midnightmatters

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Toronto, Ontario, Canada
This Blog is not for the faint of heart,my direct approach is to address the importance of lifestyle choices.. education and awareness.the story will unfold Midnight matters ..days just slip away..and nights get longer writing has been a passion of mine now I share it with my audience. sharing my stength.hope,faith Everything in between Thanks for visiting come back soon!

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Friday, February 19, 2010

BIPOLAR MANIA

Hello Reader,
It has been a world wind week..a mania adventure..psychosis.
hmmm this is a new one for my rap sheet.wrap it all up into one. mixed mania.
what brought it on..lack of sleep,wondering around,not eating,displacement.a few beers..inhaling a few joints, yes I did in celebratory mode.I have been in hospital twice this week,a shelters as well,every imagineable and real counsellors to ensure my community care.I will blog more about the details of my goings and comings...as soon as I am able to focus.That is not easy right now.
Have you ever had mixed mania & psychosis.
Leave a comment and thoughts...

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Dark Depression

Dark depression... it's dungeon spares no one, no matter what one tries.
Once in its grasp.The anguish of despair.I did feel it coming surely I could use something from my self-care tool kit.No not this time,with thoughts of worthlessness
and why try so hard taking care of an illness that really, can I control it! or has its grip on me always remain.I for the first time was admitted to hospital on a form
which means I am to be monitored for 72 hours and accessed.The outcome the deadly dragon depression.
This is my experience,I was whisked away into a Mental health Crisis unit,8 other patients mostly men laying on a pull out chair,5-8 patients in confinement.5 nurses at the station and 3 security guards.1 phys doctor.I was escorted by a nurse to the short stay unit.I was not informed that it ws a locked unit.I was giving a series of blood work $ anal swaps.Interview with Psychiatrist asking repeated questions as she never looked at my file before asking to see me.which made me very angry.It really felt jail..
The patients where left to wander around aimlessly,until the line for meds.
15 minute breaks every 2 hours where permitted,and private belongs where locked up at the nurses station. They had given me a form to fill triggers, symptoms and crisis management.4 nursing staff at night they talked on their cell phones,played on the Internet ie face book e-mails and paperwork/lights out at 10pm.Staff actually slept in the staff room for 2 hours at which time,switched places with another staff
I was given nothing to sleep ie in the way of meds all I could do was lay in my bed.
watching my surroundings till I slept at 5am. I was wakend with more blood work.
Discharged.with my precription.
I'll write again soon Susan
It is getting more interesting as the moment passes
keep coming back.Please leave a comment thanks.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

A Valentine's Message.

This empty heart,bitter and cold.
A soul searching for an answer,which lies within.
A calmness of knowing I am loved.
Even when I am pushed and shoved.
This empty room,filled with gloom and doom.
Hungry to explore the passion of love.
A blank canvass fills my mind.
Remembering those so kind.
Each day I am lucky to find.
When I choose to leave it all behind.
I didn't think you would matter or mind.
when I think of you as I often do.
I am reminded to say I love you!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Sometimes you just gotta ask WTF?

Sometimes you just gotta ask WTF..It is 11am.I am living on borrowed time and money.
I am well freaking out as usually I can see myself out of anything.Nope not this one.
I can tell you I am in gear,but nothing else is?
I have been in some awkward postions in my 46 yrs of life.
But this one is really a test of faith.
When there is no money coming,in.When I get money it is already spoken for.
the bottom line is zero.How can anyone make something from nothing.Well I am ususally the very best at this.Nope not this time..Not yet anyways.
It makes me wonder..It makes me question my own abilities or lack of.
It makes me think how am going to manage when I am older.with not a hope in hell.
First caller of the day..I asked to bring me smoke and a coffee.
How could I make it through this day without them.
Made some cash one down a zillion to go..digging our from under
Thanks for reading how are you managing?
Please leave a comment.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Mental Health Bible?

An article caught my eye,in the Wall Street Journal.A Mental Health diagnostic Bible. Internet addiction,hoarding,temper tantrums.
It is an opportunity to produce more drugs,and expand uses for drugs presently used.
Temper tantrums in children,would curb use of pediatric bipolar in children.
Don`t say mental retardation the new term is intellectual disability.
The spectrum of mental illness would be mild to severe,thus reducing the numbers of people with Mental disorders.It is important to remember that diagnosis is very much part of ones diagnosis http://www.dsm5.org/.

Do the so called expert really think they can pull the wool over our eyes.
Bipolar has nothing to do with Mental retardation or intellectual disability.

If the next generation is going to have diagnosis of bipolar.especially if we can catch it early in children and our youth.

I would suggest to whom ever comes up with this crap take a few medications for your
obvious inability to show human concern and compassion for those that live and suffer from addictions and Mental illness daily.

