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Toronto, Ontario, Canada
This Blog is not for the faint of heart,my direct approach is to address the importance of lifestyle choices.. education and awareness.the story will unfold Midnight matters ..days just slip away..and nights get longer writing has been a passion of mine now I share it with my audience. sharing my stength.hope,faith Everything in between Thanks for visiting come back soon!


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Monday, March 8, 2010

Homelessness An inside look

If you have been following the blog, my faith journey into bipolar madness.
took me on the road into homelessness,I have been living at hotels,friends & family,
then a shelter.I had a few of my well intentioned friends tell me I can't afford this lifestyle.This doubter listened and after my hospital stint,I was discharged to a homeless shelter.First I ended up at one in the west-end, dinner was being served as the women lined up ,my dearest friend of 15 yrs worked there who is also the mother of my daughter's friend.I left as the embarrassment of what others would think was intolerable to me.
I made a few calls to the local homeless shelters,a list had been provided to me at the hospital.

Day 1 at the shelter, my observations.
Women ranging from young to old,trans genders.some wild some calm.
two-three women occupied a small room with lockers,beds,a dresser,a side table.
three levels of stairs that seemed overwhelming when carry all my bags.I really put a new meaning to bag lady.a washroom with stall like showers.T.V lounge equipped with flat screen T.V's and chairs scattered the large room.
Balconies that would have seating for the smokers.,the ashtray a can filled with butts.
A dining room which fed the city workers better than the homeless women.
Some days one would choose not to eat in the dining room with outbreaks of stomach flu.
Everyone in the shelter kept to themselves,it is an unwritten rule.
Upon entering the shelter there is an intake process,showers and all laundry must be done.
medications are locked up.distributed different times throughout the day.Curfew was 3:00 am.

Good thing for me was I fit right in,with the personality I have people were either scared of me,or open to my inquiries.
I am always on the look out for subject matter for my writings.
Now that I look back I am able to see why I couldn't sleep.
The ere sound of doors slamming,as to add volume echoes of the past.
A knock on the door startled me.I said hello?
The voice said,why are you making so much noise in there.I laid upon my bed the silence of the darkest night.I responded if you can hear me think than yes I am making noise.She said go to sleep.I couldn't help but think was someone really there?
I jumped from my bed,the irons gave way.No one could be seen,but her eminence left behind.
I slammed the door,just like I heard for the next 10 minutes,doors slamming,I stood in the hall leaning against the wall,the doors remained closed and the sounds left Sleep was a distant hope.
I was moved with emotion,first shock then panic.tears filled my eyes I began to hyper-ventilate.
Then I went for a smoke to calm my nerves,as well as nightly meds did the trick.
Jane was in her 50's a beauty in delicate terms her frail appearance,bulked by the coats she wore, we talked before as I really loved her coat.It was a white feather duvet that had a hole to fit her head through,she had hand stitched a brown pashmina to add to it's flare.

Jane offered me a few cigarettes,as I was running low.this doesn't usually happen people don't give there smokes away.she also asked me if a MacDonald's card would help.It was for 5:00 worth of food,her sheer kindness giving from nothing,seemed odd to me.Jane had told me her situation it was a way of survival,much like the way rats survive.not like a pampered housewife,her only decision in life was what she was going to change the color of her nail polish.It immediately hit me.I was pampered as I had been thinking about my nails all day.

