midnightmatters

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Toronto, Ontario, Canada
This Blog is not for the faint of heart,my direct approach is to address the importance of lifestyle choices.. education and awareness.the story will unfold Midnight matters ..days just slip away..and nights get longer writing has been a passion of mine now I share it with my audience. sharing my stength.hope,faith Everything in between Thanks for visiting come back soon!

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Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Having faith is easy when you got it like that..but when ya don't.Yikes

Faith is easy when you got it like that but when ya don't,worry sets in.
As you know I am doing an experiment about Faith and direction,living in a hotel can get rather expensive with other daily needs,and I am sick so work is not happening.
Everything I do at the moment seems to just go wrong,where the lady luck or the faith must be busy else where as it is just not happening Today?
I must pay the room by 1;00 pm tomorrow not a cent in sight till Friday,so what will I do come tomorrow,I guess I'll have to wait till tomorrow?yikes
I went to the Delta Hotel to see if I could make a buck,no such luck seems no ones was at that the bar,we all have down times,I guess this is my turn.
I can tell you right at the moment I don't like it..but for today I am OK.
just feeling some self-doubt did I make the right move I guess I'll see soon enough
in the meantime,I'll keep the faith and get some sleep tomorrow will take care of itself.just as today did
Good-night
if you want to help a sister out call me 905-783-9401 120.00 will pay the room it is all I need for tomorrow thanks or e-mail me susansedgemore@sympatico.ca
here's to us

In the darkest hours

It is 3;00 pm in the darkness of clouds and cold weather,with a cold.the stillness allows for me to write which is fine.I slept till about 11;00 when maid service asked if I needed anything,I said yes today as the suite needed to be cleaned,and fresh linens after all I am sick.The thought of the germs in the air is not pleasant,she came to the door with mask.Left me thinking about HI NI the swine flu,after vomiting through the night and early morning,I had checked to see if the symptoms are similar sure enough they are.It brought me into a frenzy and panic mode.
However I lived through the night,and woke again this morning to live another day.
I walked the dogs in the rain as the suite was being cleaned.Lucy doesn't like the rain or cold and left me standing there with the leash in hand.She was gone,calling out for her,I walked towards the suite she was inside already the suite is on the first floor of the hotel. I left the door open I get back to her looking up at me as to say,It is to cold for this doggie.Then I went to ordered soup from room service,
as I was doing this my other dog Luke like being on the desk at the computer as if he has typing skills and something to say.The dogs are napping now.Lucy curled up in the chair next to me a Luke is guarding the door.
as for me I am nursing the cold with fluids and rest.thinking I really need to get the clothes out of storage,like it or not the weather is changing,I need to keep warm.did I think that this summer would last through till October.
The concern for the day,with being sick,and living in the hotel how am I going to keep this up? as long as it last I guess.till tomorrow? yikes
send cash or e-mail if you want to help in my experiment
Thanks ain't to proud to ask

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

A distant day

When things seem to all go wrong,this morning I woke up with a cold,probably from sitting in the cold weather with not much clothes on,walking the dogs in the rain,last night thought in was all in my head..and it is a head cold,sneezing,sniffles,snoozing.
The distant day is when I move into my home,the one I am buying at this present moment it seems like a distant day,things just are not going according to my plan.
I had planned to work this week with hopes to get the ball rolling,I went to pay for the advertising,but they had moved there location so now I have to wait till Thursday.everything is on hold.while i nurse this cold.see timing is everything in Gods time not mine.So I had a talk with God the way I want things,in a quite whisper
I heard patience,not my forte.I want it now.
as I look around at the quite serene atmosphere of the hotel,the darkness of the clouds will bring more rain,the wind is blowing the trees around.even the dogs didn't want to stay out with me while I smoke.why am I sitting outside having a smoke
anyways?I could change to a smoking room but that's not good for the dogs.
The room is a mess as I slept in till 1:00 with a Do not disturb sign on the door.
so I did not receive maid service today.She did call me when I went next door to get my coffee,asked if I needed anything? I am OK for today was my reply.
Really am I OK,with not working and my lavish lifestyle,the funds are running low.
I need to make money that's what I really need.To make it through today,and to that distant day.

