Avoidance

The past few weeks I have been in the mode of avoiding the realities of my life..Why?
I have come to the conclusion the with every phone call comes a problem..and I have chosen not to react to others problems or take on the emotional crap that comes with it..I am usually very compassionate and understanding however the last few weeks I am none of these things..I have a unique gift of discernment and I can see things coming from a mile away..but no one listens they call for support which at this time I am unable to give..especially when they don't want to listen or follow my suggestions..keep on keeping on and see what comes about and latley the results are aweful..it can be avoided the difficulties, the health problems, deaths, however all of these things are at the door or the end of the line and quite frankly it contributes to my depressed state..so what do I do I avoid..stop answering the phone..the door and participating in my life as at times I feel the pain that others go through..and often I take it on..however this time something is different I am allowing others to deal cope and learn from the own trials and tribulations it is the best teacher..I cannot save the world..this just is not within my reach..even though I wish I could reduce the suffering in which people bring apon themself for whatever reasons they choose..let go and let god..be still..and as difficult as this process has been for me.as my family issues are taking it's toll..It is not my problem..am I being selfish I ask myself maybe..but with my own wellness to consider
I must make that a high priority
I cannot medicate myself because you have a problem...reducing the outside stressors
has others thinking that I don't care..don't they get it Susan no longer is going to come running every time there is a problem.I am not going to let the drama of life to get me down..it is a dangerous place I have a choice today and I am not going there..Avoidance is a protective mode..I stand on guard

Bipolar 101: Bipolar Research Update April 9, 2009

Bipolar 101: Bipolar Research Update April 9, 2009

BPD in OKC: yet another meme

BPD in OKC: yet another meme

In the heat of the moment

In the heat of the moment..it is summer and I love the heat it is my favorite time of year.flowers,sunshine,people are all about,long walks in nature with the dogs,and of course the friskiness that summer seems to bring me..
I at any given moment have also deal with the emotional response to whatever comes my way each day..in the heat of the moment I am like an explosive watchdog that always responds in anger..Hot-tempered Scottish las..as my father would say.
This has always been a part of my character..a part that has and will serve me well
many others don't like the explosive nature and I have learned over time that it is best to stay away from people places and things in which make me raving mad..
for example line-ups at the grocery store..slow people..idiots..rudeness..however
this is always presented to me how can I be tested in such away..everyday the test is on have I really learned to do what it takes to keep my peace..in the stillness
I am calm..once I am approached by anything that's sets me off I am in the heat of the moment..there is no chance for rational thinking and really at that moment I am a
lunatic in high gear..fight or flight response I have never been the type to turn the other way..I face the adversity head on..like a bull in a china shop Mother would say.get out of my way,don't come and bother me cause today is not the day..
in the heat of the moment the impact of the wrath I have for you will be long lasting it will not disappear..especially if you have made it a point to piss me off
and there are people that want to steal your joy..Jealousy maybe..but what it really boils down to is they are miserable in there sad little minute lives with not a hope in hell..of ever getting out..well as for me the only thing I do know for sure is that is your problem not mine..I have choices today..my choice is the heat of the moment to enjoy it, face it and explode..it may scare you but remember one thing don't come and piss me off..and if it is your plan in your day..revenge is so sweet
I always have the last laugh in watching you self distruct...

Thankful

Today I practiced being thankful from the moment I woke up I said It is Thankful Thursday..I am thankful for my home so I cleaned it..I am thankful for my dogs so I walked them..I am thankful for the hard working men in my family so I cooked them a great meal..Guess what happened they where thankful too!and then my son was talking about being thankful so he passed it to his friends we can never be to thankful for we are blessed with so much even in times when all seems lost give thanks for the trials and tribulations cause your breakthrough is around the corner and in those times we learn so much about ourselves and others..Gratitude will change your attitude..I am most thankful for Me..I don't always give thanks for myself..Today I reclaimed the thankful heart and my mood reflected that..what do you have to be thankful for today share with others and see how it works simply AMAZING..

It is impossible to be grateful and depressed in the same moment..Charles Dickens