Label yourselves the so called professionals,as the nutcrackers.
much more could be done rather than coming up with lists of mental illness and labels
for a human being.that has no control of these illness that are created.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Winter fun

Really is there such a thing as winter fun? I tend to draw the curtains,turn on the computer,the tv.On days like this,I want to keep warm and and have some fun.
It is almost 11;00am even the dogs are buried under the covers.
Here is the problem,I am finding everything I watch and hear on the media..Well it is depressing.Not good for someone who is struggling these winter months with depression
a mood disorder.
I feel nothing,completely numb..To the tragedies of the world.
Sure it saddens me with all the bad news..
The Good news is really what I need to hear,give me something to work with here.
Uplift my spirit,The good news is my newest grandson is due today.I am most certain he'll be late.It is a family trait.
He is probably warm and snug,right where he is.
I am almost finished my short story..completed by tonight.Thank goodness for deadlines.
I am spending most of this day..uplifting my spirit and those of others.
Good News is..Thought can change beliefs..
Experience:that most brutal teacher.But you can learn..My God do you learn.
I will spend more time reading my bible.My spirit tells me so.
thanks for reading comments are welcomed.

Good things I did today..
Had a bath,dressed, make-up on,did my hair.did my nails
Played with my dogs..in the snow.
Helped someone move some stuff.
listened to music.
Answered the phone.
Said hello to people I passed.
Took some photos
cleaned hotel suite
seeing girfriends later.
I think I need a drink?
Well I didn't drink..we played cards instead
laughed with my friends
Had a good dinner.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

In the depths of Bipolar Madness


In the depths of Bipolar Madness.One has to understand that first and foremost our illness controls us,we are not in control of it.Sure,there are plenty of things we can do to keep things in check.But I for one find myself letting things slide at times,mostly in the low moods of Bipolar.
Costly consequences for my actions or my illness.

It is 4:30 am.I slept soundly,awoke thinking and worrying of possible outcomes.
I have a calmness with agitation.What can I do,went to the lobby of the hotel to get creme for my coffee.I know,I shouldn't be having coffee,but I am having one anyways.
I light another cigarette,really how did I smoke a 1/2 a pack.already.

I watched Intervention last night,Watching T.V can trigger something an emotion.
This episode was about a guy hooked on Meth and Heroin pain killers.He lost his house,his families respect,daily he tried get rich quick schemes,sending all his disability money to Nigeria,in hopes of some financial millions to come his way.this would get everyone off his back.he would be back on track.

While I am watching this,I think this is a version of me.He was later diagnosed with Bipolar.

I have spent alot of money this year with little returns on gambling.
I continue to spend money,modestly however cause there is nothing left.
I spend my time dreaming of a writing,I am going to be an author.One of these days.
I work on different projects,in hopes one of them will materialize.

I pour myself a coffee,and light another smoke.I add sweetener as I have to watch my sugar intake,I don't want diabetes too.

I look around my hotel suite.puffing on my smoke.sipping my coffee.
when I logged in there was a comment from Betty who has a friend with Bipolar.She was looking and searching for answers to understanding Bipolar.
Betty found a book Bipolar bare my life~A Memoir was helpful.I will have to read this book.

Betty liked my blog.In my own quest for answers,Bipolar Madness is bigger than the both of us.I fight it,and struggle,at times I control it.
Up one day down the next.
I live it,I write about it.In hopes that you the reader will gain something from it all.That is just another whim of Bipolar Madness.

Thanks for dropping bye,please give me some feedback on this post!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Sunny days and Social fun


After a night working on my writings,filling my head with information overload.
I made the beds,cleaned up my suite.
Opened the curtains and windows to my delight,the sun was shining on me.
Got the dogs ready and off for our hour walk.While basking in the sunshine,all I could think was I am walking,it is sunny,makes for a good day for bipolar.
Then my girlfriend called,she is in the area and will be dropping by,perfect again for bipolar we tend to spend to much thinking anyways.Time for some social fun for this bipolar. Noon hour I am off to a good start.which makes me happy..so smile the sun shines on us,sometimes
Happy Monday Morning

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Bipolar solutions..I think


Living with bipolar is challenging on good days,living with bipolar on bad days well it's living with madness.
It does take time to learn,adjust everything that is the new you.
Yes sometimes we think of how we used to be.but really those days are gone forever.
Having had bipolar for 15yrs,many of those years where about denial of the illness.
left untreated.
The illness came to a head which means treatment resistant bipolar.
Hold on to your hat if your illness becomes like mine.
The solutions are so simple it really seems too easy.but on the bad days who feel like it,right?

