midnightmatters

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About this blog

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Toronto, Ontario, Canada
This Blog is not for the faint of heart,my direct approach is to address the importance of lifestyle choices.. education and awareness.the story will unfold Midnight matters ..days just slip away..and nights get longer writing has been a passion of mine now I share it with my audience. sharing my stength.hope,faith Everything in between Thanks for visiting come back soon!

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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Let's get real about Bipolar

Let's get real about bipolar.Bipolar is a Mental illness can also have physical and behavioral affects as well.In a time capsule that just will not give.Everything seems more difficult.
Relationships,energy levels up and down like a yo-yo out of control.
An appetite that can be big or small dependant on moods.This is hard on a girls figure to say the least.Then there are times when I can barley get out of bed never-mind turn over in it..always searching for the converter didn't I just have it.
Times like this are so peaceful when all I have are the thundering ideas that run amok in my brain.The midnight hours make it to exhausting to complete anything for the following day.Plan what? my days and life ahead.Gees I don't even know if I can make.Like a dog chases his own tale,returning to his own vomit.
Loud noises send us through the roof....I know count to ten and keep calm..really who has this much time.I am always in a hurry to get away..from...nothing.
It does get better,doesn't it?
thanks for reading Keep coming back and post comments I love them and you!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

In for a ride

This Bipolar thing makes you hold on tight and go with the ride.Sometimes when we let it get out of control,there is nothing to hold on too.
It has been over a month,I am back on meds.It seems days are calmer and I wake up thinking life is not so bad after all.The previous manic episode had me bewildered.
Still making me question,what happened?
Wasn't I doing all the right things to keep Bipolar at bay.
Bipolar isn't something we can control.The illness rears its ugly head,in moods,episodes,acting out behaviours.keeping everything in checks and balances can make the strongest of characters thin and weary.
I am looking better and feeling better.fewer outbursts and episodes that is something that only meds can do.
I accept that.
Just an update,How are you doing?

Friday, May 28, 2010

Bipolar Personality

I am beginning to think...Yes that is right Bipolar love to over think.Isn't that what meds are for?
Bipolar personality,I was created this way.To deal with the madness of the world and the people in it.
Today started off with a knock at the door my daughter came to visit,which is always nice.Headed out to do some errands,I was quickly reminded that the girl who was suppose to be serving me.the customer.That would be me. Apparently the young girl thought she was at a social event,kept talking with her co-workers.I was standing there,in non air-conditioning waiting and waiting as she turned to talk for the third time,the bipolar came out.I did say to her I want service she told me to wait.I can tell you the bipolar went into crazy mode,asked for her name.then she proceeded to argue with me.I insisted I was not there to chit chat with her.and get to the task at hand.I was fuming mad. She said have a nice day.I plan on it Bitch,as for you,you will have to feed your five kids on 10.00 an hour.
The rest of the afternoon,I was at the beach with my daughter,grandson and the dogs.
We walked,talked and played as well as worked on our tans.
This calm and quite is beneficial,at my age.
Then I was getting the bus home,after a night out.I was standing at the front as the young TTC driver was approaching the bus stop.He said to me ring the bell.
as he misses my stop. I am one of two people on the bus.what did he not see me?
Really he just wanted to be rude.I am mean..when people are rude.
Geez come on the customer want service and this does not include lip service.
If your going to dish it out.Please be ready to deal with this Bipolar personality.
Thanks for reading Comments are appreciated!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Happy Birthday Baby Boy..Oh my your 31


Happy Birthday to my baby boy,my one and only son.
The gift of life...Today I got up early,I've been thinking of you since yesterday gone by.Thinking of your truimphs and limits each you face with a cool calm.
with a humor that is not easy to explain.your funny smirk and qurky way.
I have seen you comfort others in despair,forgiving the unforgivable in my books.
I see the way your children light up when you enter the room.
watching them takes me back to your youth.They are so much like you.
The day you where put in my arms I knew what love was.31 years later the unconditional love a mother has for her son.is well beautiful.
Thanks for being a wonderful son and brother and father.
adding more than I could ever give..To your gift of life.
Have a great day..Birthday Boy~

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

News of the day.

I was watching the news. CP24 I was disturbed to hear That the OSPA is euthanizing 300 or more dogs..they have all contacted ringworm as well as staff.
The apparent outbreak of this viral bacteria seems to have dogs at deaths door.The very institute that is monitored by government and funded by tax dollars and donations.There primary purpose is protect dogs. I was checking there website which states they protect dogs from animal cruelty.
I had to take my dogs for a walk.usually we stop and play ball and Frisbee on the school grounds as the grass area is great for the dogs. We were interrupted by a security guard that said no dogs on school property.I turned and walk away He said.Thank-you Mam.I was walking past some teens that where smoking.Shouldn't the security guard be more concerned about the students,smoking.
Maybe they have changed their policy on that.
If a hospital had an outbreak of Sars and H1N1 or Aids do they kill off the people.
Ringworm is treatable.When the first dog got ringworm they should have been kept from the others dogs surfaces sterilized who monitors dogs health & safety.
These dogs could have been fostered out or adopted due to the health crisis.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Slow me down give me a cocktail

Good-Morning Dearest Reader...
It has been 3 weeks of my medications.The Doctor said how can I treat you if you don't take your meds? I wonder with all his knowledge does he consider what effects the meds have on me. After a 3 week manic phase which I love.The meds have slowed me down,finally.
But really who needs to slow down?
Taking time out from the hectic pace of life.I continue to sleep,my sleep pattern seems more regular with afternoon naps included.
It is 9am,I feel refreshed and ready for a new week.
The bordom of the slow down has me thinking about the concept of a real job..The part I miss most is the business,the interaction with others,using my talents.
Just getting to shine,in what I love to do..That is making money,afterall we need it to live.
Indulging in most of my bad habits...Leaves me wanting more.
I know that slowing me down is ultimately better as well as calmer.What is the hurry?
It has been 8 months working on my writing..Ultimately writing a book.
and with my earning I would buy my house.That the goal.
I guess the slow down will help me to focus and continue to write.
Does anyone read this stuff? The questions and doubts linger in my head..The dread of what the possible outcome will be?
Fido cut my cell phone..for non-payment. Geez I don't answer the phone anyway.
Is it really a necessity? paying bills..increasing cost may look good to others.
But with the economic slow down cutting costs looks better to me!
Now if I could make saving as fun as spending..I am making progress.
Have a great day..Keep coming back.
Post a comment while your here,Thanks
Susan.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Today my daughters birthday



Today is my daughters bithday,she is 29.
It is hard to believe the time has passed so quickly.
I remember many special moments that make me proud being her mother.she was actually a mothers day gift.We usually celebrate together.
Mother and Daughter...
This blog is dedicated to her life,as a daughter and a Mother
She has always been beautiful and smart.her calm character a welcome calm to the family.Her ability to speak in debates and encourage others through her own experience..teaching others that including myself that we can't always react to circumstance.
She is kind as a daughter and sister.
I have so many fond memories many of which make me laugh as I write this.
Her abilty to take a bad situation and make it right.
Her search for her purpose spiritually,her growing walk with God.
My daughter has 4 beautiful children,she is dedicated,nurturing and so loving to them.
To see her as a busy mother teaching the kids,taking them to sports,encouraging them in there talents and education.
Shows me as I celebrate her as a daughter and Mother,what especially delights me is watching her as a women.
But always seeing the child within.
Love you my sweet daughter..Many more memories and birthdays
Leave a comment..Thanks for reading

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Women and housework

Ok here it is for the ladies.Housework is a never ending battle.Just more to do while your busy working and raising children.
Housework in my view just gives women something to do.When your an older woman,you dust,vacuum,make a mess..so there is simply something to do.Looking busy and being busy are two completely different things.
Here are a few suggestions:
1)Hire a housekeeper-this will free up valuable time for you to indulge in what is really important.
2}Get everyone in the household to pitch in.delegate this way your not a doormat or a household slave.when money is tight
3)Every day do something to tackle the mess.
4)Keep visitors to a minimum.
5)Use paper plates and cups to cut down the dishes..invest in a good dishwasher.
6)Don't keep dishes piled up in the sink.
7)Don't procrastinate while you can do it today.
8)Enjoy each others company and take time for yourself the mess is not going anywhere.
9)Communication,family time.
10) above all else get out of the house.that way you change the focus.