Just for today

It is Wednesday,yet another day in the life..but today it's quite and peaceful and the rain has not stopped..my favorite I love the sound of the rain on the windows and the cars splashing over as they speed by on the streets.it is about 4:00pm and I woke up from a pleasant sleep about an hour ago.My routine of sleep is messed up again but I am ok with it I know it will pass.however my level of functioning is also minimal I played with my dogs Lucy and Luke they are wonderful and loving
I wake up make dinner and that's about all I can muster..oh can't forget my on-line work
that really is something I can and will do.so could I be in a low-mood today more than certain I am.but with the daily rat race of life the calm and peace with minimal function today is just fine with me.If it is not ok with others and it seems I am a little lazy or down that is your perception mine is that just for today I am exactly where I am suppose to be at home with the rain on the streets,cars speeding by and the wonderful thing I call solitude what a great day!
the dogs look a little bored and I am done my writing so we will have a walk in the rain..I love to walk in the rain the dogs not so much..but we will see today.
So off on our walk we went the dogs wanted no part of it,I swear they think they are people and far too special to walk in the rain.I had to carry lucy my mini-dachshund
I am sure she did not want to ruin her pink outfit.We did about 15 minutes and they wanted to go home.Once we got home I went to Tim Horton's for my coffee.they must put something in it to keep drawing me back cause nothing else will do but Timmy
had dinner nothing special tonight sausage,vedgies,macoroni and cheese..I just had a little bit I don't feel to eat.My dishes are staring at me from inside the sink.
I don't feel like doing that neither but they are not going anywhere for the time being and neither am I.I am in the mood to blog and do my on-line work I'll end the evening with a movie.thats the end of the day
thanks dear reader
just for today

They call me crazy

They call me crazy according to the definitions,labels,mental health diagnosis...
now the best part..I believe them,I am officially a certified crazy person..and somehow I really like this prognosis..I can and will get away with just about anything and everything..which suits me fine.
You see I have really never gave a shit what other peoples perceptions are and quite frankly if your not for me, your against me.
Now really I don't have to go to far out my door in the big city of Toronto..to know that there are more severe cases,and somehow just knowing that others are far more crazy than I could ever dream of being, gives me a sense of satisfaction that blow this girls ego inflated..I am one of the lucky ones apparently luck yes I'll agree
I do have a lot of luck but as we both know that can come and go..
Sometimes it is on your side and sometimes it is not when it's not I certainly do get in a funk..I get down and that ugly D word comes to surface DEPRESSION..
so I sulk have my pity party..this usually starts when I get so angry and can't seem to take it out on those who would be deserving of that anger..Yikes then they would have to lock me up for sure..

That being said..I have many of my own thoughts on the fact that I am crazy and that this is a part of me that keeps me wanting more..when things get a little dull and boring I just sleep to pass it along anyways so I am going to enjoy the CRAZY part of my personality..like it or not I refuse to be chemically straight jacketed cause
according to the masses I am Bipolar with a mood disorder..I am not hurting you and if I do I did not intend to..toughen up

I love life and the wonderful gift of being a contributing factor..like it or not
that's my reason for being I am one of the lucky one's

A dream is your creative vision,for your life in the future..you must break down your comfort zone and become comfortable with the unfamiliar and unknown~Denis Waitly

What if the diagnosis is I AM

The search for a diagnosis.of what ails us emotionally,there has to be something wrong
we search out answers to the question what is wrong with me?
Soon enough after many attempts we are handed the answer..Diagnosis aah ok there we have it..the solution to the problem. NOT! we are still left with the inability to accept every part of our being the good the bad and the ugly..it's all emotional some of us just can't deal with our messed up childhoods,the hurt and the pain that comes from traumatic experiences and we are emotionally dwarfed as a result the reactions to such trauma in which are perceptions have led us to believe are to painful, poor me how could these injustices prevail in my life..then we perpetrate the pain and anguish for every day for the rest of our lives.in our daily life family and relationships work suffers cause we are still as a child seeing life in a very immature perspective.we want the attention we so rightly deserve cause we have never had it.we will make sure everyone in sight No's the suffering in which we did..thus permitting it every single day.no wonder we can't get passed it.we can't forget or forgive.we think we are not worthy of life.love and everything beautiful.the emotional pain.is to great even for the sufferer to understand? what if the Diagnosis is I am.this statement in itself is empowering I am because this is how it was to be.I am the way I am because this is ME..never mind that I am anything else but me..wow this simple Revelation I m me but for the grace given to me.staying in the suffering in which wants to dwell on is a safe place its the only place in which I feel at home.it a pattern of life in which I cannot change.it is so much easier to change the unchangeable the facts of I am me with all the personal experiences that come with Me.I can call it something else on any given day..mental illness, addiction,at some point there is awake up call
that tells me it is that way cause that is part of my life a part of me I must accept
I can choose each and everyday to stay there.and be there or make the choice of something better.I choose something better it will just take awhile for me to call it home.

