midnightmatters

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About this blog

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Toronto, Ontario, Canada
This Blog is not for the faint of heart,my direct approach is to address the importance of lifestyle choices.. education and awareness.the story will unfold Midnight matters ..days just slip away..and nights get longer writing has been a passion of mine now I share it with my audience. sharing my stength.hope,faith Everything in between Thanks for visiting come back soon!

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Monday, August 31, 2009

I am so relaxed my brain can't think?


The morning started off with hubby leaving for work the unusual routine a kiss to wake-me up. I am not the happiest morning person I tell him to get going snuggle back under the blankets and grumble while I think why does he wake me up some nerve.
This morning is the first day without him and the dogs kept whining at the door hoping for masters return.Awe isn't that cute,tried to get them to come and cuddle but they where not having it.they won I am up.at 7am so I play with them and take them for our walk down by the lake checking out the scenery it is so beautiful the sights the sounds.surrounded by the beauty of life, my new life..In port Credit
after the dogs and I had our fun we walked back to the hotel.decided I would take advantage of the buffet breakfast that was included with the suite.coffee to.
there where people sitting at tables. a few older couples, kids,two big women that loved the buffet for sure.as I was eating my brown toast,banana,they men where sneezing and coughing blowing there noises..yuk while I eat.woof down the food I was outta there just seemed really gross and the thought of the germs floating in mid-air was enough for me.went back to the room to go on-line to seem as though I have done some kind of work.the pool was awaiting me I went and there was only one other person who was leaving first I went in to the hot-tub I could feel the jets against my muscles the heat of the rapid water.reduced me to relax.15 minutes and time to swim.I did about 20 lengths of the pool..back to the room after I dried off.
back to twitter and face book.To rave about my life.does anyone care no.but I do it anyway.
it keeps me busy,I was suppose to do other things like make money.but that is on hold again.turns out I really can have my cake and eat it to afterall.
so I thought I work on my blog as iis so wonderfully quite the dogs are napping,the only thing buzzing in hear is the mini-fridge.
I am so relaxed my brain can't think this is unusual.
Relaxed what a concept?my only question is how long will it last?
On that note I am going to have an afternoon nap 1;30 pm.with all the workload today
I am relaxed watching everyone work so hard.
Strting to see the good life,is for me.
I can accept that today
Have yourself a great day I am!

Living in the lap of luxury..Just the way I like it


Living in the lap of Luxury ..just the way I like it.
Today is the first day of the experiment and if you have been following along you are aware of the plan.if not read up!
I finally moved out of the house whew it took me a month to finally get my body out of there.I moved all my personal belongings into storage a month ago.
even though I was not quite sure where I was going.I landed up at a furnished 1 bedroom suite with all of the amenities a girl could ask for.room-service,jacuzzi,pool.whirlpool,fitness and I got to bring the dogs with me.that is the bonus part.king size bed for us to snuggle up in.buffet breakfast is included
does it get any better than this?
I was a little nervous about the noise factor as I like it quite..it is very peaceful
feels nice to be surrounded in the beauty..It suites me fine.
The best part is I am happy as can be! even my attitude is good right now.
I am going to be somewhat busy tomorrow with the new job lined up.
I'd better get some sleep aaaaaaahhhhhhh
Till tomorrow Good-night friends xo

Saturday, August 29, 2009

When in doubt..... Write




When in doubt write.I use to use pen and paper stick it in a box for no one else to see,now I blog visible for many to see. Just as your reading this.I wonder do you get anything I am trying to say? What is the point is really the question I am asking
Initially I thought I would write about my experience in hopes that others would do the same? as I am on information over load right now with all the information on Mental Health and Addictions.everyone has a story to tell.sharing the experience.
Really the whole point of my on-line work was a starting point for my own personal development through my illness.It worked.well into wellness now,I seem to be having some personal doubts if this is true?
I am still sitting in an empty apartment with nothing but my laptop,mattress and two dogs.living vicariously through the Internet.
I was suppose to move with all good intentions I am still here.It has been a place that while during my illness I felt safe,quite and peaceful.with nothing but my thoughts locked behind the bedroom door.I was very comfortable in this place of torment.I didn't have to really do much other than,pull out the laptop and do my thing.research,learn,and put my health mental,physical,spiritual as my main priority and focus.
as I close this chapter,It has been both comforting and rewarding.I must get on with the next as I sit here writing I am somewhat reluctant,only for the simple step of
making that move of putting my life in motion.
The rewards will be far greater than even I will ever imagine.
Just by stepping into my own life.
A different way of life
As I close the door tightly shut behind me once last time.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

