midnightmatters

Bookmark and Share

About this blog

My photo
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
This Blog is not for the faint of heart,my direct approach is to address the importance of lifestyle choices.. education and awareness.the story will unfold Midnight matters ..days just slip away..and nights get longer writing has been a passion of mine now I share it with my audience. sharing my stength.hope,faith Everything in between Thanks for visiting come back soon!

Labels

10 bipolar signs.living with (1) acceptance (1) addiction (1) addiction compassion drugs emotions (1) addictions (1) advise (1) aging (1) agnes (1) alcohol (1) alone (1) anger (5) appearances (1) barriers (1) beauty (1) bills (1) bipolar hungry (1) bipolar pms features feelings (1) birthday (1) bitch (1) blog bipolar brain (1) bond (1) booze (1) brain (1) calm (1) calm peace sun walk dogs (1) capacity (1) change (4) change life moods (2) changes (2) cold (2) compliance (1) cooking (3) coping (2) cops (1) courts (1) crazy (1) crazy.obsessed (1) daughter (1) day money feeling strangers (1) days (3) death (1) depression (3) depression signs and symptoms (1) desire (1) diagnosis (1) direction (2) dishes (1) dishes housework solutions (1) dogs weather (1) dogs.love.obedient (2) drugs (2) emotions (1) energy (2) excercise (1) exercise (1) facebook downtime (1) facts (1) faith money tomorrow (2) family (5) fast (1) food (2) freedom (1) freedom fighters (1) frustation (2) future (1) gambling (2) goals (2) goals week time (1) god (1) God spirit will jesus child (1) gratitude (1) groups (1) growth (1) happy (1) heart (1) honesty (1) hood community home (1) Hoods (1) housing (1) hypomania (2) hypommania (2) illness (1) illness.choices (1) invisable (1) isolation (1) issues (1) labels (2) laundry (1) letter granddaughter growth (1) life (2) life call girl children (1) life recovery (1) living (1) low moods (3) luxury (2) mad (1) managing (1) mania (2) mania spending (2) meaning (1) mediation (1) medication (2) meds (1) mental health (1) mental heath (2) mental illness facts (1) miracles (1) money (4) mother (1) movie (1) moving (4) moving.freedom mania (1) nights (1) nothing (1) nutrition (1) others (1) overwhelmed (1) pain tooth dentist (1) passion (1) patience (1) peace (2) people (3) plans (1) policy (1) poverty (2) pregancy (1) present (1) professional (1) pychiatry (1) quite (2) rapid-cycling (3) reality (2) receive (1) recovery (2) relationships (1) relax (1) rest (1) revenge (2) rushing (1) self esteem (1) selfish (1) service (1) shopping (1) shopping gambling sex (1) sideffects (1) sleep (1) sleep disturbance (1) slow restless quite (2) social media (1) speed (1) spending power control (1) stigma.mental health (2) stillness (1) success (1) suffering (2) summer rest family (1) sunday feeling (1) sunshine (1) support funding show comedy education (1) switch (1) symptoms (1) symtoms (1) talking (1) technique (1) thankful (1) therapy (1) thinking.creatvity (1) thoughts (1) time (1) timing (1) tired (2) today (1) treatment (1) treats (1) trigger family expectations (1) triggers (2) triggers.people.bipolar (1) turkey (1) twitter (1) universe life difference love (4) walking cooking mood calm (1) water (1) weather moods dreams (2) wellness (3) why do I care (1) work (2) writing restlessness (1) writings (2)

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Last Blog Post for 2009

I have been sending out Happy New Years wishes to everyone,and receiving a few myself.
I have been preparing for this evening adding some feng shui,something different.
Getting rid of old energies,clearing the clutter inside and out.
as 2009 is ending I reflect.I pause,really what was good about it? well to get out of that mindset there was some good.I moved,I cut off those around me that could not bring good energy to the table.watching my children grow in their Independence,the birth of a new grandson,watching my daughter graduate college,continued my writing process.
a closer relationship with God and my husband,most off all stability in my own Mental health and helping others achieve wellness.Walking everyday,for an hour prayer and meditation, healthier eating habits and the willingness.
Things that I didn't like about the year..Alot of fighting within my family,the separation,the distance.We have always been close.The opinions, the gossip,the backstabbing.It seemed the more stable I got..The more unstable others became around me.
No longer being the helping hand..the I got to do it all mind framed..seems not to agree with others.
It is an adjustment I am sure,but long over due.
My relationship with my husband has become very close,no outside distractions.His love and care means the world to me..He makes his own lunch now, does the errands.
seems happier in doing them.
I have cut out all stress to me housework,laundry,family,bills,the fact of simplifying make it calm and peaceful for me.
The only Hope I have for the New years is continue health and well being for myself and my family,love,faith,hope, charity,prosperity health for all of us
Happy New Years good-bye 2009
Bring it on 2010
Susan xo

