midnightmatters

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Toronto, Ontario, Canada
This Blog is not for the faint of heart,my direct approach is to address the importance of lifestyle choices.. education and awareness.the story will unfold Midnight matters ..days just slip away..and nights get longer writing has been a passion of mine now I share it with my audience. sharing my stength.hope,faith Everything in between Thanks for visiting come back soon!

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Saturday, November 28, 2009

In the struggles

Life does bring with it struggles and challenges.What are you struggling with today?
It seems that when we are going through it,we are very much alone,that there is no end in sight.Struggling alone with Mental Health and Addictions in itself is such a struggle add life on life's term it appears to be an impossible challenge.
Do you have addictions? Do they control your thoughts and actions each day.?

For those of us that don't like the God word I'll use higher power and for those that are ok with God.or spirituality call it what you wish.

The higher power that dwells in each one of,yes even you.can consider the life path and where it all began.
As an innocent child,within a home and family.Family roots begin to take shape building our beliefs and character.
Individuals either have a positive experience as a child or not so pleasant.
We have learned so much about coping,habits,beliefs from our family dynamics.but each individuals abilities and talents are different.
Could be be possible these teaching would shape the rest of our adult lives.
imagine just for one moment you as a child.was it a safe&stable place,or filled with domestic violence, abuse,drugs and alcohol.
I can only say for myself it was the later,thus my approach and learning skills where
to fix,suppress,stifle,the struggle.
everything appears to be ok,but deep inside there is something going on?
Throughout the darkest struggles it seems that my higher power acknowledges them.
bringing me to a place of honesty and to look at life on life terms.
Sure we have our share of struggles,Don't we?
Let's just consider some of these struggles,family,finances,relationships,death,illness,business,ones own inner turmoil.
There are a few ways I know of to handle the situation,face them,run from them,deny them,suppress them,do something about them,forget them.
If these all fail drink and drug them.
These are all coping mechanisms I have learned.
In all honesty none of the above have worked.
In the struggle,what does seem to work at least for me is a positive attitude that this to shall pass,that I am strong enough and smart enough to deal with what comes my way.the realization that these struggles actually come before me to make me a better person,to gain understanding of myself and others.
My higher power has a plan,the struggle appears when I do my will,it is not in line with the will of my higher power.
once through the struggle the victory of battle is won,fruits of the spirit take shape
love peace joy understanding patience that surpasses all understanding.
Grace and mercy fill our days with a thankful and grateful heart for the struggles that come our way.
However there does come a time of abundance and freedom.
once the struggle is in line with the will
thanks for reading comments are appreciated
Susan xo

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Thankful Thursday How lucky am I