1) Ask for help
2) talk or write about the feelings and thoughts.
3) go for a walk
4) add some social fun
5) meditate
6) eat well and drink plenty of water
7) sleep..really it's ok to sleep.
8) sunshine..even on winter days
9) tell yourself good things..Do good things for yourself.
10)get involved in your health and well-being YOU MATTER

Depending on your cycle of moods one has to adjust before an episode comes in and last for longer than 2 weeks.
If you can identify your own triggers,and mood symptoms you can adjust yourself accordingly.
For example..when agitation,mixed mood manic and depression occur.
optimize relaxation techniques.
when you feel hyper,shaky,angry full of energy,impulsive reduce stimulates ie coffee,media,people.
when you feel sad,negative self talk,isolated.push yourself go for a walk,meet up with a friend,treat yourself to something special.

I hope these tips help and please post a few of your own thanks

Saturday, February 6, 2010

This is it..

This is it,I am completely content and satisfied with that.I woke up in the afternoon.I am extremely calm.I went to the washroom,thinking I can't push myself more than my mind or body can co-operate.It really has a life of it's own.
What I feel is utter calm and content.The day after my period came.once the river of pain and blood took my body..the soul calmed itself funny how nature us.
I sleep, I eat.I am ok with that cause it really is all I can do.
My favorite so I am ok with doing just that......
aaaahhhhhh

Friday, February 5, 2010

Downtown Jackson Brown..

Really the action,the movers and the shakers are Downtown Toronto.
I need to be part of it, networking with others that have the in connections.I have been out of the loop for far to long.Time to get back in the game.
here is my plan.

1) Fashion make-over head to toe.
2) Go to 2 events per week.
3) Work until it hurts with pleasure
4) Secure a downtown location
5) Reconnect with contacts
6) Hire people to do the leg work
7) Enter 2 writing contest per month
8) Write,write,write
9) Sell sell sell
10 Never never never give up!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Locked up or locked down

I awoke from an early evening nap by a dream I was in prison.they where going to transfer me to penitentiary with no possibility for release. I had no money and no one to represent my case.

I have been in a sense under lock down,the freedom I so crave is not possible,the torment of my mind has me bound in fear and doubt.

The inability to make decisions,to make a decisive choice on which direction I am headed.from this perspective the possibilities seem impossible.


Another week of P.M.S during the week prior I am in low mood mode,sleeping and eating,and highly irritable like a raving maniac with no self-control.The week of bleeding like a slaughter pig,leaves me weak,disoriented,headaches,cramps.
This leaves me two good weeks a month.
Hormones,bipolar perimenopause,what a combination.everything is overwhelming.
worry about things I cannot do anything about.Every once of energy taken like a vacumn sucking the dirt from a soiled carpet.
The worst part is every one else see the disrupted behavioral changes.they even say it must be that time.P.M.S
I respond saying it's putting up with your shit,I want to head for the door or any exit available to escape the feeling I have having to deal with you.
Certainly,there must be something.I can do!
In the 1800's the doctors used vibrators to keep a women from going mad.
Maybe if I had vibrating underwear.I would be happy.Dealing with this time of life
is difficult for me.Just imagine how difficult it is for my loved ones.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Mornings

This morning I woke up at 4am,after a dream of a family get together in my new condo.
yes it was just a dream.The feeling however made me realize how much I miss my family.Yes they drive me nuts..at times.How dull things are without that though.Really I needed a break and I took it.also who wants a mother minding there full grown children's lives.I miss there laughter,there quick and responsive ways of communication.The looks in there eyes.I miss them and my grandchildren very much!
With the addition of a new grandson soon upon us.February 10th,My youngest daughters first child.it is a quite exciting time for all of us.
This morning I went for my hour walk,played with the dogs in the snow.I throw the ball and Luke brings it back.It is so cute,while Lucy cries cause she is cold.
I need to get closer to the family,closer to the city.
I will look for a solution as this just isn't working.
Right now.that's all for now please leave your comments

Monday, February 1, 2010

Writing my daily word count

I counted words tonight for my short story.I am writing for a competition.I love to win at challenges.1st prize is 5,000 cash and a 30 week program for writers at Humber College.
A published short story.
Recognition for published works and a prize appeals to me.
It also takes me away from the bipolar topic.Something of a different place,The Victorian Era.I enjoy talking about myself in character.Express my silent voice through spoken words is a vehicle worth exploring.disciplining myself to see the story through to conclusion.
Daily I write rest,pace think and repeat.The daily word count is beyond the racing thoughts of my brain.I pour the words in a flowing manner,thinking of life between the sheets.
I have to finish the first draft,I am 1/2 way there.counting the words.is better than memorizing in thought.
Thanks for taking action by reading.
leave a comment I really appreciate them
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The reason of all reasons

A blog dedicated to strength,courage and hope.
Mental Illness and addictions is a disease,it should be treated as such recovery is possible.
My goal is to carry the message to those that still suffer that you will not have to be in isolation. be free my friend at last.
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