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Detox of the mind body and spirit

Walking together in life's journey,as you all know my spiritual path has always been a source of strength for me.To know that my higher power who I call God has led me down the roads.sometimes my own will gets me of course.having said that in times of self-discovery many things have been revealed to me.sometimes quickly,but at times very slowly.My own stubbornness to be open has more often than not stunted my recovery.
The art of listening has been revealed to me.Listen to what are the needs of keeping myself healthy and whole,in spite of diagnosis,emotional immaturity,negative thinking.
Why am I not happy? are things in my life not quite what I expected them to be?
Life changes..It cannot stay this way.
Oppression under my own emotions.Time to GET UP!
Time to do something different?
I was eating alot..something I haven't done in along time.Realizing I must pour out..instead of pouring in..
food,drink,activities.
We binge to keep from purging.
When something goes as we had not expected or hoped for.Extreme reaction to negative emotions
1)Repression makes us sick
2)Rebellion makes us stupid
A lesson from A true You.
Which leads me to the body..It was recommended by my Dr before the weather changed to take Omega 3 and Vitamin..I failed to follow through.
I will pick this up tomorrow and blog the results.
Emotions for recovery can be alot of negative feelings.We want to get better but we hang on for dear life of feeling of the past.
Opening up about our feelings,confessing them one to another,so that we can be a safe place for others to do the same.
When we close off our emotions we stop them from functioning.
I get mad often at others, myself, my circumstances.
It is not what I expected for my life..But as my will joins with the will of my higher power it has become a source of patience and peace.
I don't like it when others don't understand exactly what it is I am doing with my life.I don't like it when others hurt me intentionally with their expectations or limitations.
I don't like it when finances are not flowing.
everything stops as soon as I get resentments.
I forgive those that have hurt me..I hope you can find it in your own heart to forgive me.
thanks for reading Please post a comment.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The benefit is sex

Today just like any other day,lately within the past few days.I have not been doing my walks.I really do see a change in mood to low.instantly.This is somewhat different as my appetite is eating everything in sight.especially carbs and chocolate cake.with my weight loss this year the last thing I want is weight gain.
yesterday I added more vegetable fish and protein which seemed to curb the cravings.
It got me to thinking about exercise as walking is my form of physical activity.
cuddled under mounds of blankets,the dogs snuggled in.I needed to get moving.up then back down.just wasn't cutting it.My husband was making his lunch second day in a row.
this is also unusual.I got to thinking about sex as a form of exercise.
To my husbands delight,I have been neglecting this part of the relationship.
After an hour,hearts beating,passions renewed.The feeling of our bodies uniting was for me a least,a great form of exercise and a release of tension.that was building within me.
We also looked at each with wonder,softly caressing during the cool down.cuddling was a feeling of warmth and love.
Natures natural best medicine
How is your sex life lately? Do you want the security of a great sex life within the
marriage filled with love and wonder
please post a comment thanks
Susan

Monday, December 28, 2009

Walking Together Ministries

2010 is fast approaching,I have decided to go a step further,in my work with Mental Health and Addictions.Walking Together Ministries is the answer to the call.