Suggestions for older women
1) This is a great opportunity to full fill career aspirations.goals,relationships.
2) Hobbies,interact with others socially.
3) Ladies night out/in
4) Date nights with spouse/boyfriends
5) Downsize/simplify wants and needs.
6) Pets are great companions
7) Pamper yourself
8) Go shopping
9) Take care of your health exercise/diet
10)Be happy and smile when you wake up in the morning.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Moods and Money

Moods and Money seem to go hand in hand.Low moods when I don't have mad money to spend.High Moods when I can blow lots of money on all the behaviors,I love so much.
I have been wondering why saving money is not as much fun as spending it.
With the downturn in the economy,the mere fact of stretching a buck..does not appeal to me.but in lean times one must consider that tomorrow does come.Just like bills keep rolling in.Even with cutting back on monthly expenses,the abundance of money just isn't there.This also takes from my confidence that I normally appreciate,replaced with humble pie.
Moods are affected by money certainly they do have meds for that.
Just a few words today..even words don't flow when the cash isn't flowing.
How does money affect your mood.Post a comment.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Am I Bipolar?

Am I Bipolar,are you asking a question.
The probable yes statement is something you probably already are aware of.
Yet for some reason you don't want to admit it or seek help for fear of stigma and what others would think of you.
Rest assured there is not a normal soul in the world,all have there own dirty little secrets that others who in front of your face are kind and loving.Yet behind your back have nothing better to do with there life than to discuss your personal life.
This would normally send anyone into a bipolar frenzy.However I do understand its value and worth.It really means nothing what others think of you.Sure they can think they are better off than you but really who cares.What suits you may not suit me.The fact that you need some help along the way is nothing to be embarrassed about.
Just remember in asking for help the professionals are best suited.
People may think they know how you feel and what your going through.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Bipolar is an illness.The sooner treatment is started the better chance of recovery.
I'm just saying Thanks for reading and post a comment.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Mood Masking


In recovery we put on a brave face..making sure everyone thinks we are either stable.
or at least in between episodes.Bipolar is a roller coaster ride.That has no ending as this is a life long illness.
Mood masking comes in many forms,medications,alcohol and drugs.Behaviors that come at a change of mood.
Masking the moods of Bipolar are an attempt of covering what we are actually feeling.
Emotions can get in our way.We get angry outburst.We get overly passionate about an idea or creative or financial endeavor.We get consumed by the news of the day.
Overwhelmed by crowds and deadlines.
Sad by loss or are inability to do what once was second nature.
Masking the moods so others don't feel burdened by our illness.We can often push others away especially our loved ones.We can't bare to hurt them.
Moods of Bipolar come and go.The drinking and drugs may seem to mask the confusion.
Only to perpetrate and enhance mood swings.
Feeling have to be dealt with as they come.
Relapse will occur through the life span and duration of Bipolar illness.
The masking of moods in itself is challenging and tiresome.
Putting on a happy face,when we are depressed.
Controlling a manic episode when we are out of control.
Getting out of bed..when all we want is sleep.
Being strong..when we are weak.Being kind when we are indifferent.
Each episode of a Bipolar mood.Becomes stronger and longer.
We hide..We lie..
One thing I have learned is Moods change.......
Thanks for reading post a comment.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Is it going to happen?

This dullness,the absolutely hum drum of my today.I got up early.Pickering flea market was the first stop,after getting a Tim Horton's coffee.
The gambling part of my life is not profitable at the moment.It really makes me miserable.Not only while I am playing,but a win of 200.00 isn't money in my books.
It has been 6 months since I won anything substantial.Maybe it is not about winning or playing a game,that has been my claim to fame.
Money has always been a major motivator for me.I have not been motivated,nothing surprises me these days.The excitement of doing something new and different.At my age
there has to be something I haven't tried or done.
Is there?
Recreating the character,while maintaining the act.
The day is dull,the sun doesn't shine everyday.
I need writing material,work that can satisfy my hunger of expression.
The words more often than not..fall short.
I imagine everything I don't and can't have.
Saving money isn't as much fun as spending it.
I have to make a game of that.It is a game of numbers.
The one wih the most numbers wins.
I'll win and some lose.
That all for now.
Keep coming back.

Friday, April 23, 2010

The calm within

The calm within is a welcomed mood.Low mood maybe,following the high cycle which I was on for 2 months.
I still have to fill a precription that was given to me a month ago.
I really hesitate when it comes to meds,as I know certainly my moods and outcomes.
but with medications I can have unexpected side-effects,push to mania.
This sense of calm is wonderful.I am taking care of myself feeling somewhat settled.
This morning I had an hour walk,an hour massage,chiropractic treatment.My benefits are there to use, and I normally don't,

My spending was our of control due to the high mood of mania.Today I don't want to spend.
I really need to take into account that money doesn't grow on trees.That my generousity is not necessary.
Watching others live within there means and so minimally has given me a new prospective on my finances.

The calmness is mostly low mood I am sure..I will fill the precription today.
Have a great day! Leave a comment Thanks

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Parks and Trails

I started the day making appointments for chiropractor & massage,my body needs a tune-up of sorts.I enjoyed a 3 hour walk in the parks and trails of Malvern.
Each day I take a new direction when I am walking,I see things that normally I would just pass by when driving.I saw a man playing soccor with his kids. When I see a father playing with his children it warms my heart,and makes me smile.The kids looked like they where having fun too.

The park,by the public school had Memory to a child A Place of Rest. Inscripted in copper.
It was located just beneath the maple tree.

Then people, place and things....Rambling in quick & quite sequence through the meditation and mindful observance as well as a few regrets.

The dogs did some obdience training. Can`t people be like dogs so loyal,kind and loving.Even in the dog community you immediatly know one limitations as well has dominance Correction results into submission.

Music also plays in the park.I always loved the parks they bring a sense of solitude, a oneness with the nature and spirit.

In Celebration Of Earth day..When for one hour we are without light or indusry
I will be sitting at the board walk looking at the beauty of the lake and those that admire natures beauty..

One would have to equate the nature of people. All I can say is we certainly can learn a thing or two from what is nature. Human Nature.That is....

Name one element of nature,decribe the feeling at that moment.
Engage your five senses..If you can name them all.

Leave a comment....I appreciate your admiration and loyality

Monday, April 19, 2010

OK so I am not there yet?

Ok so I am not there yet? Where? I want to be, in the comfort of my purchased home.
In the mean time I am stopping at nothing.Sure I have been sidetracked,but nothing is going to hold me back.
Listen to every word I say! Not what your perceptions bring to mind.
Really some people got to win and some got to loose.
I woke up to a nasty voicemail. My not so loving daughter left it.
Sure: My reaction was utter hate,set me off to anyone or anything in the moment.
People call me,contact me,with hatred for there lives,I love my life.
Some people hate themselves,I love myself.
I don't need you,really do I even like you?
The point I am making is my days go beyond your perception or your level of comprehension.
Your where your at,cause really that is where you have chosen to be.
Good thing I have choices and I make them.
I may not be what you think or want me to be.
That is not any ones else decision and if your to busy wondering what I am up to or doing?
I am not there yet!
Susan post a comment thanks for reading.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The in betweens

I slept in the morning,Got up had a smoke looked at the sunshine.Thought to myself what a beautiful day.Then I thought this is the day the Lord haas made I will rejoice and be glad in it.Listening to reggae music and cooking some food. In the last few months although many disappointing experience have been about our family, It has been tough and really it has been that way for most people.We are not alone.
It show that in life although we all have peaks and valleys for Bipolar they are more intense.The in between days are welcomed and to be enjoyed.Well untill the shit hits the fan next time I will enjoy the day!

Friday, April 9, 2010

My new grandson was sent to heaven


The excitement of a new baby,all the preparation that goes into planning for the arrival of a new baby.My youngest daughters first child Jeremiah,was taken from us on his 34th day of life.The shock of a alert healthy baby boy,dead in his crib.
There are so many questions I have?
Why would God be so cruel is the first one?
Why would he break my daughters heart?
This was a planned pregnancy she really wanted to be a mother,she finished college in November,and looked forward to her new son and family.
Sunday morning we where to visit when we got this terrible news.
Words cannot express how I feel and to tell you the truth I am at a loss for words.
There are no possible words to console my daughter.
She is hurt,angry, and nothing I can do will take that away from her.
Her son Jeremiah was so cute,alert,smiled like he came to open our hearts.
The room was filled with all the baby needs,some of his clothes where bigger than he.
I told her he was dressed till five.My daughter made the right decisions in planning for his care.
My first funeral planning was for my grandson,was this God's plan to give then take away?
I am fully aware that this life we have is on borrowed time.he wasn't given a chance.
that was not our choice.
R.I.P my sweet angel,my grandson Jeremiah.
Sunrise Febuary 17 2010*****Sunset March 21 2010

Monday, March 8, 2010

Homelessness An inside look


If you have been following the blog, my faith journey into bipolar madness.
took me on the road into homelessness,I have been living at hotels,friends & family,
then a shelter.I had a few of my well intentioned friends tell me I can't afford this lifestyle.This doubter listened and after my hospital stint,I was discharged to a homeless shelter.First I ended up at one in the west-end, dinner was being served as the women lined up ,my dearest friend of 15 yrs worked there who is also the mother of my daughter's friend.I left as the embarrassment of what others would think was intolerable to me.
I made a few calls to the local homeless shelters,a list had been provided to me at the hospital.

