Mixed States

I have been in mixed states for months now nothing is relieving it,med changes,lifestyle changes, nothing seems to pull me from the darkness of mixed state it is depression and manic at the same time.My motivation to do anything is nil but my head has all these ideas and plans I could do.all these medications I am on make me very tired all I really want to do is sleep but at night I am very restless pacing the floors beneath me.I write to express myself as others would never understand cause they see you and you look fine but the feelings just don't disappear.
thanks for reading

Bipolar Manic Depression

I never liked the word depression,I call them low moods you know when you have it.
energy levels are low,everything seems dark and gloomy,you can cry at anything.
It can keep you in bed for hours even days.thoughts running through your brain how can I fix this,what is happening to me,all the things we should be doing but can't.
It use to come so easily to us.except now we are dealing with depression it is so much bigger than yourself.
Here are a few suggestions
See the doctor
Fill and take your prescription
Go for a walk no matter how hard it seems.just getting out of the house will lift your spirit even for a moment.
Take time to relax it is OK.
Do something that pampers yourself.
Read a book.
I find writing out my thoughts lets them out of my brain.
Mood monitor keep track of your mood cycles and take it to the doctor on your next visit.We can't remember one day to the next sometimes.
Mindful meditation I really did.t think this one would work but it does help.learn how to do it there are alot of resources on-line.
Get a support network friends, family,being alone and isolated is not good for someone who is depressed even though you just want to be left alone.
But most importantly be good to yourself and take it easy.
minimal stress will lessen the running thoughts.
Hope these suggestion help.
Leave a comment I appreciate them.

Genetics of Bipolar

Bipolar has a genetic component.It can be passed down through generations.
In my own family there are many of us that has now been diagnosed with Bipolar.I was the first which in a way.I feel blessed.I was able to do the research,I spent many hours resaerching the illness but more importantly the hours spent dealing with the illness,helping others within our group,informing family of symptoms and education and support available to them.I am sure it will make there journey less scary.to know they are not alone.Many I have known personally have suffered in silence and now are dead.My main point of advocacy is to be sure people talk about their illness and seek the professional help required to deal with the illness.We can't recover on our own.Bipolar is a life long illness but with treatment it is manageable
Daily life can be seen as a challenge but what doesn't break us makes us stronger.
Even in our times of self doubt,low self esteem something carries us.
higher power may you find it within yourself.
God bless please leave a comment thanks

Back to normal---- whatever that is.

I have feeling my old self. back to normal I could say whatever that is.
My normal is being able to function at a fast pace most call it mania.
It just makes me feel good shopping,spending, gambling all my favorite things to do.
Less sleep is required which suites me fine.I just wish the switches would give advance notice as to prepare for them.For example save more money for frivolous shopping sprees and gambling.The only thing good about not having the money is it keeps me in check and glued into my realities.
Good thing as the Dr will check me into reality as well Bipolar the illness has a symptom of acting out behaviors.such as listed above included are drinking,increased appetite,increased promiscuity,increased energy levels. I call it fun.
It can last a few days or weeks even months if not corrected by medications.
I'll enjoy the ride till my next visit.
Thanks for reading leave a comment I will respond.

The inner calm

The inner calm comes from a place of simplicity.Taking things easy,not being so hard on myself.trying to make everything perfect in a less than perfect world.
Slow down enjoy the moment rather than always being in my head with the rambling of my thoughts.It takes practice believe me.when a thought comes in I first write about them just to get it out.Then I go for a walk just the breeze on my face,the calm that natures beauty brings me.when I walk as though I am in a hurry I remind myslef to slow down,I say to hi to others stop and have a chat.Just the connection however brief makes like I accomplished something.Sometimes sure feeling of how is this adding up to anything come in,feelings of defeat,I look around and compare myself to others.
I feel like I don't measure up at times.I am where I am cause that is the way it is. It all really boils down to acceptance and my fight to accept my own reality.
I haven't written in a long while,because really who am I kidding I am not a writer even though I write but the whole purpose was to share my story and in hopes it helps someone struggling just like me.
Have a great day leave a comment!

Let's get real about Bipolar

Let's get real about bipolar.Bipolar is a Mental illness can also have physical and behavioral affects as well.In a time capsule that just will not give.Everything seems more difficult.
Relationships,energy levels up and down like a yo-yo out of control.
An appetite that can be big or small dependant on moods.This is hard on a girls figure to say the least.Then there are times when I can barley get out of bed never-mind turn over in it..always searching for the converter didn't I just have it.
Times like this are so peaceful when all I have are the thundering ideas that run amok in my brain.The midnight hours make it to exhausting to complete anything for the following day.Plan what? my days and life ahead.Gees I don't even know if I can make.Like a dog chases his own tale,returning to his own vomit.
Loud noises send us through the roof....I know count to ten and keep calm..really who has this much time.I am always in a hurry to get away..from...nothing.
It does get better,doesn't it?
thanks for reading Keep coming back and post comments I love them and you!

