What if the diagnosis is I AM

The search for a diagnosis.of what ails us emotionally,there has to be something wrong
we search out answers to the question what is wrong with me?
Soon enough after many attempts we are handed the answer..Diagnosis aah ok there we have it..the solution to the problem. NOT! we are still left with the inability to accept every part of our being the good the bad and the ugly..it's all emotional some of us just can't deal with our messed up childhoods,the hurt and the pain that comes from traumatic experiences and we are emotionally dwarfed as a result the reactions to such trauma in which are perceptions have led us to believe are to painful, poor me how could these injustices prevail in my life..then we perpetrate the pain and anguish for every day for the rest of our lives.in our daily life family and relationships work suffers cause we are still as a child seeing life in a very immature perspective.we want the attention we so rightly deserve cause we have never had it.we will make sure everyone in sight No's the suffering in which we did..thus permitting it every single day.no wonder we can't get passed it.we can't forget or forgive.we think we are not worthy of life.love and everything beautiful.the emotional pain.is to great even for the sufferer to understand? what if the Diagnosis is I am.this statement in itself is empowering I am because this is how it was to be.I am the way I am because this is ME..never mind that I am anything else but me..wow this simple Revelation I m me but for the grace given to me.staying in the suffering in which wants to dwell on is a safe place its the only place in which I feel at home.it a pattern of life in which I cannot change.it is so much easier to change the unchangeable the facts of I am me with all the personal experiences that come with Me.I can call it something else on any given day..mental illness, addiction,at some point there is awake up call
that tells me it is that way cause that is part of my life a part of me I must accept
I can choose each and everyday to stay there.and be there or make the choice of something better.I choose something better it will just take awhile for me to call it home.

Honestly Speaking

Honestly speaking...there is alot on my mind the rambling thoughts of Bipolar addiction anger,all rolled into one..I am human,feelings of being overwhelmed..by the simple little disasters that are created in my own head..It is my problem and my own doing stinking thinking..yes I can become so involved in my own destructive ways
my temper..it usually starts with something or someone has PISSED me off..when I get to 10 on a scale there is no chance for me to (((BREATH)) count to 10 or any of the other so called tools that are suggested for a raving maniac..yeah it sound good for you but in this girls wildly hot temper notta...
I have learned over time to isolate..
an effective tool for me a trigger for me is people avoid them and I am cool as a cucumber..except there is the telephone..another trigger I don't like to hear it ring and I certainly don't like that someone is calling me to bother me.they either want something,need something or just having a miserable f&&^^%&* day they need company..I know my attitude should be better but please when I want something I'll call you..that will be never come to be haha..

So being rational was never one of my qualities..problem-solver yes..my solution cut off the damn phones..If that is what it takes..for some well needed relief that is exactly what I will do rational maybe not but please leave me alone...when I ask you not to call..that means don't call don't they get it..aaahhh what insight into myself
they call it isolation and I just love it..peace and quite..serenity on my terms..that is what I call it not at the expence of others..if your going to yammer in my ear..with problems in which you want to find no solution then lose my number..or it will say this number is no longer in service hahaha I'll have the last laugh..I have a zero tolerance policy..no bullshit and if thats all you got..take it elsewhere..I have to deal with me that is difficult on my best days..this beast does not need to be provoked..and when I am happy there is always someone that wants to rain on my parade well enough already...
Taking on challenges is what I am doing that is a work in progress that I have to follow through on..or I'll never be as happy as I can be..life direction,goals,business and my terms with Gods Guidance..are the fruits
which will come to be..today