Day 1 at the shelter, my observations.
Women ranging from young to old,trans genders.some wild some calm.
two-three women occupied a small room with lockers,beds,a dresser,a side table.
three levels of stairs that seemed overwhelming when carry all my bags.I really put a new meaning to bag lady.a washroom with stall like showers.T.V lounge equipped with flat screen T.V's and chairs scattered the large room.
Balconies that would have seating for the smokers.,the ashtray a can filled with butts.
A dining room which fed the city workers better than the homeless women.
Some days one would choose not to eat in the dining room with outbreaks of stomach flu.
Everyone in the shelter kept to themselves,it is an unwritten rule.
Upon entering the shelter there is an intake process,showers and all laundry must be done.
medications are locked up.distributed different times throughout the day.Curfew was 3:00 am.

Good thing for me was I fit right in,with the personality I have people were either scared of me,or open to my inquiries.
I am always on the look out for subject matter for my writings.
Now that I look back I am able to see why I couldn't sleep.
The ere sound of doors slamming,as to add volume echoes of the past.
A knock on the door startled me.I said hello?
The voice said,why are you making so much noise in there.I laid upon my bed the silence of the darkest night.I responded if you can hear me think than yes I am making noise.She said go to sleep.I couldn't help but think was someone really there?
I jumped from my bed,the irons gave way.No one could be seen,but her eminence left behind.
I slammed the door,just like I heard for the next 10 minutes,doors slamming,I stood in the hall leaning against the wall,the doors remained closed and the sounds left Sleep was a distant hope.
I was moved with emotion,first shock then panic.tears filled my eyes I began to hyper-ventilate.
Then I went for a smoke to calm my nerves,as well as nightly meds did the trick.
Jane was in her 50's a beauty in delicate terms her frail appearance,bulked by the coats she wore, we talked before as I really loved her coat.It was a white feather duvet that had a hole to fit her head through,she had hand stitched a brown pashmina to add to it's flare.

Jane offered me a few cigarettes,as I was running low.this doesn't usually happen people don't give there smokes away.she also asked me if a MacDonald's card would help.It was for 5:00 worth of food,her sheer kindness giving from nothing,seemed odd to me.Jane had told me her situation it was a way of survival,much like the way rats survive.not like a pampered housewife,her only decision in life was what she was going to change the color of her nail polish.It immediately hit me.I was pampered as I had been thinking about my nails all day.

I sat the good part of the early morning in the
donut shop,in my fluffy purple pajama's reading the newspaper,my glasses kept sliding off my nose into my search of apartments.I ate my breakfast as a gift from a friend.
With inadequate sleep,side-effects from the medications,made it seem all to daunting and confusing.
I began to walk,the wondering of up to 10hrs daily,an escape from the truth of what homelessness entails.
My quest for truth,was about to hit me in the face.I was sitting outside CAMH,a centre for Mental health and Addictions located on college st.approached by a few guys asking for a smoke.I gave two,from my newly opened pack.
One guy introduced himself as the new candidate for mayor,he had a mishap at the Scott mission and was waiting for the police.He was dressed the part suit & tie with a smile that made me unsure.
Then another guy was about to leave,I asked him to stay.His name was Oscar.he was well spoken,his appearance was a little scruffy,he was carrying a nap sac.I asked him what he does? He said he was homeless.
I laughed and said so am I.I am living at a women's shelter.Oscar and I spent the day together he introduced me to his friends some had addictions,some where alcoholics.
He told them I was a writer they gave me some good stuff.I am just checking in to see what condition,my condition was in.~Kenny Rogers
The part that stood out for me was these guys are funny,and articulate,but homeless
Oscar told me what his routine was daily,he got up around 7am,had breakfast,picked up cigarette buts,pan handled,went to the library,while we where at the library I helped him with confidence and a job search.all he really wished for was a job.
Oscar had said.he had been homeless for 30 yrs,although he came from a good well established family,they still remain in contact.
He really never considered the mental health aspect,of addictions.
as we where walking,it hit me after listening to this guy,homelessness was not an option of most it was a way of life.How dare I take this life as an experiment,how self imposed I was to come into this click of people that had so willingly taken me under there care,on the streets.
It felt like a slap on the face,I didn't need to be there.I was there.

Tim Horton's was a welcomed break from the bitter cold and rain.Even with the biggest of egos thinking I was coaching Oscar in a better direction.It was him in his modest way that taught me the value,of compassion & humility
That we are at home within.that spiritually I had work to do.His job was done for the day ministering to my broken spirit.we parted ways after a stop in a store,I had to get my granddaughter a birthday gift.we shared some laughs.He was going to the church for dinner.

I left the experience for a comfortable hotel suite.
My job was done,never take my life for granted.
looking at others in judgement was not my place.

Arnold did a list of pros vs cons of homelessness

Opportunity to spend time on my writings
homelessness provides space.
cuts costs
homelessness is a war within ones mind
Surrender to it.
having an open mind to opportunity throughout the day.

Con
who am I trying to impress?
I'm building this house in Toronto for me to live in.
where I am most comfortable.

Arnold's biggest question Why do I constantly accept homelessness as an answer or a means to an end?
where does this lead?

Thanks for reading share a comment,since your here!

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Bipolar A living example.

Living wih Bipolar,A living example.
Many Bipolars are dead as a result of suicide,drug overdoses.
Others are in hospitals,jails,institutions.
Sometimes I complain,and worry,but really I have to think most times how lucky am I.
To have an illness, I can live with.
It makes me think of the many people with Mental health and Addictions that are not living.
I have choices,unlike most.
I have freedom unlike most.
The freedom to choose, living a life with Bipolar.
Certainly,it is not conventional.
Surely it seems odd to most.
When we compare our life to others,we don`t see the struggles and triumphs.
Most are to ashamed to share this intimate part of their lives.
Until they have arrived at the goal of all that glitters.
or when they die their lives are somehow,glorified in our hearts.
The sheer nervousness in the pit of my stomach tells me,I am on the right track.
This journey of faith,living with Bipolar.
Thanks for reading and stopping by.
leave your comments I appreciate them.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Bipolar tips on keeping a man


Saturday is my 8th wedding anniversary.Considering I never thought I would be married.I loved being single.
I got married to someone who is patient,kind,generous,good-looking,funny,and he loves me,stands with me every step of the bipolar experience.Thank-you.

Here are a few tips to keep a man.

1) Keep it interesting,this works as bipolar don't even know what they are doing next,most of the time.

2) Mood swings seem to keep them on there toes,happy, sad,outgoing,introverted,sexy and crazy.Unpredictable moods swings work best.

3) Make sure he has a good source of income,this will help in the manic spending sprees.

4) A sense of humour helps, bipolar can make the simplest things complicated.
laughter will lighten the load.

5) Speaking of loads, bipolar hate housework during depressive state,while a world wind cleaning spell will look like we are moving again,or your leaving him.

6) Call him at work,sounds desperate.But he will come home directly with no diversions.

7) Make sure he drives,this will help him to deliver all your wants and needs.

8) Get a dog,this will keep him busy..while your wondering the streets.

9) Make sure his sleeping pattern is different than yours Bipolar up all night,this is when he gets to sleep.Sometimes

10)Make sure he doesn't drink or do drugs,cause living with bipolar there is not enough for two.

Consistent effort required on their part will ensure a happy man & marriage.

Please leave a comment thanks for dropping by!
Susan xo

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

News Alert of the Day

News alert of the day.Women sue Doctor for cutting off their tits...Oops they made a mistake? Where in the hell did they put those boobies brains, Anyways? Those damn Doctors.
Trusted friends,who needs enemies.
Now,I heard this after I checked out the side effects from the medication they gave me during my stay in hospital.I heard voices shit.could the Doctor that prescribed them to me,just uummm
mention it in her voice instead of the ones in my head.Geez it scared the gebbies out of me.
No wonder bipolar meds scared me straight before..now again.
They make mistakes,I am not a scientific experiment.
Please share any mishaps with your Doctor.
Thanks for dropping by.

Mental Health.A slippery slope.

Mental health,A slippery slope.
Intially one goes to the doctor with complaints of distress,crisis.Moods that seem disturbing,that one can't seem to shake.
We turn to the trusted professionals to ease our worry.
We are given a bag of mixed up pills and emotions.
We put our minds to rest that we will indeed be guided through diagnosis,with a treatment plan.
There is no mention of possible side-effects from these medications,the follow-up
is to increase or decrease add or take away.The pain.
Once initiated into the Mental Health system,The road to recovery seems no where in sight.
The information is documented,remaining a open file.
I can tell you with my experience what I share can and will be used against you.
Mental health diagnosis takes away ones rights and independance.
Soley relying apon a system that favors practioners rather than the ill.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Who's life is it anyways?