Mission Statement:We seek to grow in knowledge and service advocating for the best care for all that struggle with Mental Health & Addictions.
Healing wellness and recovery supporting those in the community.
We know the suffering of those with brain disorders,disturbing feelings,thoughts and behaviors.We care for the whole person body,heart,mind,spirit.
Seeking fullness of life in daily living
As companions we share the journey,share our story that you may find courage strength and hope in recovery.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Encouragement


Encouragement comes in many forms.it could be a smile on a child's face,the glimmer of hope in your own eyes,the kind words that make all the difference in your day.
A challenge overcome,a pet jumping in delight,the morning sun,the midnight moon,the scent of beautiful flowers.A comfort food,a soothing drink,an answered prayer.
Those of us that deal with Mental health and Addictions often find ourselves in awkward situations with unfamiliar faces.We can be our own worst critic.The negative thinking,our words can often over take the reality at best,or the fact that life is and can be downright rotten in some situations created or otherwise.
None of us can live up to the perfectionism in which we would like people and places things to be.
Today when I was filled with negative thinking triggered by family.I was approached by a young man with an e-mail.He said that he enjoyed my posts,and reading my writing he to has bipolar,it helped him.
I can tell you in the frame of mind I have been in it made the world of difference to me today.I also spoke to a lady that told me her 4 week old grandaughter was at sick kids hospital on life support.They too did not celebrate Christmas.
A kind member of our group said u do make a difference that my purpose in serving others,matters.
I do make a difference,even on my off days.
This is a gift I am truly grateful for..I'd better start showing it.
Thanks for reading post a comment please.
Till next time Susan

Friday, December 25, 2009

A Bipolar Christmas

I would like to take this opportunity to wish you a Merry Christmas.I know for some of us it is Christmas.the Merry part well maybe not today?
This year I choose to spend Christmas alone.maybe your alone today by choice or otherwise.Family tensions of what is required of us to meet their expectations can be overwhelming,stressful and downright selfish in my view.
I watched a movie in the comfort of my hotel room,A Christmas Choir.It was about homeless people finding meaning and purpose for their lives,in doing so they where able collectively to give back to the community through there voice and the gift of music.coming from undervalued lives the director of the choir was an executive who was caught up in his own life not caring for others with his re found love of music and some faith saw this group through the adversity they faced.finding love and hope in most awkward places and faces.
I can tell you being alone this Christmas brought out feelings I have not really had to feel before today.Bipolar has a way of making you do things out of character.
like wanting to be alone and feeling somewhat guilty because I know that my family are angry with me.I am usually Santa clause..Santa didn't come to town..I am certain the spirit of Christmas did.
Our families may be angry and lash out at us,just like mine did this Christmas.
Initially my feeling were hurt,but understanding others and myself gives me a sense of peace.I am not Santa,or God.but a person that struggles just like the rest.
I have taken myself of face book,as family tried,personally attack me there.
I also went on-line to see what is available to people with Mental Health and addictions support at Christmas.not much for Mental health.however my blog did appear.which makes me think that I am on the right path,whoever doesn't like it well to bad.I am called to serve,the community of Mental health and addictions.
I would like to know how I could serve you better in the New Year?
what are you dealing with in your journey with Mental Health and Addictions?
Collectively how can we make it so others don't suffer alone?
Thanks For Reading
Merry Christmas

Friday, December 18, 2009

Waking the dead.

This morning,I was wakened by a nudge to my shoulder,I opened my eyes and asked what do you want? there is always something.Not this morning,just wanted to say good-bye.
all I could utter is get lost ASSHOLE.The dogs where scheduled to start daycare this morning at 7am,with the expectations they would be dropped off.not by be of course 7am is far to early for this sleeping beauty.He called me a princess Diva,as I rolled over.I said it's Queen Bitch to you get it straight. Princess Diva well I was offended.Now he has awakened the dead and 10 minutes has passed,I said in the 10 minutes you stood here yapping,the dogs could have been at daycare and you on your way.I have to work was his response,and left finally.I called the daycare and said Good-morning Matt,in a crumbling tone of voice.I said I will not come until later what possessed me to even think of being out the door at 7am was beyond me.In his Good-morning laughter tone.He said come when it suit you.someone who understands my thinking.end of arguement,or debate.
I went to the hotel front desk to pay my keep for the day.Two lovely ladies,dressed,make-up and cheerful attitude,all I could think is why am I surrounded by all these happy morning people.then there me who begrudges rolling over.I take the electronic card,head back to the room.I look at the dogs and said are you ready to go,they also jumped with glee,put on there coats and mine.The morning is cloudy,and dull as we walked more happy morning people saying how cute the dogs are which always puts a smile on my face,we pass a dog,Luke remains calm.
Progress,two guys are coming out of the store,called Luke a soldier.he has an army coat.I laughed and so did they.we approach the daycare I was feeling,like a proud mom
taking her kids to the first day of school.The daycare attendants took them from me,they ran to play with the other dogs.I left with separation issues and a sense of relief,thanking the good lord for such a facility and 2 minutes walk from where I am.
Back at the room I think now what.missing them already.made a few calls talked about New Years eve plans,ordered tickets for a dance at the Delta Markham Hotel.
called my best pal Coco,we laughed,about my morning mishaps,another cheerful morning person.called my mother but by this time I was cheerful myself.we talked and laughed.
worked on my writings,face book with my daughter,twittered away some thoughts.
had a bath,got dressed and time to get the kids(dogs) they where happy to see me.
I talked to them as a proud parent would,saying good job,they both where very calm and proud.We get back to the room,they both curl up and go to sleep.nap time sounds good to me.
Thanks for reading while your here post a comment!