The High life

It has always been part of my character,Bipolar or not to live the high life,sometimes I do,then there are time I live in the dumps usually depends on my state of mind,how I am feeling and yes the most important how much DO RE ME (cash)
I have at my disposal,only to be realized with the fact money doesn't grow on trees for some,they work hard for there money well that has never been my case easy come,easy go. feast or famine for this girl..would I have it any other way of course not,I love the survival mode,the ability to make cash in when I need to,The feast is sure great when I am flying high,but when I am not then the big D rears it's ugly head that would be depression..Money,power and control floats me boat..there is no better feeling for me,security it not the main objective as when things are secure..
I really don't like it,I like the freedom to roam,change,be versatile it was not for the family I would have probably been a world traveller.but the roots where always home..the base in which I was secure,doesn't everyone need this? since I have many sources of loot I am very resourceful,always have been..just material things don't mean that much to me as they once did,yes don't get me wrong I love nice things,but I don't attach importance to them,as most people do..Assets are more important,at this stage of the game,first and foremost ME I am my most valuable asset.then what I own,not the bank owing but me,this is where the power lies as I think long term my investments have to be long-term AGE creeps up on us quickly,leaving behind for my family the results of my life,a reason for my life,the difference..I made to them
this is my ultimate goal...So do the math (9 grandkids) each will have ahead start..
by the difference I have made it's a big feat..I often wonder,will I reach that goal
I am very determined..regardless of the cost..

Open and Honest

Bipolar love
I meet so many incredible people with my work..I can tell you I take it very seriously,maybe to serious..there is a time for everything,right now humour comes about just after my flaming bull rage I had for two days why you ask? just because I think I need a change to change it really just part of the rapid-cycling bipolar,It has occured to me yesterday it is time to move,SO in a fit of rage which classify as bipolar moment or whatever I came to the conclusion I need a big house A million dollars OMG I don't have that much is the reality of it all.But I want it,doesn't really matter how I get it,My husband was kind enough to point out I was being unreasonable..well if I can't get it with him maybe we don't have similar interest was my reply,our relationship is in trouble as we don't communicate I have to yell at the top of my lungs for anyone to hear me!I want my house...so over the next few days I am in search of the new diggs,bigger better time to move on..in the meantime I have starting packing first my suitcase,as if I am going to Hawaii that would probably be just as good,a vacation but reality is I'd have to come back,I really don't care bout the obstacles I might face, anything is possible when your a raging bull and don't dare get in my way..I had to say that no about of medication is going to keep me in the complaint state drug me and ooohh everything is calm and good at who's experience mine screw that my happiness is of most importance my well- being,I will go to all lengths to get and be what I think I should have and be..NOTHING is going to stand in my way not even reality at this point why limit myself,if I am going to think,think BIG...Anger for me has always served me well in life it;s the fire under my ASS.I am pissed at the fact that I am 46 years old and still have yet to be where I want...Only I can make it happen,yes I know all about the journey and not the destination...but I want more than ever the destination aaahhhh I will be able to breath easier to prove my point to myself.close that chapter,and get on with it here I come destiny you have been waiting far to long for my participation HERE I AM all yours...and in the destiny the humour involved is part of the process,enjoy the ride..whheeww cause that part never did come easy,ENJOY

Changing perceptions from illness to wellness

Ok why should I even care you ask? Perceptions one's view of Mental Illness and Addiction.
if you can keep an open mind,I share mine with you and for those that know me I am frank and at time abrupt,not only are these issue damaging to your life and come as a thief in the night and steal many years of precious life.but if one only knew what damage it causes long term one doesn't really think about the consequences of having a few drinks,or a few more do they add that up over a daily period add some drugs,over the years with neglect of body and soul,something is bound to snap it can manifest physically or mentally.
Broken families,relationships, can be a direct response from these breakdowns.
When emotions have no way to communicate the feeling they stay stay within. leading to resentments, anger,depression,fear,anxiety,distrust,
humans are not wired this way behavioral acting out becomes a way to deal with the issues, there has to be some relief as there are no tools to do so.we work with what we have and for some it's not much..