This is my life,bipolar and all.
Who's life is it anyways? MINE.
At 46 yrs of age I can and will make decisions which suit me.
Not what is going to make you seem justified&happy in your so called existence.
I know dealing with life on life's terms can be challenging,but we are given a hand of cards.and in the game keep your cards close to your chest,and a poker face.
If I was a movie star,or a celebrity I could put it all out there.
As this would enhance my character and popularity.
However I am I far from average,Bipolar is an illness.I get that!
Certainly in episodes,either depressive or manic one does do some bizarre things.
It is a part of who we are.
Honestly,for me your only as sick as your secrets.
I have none,I put it out to the universe,take it or leave it.
I was pondering a 20,000 sq ft rehab clinic that was for lease.It was previously the Board of trade centre,overlooking a golf course.
When Ruth returned my call for the inquiring for the leased building,she kindly said.
A rehab centre,would not be suitable for this location.
I was thinking that with taxpayers dollars,would be better served to open a facility.
A place that would ensure ones comfort,safety while in treatment.
I have seen what is available to those that struggle alone with Mental health and Addictions.
It is either locked facility in prison and hospitals.Pharmacology.
The other option is homelessness and shelters.
Out patient options for the housed and marginally impaired.

Monday, March 1, 2010

March 01 2010

The day started early,6am finally well rested getting out of bed at 9am.The comfort of a king size bed,the softness and warmth of the olive colored duvet,left me lingering for more.
I open the full length curtains,the brightness of the light blue sky,took me by a pleasant surprise.However my eyes needed to adjust.
Feeling the suns beams on my weary face.Made the start of the day seem bright.
I really want to write about the last two weeks,somehow it is deeper than I can face.
I took a two week break from media to engage in community,researching for my writings.
I can tell you I found more than I had bargained for.I can't wait to share it with you.
Surrounded by the luxuries of hotel living,interrupted by the knock on the door.
Do you need service today.the hardworking housekeeper asks.No thank-you,I replied
I am fine for today.
The silence of my mind and heart brings a sense of calm as I take a deep breath and exhale.
The reflection of the full length mirror over the desk,next to the flat screen panel Television,the phones are quite.
The dogs are basking in the suns beams,nestled together.They look so peaceful.
after a bubble bath.
I am off for a nap,hopefully that will stay that aged look in the mirror,while I eat the raw broccoli to rejuvenate the skin cells.
Sleep will help that to.
I think it is nap time

Friday, February 19, 2010

BIPOLAR MANIA

Hello Reader,
It has been a world wind week..a mania adventure..psychosis.
hmmm this is a new one for my rap sheet.wrap it all up into one. mixed mania.
what brought it on..lack of sleep,wondering around,not eating,displacement.a few beers..inhaling a few joints, yes I did in celebratory mode.I have been in hospital twice this week,a shelters as well,every imagineable and real counsellors to ensure my community care.I will blog more about the details of my goings and comings...as soon as I am able to focus.That is not easy right now.
Have you ever had mixed mania & psychosis.
Leave a comment and thoughts...

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Dark Depression

Dark depression... it's dungeon spares no one, no matter what one tries.
Once in its grasp.The anguish of despair.I did feel it coming surely I could use something from my self-care tool kit.No not this time,with thoughts of worthlessness
and why try so hard taking care of an illness that really, can I control it! or has its grip on me always remain.I for the first time was admitted to hospital on a form
which means I am to be monitored for 72 hours and accessed.The outcome the deadly dragon depression.
This is my experience,I was whisked away into a Mental health Crisis unit,8 other patients mostly men laying on a pull out chair,5-8 patients in confinement.5 nurses at the station and 3 security guards.1 phys doctor.I was escorted by a nurse to the short stay unit.I was not informed that it ws a locked unit.I was giving a series of blood work $ anal swaps.Interview with Psychiatrist asking repeated questions as she never looked at my file before asking to see me.which made me very angry.It really felt jail..
The patients where left to wander around aimlessly,until the line for meds.
15 minute breaks every 2 hours where permitted,and private belongs where locked up at the nurses station. They had given me a form to fill triggers, symptoms and crisis management.4 nursing staff at night they talked on their cell phones,played on the Internet ie face book e-mails and paperwork/lights out at 10pm.Staff actually slept in the staff room for 2 hours at which time,switched places with another staff
I was given nothing to sleep ie in the way of meds all I could do was lay in my bed.
watching my surroundings till I slept at 5am. I was wakend with more blood work.
Discharged.with my precription.
I'll write again soon Susan
It is getting more interesting as the moment passes
keep coming back.Please leave a comment thanks.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

A Valentine's Message.

This empty heart,bitter and cold.
A soul searching for an answer,which lies within.
A calmness of knowing I am loved.
Even when I am pushed and shoved.
This empty room,filled with gloom and doom.
Hungry to explore the passion of love.
A blank canvass fills my mind.
Remembering those so kind.
Each day I am lucky to find.
When I choose to leave it all behind.
I didn't think you would matter or mind.
when I think of you as I often do.
I am reminded to say I love you!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Sometimes you just gotta ask WTF?

Sometimes you just gotta ask WTF..It is 11am.I am living on borrowed time and money.
I am well freaking out as usually I can see myself out of anything.Nope not this one.
I can tell you I am in gear,but nothing else is?
I have been in some awkward postions in my 46 yrs of life.
But this one is really a test of faith.
When there is no money coming,in.When I get money it is already spoken for.
the bottom line is zero.How can anyone make something from nothing.Well I am ususally the very best at this.Nope not this time..Not yet anyways.
It makes me wonder..It makes me question my own abilities or lack of.
It makes me think how am going to manage when I am older.with not a hope in hell.
First caller of the day..I asked to bring me smoke and a coffee.
How could I make it through this day without them.
Made some cash one down a zillion to go..digging our from under
Thanks for reading how are you managing?
Please leave a comment.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Mental Health Bible?

An article caught my eye,in the Wall Street Journal.A Mental Health diagnostic Bible. Internet addiction,hoarding,temper tantrums.
It is an opportunity to produce more drugs,and expand uses for drugs presently used.
Temper tantrums in children,would curb use of pediatric bipolar in children.
Don`t say mental retardation the new term is intellectual disability.
The spectrum of mental illness would be mild to severe,thus reducing the numbers of people with Mental disorders.It is important to remember that diagnosis is very much part of ones diagnosis http://www.dsm5.org/.

Do the so called expert really think they can pull the wool over our eyes.
Bipolar has nothing to do with Mental retardation or intellectual disability.

If the next generation is going to have diagnosis of bipolar.especially if we can catch it early in children and our youth.

I would suggest to whom ever comes up with this crap take a few medications for your
obvious inability to show human concern and compassion for those that live and suffer from addictions and Mental illness daily.

Label yourselves the so called professionals,as the nutcrackers.
much more could be done rather than coming up with lists of mental illness and labels
for a human being.that has no control of these illness that are created.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Winter fun

Really is there such a thing as winter fun? I tend to draw the curtains,turn on the computer,the tv.On days like this,I want to keep warm and and have some fun.
It is almost 11;00am even the dogs are buried under the covers.
Here is the problem,I am finding everything I watch and hear on the media..Well it is depressing.Not good for someone who is struggling these winter months with depression
a mood disorder.
I feel nothing,completely numb..To the tragedies of the world.
Sure it saddens me with all the bad news..
The Good news is really what I need to hear,give me something to work with here.
Uplift my spirit,The good news is my newest grandson is due today.I am most certain he'll be late.It is a family trait.
He is probably warm and snug,right where he is.
I am almost finished my short story..completed by tonight.Thank goodness for deadlines.
I am spending most of this day..uplifting my spirit and those of others.
Good News is..Thought can change beliefs..
Experience:that most brutal teacher.But you can learn..My God do you learn.
I will spend more time reading my bible.My spirit tells me so.
thanks for reading comments are welcomed.

Good things I did today..
Had a bath,dressed, make-up on,did my hair.did my nails
Played with my dogs..in the snow.
Helped someone move some stuff.
listened to music.
Answered the phone.
Said hello to people I passed.
Took some photos
cleaned hotel suite
seeing girfriends later.
I think I need a drink?
Well I didn't drink..we played cards instead
laughed with my friends
Had a good dinner.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

In the depths of Bipolar Madness


In the depths of Bipolar Madness.One has to understand that first and foremost our illness controls us,we are not in control of it.Sure,there are plenty of things we can do to keep things in check.But I for one find myself letting things slide at times,mostly in the low moods of Bipolar.
Costly consequences for my actions or my illness.