Thankful Thursday,well this week I am thankful for kindness,increasing my capacity to receive,and weight loss. I start the day with prayer and gratitude there is a change in my attitude.I woke up at 10am,went for an hour walk in the rain with a grateful heart,the dogs however where not impressed.
Money is tight once again,I asked the manager if I could pay for my suite tomorrow.
I really hate to ask,pride.
He said kindly no problem.well I can tell you it was a problem for me.fear pride and humility.The room service lady took long to clean the suite.minor irritant
once gain work is dead.I had not planned for that.I did my on-line work,had a nap,
when doubt comes in I start wonder,what the hell I am doing?
I am thankful for my capacity to receive.exactly what did I receive today,patience..
never been my forte..understanding others,rest and peace of mind, weight loss I can tell you about two dress sizes and 50lbs since I came off the meds,this is making me feel lighter,the body shape is coming back bonus!
However I have not been eating my vegetables,some things are important and this is one of them I really notice a difference in mood going towards low.when I cut this part out.
Evening came,I did socialize with a few others from the hotel that have other dogs.came back and then..the post from another got me fired up..
finally some fire under my ass.
the topic was education.many people say I am lucky that I don't have to take meds.
where exactly is the luck? I was med resistant,which means for two years of med compliance,adverse side-effects,sickness,vomiting,shits,zombie land,I could not think write talk,my hands shaking like I was epileptic.80lb weight gain not able to work.sitting in a room alone.I didn't want anyone to see me like that,much less my family and friends.
what came next..teaching myself about the illness..I had no supports oh yes a Phychiatrist that sent me to learn,it started small.no coffee OMG he such a prick!
eat vegetables without the dip,get real,what planet is he from anyways.
However he was so darn cute I kept going back to see him.really that is why I did.
God does have a sense of humor with stubborn people like me.
Another thing no drugs and no alcohol,oh come on I am going to an all inclusive resort
in Punta Cana..he said all inclusive doesn't mean you have to drink everything available.one drink
I stopped smoking weed,from 1/2 quarter to not inhaling.now that's progress
sunlight was another one of his bright ideas.now really how is that possible when I sleep 10-14 hours a day at that time.exclusively a nocturnal night owl.
sun hurts my eyes.
it was the hardest thing in those days to roll over and get to the appointment,most days I just didn't roll just back over and back to sleep.
everything I did,group,therapy,meds nothing worked maybe a day or week.I just wanted my life back.to live
I would walk sometimes maybe to the store to get smokes,then I got the dog.they need to walk,so they took me along sometimes pulling and dragging,but I walked to the park.once I was out we would keep going,from 5 mins to an hour every morning.then again in the afternoon.finally some sunlight and nature beauty was surrounding me once again.things looked colorful.dark dark and dreary as days gone by.
Then an occupational therapist introduced me to mindful meditation.maybe she's nutcase I thought to myself.we did it together.2 minutes worked dily to 20 minutes.suddenly over time racing thought disappeared.
The doctor and myself where happy with the result.I was still slipping in nd out however.then the therapist challenged me finally something to do.work on me!
not on others by controlling them or my environment I learned about triggers,this was insightful and welcomed by family members calmness became a new thing..handling things that came up like conflicts,calmly expressing myself and allowing them to do so.aahh the anger was subsiding
I began to reach out to others..social slowly as the fits of anger where embarrassing to others.I would go out for set time slots initially 1.2 hrs then worked my way up to hours if I was ok.once or twice a week.
I could go on and on I will do a part two to this post but for now the point is it has nothing to do with luck to be med free and the suffering one goes through on meds
is hell on earth.at least it was to me.but slowly behavioral and lifestyle changes
monitoring and maintenance on a the daily,mapping moods,so much to do it takes work nothing comes easy,but the work is showing results.
I was lucky to be up for the challenge always did things they said I couldn't
How are you doing at this moment on your journey with Mental health and Addictions?

Love the moment.flowers grow out of dark places.Therefore each moment is vital.it affects the whole.Life is a succession of such moments and to live each..is to succeed~Corita Kent

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Wacky Wednesday

This wacky Wednesday was off to a weird start,I was awaken by front desk 11:00 am
the lady said, we have no suites available for tonight.how can that be I am in one you dumb nut.I told her to have the manager call me.well it put me in a mood.simple as that.I went to the front desk ready to attack,however the manager was there he said I could stay.yeah I guess so nimrod.grab a coffee,back to my room.
I was not in the mood for housekeeping,Do not Disturb sign is on the door.Housekeeping calls and asks if I need service? Do Not Disturb..aarrgghh.
The dogs are quite,I thought let's go for a walk,as it always changes my mood.
I finally dressed for the cold weather,however the sun is shining,very mild.
my pants so big they are falling off me arse.
There is an eeriness about today,quite peaceful,2 hours walk grabbed another coffee.
I need motivation as if the coffee are going to damn well help.the walk did however.
along the way I found a dime,and an elastic for my hair.
Gods way of saying money is coming and fix your hair.
I slip into a jacuzzi bubble bath,then into something more form fitting.
Blow dry my hair,put make-up on
I am loving the shape my body is becoming.
I tried to barbecue some chicken,the tank was empty.
I tried to work,not even a phone call
I tried to blog,the computer died
I tried to improve my mood,but to no avail
I tried could be that I didn't try hard enough.
not likely,it is just one of those days
tried to sleep,can't
tried to pray, does he hear
tried to connect no one there
tried and tried and tried.....

