Parks and Trails

I started the day making appointments for chiropractor & massage,my body needs a tune-up of sorts.I enjoyed a 3 hour walk in the parks and trails of Malvern.
Each day I take a new direction when I am walking,I see things that normally I would just pass by when driving.I saw a man playing soccor with his kids. When I see a father playing with his children it warms my heart,and makes me smile.The kids looked like they where having fun too.

The park,by the public school had Memory to a child A Place of Rest. Inscripted in copper.
It was located just beneath the maple tree.

Then people, place and things....Rambling in quick & quite sequence through the meditation and mindful observance as well as a few regrets.

The dogs did some obdience training. Can`t people be like dogs so loyal,kind and loving.Even in the dog community you immediatly know one limitations as well has dominance Correction results into submission.

Music also plays in the park.I always loved the parks they bring a sense of solitude, a oneness with the nature and spirit.

In Celebration Of Earth day..When for one hour we are without light or indusry
I will be sitting at the board walk looking at the beauty of the lake and those that admire natures beauty..

One would have to equate the nature of people. All I can say is we certainly can learn a thing or two from what is nature. Human Nature.That is....

Name one element of nature,decribe the feeling at that moment.
Engage your five senses..If you can name them all.

Leave a comment....I appreciate your admiration and loyality

OK so I am not there yet?

Ok so I am not there yet? Where? I want to be, in the comfort of my purchased home.
In the mean time I am stopping at nothing.Sure I have been sidetracked,but nothing is going to hold me back.
Listen to every word I say! Not what your perceptions bring to mind.
Really some people got to win and some got to loose.
I woke up to a nasty voicemail. My not so loving daughter left it.
Sure: My reaction was utter hate,set me off to anyone or anything in the moment.
People call me,contact me,with hatred for there lives,I love my life.
Some people hate themselves,I love myself.
I don't need you,really do I even like you?
The point I am making is my days go beyond your perception or your level of comprehension.
Your where your at,cause really that is where you have chosen to be.
Good thing I have choices and I make them.
I may not be what you think or want me to be.
That is not any ones else decision and if your to busy wondering what I am up to or doing?
I am not there yet!
Susan post a comment thanks for reading.

The in betweens

I slept in the morning,Got up had a smoke looked at the sunshine.Thought to myself what a beautiful day.Then I thought this is the day the Lord haas made I will rejoice and be glad in it.Listening to reggae music and cooking some food. In the last few months although many disappointing experience have been about our family, It has been tough and really it has been that way for most people.We are not alone.
It show that in life although we all have peaks and valleys for Bipolar they are more intense.The in between days are welcomed and to be enjoyed.Well untill the shit hits the fan next time I will enjoy the day!

My new grandson was sent to heaven

The excitement of a new baby,all the preparation that goes into planning for the arrival of a new baby.My youngest daughters first child Jeremiah,was taken from us on his 34th day of life.The shock of a alert healthy baby boy,dead in his crib.
There are so many questions I have?
Why would God be so cruel is the first one?
Why would he break my daughters heart?
This was a planned pregnancy she really wanted to be a mother,she finished college in November,and looked forward to her new son and family.
Sunday morning we where to visit when we got this terrible news.
Words cannot express how I feel and to tell you the truth I am at a loss for words.
There are no possible words to console my daughter.
She is hurt,angry, and nothing I can do will take that away from her.
Her son Jeremiah was so cute,alert,smiled like he came to open our hearts.
The room was filled with all the baby needs,some of his clothes where bigger than he.
I told her he was dressed till five.My daughter made the right decisions in planning for his care.
My first funeral planning was for my grandson,was this God's plan to give then take away?
I am fully aware that this life we have is on borrowed time.he wasn't given a chance.
that was not our choice.
R.I.P my sweet angel,my grandson Jeremiah.
Sunrise Febuary 17 2010*****Sunset March 21 2010

Homelessness An inside look

If you have been following the blog, my faith journey into bipolar madness.
took me on the road into homelessness,I have been living at hotels,friends & family,
then a shelter.I had a few of my well intentioned friends tell me I can't afford this lifestyle.This doubter listened and after my hospital stint,I was discharged to a homeless shelter.First I ended up at one in the west-end, dinner was being served as the women lined up ,my dearest friend of 15 yrs worked there who is also the mother of my daughter's friend.I left as the embarrassment of what others would think was intolerable to me.
I made a few calls to the local homeless shelters,a list had been provided to me at the hospital.