Writing my best seller..A word at a time

The object of the experiment of faith..Is to see if this path I am on my at this stage of my life is the moment of truth.
If you have been following the blog,I have put all other aspects of my existence on hold.
To write a word at a time towards my Best seller book completed for publishing.
There can be so many desire of the heart,that pull at the string,I am focused and active daily in this important project.Today I recognized through prayer and obedience,that it is about surrendering my ego.The book is not about me,however the subject matter Mental health and addictions.seemed to be.As I have lived it.
The certainty of purpose was clarified,to minister to others in there place of need.
not based on my opinion as much because people don't really need a bat over the head when they are already down,but a place of comfort and understanding,encouraged through testimony of example that are relate able to the reader.I have also been doing alot of reading,something out of character for me a thriller suspense novel.
A signature style of writing to call my own.take the reader to a place better than their present reality.When I use to read.I would read the whole book in one or two days.now when I read I limit it to two or three chapters and mediate,absorb what I have read,then I read a few more chapters the next day.
I also write in a similar fashion..topic comes to mind,then I write,write, write about it.
now when an idea or topic,title comes to write I jot it down.then come back to it in a day or two.it gives me a chance to conceptualize what I am writing.
putting the emphasis on form,editing the details as I go along.
A word at a time,one day at a time.
The book unfolds.
Thanks for reading post comments thanks

Monday, December 14, 2009

Emotional Growth

Accepting life on life terms is not easy for most.lessons learned, experiences earned.
Our age is but a number but sometimes when we can't get our way we throw tantrums.
like a two yr old child.Accepting our lives is a big part of emotional growth.
For sure not everything is going to live up to our perfect picture the illusion created within.Therefore everyone around us falls short in our minds.Emotional growth comes in time sometimes never for most.The needy, the wanting,have emotional disturbances.either as a result of mental conditioning,or drinking and drugs does stunt ones growth.The solution for the addict is the substance,relieving them from the harsh realities called ones own life.emotional problems are controlled by other means rather than addressing them, blaming others for the misfortune of the life they have chosen.We see this in relationships.The type of person we choose to be with.the relationship with our parents and siblings.Everyone one can live under the same roof,but perceptions are so different.
Emotions are very real for the sufferer.not knowing what to do with them causes behavioral issue.Coping techniques have been taught either don't feel,look how much medications are prescibed for just this reason.
bury the feeling in addictive acting out behaviors ie sexual drugs alcohol shopping gambling addictions to name a few.
domestic violence,poverty, abuse
These realities are harsh for most,learning to live within its grasp is emotionally
exhausting.
there does come a point when emotional growing up is the best solution.
Thanks for reading share a comment
Susan xo

Saturday, December 12, 2009

The worst part of Christmas is not doing it~

The worst part of Christmas is not doing it..I can tell ya..this one is going to be difficult.I took a break from media,and all conversations regarding Christmas.
This will take some dicipline so far so good.I have even boycott the malls.
The part that is the hardest is not seeing the family.it will be our first Christmas
apart..they all have there own families,and the torch is handed to them.
but to much relief we are having a baby shower for my youngest she is due in febuary with her first child.The family will be together for this event.then I think I will have a tobagganing party for the family on boxing day.weather permitting.
kids snow and fun yes it is winter..so the best past memories where of these moments.
Time to make some new ones,with all the grandkids together with the family which keeps getting bigger..
What are your plans for the holidays please post your comments thanks