Honestly Speaking

Honestly speaking...there is alot on my mind the rambling thoughts of Bipolar addiction anger,all rolled into one..I am human,feelings of being overwhelmed..by the simple little disasters that are created in my own head..It is my problem and my own doing stinking thinking..yes I can become so involved in my own destructive ways
my temper..it usually starts with something or someone has PISSED me off..when I get to 10 on a scale there is no chance for me to (((BREATH)) count to 10 or any of the other so called tools that are suggested for a raving maniac..yeah it sound good for you but in this girls wildly hot temper notta...
I have learned over time to isolate..
an effective tool for me a trigger for me is people avoid them and I am cool as a cucumber..except there is the telephone..another trigger I don't like to hear it ring and I certainly don't like that someone is calling me to bother me.they either want something,need something or just having a miserable f&&^^%&* day they need company..I know my attitude should be better but please when I want something I'll call you..that will be never come to be haha..

So being rational was never one of my qualities..problem-solver yes..my solution cut off the damn phones..If that is what it takes..for some well needed relief that is exactly what I will do rational maybe not but please leave me alone...when I ask you not to call..that means don't call don't they get it..aaahhh what insight into myself
they call it isolation and I just love it..peace and quite..serenity on my terms..that is what I call it not at the expence of others..if your going to yammer in my ear..with problems in which you want to find no solution then lose my number..or it will say this number is no longer in service hahaha I'll have the last laugh..I have a zero tolerance policy..no bullshit and if thats all you got..take it elsewhere..I have to deal with me that is difficult on my best days..this beast does not need to be provoked..and when I am happy there is always someone that wants to rain on my parade well enough already...
Taking on challenges is what I am doing that is a work in progress that I have to follow through on..or I'll never be as happy as I can be..life direction,goals,business and my terms with Gods Guidance..are the fruits
which will come to be..today

The High life

It has always been part of my character,Bipolar or not to live the high life,sometimes I do,then there are time I live in the dumps usually depends on my state of mind,how I am feeling and yes the most important how much DO RE ME (cash)
I have at my disposal,only to be realized with the fact money doesn't grow on trees for some,they work hard for there money well that has never been my case easy come,easy go. feast or famine for this girl..would I have it any other way of course not,I love the survival mode,the ability to make cash in when I need to,The feast is sure great when I am flying high,but when I am not then the big D rears it's ugly head that would be depression..Money,power and control floats me boat..there is no better feeling for me,security it not the main objective as when things are secure..
I really don't like it,I like the freedom to roam,change,be versatile it was not for the family I would have probably been a world traveller.but the roots where always home..the base in which I was secure,doesn't everyone need this? since I have many sources of loot I am very resourceful,always have been..just material things don't mean that much to me as they once did,yes don't get me wrong I love nice things,but I don't attach importance to them,as most people do..Assets are more important,at this stage of the game,first and foremost ME I am my most valuable asset.then what I own,not the bank owing but me,this is where the power lies as I think long term my investments have to be long-term AGE creeps up on us quickly,leaving behind for my family the results of my life,a reason for my life,the difference..I made to them
this is my ultimate goal...So do the math (9 grandkids) each will have ahead start..
by the difference I have made it's a big feat..I often wonder,will I reach that goal
I am very determined..regardless of the cost..

Open and Honest

Bipolar love
I meet so many incredible people with my work..I can tell you I take it very seriously,maybe to serious..there is a time for everything,right now humour comes about just after my flaming bull rage I had for two days why you ask? just because I think I need a change to change it really just part of the rapid-cycling bipolar,It has occured to me yesterday it is time to move,SO in a fit of rage which classify as bipolar moment or whatever I came to the conclusion I need a big house A million dollars OMG I don't have that much is the reality of it all.But I want it,doesn't really matter how I get it,My husband was kind enough to point out I was being unreasonable..well if I can't get it with him maybe we don't have similar interest was my reply,our relationship is in trouble as we don't communicate I have to yell at the top of my lungs for anyone to hear me!I want my house...so over the next few days I am in search of the new diggs,bigger better time to move on..in the meantime I have starting packing first my suitcase,as if I am going to Hawaii that would probably be just as good,a vacation but reality is I'd have to come back,I really don't care bout the obstacles I might face, anything is possible when your a raging bull and don't dare get in my way..I had to say that no about of medication is going to keep me in the complaint state drug me and ooohh everything is calm and good at who's experience mine screw that my happiness is of most importance my well- being,I will go to all lengths to get and be what I think I should have and be..NOTHING is going to stand in my way not even reality at this point why limit myself,if I am going to think,think BIG...Anger for me has always served me well in life it;s the fire under my ASS.I am pissed at the fact that I am 46 years old and still have yet to be where I want...Only I can make it happen,yes I know all about the journey and not the destination...but I want more than ever the destination aaahhhh I will be able to breath easier to prove my point to myself.close that chapter,and get on with it here I come destiny you have been waiting far to long for my participation HERE I AM all yours...and in the destiny the humour involved is part of the process,enjoy the ride..whheeww cause that part never did come easy,ENJOY