I sat the good part of the early morning in the
donut shop,in my fluffy purple pajama's reading the newspaper,my glasses kept sliding off my nose into my search of apartments.I ate my breakfast as a gift from a friend.
With inadequate sleep,side-effects from the medications,made it seem all to daunting and confusing.
I began to walk,the wondering of up to 10hrs daily,an escape from the truth of what homelessness entails.
My quest for truth,was about to hit me in the face.I was sitting outside CAMH,a centre for Mental health and Addictions located on college st.approached by a few guys asking for a smoke.I gave two,from my newly opened pack.
One guy introduced himself as the new candidate for mayor,he had a mishap at the Scott mission and was waiting for the police.He was dressed the part suit & tie with a smile that made me unsure.
Then another guy was about to leave,I asked him to stay.His name was Oscar.he was well spoken,his appearance was a little scruffy,he was carrying a nap sac.I asked him what he does? He said he was homeless.
I laughed and said so am I.I am living at a women's shelter.Oscar and I spent the day together he introduced me to his friends some had addictions,some where alcoholics.
He told them I was a writer they gave me some good stuff.I am just checking in to see what condition,my condition was in.~Kenny Rogers
The part that stood out for me was these guys are funny,and articulate,but homeless
Oscar told me what his routine was daily,he got up around 7am,had breakfast,picked up cigarette buts,pan handled,went to the library,while we where at the library I helped him with confidence and a job search.all he really wished for was a job.
Oscar had said.he had been homeless for 30 yrs,although he came from a good well established family,they still remain in contact.
He really never considered the mental health aspect,of addictions.
as we where walking,it hit me after listening to this guy,homelessness was not an option of most it was a way of life.How dare I take this life as an experiment,how self imposed I was to come into this click of people that had so willingly taken me under there care,on the streets.
It felt like a slap on the face,I didn't need to be there.I was there.

Tim Horton's was a welcomed break from the bitter cold and rain.Even with the biggest of egos thinking I was coaching Oscar in a better direction.It was him in his modest way that taught me the value,of compassion & humility
That we are at home within.that spiritually I had work to do.His job was done for the day ministering to my broken spirit.we parted ways after a stop in a store,I had to get my granddaughter a birthday gift.we shared some laughs.He was going to the church for dinner.

I left the experience for a comfortable hotel suite.
My job was done,never take my life for granted.
looking at others in judgement was not my place.

Arnold did a list of pros vs cons of homelessness

Opportunity to spend time on my writings
homelessness provides space.
cuts costs
homelessness is a war within ones mind
Surrender to it.
having an open mind to opportunity throughout the day.

who am I trying to impress?
I'm building this house in Toronto for me to live in.
where I am most comfortable.

Arnold's biggest question Why do I constantly accept homelessness as an answer or a means to an end?
where does this lead?

Thanks for reading share a comment,since your here!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Bipolar A living example.

Living wih Bipolar,A living example.
Many Bipolars are dead as a result of suicide,drug overdoses.
Others are in hospitals,jails,institutions.
Sometimes I complain,and worry,but really I have to think most times how lucky am I.
To have an illness, I can live with.
It makes me think of the many people with Mental health and Addictions that are not living.
I have choices,unlike most.
I have freedom unlike most.
The freedom to choose, living a life with Bipolar.
Certainly,it is not conventional.
Surely it seems odd to most.
When we compare our life to others,we don`t see the struggles and triumphs.
Most are to ashamed to share this intimate part of their lives.
Until they have arrived at the goal of all that glitters.
or when they die their lives are somehow,glorified in our hearts.
The sheer nervousness in the pit of my stomach tells me,I am on the right track.
This journey of faith,living with Bipolar.
Thanks for reading and stopping by.
leave your comments I appreciate them.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Bipolar tips on keeping a man

Saturday is my 8th wedding anniversary.Considering I never thought I would be married.I loved being single.
I got married to someone who is patient,kind,generous,good-looking,funny,and he loves me,stands with me every step of the bipolar experience.Thank-you.

Here are a few tips to keep a man.

1) Keep it interesting,this works as bipolar don't even know what they are doing next,most of the time.

2) Mood swings seem to keep them on there toes,happy, sad,outgoing,introverted,sexy and crazy.Unpredictable moods swings work best.

3) Make sure he has a good source of income,this will help in the manic spending sprees.

4) A sense of humour helps, bipolar can make the simplest things complicated.
laughter will lighten the load.

5) Speaking of loads, bipolar hate housework during depressive state,while a world wind cleaning spell will look like we are moving again,or your leaving him.

6) Call him at work,sounds desperate.But he will come home directly with no diversions.

7) Make sure he drives,this will help him to deliver all your wants and needs.

8) Get a dog,this will keep him busy..while your wondering the streets.

9) Make sure his sleeping pattern is different than yours Bipolar up all night,this is when he gets to sleep.Sometimes

10)Make sure he doesn't drink or do drugs,cause living with bipolar there is not enough for two.

Consistent effort required on their part will ensure a happy man & marriage.