Monday, September 28, 2009

The weather affects moods in Bipolar

There are many things that can trigger moods in Bipolar,just like the weather one minutes the sun is shining on me I feel great,The rain makes me want to walk or get out..I love the rain,the cold and shorter days trigger in me depression,all I want to do is cuddle up in bed with the blankets and fluffy pillows.sleep is so wonderful when its cold outside.dreaming of all the wonderful places.I could be,in fact I live in Toronto Canada.It really is not suitable for Bipolar,summer is great but the winters are long and cold in fact I feel a cold coming on,sniffles,sneezing,snoozing.
with the move I did indeed pack everything,including clothes.how can you tell I am Bipolar well I packed everything insight,did I think I was going to a sunny nudist beach,where no clothes are needed,or did I think I could afford a new wardrobe,with money being tight with my extravagances,I do have some stuff that is in the trunk that needs to be laundered,summer stuff.hopefully it doesn't snow anytime time soon.
I'll be the naked Canadian,a cold one from down under.I'd rather go shopping than dig into my unorganized storage unit for my winter clothes whats left,I should say I gave a lot away to goodwill at least they'll be warm.
Just remember I'll be under the blankets naked as I can't stand sleeping in anything else.dreaming of better days
Have a nice sleep
Susan

Sunday, September 27, 2009

A letter to my eldest Grandaughter.

I am writing this letter for you,sometimes we never have the right words to say,but by actions I do trust that you are loved within and by others.Never to be taken advantage of for your kindness or soft spoken nature.Since you came into my life as the eldest grandchild.Your presence has always made an impression on me,that your a part of me,yet an individual of your own with many particular tastes.as your Grandmother I observe your growth both in size and personality.looking for a future that is neither troubled but blessed.A faith that never doubts the abilities that lie within you.To trust your guide and inner feelings.that can only be guided by God.
each moments we spend together we learn a little more about each other.
The greatest gift to me is my Grandaughter.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Two top dogs I am in the middle

Two top dogs,mini dachshund's Lucy and Luke,they are like my body guards come near me they go crazy dog,mad dog,wildly barking at there target,You.
The morning started with the dogs doing just that barking at the sounds at the door,we are at a hotel,everything in sight is strange for them,I got stuck in a non smoking room on the first floor right by the main door,where the cleaning lady has been for most of the day,there where refugees in rooms across the hall.they are gone
5 or 6 to a room is that legal.
so as usual I go for a walk, long walk to the the nearest Tim Horton's tie the dogs to the tree and go get my coffee,with the mad dogs barking outside.It is a daily reminder how I get barking mad with others,loud sounds,intruders as I like to call them.
I tell the dogs stop it,they look at me,as to say why don't they cut the noise.I am just about to ask for another room,but I like the fact the sliding door is on the ground floor to the nicely manicured court yard.It is raining so we can't walk ant longer.I'll probably just open the door and snap.which will promote quite.
It is 3pm.I have made my phone calls,planning the evening,I am going to spend some time with my eldest Granddaughter.she seems to be missing me,I have seen her alot over the past few weeks she likes hanging with Grandma,we have fun tonight we are going to see a movie,dinner,then an evening swim.in the hotel pool.
I am going to take a break from the dogs,have a sitter for them.I really need to get Doggie daycare,someone other than Moi.
aaahhh I can finally hear the quite.
all that walking must have made the doggies tired they are having a nap.I'll slip outside and have a smoke in the rain.I really do love the rain,and my dogs
Thanks for reading.
Susan