My first day on the Mental Health&Addiction Advisory board

It is 8;00 in the morning,after a good nights sleep.at least something is back on track my sleeping pattern. I am well rested after the excitement of a new Grandson,my daughter finished her legal assistant program at college all proud moments for me.
When my family is doing good everything is ok in my world.
Today is my first day on the Mental Health Advisory panel,at the hospital.The overview during the initial interview was the language used to refer to individuals or groups with Mental Health and Addictions even they are confused what to call us the so called Professionals are wondering what to call us? What? wondering do I feel comfortable, politically correct.all I kept thinking is call it what it is.
The women Anne seemed very informative and eager about the panel they have been at it since 2006,of a group of professional Doctors,Social workers,nurses,community interested people and consumers.I guess that's where I fit in having been a professional addicted nutcase.I take my role seriously.and plan on giving some good advice making changes for those that live with Mental health and Addictions my prime concern is education,and support living daily life.
As I contemplate my new role,which I am truly honored.There is an opportunity to be Co chair.I am thinking about what to wear, fix my hair,and bring with me the change I want to see.As I take those steps in enriching the lives of others by example.
Today I'll just be me that's the best advice I can give
Thanks for reading.
I'll let you know how it went.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Self-Esteem The facts of feeling good


Self esteem we all seem to think we got it right,by the homes we live in,the cars we drive,the job title,our influence.
Self esteem is deeper than the superficial outwardly appearances,It is really about what we think of ourselves,sure you can try to fill the void with unfulfilled relationships,low paying jobs,and never reaching your full potential due to poor self esteem.am I attractive enough,smart enough,slim enough all the self doubt the negative self talk can weaken ones self esteem as well as allowing others to critize you
My first encounter with this topic was a psychotherapist,I have always thought highly of myself or so I thought.
The definition of self - esteem encompasses beliefs,emotions and behaviors.In Psychology self-esteem reflects a persons overall evaluation or appraisal of one's own worth.synonyms self worth,self respect.self respect,self integrity.
One way of communicating through speech and body language can reflect one's self esteem.How do you feel about yourself,do you have self-esteem.
The language that refers to self esteem today is self acceptance,self approval,self expression self assertion.self approval.self love,self realization.
Take away all the things the masks,the materials,what lies beneath?
A search for self?starts with self esteem

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Labels are formed for suffers of Mental Health and Addictions


Mental health and Addiction patients have been labelled,past and present by the minority for the majority,What has sparked me to write about the topic is there is a debate on what to call you.as a collective name.Consumer,Survivor, Recovery where the terms is used,in the past mental health patients where called crazy,insane,nuts,
to name a few to describe you.It irked me however that in the labels that are put upon people how it actually affects people that suffer,those that are ill,and for the future people diagnosed with Mental illness, the individuals that will not seek treatment for the very reason of labels.I for example like crazy that is what I like it suits me fine and really does describe my personality.at least the a reason for the madness.I had posted the fact I am a patient,of Mental health service,no she thought this implies I was not a person that self-advocates.that indeed I was playing a subservient role.However,this statement was to me a denial of the facts,I am a patient,self-advocate,crazy bipolar,addict,alcoholic,whew I am blessed with all of them in recovery.There never going to go away,I will not ever be recovered,
I manage my illness with wellness,one day at a time.
It is in the labels the criticism,by not only the public,but by the mental health individual and groups that also contribute,to the stigma in which individuals face,
keeping many in isolation with there illness,This concerns me,as some people will feel that Recovery is a far way,an unobtainable goal,many will not even try and die as a result,First and foremost we are people with an illness,the labels and the diagnosis,is a part of us,living with mental health and addiction is learning experience in which one has to accept,suffer,educate,this is not easy for anyone,most people need support for daily living..yet as the debate goes on and patients are left with there pills,where is the support when it comes to daily life,,guess what many don't have support they suffer in silence and isolation,
What labels do you call yourself?
thanks for reading xox

Monday, August 17, 2009

Working through the emotion


Anger to me has always been a defence mechanism that worked.I loose my cool the trigger goes away..The raging Bipolar in me sends those around me,feeling somewhat defenseless.This anger come from a place of frustration or disappointment usually with people,family,or myself
or someone that just sends me irate which means I have to be watchful of those that I surround myself with ,if you piss me off you are cut off,simple as it seems,I can do this at a drop of a dime.I have tried other techniques,but I do revert to this one always it is what works.I can't candy coat so the other persons feelings are not hurt,If my opinion doesn't count then I stand for nothing.however not everyone want to hear it and that is there choice.Live and Let live I kept saying to myself today.
as the trigger of my anger was my son and his foolish ways..I can't wrap my brain how someone else thinks or lives that is there life.I am not going to do this as a disservice to them or myself.I look through the window into my own future.what do I see.peace and calm it is what I love,but when the triggers call or walk through the door.I learned along time ago.I don't want them so I don't seek them out,they seek me
and when they do the rage in uncontrolable at the time.In writing this post I am working through the emotion.
thanks for reading

