Alone in a world so cold

Alone in a world so cold...The weather is freezing,I am alone today..very alone.
Today is a feeling of doubts and self pity.why do others get breaks.Why am I alone and indifferent.Why are my finances messed up,why do I have to watch every cent,go through my fingers
Why can I not see my granddaughter on her 12th birthday.
Why do people irritate the hell out of me.why do people have to be rude,and obnoxious.Why can't I finish what I start.Why does it seem God has forsaken me.
Why is that I have to do everything,yet I can't do anything.Why is that I want to loose weight,but still I am fat.Why is that I need clothes,but I throw everything away.Why do I smoke,when it's not good for my health.why do I spend money gambling,when I just can't win.
why do I write,does anyone read or even care what I have to say?
why is there such distance in my family,when I love them so much.
why is my heart aching for all that I don't have.
Why do my tears fall,when I try to answer my call.
why does the phone ring,with unwanted inquiries.
Just why Am I alone in a world so cold.
Thanks for reading.Please post a comment

Blog is undergoing changes

Bipolar love to change,when I make changes to my blog.It requires time,color,creative process.Yes technical skills.
Bipolar brain does not compute,specially when I really need it to.
This blog appearance is temporary as soon as the brain and skills come together,
I'll have it fixed.
Thanks

Bipolar Head Trauma

Hi there,Welcome back

I just want to start this post,with some encouragement yes everyone knows so much it seems about bipolar these days.The so called experts.I can tell you I have become an expert on the illness as I have walked in the shoes.step by step,day by day.
Truly for my own recovery,most of it was trial and error,what works for me,what doesn't.15 yrs of the onset of depression,then bipolar,which finally acute rapid-cycling bipolar.there are stages of bipolar and it is a progressive illness.
However,I can say through the pasy 8yrs of research on the topic of bipolar.Many questions arise.I needed to get answers.Just when I think I have it figured out something new is revealed to me.good thing it's progressive as everyday is a learning opportunity.

Bipolar and Head Trauma.
I was thinking before sleep last night,can Bipolar start with a head trauma?
Googled and to much surprise yes it can.
What troubled me was the fact as many doctor as I have seen no one ever explored this
with me.
head trauma at birth,or car accident can result in genetic dormant bipolar.
With onset of bipolar,2-8 yrs following.
The fact that no one takes this into consideration is bothersome.
Bipolar is a brain disease.Insurance companies would be required to pay,if indeed a persons life was destroyed as a result of illness.
lets just give them a meager monthly wage in disability.rather than a payment for the initial head trauma,which can result in bipolar illness,and other forms of mental illness.
I am going to explore this option further,with the mental health and addiction team.
at the hospital.
I would be interested to hear from you! Have you ever fallen,been in a car accident,
beaten on the head,or had a problematic birth.
suffered concussion from the head trauma?
With Mental illness onset many years after the head trauma.this is worth exploring for future Bipolar Patients
Thanks for reading and participating

Living on a Prayer

Living on a prayer..Our faith is tested when we have to overcome challenges with little or no resources.
Faith is seeing the belief of something that can't be seen.
It can be applied to one's spirituality,circumstance,overcoming Mental Health and addictions, finances.
This leads me to one's own reality,it there something your believing in today?
yet have seen the fruits of your faith?
When preparation meets destiny..will it happen for me? and you?
Reality as it exist at this very moment.It makes me question what the hell am I really doing? exactly this.I live in a hotel.I write.I walk.I eat.I think.I breathe.
I sleep.I read.I meditate.
The addict in me wants everything instantly.gratification immediate.NOW
I smoke,it is awaking to me,that I can always find a way to supply my needs and wants for my addictions.
If one day I can't there is always hell to pay for others.and myself the torment of withdrawal.
Withdrawing from life is quite simple you close the door behind you.
However to engage in addictive behaviors,yes they are a result of mental health.
To the addict nothing good is quite good enough,but if it is bad for us,the badder the better right.
My father always said the good the bad and the ugly.
The ugly is I am demanding,controlling,and can be very mean when I don't get my way.
I manipulate everything and everyone to suit my needs and wants.
I yell, I scream, I am stronger than the weak and vulnerable.
Life has taught me this.My life
day after day,one by one.
Thanks for reading Post a comment

The Midnightmatters Project

Developing my own style of writing,a unique prospective on Mental Health and Addictions,creating a platform in which to deliver my message.
Midnight matters is the essence in which I create.I work best in the midnight hours.
The silence of the room,allows for my mind to be a playground.
Having viewed the world around me,looking for clues of inspiration as the day unfolds.
The signs,the wonders that fuel my soul.
The darkest of nights await the dawn.
The connections I make with others,form friendships built on value and trust.
The midnight matters a time for engaging others to challenge their thought processes,
to understand the importance of choice in recovery.
The insight of voice for those that continue to suffer in silence and isolation.
The words are a powerful strategy to teach,inform,support those affected by Mental Health and Addictions.
What drives me in this project?
Many I have known and loved didn't have a chance or choice in their experience with Mental Health and Addiction.Precious life is claimed by suicide,drug overdoses,alcohol related deaths,abuse of self and others which greatly affects the family as a whole.
Poverty,the mode of basic survival.
A life often known..without available options or resources
This project,I have been working on for 2 years.However I have come to the conclusion that my platform needs to be concise with attainable goals
The writing part of the project is to have articles and a book written for publication.public engagements.