Day 1 at the shelter, my observations.
Women ranging from young to old,trans genders.some wild some calm.
two-three women occupied a small room with lockers,beds,a dresser,a side table.
three levels of stairs that seemed overwhelming when carry all my bags.I really put a new meaning to bag lady.a washroom with stall like showers.T.V lounge equipped with flat screen T.V's and chairs scattered the large room.
Balconies that would have seating for the smokers.,the ashtray a can filled with butts.
A dining room which fed the city workers better than the homeless women.
Some days one would choose not to eat in the dining room with outbreaks of stomach flu.
Everyone in the shelter kept to themselves,it is an unwritten rule.
Upon entering the shelter there is an intake process,showers and all laundry must be done.
medications are locked up.distributed different times throughout the day.Curfew was 3:00 am.

Good thing for me was I fit right in,with the personality I have people were either scared of me,or open to my inquiries.
I am always on the look out for subject matter for my writings.
Now that I look back I am able to see why I couldn't sleep.
The ere sound of doors slamming,as to add volume echoes of the past.
A knock on the door startled me.I said hello?
The voice said,why are you making so much noise in there.I laid upon my bed the silence of the darkest night.I responded if you can hear me think than yes I am making noise.She said go to sleep.I couldn't help but think was someone really there?
I jumped from my bed,the irons gave way.No one could be seen,but her eminence left behind.
I slammed the door,just like I heard for the next 10 minutes,doors slamming,I stood in the hall leaning against the wall,the doors remained closed and the sounds left Sleep was a distant hope.
I was moved with emotion,first shock then panic.tears filled my eyes I began to hyper-ventilate.
Then I went for a smoke to calm my nerves,as well as nightly meds did the trick.
Jane was in her 50's a beauty in delicate terms her frail appearance,bulked by the coats she wore, we talked before as I really loved her coat.It was a white feather duvet that had a hole to fit her head through,she had hand stitched a brown pashmina to add to it's flare.

Jane offered me a few cigarettes,as I was running low.this doesn't usually happen people don't give there smokes away.she also asked me if a MacDonald's card would help.It was for 5:00 worth of food,her sheer kindness giving from nothing,seemed odd to me.Jane had told me her situation it was a way of survival,much like the way rats survive.not like a pampered housewife,her only decision in life was what she was going to change the color of her nail polish.It immediately hit me.I was pampered as I had been thinking about my nails all day.

I sat the good part of the early morning in the
donut shop,in my fluffy purple pajama's reading the newspaper,my glasses kept sliding off my nose into my search of apartments.I ate my breakfast as a gift from a friend.
With inadequate sleep,side-effects from the medications,made it seem all to daunting and confusing.
I began to walk,the wondering of up to 10hrs daily,an escape from the truth of what homelessness entails.
My quest for truth,was about to hit me in the face.I was sitting outside CAMH,a centre for Mental health and Addictions located on college st.approached by a few guys asking for a smoke.I gave two,from my newly opened pack.
One guy introduced himself as the new candidate for mayor,he had a mishap at the Scott mission and was waiting for the police.He was dressed the part suit & tie with a smile that made me unsure.
Then another guy was about to leave,I asked him to stay.His name was Oscar.he was well spoken,his appearance was a little scruffy,he was carrying a nap sac.I asked him what he does? He said he was homeless.
I laughed and said so am I.I am living at a women's shelter.Oscar and I spent the day together he introduced me to his friends some had addictions,some where alcoholics.
He told them I was a writer they gave me some good stuff.I am just checking in to see what condition,my condition was in.~Kenny Rogers
The part that stood out for me was these guys are funny,and articulate,but homeless
Oscar told me what his routine was daily,he got up around 7am,had breakfast,picked up cigarette buts,pan handled,went to the library,while we where at the library I helped him with confidence and a job search.all he really wished for was a job.
Oscar had said.he had been homeless for 30 yrs,although he came from a good well established family,they still remain in contact.
He really never considered the mental health aspect,of addictions.
as we where walking,it hit me after listening to this guy,homelessness was not an option of most it was a way of life.How dare I take this life as an experiment,how self imposed I was to come into this click of people that had so willingly taken me under there care,on the streets.
It felt like a slap on the face,I didn't need to be there.I was there.