It is 4:30 am.I slept soundly,awoke thinking and worrying of possible outcomes.
I have a calmness with agitation.What can I do,went to the lobby of the hotel to get creme for my coffee.I know,I shouldn't be having coffee,but I am having one anyways.
I light another cigarette,really how did I smoke a 1/2 a pack.already.

I watched Intervention last night,Watching T.V can trigger something an emotion.
This episode was about a guy hooked on Meth and Heroin pain killers.He lost his house,his families respect,daily he tried get rich quick schemes,sending all his disability money to Nigeria,in hopes of some financial millions to come his way.this would get everyone off his back.he would be back on track.

While I am watching this,I think this is a version of me.He was later diagnosed with Bipolar.

I have spent alot of money this year with little returns on gambling.
I continue to spend money,modestly however cause there is nothing left.
I spend my time dreaming of a writing,I am going to be an author.One of these days.
I work on different projects,in hopes one of them will materialize.

I pour myself a coffee,and light another smoke.I add sweetener as I have to watch my sugar intake,I don't want diabetes too.

I look around my hotel suite.puffing on my smoke.sipping my coffee.
when I logged in there was a comment from Betty who has a friend with Bipolar.She was looking and searching for answers to understanding Bipolar.
Betty found a book Bipolar bare my life~A Memoir was helpful.I will have to read this book.

Betty liked my blog.In my own quest for answers,Bipolar Madness is bigger than the both of us.I fight it,and struggle,at times I control it.
Up one day down the next.
I live it,I write about it.In hopes that you the reader will gain something from it all.That is just another whim of Bipolar Madness.

Thanks for dropping bye,please give me some feedback on this post!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Sunny days and Social fun


After a night working on my writings,filling my head with information overload.
I made the beds,cleaned up my suite.
Opened the curtains and windows to my delight,the sun was shining on me.
Got the dogs ready and off for our hour walk.While basking in the sunshine,all I could think was I am walking,it is sunny,makes for a good day for bipolar.
Then my girlfriend called,she is in the area and will be dropping by,perfect again for bipolar we tend to spend to much thinking anyways.Time for some social fun for this bipolar. Noon hour I am off to a good start.which makes me happy..so smile the sun shines on us,sometimes
Happy Monday Morning

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Bipolar solutions..I think


Living with bipolar is challenging on good days,living with bipolar on bad days well it's living with madness.
It does take time to learn,adjust everything that is the new you.
Yes sometimes we think of how we used to be.but really those days are gone forever.
Having had bipolar for 15yrs,many of those years where about denial of the illness.
left untreated.
The illness came to a head which means treatment resistant bipolar.
Hold on to your hat if your illness becomes like mine.
The solutions are so simple it really seems too easy.but on the bad days who feel like it,right?

1) Ask for help
2) talk or write about the feelings and thoughts.
3) go for a walk
4) add some social fun
5) meditate
6) eat well and drink plenty of water
7) sleep..really it's ok to sleep.
8) sunshine..even on winter days
9) tell yourself good things..Do good things for yourself.
10)get involved in your health and well-being YOU MATTER

Depending on your cycle of moods one has to adjust before an episode comes in and last for longer than 2 weeks.
If you can identify your own triggers,and mood symptoms you can adjust yourself accordingly.
For example..when agitation,mixed mood manic and depression occur.
optimize relaxation techniques.
when you feel hyper,shaky,angry full of energy,impulsive reduce stimulates ie coffee,media,people.
when you feel sad,negative self talk,isolated.push yourself go for a walk,meet up with a friend,treat yourself to something special.

I hope these tips help and please post a few of your own thanks

Saturday, February 6, 2010

This is it..

This is it,I am completely content and satisfied with that.I woke up in the afternoon.I am extremely calm.I went to the washroom,thinking I can't push myself more than my mind or body can co-operate.It really has a life of it's own.
What I feel is utter calm and content.The day after my period came.once the river of pain and blood took my body..the soul calmed itself funny how nature us.
I sleep, I eat.I am ok with that cause it really is all I can do.
My favorite so I am ok with doing just that......
aaaahhhhhh

Friday, February 5, 2010

Downtown Jackson Brown..

Really the action,the movers and the shakers are Downtown Toronto.
I need to be part of it, networking with others that have the in connections.I have been out of the loop for far to long.Time to get back in the game.
here is my plan.

1) Fashion make-over head to toe.
2) Go to 2 events per week.
3) Work until it hurts with pleasure
4) Secure a downtown location
5) Reconnect with contacts
6) Hire people to do the leg work
7) Enter 2 writing contest per month
8) Write,write,write
9) Sell sell sell
10 Never never never give up!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Locked up or locked down

I awoke from an early evening nap by a dream I was in prison.they where going to transfer me to penitentiary with no possibility for release. I had no money and no one to represent my case.

I have been in a sense under lock down,the freedom I so crave is not possible,the torment of my mind has me bound in fear and doubt.

The inability to make decisions,to make a decisive choice on which direction I am headed.from this perspective the possibilities seem impossible.


Another week of P.M.S during the week prior I am in low mood mode,sleeping and eating,and highly irritable like a raving maniac with no self-control.The week of bleeding like a slaughter pig,leaves me weak,disoriented,headaches,cramps.
This leaves me two good weeks a month.
Hormones,bipolar perimenopause,what a combination.everything is overwhelming.
worry about things I cannot do anything about.Every once of energy taken like a vacumn sucking the dirt from a soiled carpet.
The worst part is every one else see the disrupted behavioral changes.they even say it must be that time.P.M.S
I respond saying it's putting up with your shit,I want to head for the door or any exit available to escape the feeling I have having to deal with you.
Certainly,there must be something.I can do!
In the 1800's the doctors used vibrators to keep a women from going mad.
Maybe if I had vibrating underwear.I would be happy.Dealing with this time of life
is difficult for me.Just imagine how difficult it is for my loved ones.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Mornings

This morning I woke up at 4am,after a dream of a family get together in my new condo.
yes it was just a dream.The feeling however made me realize how much I miss my family.Yes they drive me nuts..at times.How dull things are without that though.Really I needed a break and I took it.also who wants a mother minding there full grown children's lives.I miss there laughter,there quick and responsive ways of communication.The looks in there eyes.I miss them and my grandchildren very much!
With the addition of a new grandson soon upon us.February 10th,My youngest daughters first child.it is a quite exciting time for all of us.
This morning I went for my hour walk,played with the dogs in the snow.I throw the ball and Luke brings it back.It is so cute,while Lucy cries cause she is cold.
I need to get closer to the family,closer to the city.
I will look for a solution as this just isn't working.
Right now.that's all for now please leave your comments

Monday, February 1, 2010

Writing my daily word count

I counted words tonight for my short story.I am writing for a competition.I love to win at challenges.1st prize is 5,000 cash and a 30 week program for writers at Humber College.
A published short story.
Recognition for published works and a prize appeals to me.
It also takes me away from the bipolar topic.Something of a different place,The Victorian Era.I enjoy talking about myself in character.Express my silent voice through spoken words is a vehicle worth exploring.disciplining myself to see the story through to conclusion.
Daily I write rest,pace think and repeat.The daily word count is beyond the racing thoughts of my brain.I pour the words in a flowing manner,thinking of life between the sheets.
I have to finish the first draft,I am 1/2 way there.counting the words.is better than memorizing in thought.
Thanks for taking action by reading.
leave a comment I really appreciate them

Sunday, January 31, 2010

A Dry Martini

I spent the day resting,eating good food,had good company,good music.The Grammy awards where fantastic.We are blessed with talent in our music industry.
Entertainment! finally.
This is Black History Month.On Febuary 4th @6pm.I am attending and meeting literary talent.The best in the business Mr.Austin Clarke.
A dry Martini,The older gentleman with dread locks & glasses orders from the bar at the Sutton Place Hotel. I asked him are they good? Mr Clarke responded have you ever tried it.He order one for me.A beautiful Martini glass with an olive at the bottom.
filled 1/4 from the top.I take a sip,make a face,puckered my lips.YUK!
I drank it all in one shot,Mr Clarke said,you're suppose to sip it.
He orders another,still wasn't my fancy.
I asked him what does he do? He said,I am a writer.
I told him I love to write and do it in my spare time.He said,we have a writers meeting here at the hotel every Saturday.why don't you come?
He writes his number on the back of the coaster from the drink.
I glance at the name.A few weeks went by I kept thinking I should go..but didn't.
Obviously busy doing other things.Well I am not doing anything but writing these days. Mr Austin Clarke is having a literary event at the Toronto Public Library.I will attend this time.I'll buy the Dry Martini.
Thanks for reading,Leave a comment

