Mornings

This morning I woke up at 4am,after a dream of a family get together in my new condo.
yes it was just a dream.The feeling however made me realize how much I miss my family.Yes they drive me nuts..at times.How dull things are without that though.Really I needed a break and I took it.also who wants a mother minding there full grown children's lives.I miss there laughter,there quick and responsive ways of communication.The looks in there eyes.I miss them and my grandchildren very much!
With the addition of a new grandson soon upon us.February 10th,My youngest daughters first child.it is a quite exciting time for all of us.
This morning I went for my hour walk,played with the dogs in the snow.I throw the ball and Luke brings it back.It is so cute,while Lucy cries cause she is cold.
I need to get closer to the family,closer to the city.
I will look for a solution as this just isn't working.
Right now.that's all for now please leave your comments

Writing my daily word count

I counted words tonight for my short story.I am writing for a competition.I love to win at challenges.1st prize is 5,000 cash and a 30 week program for writers at Humber College.
A published short story.
Recognition for published works and a prize appeals to me.
It also takes me away from the bipolar topic.Something of a different place,The Victorian Era.I enjoy talking about myself in character.Express my silent voice through spoken words is a vehicle worth exploring.disciplining myself to see the story through to conclusion.
Daily I write rest,pace think and repeat.The daily word count is beyond the racing thoughts of my brain.I pour the words in a flowing manner,thinking of life between the sheets.
I have to finish the first draft,I am 1/2 way there.counting the words.is better than memorizing in thought.
Thanks for taking action by reading.
leave a comment I really appreciate them

A Dry Martini

I spent the day resting,eating good food,had good company,good music.The Grammy awards where fantastic.We are blessed with talent in our music industry.
Entertainment! finally.
This is Black History Month.On Febuary 4th @6pm.I am attending and meeting literary talent.The best in the business Mr.Austin Clarke.
A dry Martini,The older gentleman with dread locks & glasses orders from the bar at the Sutton Place Hotel. I asked him are they good? Mr Clarke responded have you ever tried it.He order one for me.A beautiful Martini glass with an olive at the bottom.
filled 1/4 from the top.I take a sip,make a face,puckered my lips.YUK!
I drank it all in one shot,Mr Clarke said,you're suppose to sip it.
He orders another,still wasn't my fancy.
I asked him what does he do? He said,I am a writer.
I told him I love to write and do it in my spare time.He said,we have a writers meeting here at the hotel every Saturday.why don't you come?
He writes his number on the back of the coaster from the drink.
I glance at the name.A few weeks went by I kept thinking I should go..but didn't.
Obviously busy doing other things.Well I am not doing anything but writing these days. Mr Austin Clarke is having a literary event at the Toronto Public Library.I will attend this time.I'll buy the Dry Martini.
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Alone in a world so cold

Alone in a world so cold...The weather is freezing,I am alone today..very alone.
Today is a feeling of doubts and self pity.why do others get breaks.Why am I alone and indifferent.Why are my finances messed up,why do I have to watch every cent,go through my fingers
Why can I not see my granddaughter on her 12th birthday.
Why do people irritate the hell out of me.why do people have to be rude,and obnoxious.Why can't I finish what I start.Why does it seem God has forsaken me.
Why is that I have to do everything,yet I can't do anything.Why is that I want to loose weight,but still I am fat.Why is that I need clothes,but I throw everything away.Why do I smoke,when it's not good for my health.why do I spend money gambling,when I just can't win.
why do I write,does anyone read or even care what I have to say?
why is there such distance in my family,when I love them so much.
why is my heart aching for all that I don't have.
Why do my tears fall,when I try to answer my call.
why does the phone ring,with unwanted inquiries.
Just why Am I alone in a world so cold.
Thanks for reading.Please post a comment

Blog is undergoing changes

Bipolar love to change,when I make changes to my blog.It requires time,color,creative process.Yes technical skills.
Bipolar brain does not compute,specially when I really need it to.
This blog appearance is temporary as soon as the brain and skills come together,
I'll have it fixed.
Thanks

Bipolar Head Trauma

Hi there,Welcome back

I just want to start this post,with some encouragement yes everyone knows so much it seems about bipolar these days.The so called experts.I can tell you I have become an expert on the illness as I have walked in the shoes.step by step,day by day.
Truly for my own recovery,most of it was trial and error,what works for me,what doesn't.15 yrs of the onset of depression,then bipolar,which finally acute rapid-cycling bipolar.there are stages of bipolar and it is a progressive illness.
However,I can say through the pasy 8yrs of research on the topic of bipolar.Many questions arise.I needed to get answers.Just when I think I have it figured out something new is revealed to me.good thing it's progressive as everyday is a learning opportunity.

Bipolar and Head Trauma.
I was thinking before sleep last night,can Bipolar start with a head trauma?
Googled and to much surprise yes it can.
What troubled me was the fact as many doctor as I have seen no one ever explored this
with me.
head trauma at birth,or car accident can result in genetic dormant bipolar.
With onset of bipolar,2-8 yrs following.
The fact that no one takes this into consideration is bothersome.
Bipolar is a brain disease.Insurance companies would be required to pay,if indeed a persons life was destroyed as a result of illness.
lets just give them a meager monthly wage in disability.rather than a payment for the initial head trauma,which can result in bipolar illness,and other forms of mental illness.
I am going to explore this option further,with the mental health and addiction team.
at the hospital.
I would be interested to hear from you! Have you ever fallen,been in a car accident,
beaten on the head,or had a problematic birth.
suffered concussion from the head trauma?
With Mental illness onset many years after the head trauma.this is worth exploring for future Bipolar Patients
Thanks for reading and participating

Living on a Prayer

Living on a prayer..Our faith is tested when we have to overcome challenges with little or no resources.
Faith is seeing the belief of something that can't be seen.
It can be applied to one's spirituality,circumstance,overcoming Mental Health and addictions, finances.
This leads me to one's own reality,it there something your believing in today?
yet have seen the fruits of your faith?
When preparation meets destiny..will it happen for me? and you?
Reality as it exist at this very moment.It makes me question what the hell am I really doing? exactly this.I live in a hotel.I write.I walk.I eat.I think.I breathe.
I sleep.I read.I meditate.
The addict in me wants everything instantly.gratification immediate.NOW
I smoke,it is awaking to me,that I can always find a way to supply my needs and wants for my addictions.
If one day I can't there is always hell to pay for others.and myself the torment of withdrawal.
Withdrawing from life is quite simple you close the door behind you.
However to engage in addictive behaviors,yes they are a result of mental health.
To the addict nothing good is quite good enough,but if it is bad for us,the badder the better right.
My father always said the good the bad and the ugly.
The ugly is I am demanding,controlling,and can be very mean when I don't get my way.
I manipulate everything and everyone to suit my needs and wants.
I yell, I scream, I am stronger than the weak and vulnerable.
Life has taught me this.My life
day after day,one by one.
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