Friday, December 11, 2009

Blah Blah Blah

I am taking a break from all forms of media,the news,twitter,yes even face book.
With mood still plummeting like the temperature outside.Today is -21 snow has covered the grounds.winds blowing at high speeds.The only thought on my mind is to be on a plane headed for sunnier warmer destination for Christmas.With all the media hype about shopping family and the freezing cold weather the repetition in media is well driving me nuts.it reinforces the thoughts already running around in my head.
money shopping weather over and over again.minute after minute day in and day out.
I am even writing this blog about it.I know tis the season to be jolly.I am however
human with needs a bipolar that has an illness to manage.A lifestyle conducive for the illness.I look to the side of my eye,a blanket of white snow brightens the glare.
inside is toasty warm.
I can do a few things to make it better.like yesterday I was thinking of winter fun?
things I use to do in the winter.but these bones can't stand the cold.I need to get a winter coat, boots, scarf.then maybe I can go out into the cold.I always throw my clothes and winter coats to good will.The bipolar lets get rid of everything cleaning fritz,then I have to replace Why do I do this? part of an illness Bipolar
Bipolar is strange just like me.
Had a good lunch spinach omelet with a Greek salad.I'll write and read for today.
Thinking of warmer climates.mindful meditation.
How do you manage your illness during winters and holidays?
or do you hibernate in Bipolar depression?
please post a comment,I appreciate them and you!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

2009 Coming to a close

2009 is coming to a close,with snow on the ground,Christmas around the corner.A new year fast approaching.It is a time of year that makes me feel sentimental.I ponder years gone by.Memories I hold dear of snow and kids.They seem to go hand in hand.The family memories of Christmas gone by.In future hope of the New year and what it will bring.Thinking of Christmas trees and presents wrapped.Turkey cooking in the oven,Pots boiling on the stove tops.
smile on peoples faces as everyone gathers round.sipping eggnog or stronger drinks.
Snow men,tobogganing,skating,snowmobiling,skiing all part of the winter fun gone by.
pulling it all together always was a mad panic.Rushing here and there.but come Christmas eve the magic happens in the delight of the children's eyes.big and small.
My wish this Christmas is to pass the torch..So my kids can pass it to their kids.
Special moments gone..
The new year is upon us 2010 what memories do you hold dear and what hopes do you have for the new year? thanks for sharing

Monday, December 7, 2009

In the Doghouse

In the dog house with 2 miniature dachshund's.I love my dogs they have been a great addition to my life and well-being.However I seem to be in the dog house with them.
They have changes my life completely.I guess that why they came into my life.I have been wanting to free up some time,as we are together most of the day we do everything together.I have been searching for the answer.On one of our walks last week we found a Doggie rec center.I can tell you I was jumping for joy.The center is a new company.The people are friendly and most of all they love dogs.Yesterday we went for a meet and greet.Luke my male does not like other dogs he just freaks out,alot like me I would say.In regards to his temperament.Today was our first day of professional training.Luke had fun while Lucy and I watched him learn some new stuff.
He settled in and played well.We are going to go every day for an hour.then they can go to Doggie daycare.finally a solution.My aim is to get them trained as therapy service dogs.which will allow me to take them to public places.
Allowing me to have time,to work on other projects.This is a win win solution that came out of the blue.I am grateful that they can have fun and training.while I do other stuff.
I have to get out of the Dog house once in awhile
Thanks for reading and post a comment thanks