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Alone in a world so cold

Alone in a world so cold...The weather is freezing,I am alone today..very alone.
Today is a feeling of doubts and self pity.why do others get breaks.Why am I alone and indifferent.Why are my finances messed up,why do I have to watch every cent,go through my fingers
Why can I not see my granddaughter on her 12th birthday.
Why do people irritate the hell out of me.why do people have to be rude,and obnoxious.Why can't I finish what I start.Why does it seem God has forsaken me.
Why is that I have to do everything,yet I can't do anything.Why is that I want to loose weight,but still I am fat.Why is that I need clothes,but I throw everything away.Why do I smoke,when it's not good for my health.why do I spend money gambling,when I just can't win.
why do I write,does anyone read or even care what I have to say?
why is there such distance in my family,when I love them so much.
why is my heart aching for all that I don't have.
Why do my tears fall,when I try to answer my call.
why does the phone ring,with unwanted inquiries.
Just why Am I alone in a world so cold.
Thanks for reading.Please post a comment

Friday, January 29, 2010

Blog is undergoing changes

Bipolar love to change,when I make changes to my blog.It requires time,color,creative process.Yes technical skills.
Bipolar brain does not compute,specially when I really need it to.
This blog appearance is temporary as soon as the brain and skills come together,
I'll have it fixed.
Thanks

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Bipolar Head Trauma

Hi there,Welcome back

I just want to start this post,with some encouragement yes everyone knows so much it seems about bipolar these days.The so called experts.I can tell you I have become an expert on the illness as I have walked in the shoes.step by step,day by day.
Truly for my own recovery,most of it was trial and error,what works for me,what doesn't.15 yrs of the onset of depression,then bipolar,which finally acute rapid-cycling bipolar.there are stages of bipolar and it is a progressive illness.
However,I can say through the pasy 8yrs of research on the topic of bipolar.Many questions arise.I needed to get answers.Just when I think I have it figured out something new is revealed to me.good thing it's progressive as everyday is a learning opportunity.

Bipolar and Head Trauma.
I was thinking before sleep last night,can Bipolar start with a head trauma?
Googled and to much surprise yes it can.
What troubled me was the fact as many doctor as I have seen no one ever explored this
with me.
head trauma at birth,or car accident can result in genetic dormant bipolar.
With onset of bipolar,2-8 yrs following.
The fact that no one takes this into consideration is bothersome.
Bipolar is a brain disease.Insurance companies would be required to pay,if indeed a persons life was destroyed as a result of illness.
lets just give them a meager monthly wage in disability.rather than a payment for the initial head trauma,which can result in bipolar illness,and other forms of mental illness.
I am going to explore this option further,with the mental health and addiction team.
at the hospital.
I would be interested to hear from you! Have you ever fallen,been in a car accident,
beaten on the head,or had a problematic birth.
suffered concussion from the head trauma?
With Mental illness onset many years after the head trauma.this is worth exploring for future Bipolar Patients
Thanks for reading and participating

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Living on a Prayer

Living on a prayer..Our faith is tested when we have to overcome challenges with little or no resources.
Faith is seeing the belief of something that can't be seen.
It can be applied to one's spirituality,circumstance,overcoming Mental Health and addictions, finances.
This leads me to one's own reality,it there something your believing in today?
yet have seen the fruits of your faith?
When preparation meets destiny..will it happen for me? and you?
Reality as it exist at this very moment.It makes me question what the hell am I really doing? exactly this.I live in a hotel.I write.I walk.I eat.I think.I breathe.
I sleep.I read.I meditate.
The addict in me wants everything instantly.gratification immediate.NOW
I smoke,it is awaking to me,that I can always find a way to supply my needs and wants for my addictions.
If one day I can't there is always hell to pay for others.and myself the torment of withdrawal.
Withdrawing from life is quite simple you close the door behind you.
However to engage in addictive behaviors,yes they are a result of mental health.
To the addict nothing good is quite good enough,but if it is bad for us,the badder the better right.
My father always said the good the bad and the ugly.
The ugly is I am demanding,controlling,and can be very mean when I don't get my way.
I manipulate everything and everyone to suit my needs and wants.
I yell, I scream, I am stronger than the weak and vulnerable.
Life has taught me this.My life
day after day,one by one.
Thanks for reading Post a comment

Thursday, January 21, 2010

The Midnightmatters Project

Developing my own style of writing,a unique prospective on Mental Health and Addictions,creating a platform in which to deliver my message.
Midnight matters is the essence in which I create.I work best in the midnight hours.
The silence of the room,allows for my mind to be a playground.
Having viewed the world around me,looking for clues of inspiration as the day unfolds.
The signs,the wonders that fuel my soul.
The darkest of nights await the dawn.
The connections I make with others,form friendships built on value and trust.
The midnight matters a time for engaging others to challenge their thought processes,
to understand the importance of choice in recovery.
The insight of voice for those that continue to suffer in silence and isolation.
The words are a powerful strategy to teach,inform,support those affected by Mental Health and Addictions.
What drives me in this project?
Many I have known and loved didn't have a chance or choice in their experience with Mental Health and Addiction.Precious life is claimed by suicide,drug overdoses,alcohol related deaths,abuse of self and others which greatly affects the family as a whole.
Poverty,the mode of basic survival.
A life often known..without available options or resources
This project,I have been working on for 2 years.However I have come to the conclusion that my platform needs to be concise with attainable goals
The writing part of the project is to have articles and a book written for publication.public engagements.

Life is about timing,The unreachable,becomes reachable.The unavailable,available.
The unattainable,attainable.Be patient,wait it out.It's all about timing
~Stacey Charter

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Bipolar days of nothing.

Bipolar days are high lows..somewhere in between,never really knowing one moment to the next what mood we will be in,Days of nothing but gloom and doom can be the darkest of moments.Self-doubts,intrusive thoughts,everything around us seems impossible even ourselves.We isolate,cause really who would want to see us like this,or even want to be around us? Curtains drawn,lifeless feelings and loss of energy.It can hit for no apparent reason.It is just one of those days,but when one of those days turns into weeks and months..Manic Depression is the illness.Bipolar to me,are the cycles.
Winston Churchill called it the Black Dog,Many of us don't even like the description of depression.I am included I rarely mention the D word,I call them low moods.
To many of us,Depression is a sign of lost hope,it is more than a feeling,It really is a big part of who we are,what we have become.Everyday,every moment is a struggle.
Simple daily tasks,like waking up,getting out of bed,getting dressed,answering the phone,talking to a single soul in the area in which we are.
Connecting with others, keeping a schedule,preforming our work, are during these times impossible tasks..Never mind things like housework,cooking,bill payments.
The darkness of day,reaches our soul..The loneliness even in a crowd of happy faces.
In this place,we are comfortable.There is no challenge in living day to day depressed.However doing something to get of that dark place is..
Here are a few tips that work for me.

1) GET UP!
2) Get moving
3) Make my bed
4) Eat something of nutritional value vegetables or low sugar fruit
5) Writing,keeping a mood journal,creative writing,goals of 5 things check them off when completed,not all in one day.
6) Go for a walk,start with 15 minutes..each day add 10 minutes.till you are walking an hour each day..the sunshine is wonderful for depressed people,and say hello to others as you pass them by,start a conversation..
7)Prayer and meditation ask for help
I have been a spiritual person,since a young girl,I pray daily and read my bible.
Mindful meditation is a quite place with no thoughts..check out how to do it on-line.
8)Each day I have fun,at times I really have to force my self.I smile and practice
cause a depressed person,doesn't smile much..laughter is natures best medicine.
I try to be with happy people,it does rub off.adding 1 hour of social a few times a week..start and get involved
9)Talk on the phone..there are a few people I can talk to,friends that will call me as I am not calling anyone when I am depressed..I make sure to answer the phone..
I talk about them,an event..just not about me..Getting out of myself is good to.
10)Have a bath..it relaxes me..with bubbles
11) Read a book a few chapters at a time..I focus on what I am reading rather than drifting away in my thoughts.
12)Sleep..I know many of us sleep to much and feel guilty about it..sleep is a benefit to depression.
13)Be good to myself..ie) do my hair,get my nails done,a new piece of clothing,
a little pampering goes a long way
14)feel the feelings..go through
15)when all my efforts no longer improve my mood state..and mood last longer than 2 weeks..I have a visit to the Dr's..He always has great suggestions
Managing the illness..takes work daily.
Sometimes doing nothing is OK to.
Thanks for reading leave a comment or suggestion