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Mental health and Addictions Remember and Honor

This Mission filled will passion and love,is coming from a strong emotion that dwells within.
The voice of others with Mental Health and Addictions those that did not have a choice or chance.My father,Brian Sedgemore died at 48 yrs old from alcohol undiagnosed Bipolar along with so many other dear friends
that have died as a result of Mental illness and Addictions.
I am collecting pictures and names of those who suffered and lost to put a face to the illness that claims so many valuable dear lives.
A call to action that you also remember and honor these important lives
it may very well be a source of pain and hurt for you.There lives are with purpose
to ensure that those that still suffer are not alone in isolation or silence.
please forward names age and pictures and story to my e-mail or facebook inbox
I will be submitting entries to my blog and lets see if the faces of loved ones will say loud and clear that the devastation to lives as a result of Mental Illness and Addictions is real!
Thanks so much for your action and love
please leave comments

Monday, November 16, 2009

Manic Mondays

Manic Mondays..Normally Mondays are hectic as I have done my list of things to do.
This week is different I didn't make the list as I am going to do things instead.
I make the list,look at it put it away some things get checked and some remain on the to do list.The list this week will be things I have done a different approach
This morning started early 6am,rumbling around,I so wanted to go back to bed which is
exactly what I did till noon,aahh much better woke up,had a cup of decaf,then went for smokes,the day is sunny and mild,but from indoors it looked cold and dark.
The dogs and I did our hour walk with a stop for a bite to eat.Traffic was motoring
got a few numbers along the way,got back to the hotel the manager asked if I wanted to change suites for the same price.sounds good to me,and the dogs are happier they now have a view,they made me laugh now they are very particular about hotel suites,
Luke checking things out,sitting in the window,as if he is king,then on the desk,while I went to get a drink,he and Lucy are taking a nap.the life
I made a few calls,getting ready for a productive week as the focus is bring and stashing the cash with six weeks till Christmas..normally I am Santa.
The fat guy with white beard and red outfit..never comes round here.
The other focus is going to be my appearance it has been on the list for awhile
This week I will get it done.
hopefully
It's 7pm I thought I'd fill you in on what happened today..
well I had a nap,dinner,bath and ready for bed yet again I'll watch some t.v
The nights just keep getting longer as winter approaches.
Thanks for reading
post a comment please

Saturday, November 7, 2009

In the downtime

After the excitement of my daughter graduating,the anticipation leading up to it.
I was in high gear..In the downtime.I have been very busy with myself.however that downtime means functions,or stride.now what,I have totally blown the cash flow yet again! I always think of that rainy day when it's raining.
I know I am off to a slow start to the week.what a difference a day can make.
I read an article today grandma's on facebook.It caught my attention cause I am a grandma.the article suggest that grandma has found herself staring at the computer and grandpa is left to find his own meals..did this hit home with me.
I will try to get a few very necessary things done this week.just a day or two can throw things out of whack.
it is 1:10am I need to sleep so I can wake up early to address the money situation.
I have missed the dogs as well.they are with my daughter for a few days.hopefully it doesn't last to long.I am sure they miss me!
thanks for reading

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

A Proud Occasion

My youngest daughter is graduating from her law program tonight with honors.I can tell you leading up to the moments have been stressful as I so want her to know that I am very proud of her accomplishments.It seems this hard to please young woman is making her way in life.She was working for a family lawyer,while she was going to school,she is 26 and became pregnant with her first child.
after spending a evening of spoiling my better half,it was his birthday.I was being nice,he said I know it's my birthday I guess I'll go back to being an idiot tomorrow I thought it was so funny,I don't always show or appreciate my loved ones.but they really do mean the world to me.I just can't be around them all the time.This is part of Bipolar illness.
I know my limits and I work within in them,tonight the whole family will gather to watch her graduate,hopefully I can stay in the moment,to make it special for all
Thanks for reading..Wish me luck!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I laughed I Cried.