Life is about timing,The unreachable,becomes reachable.The unavailable,available.
The unattainable,attainable.Be patient,wait it out.It's all about timing
~Stacey Charter

Bipolar days of nothing.

Bipolar days are high lows..somewhere in between,never really knowing one moment to the next what mood we will be in,Days of nothing but gloom and doom can be the darkest of moments.Self-doubts,intrusive thoughts,everything around us seems impossible even ourselves.We isolate,cause really who would want to see us like this,or even want to be around us? Curtains drawn,lifeless feelings and loss of energy.It can hit for no apparent reason.It is just one of those days,but when one of those days turns into weeks and months..Manic Depression is the illness.Bipolar to me,are the cycles.
Winston Churchill called it the Black Dog,Many of us don't even like the description of depression.I am included I rarely mention the D word,I call them low moods.
To many of us,Depression is a sign of lost hope,it is more than a feeling,It really is a big part of who we are,what we have become.Everyday,every moment is a struggle.
Simple daily tasks,like waking up,getting out of bed,getting dressed,answering the phone,talking to a single soul in the area in which we are.
Connecting with others, keeping a schedule,preforming our work, are during these times impossible tasks..Never mind things like housework,cooking,bill payments.
The darkness of day,reaches our soul..The loneliness even in a crowd of happy faces.
In this place,we are comfortable.There is no challenge in living day to day depressed.However doing something to get of that dark place is..
Here are a few tips that work for me.

1) GET UP!
2) Get moving
3) Make my bed
4) Eat something of nutritional value vegetables or low sugar fruit
5) Writing,keeping a mood journal,creative writing,goals of 5 things check them off when completed,not all in one day.
6) Go for a walk,start with 15 minutes..each day add 10 minutes.till you are walking an hour each day..the sunshine is wonderful for depressed people,and say hello to others as you pass them by,start a conversation..
7)Prayer and meditation ask for help
I have been a spiritual person,since a young girl,I pray daily and read my bible.
Mindful meditation is a quite place with no thoughts..check out how to do it on-line.
8)Each day I have fun,at times I really have to force my self.I smile and practice
cause a depressed person,doesn't smile much..laughter is natures best medicine.
I try to be with happy people,it does rub off.adding 1 hour of social a few times a week..start and get involved
9)Talk on the phone..there are a few people I can talk to,friends that will call me as I am not calling anyone when I am depressed..I make sure to answer the phone..
I talk about them,an event..just not about me..Getting out of myself is good to.
10)Have a bath..it relaxes me..with bubbles
11) Read a book a few chapters at a time..I focus on what I am reading rather than drifting away in my thoughts.
12)Sleep..I know many of us sleep to much and feel guilty about it..sleep is a benefit to depression.
13)Be good to myself..ie) do my hair,get my nails done,a new piece of clothing,
a little pampering goes a long way
14)feel the feelings..go through
15)when all my efforts no longer improve my mood state..and mood last longer than 2 weeks..I have a visit to the Dr's..He always has great suggestions
Managing the illness..takes work daily.
Sometimes doing nothing is OK to.
Thanks for reading leave a comment or suggestion

Bipolar dwelling..getting on with life..It is for the living

It is Monday,after a great week-end after putting health and work aside.I had fun!
Friday it started with a girlfriend,coming by purely a coincidence as she didn't know where I was at.I was going to get smoke and there she was in her vehicle.I laughed and she took me to the store.I have been in seclusion for awhile now.
I went out for an evening of gambling and social fun.
Saturday morning the phone rings it is a girlfriend could barely say hello the door knocks it's my buddy Coco.she comes in I ask my other girlfriend if I can call her later.Coco says get ready we are going for breakfast.I was preparing myself a dish of vegetables,quickly left it behind,combed my hair off we went.we ate,laughed just as we always do.
after we took the dogs for a run.
Sunday morning we waited for my grandson,both daughters arrived with my grand kids in the back it was a quick visit,but nice to see them,even better that they where going to church.My youngest daughter is expecting her first child,she is due February 10th.
very exciting time for the family.
We left to go to the Air Canada center to see the Raptors game vs the mavericks.
it was exciting,fun,not to mention Chris bosh rocks it for the Raptors,I took lots of pictures.we all had fun,it was nice to see my grandson smiling,me to for that matter.
I went to look at a house,that was advertised by a business executive.what a dump by my standards it amazes me how people choose to live.I love my life.
I live for the moments that make up each day.I had quite a few special moments that had nothing to with bipolar moments life is for the living.
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