Friday, September 25, 2009

I like creme in my coffee

Today I am still burning with desire,and frustration..I have been going against my experiment my spirit is surely feeling it,sometimes people can hold you back from your plans not intentionally just by the mere existence.see I was going to change things up instead I am back where I started and really now I know why my life is the way it is.did I need to be reminded really like I didn't already know better.Thanks to the hood and friends for that extra push I may have needed.the doubt in others I see as if at my age I don't have a clue..REALLY? Do I? Yes I know what I want and don't want but putting it together seems like a steep climb at the moment.I have done it before I'll do it again just smarter..
Don't push me till I'm close to the edge.so I am outta the hood with no return like I said many moons ago.
What a difference environment makes for my Mental Health..
Back to the lap of Luxury aaahhhhhh
even for one day
Thanks for reading stay tuned

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Nothing ever changes in the hood


Nothing ever changes in the Hood..It's been three weeks that I have visiting the hoods of Toronto,Malvern,Mornelle,Danzig,Regent,Jane & Finch,Glamorgan to name a few.
I grew up in the hood,why have I returned? To see if the anything has changed.
Nothing has after 40 years,people have come and gone,but the basic survival has not.
The part that gets me is the fact of poverty,basic survival is what to eat,smoke and drink.Most of the people in the hoods really don't know anything different.This is the quality of life in the hoods.The music that portrays the hoods in the mainstream
over value the name brand clothes,fancy cars,Ho's are the money makers,everyone hangs with Ho's as to the supply the needs,then there is the Hustler they hustle the drugs,goods,whatever it takes to get the money.Skanks I personally have never liked the skanks they are the free-fuckers that want to be taken care of collecting the cheques with the cheap rent,very petty.most have little or no education.
The Players come in male or female form,usually the hustlers and Ho's you can spot them a mile away,designers outfits,fancy cars and lots of cash.
Players play the game called life with whats is available to them,some work within the mainstream as playing the life as a player means game on!
Win or lose die trying,skills most players have skills utilizing them in all situations.The hood rats are the want a be hood rats the ones that think there jamaican,never been there though the white girls that talk the talk but can't walk the walk.or the youth that think there all that but don't have a pot to piss in.
The swaggard,the style of the hood is about personality the people of the hood are good people just trying to live another day in the hood,basic survival

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Poverty sucks

It seems whenever I am in a low mood,I have no money do the two go hand in hand in makes me wonder,when I am in a high mood the shopping, spending is endless.there is always enough money to suit me.
but right now my mood is low has been for 4 days,and not a penny in sight.so this sucks I know it is temporary as I get money tomorrow,the word budget keeps comming to my attention,one of those words I have never lived by.I have faith that the money is always there,It is not however is this caused by my low mood,or does having no money cause my low mood,or is it the crash from living high for awhile? just a few thoughts mood and money..
Let's talk about Poverty it sucks the big one and even though I have expereinced it several times in my life.I just don't like it,thats why I work and save.
but some have to live it every day,where is the next money coming,baby bonus,government aid,how is the food going to stretch till the end of the month?
what about a single person with no dependants the rents here in Toronto are quite high,unless you live in sub standard housing one could never make it?
Poverty I am sure affects many with Mental Health and Addictions.however it does seem that there is always enough money for the drug of choice.It makes me wonder if this is due to the fact many are really just happy and content with this way of life?
if so why should I be the one to promote change?
Promoting change is that there are alternatives.the alternative to Mental Health and Addictions is life free of all bondage including poverty.
These are my thoughts today.
In the meantime I am getting ready to move on as poverty has never been the norm for me.nor will it ever be.but some can be very happy.or are they?
Thanks for reading till next time Susan

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Relocating doesn't mean a thing if you don't know where to go..