Today has been an emotional roller coaster.I did the usual feel good things,yet raw emotions still lingered.laughter,tears,a softness within my heart,that seems to be penetrating to my soul.I heard a quote tears are raindrops that words can't express.
I also found the benefits of a mood disorder...I can do whatever I am in the mood for.I went to the the grocery store,I need more vegetables,I bought a head of cabbage,onion,spinach,fried it up and voila a tasty meal.I was hungry.Then I saw a preview for Julie/Julia,finally got to watch the movie and the timing ws right on.it was funny,made me laugh and cry.Somehow it all makes sense to me now? We may never know what lies ahead,even with goals and deadlines,it's the passing of time in what keeps us alive.Some fill there days cause they have nothing to do? Some work to fill there hearts,or pockets.but at the end of today,I shared abit of myself and in turn others opened up.That's what it's all about!

Chance or Choice

After a morning of pampering,hair,waxing,manicure/pedicure.I got back to the hotel
feeling refreshed,those feelings of being beaten down or what's the point have vanished.Although I am still and quite within,this spiritual warfare.all I can say is yes it was triggered but I have to deal with, the way it makes me feel.Things I did
1) read my bible
2) prayed for them and myself
3) rested
4)expressed my feelings
5)pampered myself

I turned on the computer,and was reminded by the death of a bipolar friend,that some don't get that chance or choice,how valuable life and living are,that my primary purpose is to carry the message to those that still suffer.That I must keep on keeping on.I may not see it or feel it at times,that I still have my own things to work through,that my judgements on others have no place in my heart.That my spirituality,just like my mental and physical health depends on my conditioning.
Those days when I feel like throwing in the towel,or why even bother to get out of bed.I am reminded today.I have a chance and a choice.In memory of those that did not.
Thank-you for making my day!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Next disconnect my cell phone?

This day I woke up at noon very late,as a trigger from family members,has sent me feeling pissed off,that they have the nerve to mess with my mojo,I go out of my way to show them love and they in turn want to argue fuss and fight,however this time was different I did not fight,I listened and gave some insight to there feelings,hm this is quite different approach for me.after a good nights sleep,I really did not want to face the day,but here it goes..Still resentful to others I am.It makes me think where is this coming from? Could family members really not like the fact I am living and happy? Doing things the way I like it for a change,not people pleasing.
AAhh the Doctor did say they may not like it as they have become use to my people pleasing putting others first.Interesting but in such a mean fashion.
Live and let live in AA.this does include myself maybe they need a program of recovery? I cannot keep making amends,or getting manipulated cause they think I owe them something.I have been given one life,mine.Today all that matters is that I live each day to the best of my ability for today!
As I sort through my own feeling on the issue,I will disconnect my cell phone,so members of the family cannot contact me whenever they feel to make demands,expectations,or just having a bad day.I am not the one to save all others.
or the world knowledge bank.
We all have work to do,on our quality of living,I just have to take into account some are happy with the way,and standard of life, regardless of what or how I feel?
I have a higher standand for myself and cannot impose that on others.
Many would like to walk in my footsteps.but can't, they are not wearing my shoes.The trigger has put me into a bit of slump.One thing that is good is the awareness that it happened.I called the phone company,asked to change the phone number the friendly gent asked of I had a number in mind,two came 1-800-Pay-me or 1-800 don't call.
He laughed and said he could do it now,wonderful..I have a private number in which no one gets this exclusive number.not even my better half..children,or family.
Works for me!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Joy takers.Family& friends

I was enjoying my own company,when I thought I would entertain some family members,
The problem is many of them get jealous and seem to be more miserable when I am living and happy making there judgements,accusations,and character attacks.
I have been doing really good as we know living my life the way I see fit,it may not be suitable for others and to tell you the truth I couldn't care less.It suits me fine and really that's all that matters.I had put away some cash I was ahead of the game these family triggers made me blow a load of cash.I'll make it back and they can
F%^^&***( right off.with there demanding and argumentative ways.I am in for the fight
just not with others.it takes my peace and joy.I work to hard for that.
They need me I don't need them.To bad so sad.It will be a long time before they see me again.Thanks for letting me get this out
Comments are welcomed
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The reason of all reasons

A blog dedicated to strength,courage and hope.
Mental Illness and addictions is a disease,it should be treated as such recovery is possible.
My goal is to carry the message to those that still suffer that you will not have to be in isolation. be free my friend at last.
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