Please leave a comment thanks for dropping by!
Susan xo

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

News Alert of the Day

News alert of the day.Women sue Doctor for cutting off their tits...Oops they made a mistake? Where in the hell did they put those boobies brains, Anyways? Those damn Doctors.
Trusted friends,who needs enemies.
Now,I heard this after I checked out the side effects from the medication they gave me during my stay in hospital.I heard voices shit.could the Doctor that prescribed them to me,just uummm
mention it in her voice instead of the ones in my head.Geez it scared the gebbies out of me.
No wonder bipolar meds scared me straight before..now again.
They make mistakes,I am not a scientific experiment.
Please share any mishaps with your Doctor.
Thanks for dropping by.

Mental Health.A slippery slope.

Mental health,A slippery slope.
Intially one goes to the doctor with complaints of distress,crisis.Moods that seem disturbing,that one can't seem to shake.
We turn to the trusted professionals to ease our worry.
We are given a bag of mixed up pills and emotions.
We put our minds to rest that we will indeed be guided through diagnosis,with a treatment plan.
There is no mention of possible side-effects from these medications,the follow-up
is to increase or decrease add or take away.The pain.
Once initiated into the Mental Health system,The road to recovery seems no where in sight.
The information is documented,remaining a open file.
I can tell you with my experience what I share can and will be used against you.
Mental health diagnosis takes away ones rights and independance.
Soley relying apon a system that favors practioners rather than the ill.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Who's life is it anyways?

This is my life,bipolar and all.
Who's life is it anyways? MINE.
At 46 yrs of age I can and will make decisions which suit me.
Not what is going to make you seem justified&happy in your so called existence.
I know dealing with life on life's terms can be challenging,but we are given a hand of cards.and in the game keep your cards close to your chest,and a poker face.
If I was a movie star,or a celebrity I could put it all out there.
As this would enhance my character and popularity.
However I am I far from average,Bipolar is an illness.I get that!
Certainly in episodes,either depressive or manic one does do some bizarre things.
It is a part of who we are.
Honestly,for me your only as sick as your secrets.
I have none,I put it out to the universe,take it or leave it.
I was pondering a 20,000 sq ft rehab clinic that was for lease.It was previously the Board of trade centre,overlooking a golf course.
When Ruth returned my call for the inquiring for the leased building,she kindly said.
A rehab centre,would not be suitable for this location.
I was thinking that with taxpayers dollars,would be better served to open a facility.
A place that would ensure ones comfort,safety while in treatment.
I have seen what is available to those that struggle alone with Mental health and Addictions.
It is either locked facility in prison and hospitals.Pharmacology.
The other option is homelessness and shelters.
Out patient options for the housed and marginally impaired.

Monday, March 1, 2010

March 01 2010

The day started early,6am finally well rested getting out of bed at 9am.The comfort of a king size bed,the softness and warmth of the olive colored duvet,left me lingering for more.
I open the full length curtains,the brightness of the light blue sky,took me by a pleasant surprise.However my eyes needed to adjust.
Feeling the suns beams on my weary face.Made the start of the day seem bright.
I really want to write about the last two weeks,somehow it is deeper than I can face.
I took a two week break from media to engage in community,researching for my writings.
I can tell you I found more than I had bargained for.I can't wait to share it with you.
Surrounded by the luxuries of hotel living,interrupted by the knock on the door.
Do you need service today.the hardworking housekeeper asks.No thank-you,I replied
I am fine for today.
The silence of my mind and heart brings a sense of calm as I take a deep breath and exhale.
The reflection of the full length mirror over the desk,next to the flat screen panel Television,the phones are quite.
The dogs are basking in the suns beams,nestled together.They look so peaceful.
after a bubble bath.
I am off for a nap,hopefully that will stay that aged look in the mirror,while I eat the raw broccoli to rejuvenate the skin cells.
Sleep will help that to.
I think it is nap time
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Thanks for dropping by..till next time

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The reason of all reasons

A blog dedicated to strength,courage and hope.
Mental Illness and addictions is a disease,it should be treated as such recovery is possible.
My goal is to carry the message to those that still suffer that you will not have to be in isolation. be free my friend at last.
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