The humerous side of Bipolar when I am Manic,If I was depressed I'd be crying


Bipolar and manic to me is,having to clear out my house,usually I just move the furniture around at 3 or 4 in the morning,but not this time. I cleared everything out into storage unit.I was supposed to move but I am now sitting in an empty house,Now if I was depressed I would probably be sad,however I am happy as I unloaded each load of my personal belonging,gave away most of the furniture to goodwill,this bipolar does stuff like, give away my stuff to get new stuff.
Like yesterday I spent the day in Port Credit,which is such a beautiful lake front community with restaurants,stores,markets,parks,all within walking distance.fancy this and fancy that.suitable for my manic tendencies(laughing while I am writing this)
I also enjoy photography the scenery shots are spectacular,however I noticed every picture with my hubby in,he does not look to happy about this rather expensive endeavor.I found an Apartment hotel,perfect just move in and voila.no work involved
there is only one minor detail I have 2 dogs that are a valued part of my life.before two weeks are up I have to find a solution for this..Even on the ride home..I was on the brink of irritation as know one is going to stop me,I am on it
If I am going to live this Bipolar life May as well live it in style.
see he works hard for his money.I spend it as fast as it comes.not to mention
I gamble,take risks.sometimes the odds are in my favor sometime they are not.
I would not recommend this lifestyle for most,but it does work for me.
I also think that bipolar tendencies depends on how much cash is on hand,I try not to pull out the credit any more as this can be disaster play now pay later.concept has proven not to work for me.Its all about the game,a game requires participation.
Game of Life..I actually flip a coin if I have a decision to make.three times if it comes up heads I can proceed.Yesterday I wanted to go out early as I still had not slept from the night before.wanted to go to Port Credit,but hubby and son where still sleeping it was six in the morning after trying my hardest to get them up and at it.they needed there sleep.I went to bingo after flipping the coin.the thought process is should I or should I not.I went, after winning some cash 1,000 I was glad I did.We did make to to Port Credit enjoyed the 2 hour walk and dinner that cost 200.00.came home to my empty house went to sleep.another day in the mania.
In the manic the mood is lifted,fast talking,fast moving most can't keep up with me.
the decreased need for sleep,increase in appetite,spending money,are signs of mania
I love it,but the doctor does not..isn't it better than the other pole depression

Wonder how the Doc is going to like it when I see him tomorrow wish me Luck

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Cooking..they say will sell books


Cooking they say will sell books as it has done for Julia Child's.In reading about the craze of Julia&Julie.it brought me to the point of inspired yes but remember I gave up on the cooking part.The only thing cooking ever really gave me was wider hips, loads of dishes and people that could keep quite long enough to eat there meals which is really the benefits of feeding people for me.It keeps them quite.long enough to figure out what is for dessert a few more minutes of silence whew.

That being said My experiment my solace from house duties thus far.Right now I am hungry and there not a stitch of food in the cupboards or fridge so as I pondered what to eat,out of boredom really and trying to kill some time I said to myself fasting is good.closed the door to the fridge and had some water aahhh.

Refreshing to say the least it is 9:15 am.waiting for my girlfriends to come by around noon at which time we will go out for lunch,a salad,with salmon is what is on my mind.

Eating healthier is a challenge when one is not cooking the meals,veggies on the go
somehow doesn't sound so appealing,Tim Horton's has been getting a little to much business from in the last few days I love the coffee oh I really do,but it puts me off kilter inside and out.

So for some in writing there cook books makes them rich and famous,and gives them something to do.Women are not to be undervalued just because they can cook you a meal
shhhh keep quite

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Celebrating my life,Today is my 46th Birthday


Ok so it's my birthday,not just any birthday a celebration of my life.who every thought I'd make it thus far,Not me

In getting an early start to the celebrations.I did an overview of my life,a sort of gratitude reminder of how lucky I am to be me.I have a wonderful family,a great many friends,and most important to me is my life and my experience that in turn help others.

Like today,I was able to help 4 people with alcohol problems,which in turn makes me question living as an adult of an alcoholic parent.My father to whom is long gone now but lives everyday through me and our family.see he did not have a choice with his illness and I do.just in that precious gift alone it is amazing.