Monday, January 18, 2010

Bipolar dwelling..getting on with life..It is for the living

It is Monday,after a great week-end after putting health and work aside.I had fun!
Friday it started with a girlfriend,coming by purely a coincidence as she didn't know where I was at.I was going to get smoke and there she was in her vehicle.I laughed and she took me to the store.I have been in seclusion for awhile now.
I went out for an evening of gambling and social fun.
Saturday morning the phone rings it is a girlfriend could barely say hello the door knocks it's my buddy Coco.she comes in I ask my other girlfriend if I can call her later.Coco says get ready we are going for breakfast.I was preparing myself a dish of vegetables,quickly left it behind,combed my hair off we went.we ate,laughed just as we always do.
after we took the dogs for a run.
Sunday morning we waited for my grandson,both daughters arrived with my grand kids in the back it was a quick visit,but nice to see them,even better that they where going to church.My youngest daughter is expecting her first child,she is due February 10th.
very exciting time for the family.
We left to go to the Air Canada center to see the Raptors game vs the mavericks.
it was exciting,fun,not to mention Chris bosh rocks it for the Raptors,I took lots of pictures.we all had fun,it was nice to see my grandson smiling,me to for that matter.
I went to look at a house,that was advertised by a business executive.what a dump by my standards it amazes me how people choose to live.I love my life.
I live for the moments that make up each day.I had quite a few special moments that had nothing to with bipolar moments life is for the living.
Please leave a comment

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Doctors Voice

The Doctors voice in Mental health & Addictions treatment is an essential first step.
A general practitioner can refer to a phychiatrist.I know this can be intimidating at first,to ask for help.there could be awaiting list for assessment when your not in crisis.Be persistent
Another important piece of the puzzle is to be consistent and remain with the same doctor over the years of treatment and management of the illness.The doctor is a professional voice in treatment,he monitors your progress and setbacks,The illness left untreated is a progressive illness that gets worse over time.
Treatment,begins with medications.In or out patient basis when in crisis.weekly visits.The details in which you discuss with the doctor are vital. Family history.To keep track of moods a mood chart is beneficial as we often can't remember one day to the next,while medicated.
If street drugs or alcohol,caffeine are being used and in what quantities,our diets,our sleep patterns sleep/awake cycle.
Not to mention are over all health,thyroid,hormones,sugar levels,any other underlying health issues should be disclosed with the Doctor.
A Doctors view is not to place judgement,but to plan a treatment that is best suitable for your individual needs.
To commonly,in the 15 minutes of your appointment you can feel rushed and forget to mention what was on your mind.plan ahead for your visit write down a few key questions and keep it with your mood journal.
I know for me getting out of bed was the hardest part,often I would miss scheduled visits.They understood and would book another appointment,it took awhile until I could meet these appointments willingly.
I often didn't like what the Doctor had to say.An illness,lifestyle changes.It was overwhelming,not to mention I felt very much alone.
It not like at that time I was willing to tell the world I had the makings of a madwomen.
I really liked my doctor,not to mention he was very handsome and smart.I have had the same doctor for 6yrs.
He would tell me the goal is to shorten the length of episodes,and the duration.
To change my sleep/wake pattern
To exercise.
add sunlight to my day
my diet consisted mostly of sugary sweets,chocolate and carbs,coffee
He wanted me to eat vegetables and fruit,drink water.
I can tell you I was furious with this adorable doctor,thinking he had officially
turned into a quack,his requests where unreasonable and impossible.
I can tell you..he was right.
Even if we think we are cured,at times we will think so.moods are improved,we are doing the job called life.every once in awhile during the maintenance of treatment we need the Doctors voice.
Thanks for reading.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

The Bitter Cold of Bipolar

January 9 2010

The morning started at 3am,full of promise for the day.I did my on-line work.A thought came.I must get out and about today even if it hurt.I have been couped up due to a bad knee.I showered and dressed,yes today is the day.I was motivated and raring with unusual energy.My husband looks up from his pillow beneath his head.says what are you doing.I resounded quite loudly we are going out,he looks at the clock on the side table,it's only 4:00am.never mind get ready and lets go.
Where to he asks,I don't know we will figure that out while driving.I asked him to stop for coffee.I go into Tim Horton's,with a big smile and make my order.
aahh I love a morning coffee,even if It makes me manic.We sit in the cold car barely heated,the music is playing.I was just happy to get out,Where to,he asks
lets just drive.he says I have to go to work at 6am,I said I was fully aware but there are a few things we need to do? like what?Go to the bank,breakfast,then take the dogs to day care.not much is open at this time of day Susan.
We drove,I was looking at the Christmas lights,people waiting at bus stops,thinking I love my life.at least I don't have to go work for a meager wage,waiting for the bus at 4 in the morning,in the darkness of a cold bitter night.

We killed some time till 7am,the daycare was open,hubby dropped them off before his day of work.all I could think was I am free.Time to myself.time stood still,while the inspirations for the day,the possibilities came to mind.

I heard a knock at the door,it was housekeeping.I love my life I boast.I grabbed my coat,told her I am leaving for the day.she smiles

I enter the restaurant,looking around the dining area was filled with men having breakfast either with co-workers or alone.The waitress poured my coffee,took my order of 2 eggs over easy,bacon and brown toast, set the morning Toronto Sun on the table.I read the news,and my horoscope.

I stood at the doorway of the hotel,thinking to myself now what? what direction should I go as I headed towards Dixie,the sun was shining,but the bitter gusts of cold wind.blowing make me think,just get a cab.not one in sight so with one foot in front of the other I kept going.I walked for a half hour,decided to stop at the bus stop thinking of homeless people,the others that have to wait for the next bus.Really what was I doing I had a choice I went into the Tim Horton's,finally some warmth got a coffee.asked the service guy to order me a cab.

While I was waiting for the cab,A young tall blond haired Guy in his 20's start to tell me how his life is all messed up,he just got out of jail.I gave him the change from my pocket and said to him he is young enough to turn it around.imagine being old and fucked up.He said have a good day,Suzanne.he must have over heard the guy when he was calling the cab.I had given him my name.

Once in the cab I was cheerful,and talked abit to the cabby,said I was just going to Dundas.once there I had some to kill.so I looked through the store called value village,I am starting to like just looking at other peoples junk.and well the prices are unbeatable.

Once I finished my smoke,I went to change my nail polish to a burnt red to match the turtle neck I was wearing.I looked at the reflection of myself in the mirror.
warm and bundled,however not the most fashionable.

By the end of the day,I just wanted to get back to the hotel suite,have an infused jacuzzi bath,with coconut and wild berries,it was scrumptious as the jets energized my muscles,the hot water slowly defrosted my body and mind.

Back to my Life that I love!

Thanks for reading Post a comment!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I made my bed,doesn't mean I have to lay in it.

January 6 2010

I made my bed,this morning.I love the feeling of getting into bed.Crispness of the sheets,the warmth of the blankets piled high,the softness of fur brushing against my chin.maximized by the dogs cuddled in close.
however comforting this feels,I don't have to lie in it.

I was motivated today,I made the bed elusively pondering the mission for today.
I was making list of all the things I love,photography.I exchanged the batteries from the converter to my digital camera.prepared the dogs, ready with wagging tails of excitement and much cor horsing from Luke,he sat at the side of the desk with a look in his eyes,his front paws on the desk,as to say close down face book,lets go out and play in the snow.My other dog Lucy sat comfortably on the chair.on a pile of newspapers.dressed in a turtleneck and coat.she seemed quite content in her comfort.

I took some pictures of the snow topped trees,the ground whiten with sheets of white snow.I had to get a glimpse of the look I had today,a black hat,the faux fur coat,a made up face.every hair in place.captured the moment.

We approach the front door,Luke is eager to play and romp,Lucy loosens her leash away from my grasp.
her little body bolts for the front door I called her back to play,she was gone peeks her head around the corner of the brick wall.Luke and I make our way back.Lucy is scratching at the door.As to say enough of this.

I was waiting for the phone to ring, I made some calls earlier,It seems all are still in holiday mode.It certainly doesn't seem to be business as usual.

Love is not irritable,with things that can come each day in any relationship,the challenge is to meet the needs and love the unlovable.

I had worked on some solutions with a loved one for our reactions that can be irrational.To rather react in more loving ways.

I made my bed,today I did't have to lie in it.I did something about it.
the outcome was better than I anticipated.back to bed.I did my part now I can lay in it.lifes simplicities that I love
What do you love?
Thanks for reading.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Love and Happiness is Bipolar

Love and Happiness is bipolar.Have you ever looked at your loved ones,and thought to yourself they are nuts? they talk way to much? finding fault with everything in you and vise versa.
They call us Bipolar exactly what are they?
Our loved ones, We in turn react to them not out of love,but rash and irritable,unable to communicate our feelings,it is their tough luck we murmur under our breath.Every action ,has a reaction.Is your reaction to them loving? or irritable.I know mine is irritable.wake me of from a sound sleep,I'll rip your head off.say something I don't like well I am furious for days.
Love is not irritable.
I am also challenged this Month by the Love Dare by Huntley street.The first day was thought fullness.We had to do something thoughtful for our partner,and in turn they did something thoughtful,discussing each later in the evening.It was nice to receive something without demanding it.