Relocating doesn't mean a thing if you don't know where to go..As you all know I am on my experiment a sabbatical of sort from domestic life,responsibilities,family..
I am not even sure why? Do I need a reason.The thought behind the madness was to buy a house,the dream house. I am short 20,000 but will work for it.I have no doubt that I will reach the goal,what I am doubting is the timeline.with summer winding down,the thought of being on the road in winter does not appeal to me,I do have a trip in mind in November to Punta Cana at least it is warm there.right now I have little winter clothes with me,it is cool.I'll exchange my summer gear for winter when I go to my storage unit.My level are low.moods,sleeping, eating,signs of the D word,although we do expect that when the seasons change..There is no sunshine today,
it is dark and gloomy like my mood.
I have noticed the stillness of nothing,it is time to move on..I am restless.
The new job with the Mental health and Addictions panel starts in November
in the meantime I'll try to work next week as this week is very slow just like me.
thanks for reading
Susan xo.

Monday, September 14, 2009

The quite sounds of nothing

It is Monday 4;30 pm I am out on the deck with the laptop,dogs are quietly chewing there bones..After the week-end I spent time with friends and family.I couldn't help but notice how quite it is the subtle sounds of the bees buzzing they are always following.The girls and I went for a night out of gambling.no one hit,but as I was smoking my cigarette a older gut Greek with white hair approached me and my girlfriend he whips out of his pocket a stack of hundreds.then his brother hit a jackpot on the machine I was sitting next to.he felt obliged to show me the money as well a stack of 100.00 bills not just a few.a good 10,000 worth.or more.I can tell you funds are short for me at the moment and it was like I hit the jackpot ching ching.as they walked off I was thinking he even said stop thinking so much.We all went home in the Hurst a black vechel that feels so gangster.a quiet ride home this morning I slept till 1pm unusual late.but I needed the sleep,the afternoon breeze and the bees buzzing kids in the distant background,cars driving by.The stillness of the day will bring surprises by night.anything that comes this week will be a huge surprise.I love surprises how about you?
thanks for reading
Susan xo

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Hoods can teach main street the value of community


It has been an interesting day in the hoods of our community Malvern..Why is it called the Hood? A community,first and foremost,where people got your back,if you ain't from the hood you'll never understand..
I am from the Hood children play as moms watch on,basic survival is really about helping one another to get through the day.
Beautiful people,that like a simpler way of life survival,it a dog eat dog hood the strong survive the best and the worst today. There was a drug overdose with the cops around even city pulse a TV network,this is every day in the hoods people die,Guns..drugs,domestic violence.The kids play in the concrete jungle.parking lots running from on coming cars..sports,fights,bikes and oh the music plays.nice cars drive by and wave,people pass the day talking, working,helping each other,visiting one another,
Night is approaching,It is rather a quite evening after last night,when someone did an overdose.another funeral in the morning.
Main street can learn a little something about community from the hood..a place we call home,come back to, then everyone wants out including me.Some get that chance or choice.just remember where ya came from and why ya left..

Good-Morning Freedom Fighters

I am still on my experiment,as you know I moved out of my more than stable environment for a little instability..I defiantly blew the budget with my living in the lap of luxury time.so I ended up at my long time girlfriends of 30 yrs Coco Puff I call her..This morning was the first day of school,there a lot of Happy Mommas this morning,Mom's are freedom fighters every day of there lives..fighting for the child's freedom,It is a reminder to me all the hard work that goes into raising a family.not that I ever could forget how time consuming and stressful it can be. This morning I finally called the phone company and hydro,It was like I had a direct line no answering machine's to tell instruct what numbers to press, for which department oh how that usually bugs me.Not today ,it's my lucky day the lady on the other line was thanking me for my patience,Wow it is my lucky day a first time for Patience,she also said I was cheerful and Chipper..I said it is probably due to the fact I was closing my accounts.Thank-you and Good-bye.I am enjoying my road trip and experiment so far,My family thinks I am not being responsible at the moment.It is my life my time,To be Susan'.
Have a great day freedom fighters xo