To have the gift of my life and experience to share with others..Is so rewarding,however I must always remember in my celebration,there are others that still suffer.

that is the path for most the suffering but once you can accept,and release all in life is promised.

It is not in the achievement or reaching the goals so much but those that walk with you along the way,seeing them grow and flourish.and being a part of it.

This is really the ultimate I have ever seen.the love that exists through me and in me is from God. as I could never take the credit..

So at the end of this day I share a little bit of me along the way..
so that it inspires something in you to grow and make that change
One thing I have learned is never settle for what you think your worthy of
as what you think is far short of what your worthy of

Thanks Happy Birthday to me
Cheers to us!

Some days are better than others


Some days are better than others..
Today being not one of them, not for any reason my head just tells me so,the day started after another all niter,I was tired and needed to sleep at 11am but the dogs where restless and the guys downstairs where doing some work the dogs kept barking I finally went to sleep,then my neighbour knocked at the door,to see if I was alright quite unusual as he has never done this before.I was half asleep said I was fine however he did looked concerned which left me thinking as I hit my pillow I'm I really OK,with the move still have yet to go physically as I am now in an empty house.never mind I said I am OK but for me to sleep at noon is a sign I went to sleep till 10pm.I then went out with the dogs got a bite to eat,which brought another question to mind? I have been off my healthy program for 4 days.I did manage my 1 hour walk at midnight.hhmm I am off kilter it is a sign I came home then had a bath soaking in the tub and meditating.
pure bliss.I thought I just needed to rest,be still and quiet.some days are better than others after quiet contemplation.the peace within is making be very calm.in a
somewhat situation.but the rest is needed at times like these
Thanks for reading

Monday, August 10, 2009

BPD in OKC: Bringing bipolar into the light

BPD in OKC: Bringing bipolar into the light

The adventure is in my mind,soon the body will catch up


The adventures are in my mind, soon my body will catch up I have been thinking..oh no not that again.I can think myself crazy.as a rapid - cycler bipolar my mind can go from imaginative,highly creative to where I am going to go and what am I going to do
who will I see,is everyone alright, as the afternoon progressed I finally got my body in gear and got going.looking for the adventure my mind is creating and in doing so we went for a drive and ended up in Port Credit.

A small town on the lake,beautiful scenery.parks,cafes,patios,people,the feeling I had being there was happy,calm,and most of all inspired.I have been looking for a change in my living arrangements something more suitable for my lifestyle now,simple and beautiful as I walked long the boardwalk looking at the lake.I love the water it makes me feel calm.

I have been looking for accommodations,no not another house as I first anticipated.apartment hotels with all the amenities and the view is spectacular.I can walk outdoors to nearby everything picture perfect I was saying as I had my dinner on the patio.the music was playing Bob Marley.Everything is going to be alright don't worry this song I love and reggae music especially Bob Marley calms my soul.
After our lovely walk along the boardwalk.then checking out accommodations.I have made a decision to move to Port Credit finally something that interest me.that gets me going, excited this is no small feat believe me.
when I got home back on-line checking things out Mental Illness the topic of my life

I breath it daily I live it.this month is the second anniversary of my school friend Lynn she was Bipolar and died as a result of suicide, at her funeral I committed my work to educate,share, on the experience of living with Mental health issues and addictions.so that others and myself will not suffer in silence but with our voice those that still suffer may choose life and living. Recovery is possible one day at a time.Previous to the Mental illness diagnosis.I worked with alcoholics and addictions
as this to is a part of my story and my father died from alcoholism.

Through my own recovery it has been the biggest challenge of my life yet the most rewarding.to share my courage strength and hope.with others.not by teaching and preaching.but by example and the power to carry that out..Reminds me daily that it a life worth living.
For that I am grateful
many don't get that choice or chance I have been given both
Thanks for reading
Susan xox

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Housework and mundane chores of life




Overwhelmed by housework and the mundane chores of life.It has been a few years now I have been thinking of ways to conquer the miles high loads of laundry and dishes.First I thought well I'll just do it yes do it it seems easy right well just after it is done there is more to do it is never-ending.I have finally conquered the battle of housework for some it may come easy and it once did for me I either enlisted help of a housekeeper or family.but nowadays my loads are not as much.just seems to much for me.when I have to look at the dishes piled in the sink and load them in the dish washer or when the laundry is piled in there baskets calling me to come put them in the washer.then fold oh I have finally put an end to it.I have simplified my life I am down to a suitcase of clothes and not a dish to be seen whew what a relief I can tell you.Tonight I went to the park with the dogs and hubby we had a barbecue veggies and steak
.then guess what no dishes just 2 paper plates which we tossed yahoo.
we had a wonderful time to play walked and enjoy our time together as well as take in some beautiful nature now I call that living I am on an experiment for 1 month excluding all forms of house duties including the house
bills non-existent still a few days to go just a few details to close off loose ends oh I know your asking why because I can

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

What is it about you that triggers me..


