once again.things looked colorful.dark dark and dreary as days gone by.
Then an occupational therapist introduced me to mindful meditation.maybe she's nutcase I thought to myself.we did it together.2 minutes worked dily to 20 minutes.suddenly over time racing thought disappeared.
The doctor and myself where happy with the result.I was still slipping in nd out however.then the therapist challenged me finally something to do.work on me!
not on others by controlling them or my environment I learned about triggers,this was insightful and welcomed by family members calmness became a new thing..handling things that came up like conflicts,calmly expressing myself and allowing them to do so.aahh the anger was subsiding
I began to reach out to others..social slowly as the fits of anger where embarrassing to others.I would go out for set time slots initially 1.2 hrs then worked my way up to hours if I was ok.once or twice a week.
I could go on and on I will do a part two to this post but for now the point is it has nothing to do with luck to be med free and the suffering one goes through on meds
is hell on earth.at least it was to me.but slowly behavioral and lifestyle changes
monitoring and maintenance on a the daily,mapping moods,so much to do it takes work nothing comes easy,but the work is showing results.
I was lucky to be up for the challenge always did things they said I couldn't
How are you doing at this moment on your journey with Mental health and Addictions?

Love the moment.flowers grow out of dark places.Therefore each moment is vital.it affects the whole.Life is a succession of such moments and to live each..is to succeed~Corita Kent

Wacky Wednesday

This wacky Wednesday was off to a weird start,I was awaken by front desk 11:00 am
the lady said, we have no suites available for tonight.how can that be I am in one you dumb nut.I told her to have the manager call me.well it put me in a mood.simple as that.I went to the front desk ready to attack,however the manager was there he said I could stay.yeah I guess so nimrod.grab a coffee,back to my room.
I was not in the mood for housekeeping,Do not Disturb sign is on the door.Housekeeping calls and asks if I need service? Do Not Disturb..aarrgghh.
The dogs are quite,I thought let's go for a walk,as it always changes my mood.
I finally dressed for the cold weather,however the sun is shining,very mild.
my pants so big they are falling off me arse.
There is an eeriness about today,quite peaceful,2 hours walk grabbed another coffee.
I need motivation as if the coffee are going to damn well help.the walk did however.
along the way I found a dime,and an elastic for my hair.
Gods way of saying money is coming and fix your hair.
I slip into a jacuzzi bubble bath,then into something more form fitting.
Blow dry my hair,put make-up on
I am loving the shape my body is becoming.
I tried to barbecue some chicken,the tank was empty.
I tried to work,not even a phone call
I tried to blog,the computer died
I tried to improve my mood,but to no avail
I tried could be that I didn't try hard enough.
not likely,it is just one of those days
tried to sleep,can't
tried to pray, does he hear
tried to connect no one there
tried and tried and tried.....