In for a ride

This Bipolar thing makes you hold on tight and go with the ride.Sometimes when we let it get out of control,there is nothing to hold on too.
It has been over a month,I am back on meds.It seems days are calmer and I wake up thinking life is not so bad after all.The previous manic episode had me bewildered.
Still making me question,what happened?
Wasn't I doing all the right things to keep Bipolar at bay.
Bipolar isn't something we can control.The illness rears its ugly head,in moods,episodes,acting out behaviours.keeping everything in checks and balances can make the strongest of characters thin and weary.
I am looking better and feeling better.fewer outbursts and episodes that is something that only meds can do.
I accept that.
Just an update,How are you doing?

Bipolar Personality

I am beginning to think...Yes that is right Bipolar love to over think.Isn't that what meds are for?
Bipolar personality,I was created this way.To deal with the madness of the world and the people in it.
Today started off with a knock at the door my daughter came to visit,which is always nice.Headed out to do some errands,I was quickly reminded that the girl who was suppose to be serving me.the customer.That would be me. Apparently the young girl thought she was at a social event,kept talking with her co-workers.I was standing there,in non air-conditioning waiting and waiting as she turned to talk for the third time,the bipolar came out.I did say to her I want service she told me to wait.I can tell you the bipolar went into crazy mode,asked for her name.then she proceeded to argue with me.I insisted I was not there to chit chat with her.and get to the task at hand.I was fuming mad. She said have a nice day.I plan on it Bitch,as for you,you will have to feed your five kids on 10.00 an hour.
The rest of the afternoon,I was at the beach with my daughter,grandson and the dogs.
We walked,talked and played as well as worked on our tans.
This calm and quite is beneficial,at my age.
Then I was getting the bus home,after a night out.I was standing at the front as the young TTC driver was approaching the bus stop.He said to me ring the bell.
as he misses my stop. I am one of two people on the bus.what did he not see me?
Really he just wanted to be rude.I am mean..when people are rude.
Geez come on the customer want service and this does not include lip service.
If your going to dish it out.Please be ready to deal with this Bipolar personality.
Thanks for reading Comments are appreciated!

Happy Birthday Baby Boy..Oh my your 31

Happy Birthday to my baby boy,my one and only son.
The gift of life...Today I got up early,I've been thinking of you since yesterday gone by.Thinking of your truimphs and limits each you face with a cool calm.
with a humor that is not easy to explain.your funny smirk and qurky way.
I have seen you comfort others in despair,forgiving the unforgivable in my books.
I see the way your children light up when you enter the room.
watching them takes me back to your youth.They are so much like you.
The day you where put in my arms I knew what love was.31 years later the unconditional love a mother has for her son.is well beautiful.
Thanks for being a wonderful son and brother and father.
adding more than I could ever give..To your gift of life.
Have a great day..Birthday Boy~

News of the day.

I was watching the news. CP24 I was disturbed to hear That the OSPA is euthanizing 300 or more dogs..they have all contacted ringworm as well as staff.
The apparent outbreak of this viral bacteria seems to have dogs at deaths door.The very institute that is monitored by government and funded by tax dollars and donations.There primary purpose is protect dogs. I was checking there website which states they protect dogs from animal cruelty.
I had to take my dogs for a walk.usually we stop and play ball and Frisbee on the school grounds as the grass area is great for the dogs. We were interrupted by a security guard that said no dogs on school property.I turned and walk away He said.Thank-you Mam.I was walking past some teens that where smoking.Shouldn't the security guard be more concerned about the students,smoking.
Maybe they have changed their policy on that.
If a hospital had an outbreak of Sars and H1N1 or Aids do they kill off the people.
Ringworm is treatable.When the first dog got ringworm they should have been kept from the others dogs surfaces sterilized who monitors dogs health & safety.
These dogs could have been fostered out or adopted due to the health crisis.

Slow me down give me a cocktail

Good-Morning Dearest Reader...
It has been 3 weeks of my medications.The Doctor said how can I treat you if you don't take your meds? I wonder with all his knowledge does he consider what effects the meds have on me. After a 3 week manic phase which I love.The meds have slowed me down,finally.
But really who needs to slow down?
Taking time out from the hectic pace of life.I continue to sleep,my sleep pattern seems more regular with afternoon naps included.
It is 9am,I feel refreshed and ready for a new week.
The bordom of the slow down has me thinking about the concept of a real job..The part I miss most is the business,the interaction with others,using my talents.
Just getting to shine,in what I love to do..That is making money,afterall we need it to live.
Indulging in most of my bad habits...Leaves me wanting more.
I know that slowing me down is ultimately better as well as calmer.What is the hurry?
It has been 8 months working on my writing..Ultimately writing a book.
and with my earning I would buy my house.That the goal.
I guess the slow down will help me to focus and continue to write.
Does anyone read this stuff? The questions and doubts linger in my head..The dread of what the possible outcome will be?
Fido cut my cell phone..for non-payment. Geez I don't answer the phone anyway.
Is it really a necessity? paying bills..increasing cost may look good to others.
But with the economic slow down cutting costs looks better to me!
Now if I could make saving as fun as spending..I am making progress.
Have a great day..Keep coming back.
Post a comment while your here,Thanks
Susan.