I have been thinking of writing this post topic for a while.People.. yes people are my triggers just certain kinds of people..the loud,obnoxious,rude kind of people the
ones that never shut up or get to the point they ramble on like uneducated idiots..then there are the type of people that constantly repeat themselves..I heard it before come up with something new please.
Then there are the kind of people, the smelly weird people..water is free and soap well that is in most showers use it in all the sweaty places..emotional people the ones that are always crying about something,life is so hard,he hurt my feelings and not living up to my expectations..well guess what people life is tough and you have to be tougher.and another reality check you cannot make another human being someone they are not.OK then there are the phone people the ones that call all the time and don't leave a message
well that is why they created the answering machine that I pay extra for.If you really need to get a hold of me then leave a f&***(()king message I'll call you back.but calling over and over again that irritates me..If I don't answer the phone the first time that means I am away from the phone or unavailable.
Then there are the slow people.the ones that stand in line to wait.no wonder the lines are so long it is filled with slow people.that have nothing better to do but wait in a line.
Then the drivers the ones that speed to know where uumm the stop sign,the traffic lights,cut off pedestrians really these people irk me there fast shiny cars who are they impressing themselves.the kind of people who are all flash and no cash this makes me laugh.I own a house a car a boat really the bank owns you!! you really own nothing unless it is payed in full with cash.
Then there are the fake people the ones that really are designer this and fake that there is nothing of value except the purse they are carrying or the shoes they wear making up for what you don't have to buy yourself some self esteem really come on people.ok then there are stupid uneducated people the ones that can't hold a conversation or count the correct change or the ones that have a job and you go there place of business looking for there products and they don't have a clue what your talking about.they are there just for the paycheck and are not interested in the customer could I be talking about sales people the ones that work in department stores.then the ones that work for companies that call you
I am not interested click after I have politely told you no thank-you.then the lazy people the ones that have no ambition in life the ones that sit around doing nothing
but feel hard done by there are plenty of things to do 24 hours in a day get it done..will ya
day people the ones that are happy at 6am in the morning give me a break we are not all happy day people.then there are the religious people the ones that think God will do for them well God Can do but you have to get off your knees and go hustle he can only work through you.then there are the drug addicts and pill poppers and drunks well happiness life is not in the next fix..
then there are the ugly people I mean Damn ugly..the ones that on the outside are ugly and even worse on the inside then there are the selfish me me me kind of people get over yourself and think of others.then the cruel and unkind of people the ones that victimize and hurt others willingly are you really that powerful or just some poor disadvantaged kind of person that doesn't know the beauty of life.. Care
so in a world with all kinds of people..the ones that trigger me into a bipolar craze
I have to understand it takes all kinds of people to make the world go on..but its my job to be in the world not of the world..thanks for reading

Sunday, August 2, 2009

The Universe is bigger than me...I am part of it



The Universe is bigger than me I am part of it.at times I think I am just a small part of the bigger picture.as I go along in my days I think how can I make that difference in my own life and those that I touch daily I use to think it was a big bang and it would magically happen.the big bang effect happens in my daily life each day that comes and goes I do my part,however big or small it may seem to me is really insignificant to the effects it has on each other through our lives as we live it,by our words and deeds.the active role we play in the universe sometimes I just want to make it go away the demands I put on myself,it seems sometimes that I have not attained the bigger picture as I see in my mind of what it is I want to give and take from life. When I take the moments to cool my jets.relax my brain and body it really does seem that it does not matter..in each second is what matters how I choose to use it make it and be it..the simple things that are of no value is what matters not the keeping up with Jone's or the car I drive the home in which I live none of this matters to me.sometimes the stuff in which we attach ourselves to seems to give the sense of our self but because I have no real attachment to things or people I have so much.I want for nothing ever.WHY cause the desires of my heart are always provided for they come from a place of love,love of God,myself the universe
family and friends so I am never lonely yet I am alone I am never bored as I am far from boring there are times there is way much to do I do know one thing that is for sure that as a small part of the universe I have a big part to play.In the lives of many for that I must do my part each day thanks for listening
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The reason of all reasons

A blog dedicated to strength,courage and hope.
Mental Illness and addictions is a disease,it should be treated as such recovery is possible.
My goal is to carry the message to those that still suffer that you will not have to be in isolation. be free my friend at last.
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