Sunday, September 6, 2009

5am and raring to go go

I have noticed lately every Sunday Morning I am rearing to go go...like there are things to do.this is a day when the Men in the family sleep in from there hard work week.but will I let them rest,probably not.Sunday morning is the day I want to go for breakfast then church spend time with the family I have always loved Sundays It is my best day of the week.
so I sit here 5am waiting for someone to awake but even the dogs are sleeping..
Ill do my walk early,the dawn approaches ready to shine another nice day..
as the summer winds to a close,the last week-end of the summer,kids back to school soon.and labour day on Monday.since the ones who labour need there rest..just for today I will let them..
Have a great end of summer week-end xo

Saturday, September 5, 2009

From bad to worse

The day started late,woke up around 4pm.I have been staying with my daughter who is 4 months pregnant,her moods are fluctuating,she wants support,but on her terms,this is not easy,I knew that when I came and was going to stay the night I am still here,
financially speaking it has gone from bad to worse,with everyone on my case about responsibility,imagine there telling me how to manage my affairs,it so enlighting as the financial manager with funds less than to manage,see I do tend to gamble and things work in my favor maybe not this time,or the best is yet to come.for today I am still ok just the way the family is responding when times are tight,where is the faith people,I can't lose and won't they just never understand but when the goings good they are happy,right there like dirty shirts,but when thigs are tight financially I am seeing sour puss faces.it is the long week-end at this rate the week-end will be super long.labour day.after a night of yet another jackpot free evening,came come and watched a movie with my daughter.Labour Pains it was appropriate as she did have a laugh,I said we should make a video of her pregnancy so she could see herself in action,with a stare and glare that could rip me part,I will have to watch her sleep in the dark,Good-night moody girl sweet dreams

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Six inch stiletto shoes


Today my day started out at 11:00am blurry-eyed.went on the balcony at my daughter apartment to have a smoke. her very pregnant girlfriend came by,we got to talking.oh no not that again and it starts she has bipolar there we are three of us talking about bipolar.my favorite topic..and drinkers in non-functioning relations..well something functions on these guys as both her and my daughter are pregnant.however there not drinking now cause there prego and certainly both living sober for today..with withdrawal symptoms.why can everyone else drink.they are both seeing this more clearly as bipolar alone can destroy ones perceptions add alcohol well instant time bomb waiting to happen.so there mates right now are in the dog house cause they are inconsiderate drunks with no life.match made in heaven right.except when one is sober there expecting a baby so there expectations have changes like as though the man has he is still the same guy just you are not intozicated.
What an opportunity for us to talk about alcoholism we share and I read from the big book of A.A my daughter really didn't want to hear that maybe just maybe there is a chance she is one.her friend however was open to the chance as her father was an alcoholic.my daughter never really thought I was an alcoholic,and that I am just getting old and don't want to have fun anymore
We left for a long walk sunny day with the dogs,did some grocery shopping remember I am a sabbatical fom domestic duties,but I am a wife and a mom they needed to see I love them..came home cooked a nice healthy dinner salad. chicken and sweet potaow,rice aaahh finally some quite while the family ate there dinner,very appreciative of my efforts to say the least.
While I was cooking we got to talking about life..yes of course my life and how it affected them. my daughter views are quite different to my sons and they are both entitled to there opinion and communicate them exceptionally well.remember they are my children my daughter is 26,and my son is 30 for years we have the debate over my life.as you know I raise my children on my own,by choice yes I even picked there fathers,so I know who they are, by the time I was nineteen sure I had relationships but they where far from perfect or long lasting however the children of my unions are still around and have survived.3 of them.