Today my daughters birthday

Today is my daughters bithday,she is 29.
It is hard to believe the time has passed so quickly.
I remember many special moments that make me proud being her mother.she was actually a mothers day gift.We usually celebrate together.
Mother and Daughter...
This blog is dedicated to her life,as a daughter and a Mother
She has always been beautiful and smart.her calm character a welcome calm to the family.Her ability to speak in debates and encourage others through her own experience..teaching others that including myself that we can't always react to circumstance.
She is kind as a daughter and sister.
I have so many fond memories many of which make me laugh as I write this.
Her abilty to take a bad situation and make it right.
Her search for her purpose spiritually,her growing walk with God.
My daughter has 4 beautiful children,she is dedicated,nurturing and so loving to them.
To see her as a busy mother teaching the kids,taking them to sports,encouraging them in there talents and education.
Shows me as I celebrate her as a daughter and Mother,what especially delights me is watching her as a women.
But always seeing the child within.
Love you my sweet daughter..Many more memories and birthdays
Leave a comment..Thanks for reading

Women and housework

Ok here it is for the ladies.Housework is a never ending battle.Just more to do while your busy working and raising children.
Housework in my view just gives women something to do.When your an older woman,you dust,vacuum,make a mess..so there is simply something to do.Looking busy and being busy are two completely different things.
Here are a few suggestions:
1)Hire a housekeeper-this will free up valuable time for you to indulge in what is really important.
2}Get everyone in the household to pitch in.delegate this way your not a doormat or a household slave.when money is tight
3)Every day do something to tackle the mess.
4)Keep visitors to a minimum.
5)Use paper plates and cups to cut down the dishes..invest in a good dishwasher.
6)Don't keep dishes piled up in the sink.
7)Don't procrastinate while you can do it today.
8)Enjoy each others company and take time for yourself the mess is not going anywhere.
9)Communication,family time.
10) above all else get out of the house.that way you change the focus.


Suggestions for older women
1) This is a great opportunity to full fill career aspirations.goals,relationships.
2) Hobbies,interact with others socially.
3) Ladies night out/in
4) Date nights with spouse/boyfriends
5) Downsize/simplify wants and needs.
6) Pets are great companions
7) Pamper yourself
8) Go shopping
9) Take care of your health exercise/diet
10)Be happy and smile when you wake up in the morning.

Moods and Money

Moods and Money seem to go hand in hand.Low moods when I don't have mad money to spend.High Moods when I can blow lots of money on all the behaviors,I love so much.
I have been wondering why saving money is not as much fun as spending it.
With the downturn in the economy,the mere fact of stretching a buck..does not appeal to me.but in lean times one must consider that tomorrow does come.Just like bills keep rolling in.Even with cutting back on monthly expenses,the abundance of money just isn't there.This also takes from my confidence that I normally appreciate,replaced with humble pie.
Moods are affected by money certainly they do have meds for that.
Just a few words today..even words don't flow when the cash isn't flowing.
How does money affect your mood.Post a comment.

Am I Bipolar?

Am I Bipolar,are you asking a question.
The probable yes statement is something you probably already are aware of.
Yet for some reason you don't want to admit it or seek help for fear of stigma and what others would think of you.
Rest assured there is not a normal soul in the world,all have there own dirty little secrets that others who in front of your face are kind and loving.Yet behind your back have nothing better to do with there life than to discuss your personal life.
This would normally send anyone into a bipolar frenzy.However I do understand its value and worth.It really means nothing what others think of you.Sure they can think they are better off than you but really who cares.What suits you may not suit me.The fact that you need some help along the way is nothing to be embarrassed about.
Just remember in asking for help the professionals are best suited.
People may think they know how you feel and what your going through.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Bipolar is an illness.The sooner treatment is started the better chance of recovery.
I'm just saying Thanks for reading and post a comment.