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Do I Do Mornings

Mornings have never in my life,been a part of the day I enjoy,unless I was up all night.It has been 2 months now.I do mornings,the doctor would try to get me into the habit of this.I would laugh and say good-luck,and really thought he was nuts.I am 46 yrs always nocturnal.The first time it happened day after day after a good-nights sleep,I was awake ready to start the day with breakfast.this lasted 18 days the first time,doing my morning walk for an hour.filling my days with writing, work.social.then I slipped into nights for 4 days,but ever since I do morning with a schedule,for my days not that I planned it that way it just happened.The results of a good night sleep and early morning wake time is I feel better,I don't feel as though I accomplished nothing,because my day if filled with activity.I do get tired by 7 or 8 pm have a hour nap.then I proceed with the evening in bed before midnight.
I do have a few concerns for this week,mostly financial.I actually really have my mind on my money,and to get ahead.The facts are I want to buy a house.This bipolar however is in the habit of blowing it.I mean lots of it cash that is.This week I have
put myself on a budget.I have never lived by a budget and when I try there is usually no cash to budget.My money theory is that faith will provide,yes work does help.so many others I know manage on so little,or fixed incomes of a pay check.
I can say I am blessed,in the ability to make money.keeping it well that's a goal I am working on.I wonder does faith and budgets even belong in the same sentence.does it not put limits on provisions.writing down every cent I spend,and what I make.
is keeping me honest with myself.this is really not me speaking cause in the past.
Did it really matter?
Thanks for reading
Post comments

Saturday, December 5, 2009

It's cold inside and out

The weather has become very cold,I didn't do my hour walk today,managed 15 minutes.
kept cozy warm under the blankets for the later part of the afternoon.Went out for some social fun in the evening.wasn't much fun but I went out just to interact with others.I sometimes have to push myself and that's what I did tonight.Just like I am pushing myself to do this blog entry.well I can tell you my house dream seems so far away..I want it now we have been looking at the options.nothing has come yet?
Am I expecting to much,maybe.but I am not going to settle.I have a meeting tomorrow.hopefully it goes according to plan.I need the breakthrough with 20 days till Christmas.The pressure is on!I always work better under pressure.Some days your hot some days your not.It's just cold inside and out.
Thanks for reading

Friday, December 4, 2009

We will Survive

We will survive,to feel happiness you must have felt the pain.Things are about to change,things will never be the same.everything is moving so fast in time.Do you feel somewhat left behind,things moving along slower than your mind can think the thoughts.Single mothers don't get your heads down cause your man hits the door.
Now that I know things will never be the same and I will survive.
Somehow I have to learn that the process for others is very much the same they will survive.They really don't need me to tell them how?
However when I see human suffering through no fault of there own,it's what they know.
I keep thinking there are ways to change..but in them through them we must go.so we can grow.some get that chance some don't.
I am just grateful I did.I will survive,It's been proven that whatever is thrown in my path,I have overcome and become a better person for it.Just like you will.or maybe your already there.on the way.
However children,that are witness to abuse,addictions,disorder are very much affected.either they become it or get involved with more of the same in there relationships,and the cycle continues through to the new generations.this is where the change can begin by empowering and educations.we are what we learn.
let us teach them a better way of life.living vs surviving
thanks for reading.share your thoughts thanks

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Christmas Spirit

Christmas Spirit is alive and well.Decorations adore the trees,lights glisten and beam.Shoppers visit the malls for the perfect gift.media compounds the spending madness with advertising of all that we should consume.Christmas cards are made and sent.menus are prepared and planned.giving is the spirit of Christmas.
A time for families to share this special day.Children of all ages unwrapping what Santa sent.The music the sounds of Christmas come alive.
leading up to this very special day,always makes me anxious.can I make it just so right,with all the right food,gifts and atmosphere..perfectionism.
The race against time,I always leave preparation to the last minute.a day or two before.Every year I say I am going to do it differently,but I'd rather not have it any other way.
The pressure gives me a sense of relief on the day of Christmas looking at the year gone by and the onset of a new one.
We as a family celebrate the season on Christmas eve.with the drifters on Christmas day.
This year,will be different.I am going to be the drifter.allowing my family the gift of Christmas to offer there children in the comfort of there homes,making there Christmas preparation special for there children and passing it along.the memories of the Christmas Spirit.
This year I'll give money,and save the shopping madness for others.
Happy shopping and preparing to all in the Christmas Spirit
There was an error in this gadget

Thanks for dropping by..till next time

There was an error in this gadget
There was an error in this gadget

My Blog List

The reason of all reasons

A blog dedicated to strength,courage and hope.
Mental Illness and addictions is a disease,it should be treated as such recovery is possible.
My goal is to carry the message to those that still suffer that you will not have to be in isolation. be free my friend at last.
Reserved right to content of this blog @copyright 2009
No use of this blog is to be copied,without consent

Blog Archive

Search This Blog