Some scars are deeper than others..and a few resentments towards me.
Six inch stilettos open toe are my preferance,I have utilized my skills experience and knowledge to benefit myself and my family and yes even the stiletto shoes can get a girl whatever she wants and in more ways than one.Shocking as it may be I was a call girl.hooker, prostitute,self-employed business women. I upgrade to massage therapist as the kids got olders more respectable job title for others getting back to what the kids and I where talking about,my daughter doesn't like the facts of the matter.I explained to her that her perception of what my job title entails is purely illusional. how is a women with six inch stillos shoe make her money well,first things first what someone calls me from the many advertisments I pay to do,men call..for all kinds of services,I am exclusivly massage fetishes and domination.I don't suck on anything.I am not a sucker
I am a fucker though bend over.
I am open to listening to my daughters rather harsh judements of me.and I can calmly discuss things both personal and professional,I never have been a supporter of free fuckin as most women are.some women are victimized by men.some play victim.
they spread there legs then blame the men if it doesn't work out call the men deadbeat fathers,live on social service. government housing.rather than take responsibilty for bad choices they made.I can tell you coming from where I am the only victim here is the ones that get screwd I just do the screwing.
in a mans world. I play by the rules of the game called life my life so screw off or bend over

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Let's talk about relationships

Let's talk about relationships,first and foremost is the relationship with oneself.
When I was young,the relationship with my parents was turbulent,violent,abusive,and loving in a sick kind of way this bond was my first impression of what relationships are,as I moved forward to my teens,I wanted relationships with others friends and guys,I became very popular,when my friendships where formed I would have to move I learned at an early age that nothing is forever. everything is temporary
Family was forever as I had a strong bond with my grandparents.
as I embarked on my young teens.the more popular I became, the more friends I had.
The relationship I formed with myself was strong as many times when life was destructive in the home I was protective of myself and my 3 brothers.I didn't show emotions well.Fear of what will happen to us as a family was present scared of relationships.I kept emotional involvements far away.Then when I started to love boys
I made it so men served a purpose.you see my mother was a loose woman always hurt or abused by men.I vowed at 10yrs old that if she got 1 dollar for every guy she boinked she'd be rich.I instantly put two and two together money and sex.
relationship I formed I was the aggressor or abuser in a sense I became addicted to the high of falling hard for men,but justified it as they served there purpose.
My purpose at the time.
When I was 15 I was in a relationship with my children's father,his purpose was to have children no other reason.His presence in the children's life wasn't even concept for me.
As selfish as that seems now to me I really didn't no any better as the examples set before me was the norm.
Then I became involved in Love,it was what I knew,drinking drugs and sex.
home at last I was involved in a relationship someone just like my Dad,this relationship was about control,yet so out of control initially the attaction was good looks and great sex,partying and all that goes with it,
I was living in Vancouver to overcome my Cocaine addiction,enrolled in school,and working out at the gym,relationship was casusal which suited me fine.my one night stand lasted for over 10 yrs,through this time we engaged in our addictions and abuse of oneself and each other as the cycle goes the honetmoon stage was always spectacular romance,love,wild sex,then arguments and fights his drug addiction progressed to Cocain once we came back to Toronto,I had been there done that and knew I didnt want any part of this.Never ever.again we parted ways after I finally told him.the truth about my secret life,which included prostitution,
I will write about this in blogs to come stay tuned it is more than hinest and juicy accounts of life as a call girl.
His purpose was to work clean and help me raise the kids,he was good at all of these things the benifits of the great sex was a bonus plan.
I stayed single for 10 yrs after that,as I clearly had no concept of choosing the right gut nothing serious just casual non-attatched relationships worked for me.
untill I had a house fire the loss of all things material and the gift of life renewd
I yet again became involved with a drug dealer and drinker.he was perfect had five kids to.I was homeless after the fire began to evaluate my life,I began to care for this guy,feeling arose,he was yet another sexual relationship gone bad.The trust factor see I could fuck around but would not tolerate anyone doing this to me,double standard.
during that summer when I was concentrating on work,a client had asked me to go away for the week-end which I did I thought to myself how can I spend a whole week-end with someone you see my attention span was short when dealing with guys.
This man became my husband our relationship has lasted 8yrs something filled with love and purpose..till next time
Comments are appreciated
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The reason of all reasons

A blog dedicated to strength,courage and hope.
Mental Illness and addictions is a disease,it should be treated as such recovery is possible.
My goal is to carry the message to those that still suffer that you will not have to be in isolation. be free my friend at last.
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