Mood Masking

In recovery we put on a brave face..making sure everyone thinks we are either stable.
or at least in between episodes.Bipolar is a roller coaster ride.That has no ending as this is a life long illness.
Mood masking comes in many forms,medications,alcohol and drugs.Behaviors that come at a change of mood.
Masking the moods of Bipolar are an attempt of covering what we are actually feeling.
Emotions can get in our way.We get angry outburst.We get overly passionate about an idea or creative or financial endeavor.We get consumed by the news of the day.
Overwhelmed by crowds and deadlines.
Sad by loss or are inability to do what once was second nature.
Masking the moods so others don't feel burdened by our illness.We can often push others away especially our loved ones.We can't bare to hurt them.
Moods of Bipolar come and go.The drinking and drugs may seem to mask the confusion.
Only to perpetrate and enhance mood swings.
Feeling have to be dealt with as they come.
Relapse will occur through the life span and duration of Bipolar illness.
The masking of moods in itself is challenging and tiresome.
Putting on a happy face,when we are depressed.
Controlling a manic episode when we are out of control.
Getting out of bed..when all we want is sleep.
Being strong..when we are weak.Being kind when we are indifferent.
Each episode of a Bipolar mood.Becomes stronger and longer.
We hide..We lie..
One thing I have learned is Moods change.......
Thanks for reading post a comment.

Is it going to happen?

This dullness,the absolutely hum drum of my today.I got up early.Pickering flea market was the first stop,after getting a Tim Horton's coffee.
The gambling part of my life is not profitable at the moment.It really makes me miserable.Not only while I am playing,but a win of 200.00 isn't money in my books.
It has been 6 months since I won anything substantial.Maybe it is not about winning or playing a game,that has been my claim to fame.
Money has always been a major motivator for me.I have not been motivated,nothing surprises me these days.The excitement of doing something new and different.At my age
there has to be something I haven't tried or done.
Is there?
Recreating the character,while maintaining the act.
The day is dull,the sun doesn't shine everyday.
I need writing material,work that can satisfy my hunger of expression.
The words more often than not..fall short.
I imagine everything I don't and can't have.
Saving money isn't as much fun as spending it.
I have to make a game of that.It is a game of numbers.
The one wih the most numbers wins.
I'll win and some lose.
That all for now.
Keep coming back.

The calm within

The calm within is a welcomed mood.Low mood maybe,following the high cycle which I was on for 2 months.
I still have to fill a precription that was given to me a month ago.
I really hesitate when it comes to meds,as I know certainly my moods and outcomes.
but with medications I can have unexpected side-effects,push to mania.
This sense of calm is wonderful.I am taking care of myself feeling somewhat settled.
This morning I had an hour walk,an hour massage,chiropractic treatment.My benefits are there to use, and I normally don't,

My spending was our of control due to the high mood of mania.Today I don't want to spend.
I really need to take into account that money doesn't grow on trees.That my generousity is not necessary.
Watching others live within there means and so minimally has given me a new prospective on my finances.

The calmness is mostly low mood I am sure..I will fill the precription today.
Have a great day! Leave a comment Thanks

Parks and Trails

I started the day making appointments for chiropractor & massage,my body needs a tune-up of sorts.I enjoyed a 3 hour walk in the parks and trails of Malvern.
Each day I take a new direction when I am walking,I see things that normally I would just pass by when driving.I saw a man playing soccor with his kids. When I see a father playing with his children it warms my heart,and makes me smile.The kids looked like they where having fun too.

The park,by the public school had Memory to a child A Place of Rest. Inscripted in copper.
It was located just beneath the maple tree.

Then people, place and things....Rambling in quick & quite sequence through the meditation and mindful observance as well as a few regrets.

The dogs did some obdience training. Can`t people be like dogs so loyal,kind and loving.Even in the dog community you immediatly know one limitations as well has dominance Correction results into submission.

Music also plays in the park.I always loved the parks they bring a sense of solitude, a oneness with the nature and spirit.

In Celebration Of Earth day..When for one hour we are without light or indusry
I will be sitting at the board walk looking at the beauty of the lake and those that admire natures beauty..

One would have to equate the nature of people. All I can say is we certainly can learn a thing or two from what is nature. Human Nature.That is....

Name one element of nature,decribe the feeling at that moment.
Engage your five senses..If you can name them all.

Leave a comment....I appreciate your admiration and loyality

OK so I am not there yet?

Ok so I am not there yet? Where? I want to be, in the comfort of my purchased home.
In the mean time I am stopping at nothing.Sure I have been sidetracked,but nothing is going to hold me back.
Listen to every word I say! Not what your perceptions bring to mind.
Really some people got to win and some got to loose.
I woke up to a nasty voicemail. My not so loving daughter left it.
Sure: My reaction was utter hate,set me off to anyone or anything in the moment.
People call me,contact me,with hatred for there lives,I love my life.
Some people hate themselves,I love myself.
I don't need you,really do I even like you?
The point I am making is my days go beyond your perception or your level of comprehension.
Your where your at,cause really that is where you have chosen to be.
Good thing I have choices and I make them.
I may not be what you think or want me to be.
That is not any ones else decision and if your to busy wondering what I am up to or doing?
I am not there yet!
Susan post a comment thanks for reading.