midnightmatters

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Toronto, Ontario, Canada
This Blog is not for the faint of heart,my direct approach is to address the importance of lifestyle choices.. education and awareness.the story will unfold Midnight matters ..days just slip away..and nights get longer writing has been a passion of mine now I share it with my audience. sharing my stength.hope,faith Everything in between Thanks for visiting come back soon!

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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Am I Bipolar?

Am I Bipolar,are you asking a question.
The probable yes statement is something you probably already are aware of.
Yet for some reason you don't want to admit it or seek help for fear of stigma and what others would think of you.
Rest assured there is not a normal soul in the world,all have there own dirty little secrets that others who in front of your face are kind and loving.Yet behind your back have nothing better to do with there life than to discuss your personal life.
This would normally send anyone into a bipolar frenzy.However I do understand its value and worth.It really means nothing what others think of you.Sure they can think they are better off than you but really who cares.What suits you may not suit me.The fact that you need some help along the way is nothing to be embarrassed about.
Just remember in asking for help the professionals are best suited.
People may think they know how you feel and what your going through.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Bipolar is an illness.The sooner treatment is started the better chance of recovery.
I'm just saying Thanks for reading and post a comment.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Mood Masking


In recovery we put on a brave face..making sure everyone thinks we are either stable.
or at least in between episodes.Bipolar is a roller coaster ride.That has no ending as this is a life long illness.
Mood masking comes in many forms,medications,alcohol and drugs.Behaviors that come at a change of mood.
Masking the moods of Bipolar are an attempt of covering what we are actually feeling.
Emotions can get in our way.We get angry outburst.We get overly passionate about an idea or creative or financial endeavor.We get consumed by the news of the day.
Overwhelmed by crowds and deadlines.
Sad by loss or are inability to do what once was second nature.
Masking the moods so others don't feel burdened by our illness.We can often push others away especially our loved ones.We can't bare to hurt them.
Moods of Bipolar come and go.The drinking and drugs may seem to mask the confusion.
Only to perpetrate and enhance mood swings.
Feeling have to be dealt with as they come.
Relapse will occur through the life span and duration of Bipolar illness.
The masking of moods in itself is challenging and tiresome.
Putting on a happy face,when we are depressed.
Controlling a manic episode when we are out of control.
Getting out of bed..when all we want is sleep.
Being strong..when we are weak.Being kind when we are indifferent.
Each episode of a Bipolar mood.Becomes stronger and longer.
We hide..We lie..
One thing I have learned is Moods change.......
Thanks for reading post a comment.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Is it going to happen?

This dullness,the absolutely hum drum of my today.I got up early.Pickering flea market was the first stop,after getting a Tim Horton's coffee.
The gambling part of my life is not profitable at the moment.It really makes me miserable.Not only while I am playing,but a win of 200.00 isn't money in my books.
It has been 6 months since I won anything substantial.Maybe it is not about winning or playing a game,that has been my claim to fame.
Money has always been a major motivator for me.I have not been motivated,nothing surprises me these days.The excitement of doing something new and different.At my age
there has to be something I haven't tried or done.
Is there?
Recreating the character,while maintaining the act.
The day is dull,the sun doesn't shine everyday.
I need writing material,work that can satisfy my hunger of expression.
The words more often than not..fall short.
I imagine everything I don't and can't have.
Saving money isn't as much fun as spending it.
I have to make a game of that.It is a game of numbers.
The one wih the most numbers wins.
I'll win and some lose.
That all for now.
Keep coming back.

Friday, April 23, 2010

The calm within

The calm within is a welcomed mood.Low mood maybe,following the high cycle which I was on for 2 months.
I still have to fill a precription that was given to me a month ago.
I really hesitate when it comes to meds,as I know certainly my moods and outcomes.
but with medications I can have unexpected side-effects,push to mania.
This sense of calm is wonderful.I am taking care of myself feeling somewhat settled.
This morning I had an hour walk,an hour massage,chiropractic treatment.My benefits are there to use, and I normally don't,

My spending was our of control due to the high mood of mania.Today I don't want to spend.
I really need to take into account that money doesn't grow on trees.That my generousity is not necessary.
Watching others live within there means and so minimally has given me a new prospective on my finances.