I myself have seen the Doctors office at a time when nothing seemed right,diagnosed rapid-cycling Bipolar,the symptoms have worsened than 12 years before, for I had ignored care
although I had lived as a high function person during that time 2 businesses, a mother of 3
a mortgage,a life

Immediately put on meds to stabilize after 2 yrs of compliance and terrible side-effects the doctor said I was med resistant thanks be to God.
You see as smart as I am,I also thought the doctor was smarter he has his PHD

the focus is on wellness not illness,ability not disability to be at ease with my limitation's not to strive for perfectionism.not remaining diseased it the recovery process not stagnant in misery
its about gaining energy,to have a choice,to be alive and feel it.

In doing this and sharing my story,strength and hope that those that still suffer will recover.
Onde day at a time.

Together we can

Out of the shadows

If a client is depressed and upset because his life is narrowly constricted his medication is increased,if he is fearfulof a landlord or unable to sleep,his medication is increased.
If poverty leaves him hungry and restless his medication is increased and if he has enough life in his body to be angry the dosage will ensure that his anger is forgotten~Pat Capponi

My research into Mental Illness

I am sure it's just the tip of the ice burg and the more I dig my findings are well amazing!!
It's a process willing unfolds as it may revealing to myself and to you what are we able to accept
or continue to deny.the truth,the facts,the mystery and oh yes the misery of the people that suffer and their families.
Mental health illness and I will include addiction as they seem to go hand in hand.many wish to deny this fact for several reasons guilt fear or just that there not ready to admit defeat or powerlessness over there addictions which has ruined them and there families the cycle continues for generations

Since 1966 Psychiatry had 44 mental illness it now has 174 according to the DIMS and growing
there is no scientific evidence of such illnesses,merely a doctors opinion.
Psychiatrist and Big Pharma work hand in hand a marriage made in heaven,330 billion dollars
a year just on the top five anti-psychotic drugs alone booming business.
with side-effects that are severe to the patient,including diabetes,heart failure,suicide,liver damage,
50% are still not determined.

A tale of deception difficult to believe,fatal to ignore

This is an exert from my findings

If Psychiatric treatments were effective and relieved symptoms,we would not have the crisis
we have in our health care system,People would love their meds.

Forced Psychiatry exists because people often do not feel better or loathe drugs and their damaging side-effects

Just once treat a patient against her will and if you don't alleviate suffering you have lost that persons trust and intensified that persons fear forever this is a vital issue. for patients and ex patients.many are terrified of the Mental Health System~Rob Wipod

It is very common for people with mental illness to be over medicated

Some days I'll call them low moods

I call them low moods,as I just don't like the word Depression I can't believe I even wrote it it just urks me it implies no hope and I am a very optimistic person usually. Bipolars do have depression and on my day of low moods they have in my life lasted days weeks and months.

I am now fully aware of what makes up my low moods.but when when I first started having them I had no clue.just that I was no longer functioning, no interest in anything, sleeping sometimes 1o-15 hours a day everyday and still no energy, feelings of being overwhelmed by what I don't know as I was always asleep but during my times I was awake the thinking of despair would not go way.thoughts like what's happening to me? I can't even take care of myself any more? how am I going to manage my life? what will become of me.normally I am high functioning and multitasking but during these times I am not able to do very much.
I became more and more isolated I didn't want people to see me like this.I didn't feel good and it showed in my face and my appearence.my confidence was stripped from me completely.
I have since learn alot about the illness and ways that I can improve my quality of life and have had great success.
I do have the odd day when the D word come to the surface and rears its ugly head.but now I know its a dangerous place for me to entertain.I can't go there or stay there.
I would joke with the doctor just give me a some-thing some-thing so I can snap out of it.
it's a dark lonely place.with no end in sight.but I am here to tell you my friends it does end as all things do.
I have to take my well-being into account and do all the things I can to feel good and be good
and on the low mood days like today I started the day off right prayer/meditation my i hour walk,,water, veggies aah I see there is no sunshine today see the sun doesn't shine everyday my friends.