Tim Horton's was a welcomed break from the bitter cold and rain.Even with the biggest of egos thinking I was coaching Oscar in a better direction.It was him in his modest way that taught me the value,of compassion & humility
That we are at home within.that spiritually I had work to do.His job was done for the day ministering to my broken spirit.we parted ways after a stop in a store,I had to get my granddaughter a birthday gift.we shared some laughs.He was going to the church for dinner.

I left the experience for a comfortable hotel suite.
My job was done,never take my life for granted.
looking at others in judgement was not my place.

Arnold did a list of pros vs cons of homelessness

Opportunity to spend time on my writings
homelessness provides space.
cuts costs
homelessness is a war within ones mind
Surrender to it.
having an open mind to opportunity throughout the day.

Con
who am I trying to impress?
I'm building this house in Toronto for me to live in.
where I am most comfortable.

Arnold's biggest question Why do I constantly accept homelessness as an answer or a means to an end?
where does this lead?

Thanks for reading share a comment,since your here!

Bipolar A living example.

Living wih Bipolar,A living example.
Many Bipolars are dead as a result of suicide,drug overdoses.
Others are in hospitals,jails,institutions.
Sometimes I complain,and worry,but really I have to think most times how lucky am I.
To have an illness, I can live with.
It makes me think of the many people with Mental health and Addictions that are not living.
I have choices,unlike most.
I have freedom unlike most.
The freedom to choose, living a life with Bipolar.
Certainly,it is not conventional.
Surely it seems odd to most.
When we compare our life to others,we don`t see the struggles and triumphs.
Most are to ashamed to share this intimate part of their lives.
Until they have arrived at the goal of all that glitters.
or when they die their lives are somehow,glorified in our hearts.
The sheer nervousness in the pit of my stomach tells me,I am on the right track.
This journey of faith,living with Bipolar.
Thanks for reading and stopping by.
leave your comments I appreciate them.

Bipolar tips on keeping a man

Saturday is my 8th wedding anniversary.Considering I never thought I would be married.I loved being single.
I got married to someone who is patient,kind,generous,good-looking,funny,and he loves me,stands with me every step of the bipolar experience.Thank-you.

Here are a few tips to keep a man.

1) Keep it interesting,this works as bipolar don't even know what they are doing next,most of the time.

2) Mood swings seem to keep them on there toes,happy, sad,outgoing,introverted,sexy and crazy.Unpredictable moods swings work best.

3) Make sure he has a good source of income,this will help in the manic spending sprees.

4) A sense of humour helps, bipolar can make the simplest things complicated.
laughter will lighten the load.

5) Speaking of loads, bipolar hate housework during depressive state,while a world wind cleaning spell will look like we are moving again,or your leaving him.

6) Call him at work,sounds desperate.But he will come home directly with no diversions.

7) Make sure he drives,this will help him to deliver all your wants and needs.

8) Get a dog,this will keep him busy..while your wondering the streets.

9) Make sure his sleeping pattern is different than yours Bipolar up all night,this is when he gets to sleep.Sometimes

10)Make sure he doesn't drink or do drugs,cause living with bipolar there is not enough for two.

Consistent effort required on their part will ensure a happy man & marriage.

Please leave a comment thanks for dropping by!
Susan xo