The calmness is mostly low mood I am sure..I will fill the precription today.
Have a great day! Leave a comment Thanks

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Parks and Trails

I started the day making appointments for chiropractor & massage,my body needs a tune-up of sorts.I enjoyed a 3 hour walk in the parks and trails of Malvern.
Each day I take a new direction when I am walking,I see things that normally I would just pass by when driving.I saw a man playing soccor with his kids. When I see a father playing with his children it warms my heart,and makes me smile.The kids looked like they where having fun too.

The park,by the public school had Memory to a child A Place of Rest. Inscripted in copper.
It was located just beneath the maple tree.

Then people, place and things....Rambling in quick & quite sequence through the meditation and mindful observance as well as a few regrets.

The dogs did some obdience training. Can`t people be like dogs so loyal,kind and loving.Even in the dog community you immediatly know one limitations as well has dominance Correction results into submission.

Music also plays in the park.I always loved the parks they bring a sense of solitude, a oneness with the nature and spirit.

In Celebration Of Earth day..When for one hour we are without light or indusry
I will be sitting at the board walk looking at the beauty of the lake and those that admire natures beauty..

One would have to equate the nature of people. All I can say is we certainly can learn a thing or two from what is nature. Human Nature.That is....

Name one element of nature,decribe the feeling at that moment.
Engage your five senses..If you can name them all.

Leave a comment....I appreciate your admiration and loyality

Monday, April 19, 2010

OK so I am not there yet?

Ok so I am not there yet? Where? I want to be, in the comfort of my purchased home.
In the mean time I am stopping at nothing.Sure I have been sidetracked,but nothing is going to hold me back.
Listen to every word I say! Not what your perceptions bring to mind.
Really some people got to win and some got to loose.
I woke up to a nasty voicemail. My not so loving daughter left it.
Sure: My reaction was utter hate,set me off to anyone or anything in the moment.
People call me,contact me,with hatred for there lives,I love my life.
Some people hate themselves,I love myself.
I don't need you,really do I even like you?
The point I am making is my days go beyond your perception or your level of comprehension.
Your where your at,cause really that is where you have chosen to be.
Good thing I have choices and I make them.
I may not be what you think or want me to be.
That is not any ones else decision and if your to busy wondering what I am up to or doing?
I am not there yet!
Susan post a comment thanks for reading.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The in betweens

I slept in the morning,Got up had a smoke looked at the sunshine.Thought to myself what a beautiful day.Then I thought this is the day the Lord haas made I will rejoice and be glad in it.Listening to reggae music and cooking some food. In the last few months although many disappointing experience have been about our family, It has been tough and really it has been that way for most people.We are not alone.
It show that in life although we all have peaks and valleys for Bipolar they are more intense.The in between days are welcomed and to be enjoyed.Well untill the shit hits the fan next time I will enjoy the day!

Friday, April 9, 2010

My new grandson was sent to heaven


The excitement of a new baby,all the preparation that goes into planning for the arrival of a new baby.My youngest daughters first child Jeremiah,was taken from us on his 34th day of life.The shock of a alert healthy baby boy,dead in his crib.
There are so many questions I have?
Why would God be so cruel is the first one?
Why would he break my daughters heart?
This was a planned pregnancy she really wanted to be a mother,she finished college in November,and looked forward to her new son and family.
Sunday morning we where to visit when we got this terrible news.
Words cannot express how I feel and to tell you the truth I am at a loss for words.
There are no possible words to console my daughter.
She is hurt,angry, and nothing I can do will take that away from her.
Her son Jeremiah was so cute,alert,smiled like he came to open our hearts.
The room was filled with all the baby needs,some of his clothes where bigger than he.
I told her he was dressed till five.My daughter made the right decisions in planning for his care.
My first funeral planning was for my grandson,was this God's plan to give then take away?
I am fully aware that this life we have is on borrowed time.he wasn't given a chance.
that was not our choice.
R.I.P my sweet angel,my grandson Jeremiah.
Sunrise Febuary 17 2010*****Sunset March 21 2010
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The reason of all reasons

A blog dedicated to strength,courage and hope.
Mental Illness and addictions is a disease,it should be treated as such recovery is possible.
My goal is to carry the message to those that still suffer that you will not have to be in isolation. be free my friend at last.
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