Happiness,This a topic I have been working on,since I discovered the happiness Project.Certainly this is an achievable goal.some days are better than most.
When am I happy,when things go my way..usually.when I feel like a winner.
Happiness is laughter,joy,accomplishing,doing what matters to me.but life doesn't seem to work that way now does it?
Happiness is interrupted by people,situations and circumstances mostly by my reactions to them.Happiness is a choice,but in Mental illness or Addictions really is their much to be happy about?
Is it merely an excusable existence of misery.
I made a list of what makes me happy.at first I couldn't think of much,but I did muster up sunshine and walking,with -26 degrees and lots of snow,we'll there goes happiness.Right? wrong
Here is a practical example of the first day of the Happiness Project.
It had occured to me when I do what I love,I am happy
I was awake most of the night,thought I should crawl into bed at 8am,let me check my messages.I did however my phone had been disconnected,I was furious at Fido!
I was suppose to pay the bill on the 2nd which I failed to do.
The customer service rep asked me the usual identification questions,put me on hold,said thank-you for your patience,Really,I yelled I need to talk to a supervisor
within 2 minutes and don't put me on hold again.To my surprise a supervisor came,said she would not charge me the $25 re-connection fee and would put my phone on immediately.Results occur when I am a raving Bipolar Mad women.I said thank-you and hung up.But remember this is my first day of the happiness project,not a good start.

I did laugh about later,after talking to my girlfriend she said.I wish I could be like you and get results when dealing with bill companies.

I heard a women was running a detox place for sobered alcoholics,but had to turn them away due to lack of money.
I pledge 20.00 to this women and made 150.00 an hour later.

Dogs went to daycare,which make them happy as well as myself.
Money also makes me happy but with the holiday season,it a little scarce at the moment.Through the rest of the day I had similar thoughts of why do people irritate me so much and steal my joy.
is it my reaction.that steals my happiness could be..more work to do!
Doing things I love,what a concept it is that easy isn't it?
thanks for reading post a comment or suggestions
Could you dare to be in love and happy

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Women's Mental Health


















Women are at greater risk for interpersonal victimization,including childhood abuse.
Substance abuse often occurs as a result of abuse.
Women's mental Health cannot be achieved without equal access to basic rights,education,safety,income security,housing.
non drug alternatives that address emotional distress in women,nutrition,exercise,employment,phychotherapy,education.
Indicators of health..not just illness.
Women have different mental health requirements than men.
Women are caregivers for children and family.Stress in most areas of ones life can trigger Mental Health decline or a family history of mental health issues
Bipolar and depression are often self-medicated through drugs and alcohol or acting out behaviors.sex,shopping gambling,internet.
Support are often unavailable to those with Mental health issues or treatment is often not discussed either from fear ,stigma of what others will think.or how mental health will affect the family unit.
The most frequent help course of a action when a women goes into her doctor in crisis describes her inability to cope,emotions which are overwhelming,diagnosed then sent home with perceptions.that is the amount of support given to women with mental health issues maybe weekly visits on-going care to evaluate medications

Upon diagnosis one has to crawl before they can walk,either mental health and addictions have been a way of life,or early detection is clear to the one that enters the recovery process.

When I was figuring this whole new world I had been faced with.I went from one crisis to another with periods of stability.The onset was when I finally made a decision that made me admit to myself something was not right in my lifestyle choices,that I wanted something different for my children, that I had known all my life,that this chain of family history could and would be broken had I sought.

Many emotions flooded upon the first step,like a crying baby,shaking all over,the realization of what I had become?

The anger & frustration,visits to Dr's,hospitals,but through it was the isolation
I kept it that way,my dirty little secret.

I began public speaking about the process of recovery,still celebrating with a beer at the end of each month sober.

It took be 18 months to get a one year chip from AA,that was a year from denial.
walking by the beer store was easier when it was closed.but when it was open I got the shakes,sweats,anxiety.

All my drinking friends,the life of the party,lifestyle well it all came to a halt.
sending me straight to depression.

The fog of alcoholism and depression lifted which really took a few more years.
and a 12 step program,my higher power giving up and surrendering of my own will.

Not an easy task for a proud,do it my way,kind of character.

I had neglected the period of depression,I took many anti-depressants,through out these periods of my life,Prozac sent me straight to detox as I drank alcohol,I was not warned of the effects.

Wellbrutrin was always a lift from utter despair which lasted weeks, months.that and B12 shots

Antidepressant where no longer giving me that lift,I was not drinking.still something was not right up down and all around on my thoughts and behaviors.

Walked into my GP's office told him how I was feeling,He said I was bipolar.
ok now I am alcoholic and Bipolar I am not mad...I am angry.

looked at him and started to cry,holding back the tears I said I need proof he asked a few questions,with his DR book and I was Bipolar right there in black and white print.

I slammed the door behind me with more perception's & prescriptions in hand,I was furious,I walked home after falling asleep in a field,on a summer day thinking why me?

Why me? Pour me another drink.I'd rather be drunk than face the fact I was now crazy?

stay tune the fun begins
Crazy me!
Post comments,thoughts,feelings
Thanks for checking out the blog.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Come to my rescue advice for the rescuer in Bipolar addictions

I am addressing the needs of the rescuer of those with Bipolar addictions.
You could be a friend,a spouse,mother,father,daughter,son,therapist,doctor.
This very moment your thinking of ways to help,the addicted bipolar before it gets out of control.
If your at this point,it's way out of control.Just admit it to yourself.
The reason for this Blog post is to address your need to help or rescue?
Does it come from your childhood? Or have you never received help when you needed it the most?
Do you yourself come from abuse or neglect.are you a child of an addict or alcoholic?
The fact that your reading this and may have answered yes to one or more of my questions?
You can't help yourself much less the bipolar addict.So my suggestion to you stop trying to save them and save yourself first.
The only real approach to helping anyone is by helping yourself,walking the walk.
The do as I say approach will not work with bipolar addicts.I'm sure more than once they have told you where to go..in not so nice terms.
The only reason they are in this sort of I need you relationship is to meet the need.
Another form of addiction.enabling.
If just for once you let the individual run there own life,their own illness.only then will they first and for most ADMIT..TAKE RESPONSIBILITY,DECIDE..
to either change, seek help(professional),working on their own road to recovery.It is different for each of us,some never make the choice.You will need to address your own issue ie AL anon,addictions,AA,spirituality,church, are a few suggestions for your own health and well-being and if you have a calling for such work.then get involved.
Your life is not your project..it's Gods project John O

Nothing is ever the way it is suppose to be..Everything is the way it is~Shiuki

Knowing others is wisdom..Knowing self is enlightment

Hope this helps
please post a comment

Friday, January 1, 2010

The Best Bipolar Blog 2010

I just did a google search of bipolar blogs,mine was know where to be found.
I have been working diligently on my writings for a year.
We all need some recognition for our labours.Don't we?
My primary purpose is to carry the message to those that still suffer.
The goal of last year was to write daily,give support,create my audience.
The goal for this year is to widen my scope,write by best seller,The best bipolar blog of 2010
Steps to take to meet this goal.network within the bipolar community,finish a complete draft of my book for publishing by August 13 2010.my birthday!
To meet these goals things I have to do to get going..Organize and plan content for the book,and blog...make a brand for my ministry.bring it all together.
The benefits of not complaining each day, work has to be done,complain about anything that occurs each day in this faith journey is not an option.the benefits will far out weigh any fault or complaints I or my thoughts can muster.

Dancing my way to 2010

January 01 2010
The first day of a new decade.That is in itself pretty exciting.In my celebratory state last night I was dancing and jumping around.I hurt my knee.with a few glasses of champagne I hardly even noticed till this first day of the year.morning
Today I got up to go into the bathroom before hitting the floor.I thought hhmm this is strange I can no longer deny the fact I am getting older.The dogs came to lick my face they seemed concerned.I had to wake up mister wonderful.to help me off the floor.
went back to sleep as it is pretty obvious I am not mobile.
This walking together idea is pretty hard when you can't walk..God does have a sense of humour..really in the pain all I could do was laugh.
The benefits..of a bad knee I got served apon all day..The rent for living is to serve. Serve me..is my 2010 new motto
Let see what tomorrow brings..ooops did I just say that??
Happy New years to you thanks for joining me in the walk..
When we stand up!
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The reason of all reasons

A blog dedicated to strength,courage and hope.
Mental Illness and addictions is a disease,it should be treated as such recovery is possible.
My goal is to carry the message to those that still suffer that you will not have to be in isolation. be free my friend at last.
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