midnightmatters

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Toronto, Ontario, Canada
This Blog is not for the faint of heart,my direct approach is to address the importance of lifestyle choices.. education and awareness.the story will unfold Midnight matters ..days just slip away..and nights get longer writing has been a passion of mine now I share it with my audience. sharing my stength.hope,faith Everything in between Thanks for visiting come back soon!

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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Mania is so much fun..I love the way it go goes


Mania for me is so much fun I love the way it takes me into my alter ego.
the excitement of what comes next for surely there will be something.the constant energy that keeps me full speed ahead of myself and those around me.WAIT so down,wait for what tic toc tic toc.time is a wasting.I love the way I feel as well upbeat, personable,social can do attitude.Nothing is overwhelming take charge I am in complete control or am I.
The challenge with this Mania is I am moving everything is in storage after being in a secure home for the last 6 yrs I want freedom,no dishes,housework,cooking,bills,I am going to explore, there is a world outside of these walls that bind me.Isolating for a long period of my illness I am feeling that I can take on different kind of challenges.Work is going to be the number one priority
putting aside my personal life see I had difficulty with balance hence Bipolar extremes,taking on to much of things that did not interest me or ignite my passions and desires,this move went exceptionally smooth thus far
just have some loose ends to tie,like calling all the bill holders cable,bell,hydro that I am moving.moving where hhmm?
I am going to a hotel apartment with all amenities a girl could ask for luxury suites.exploring and freedom are two things I am excited about Woot Woot all aboard

मानिस इस सो मच fun

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Change


Change can be difficult..when it involves ourselves..thinking
is just part of the process action is the other.I have been thinking along time about changes..my home,my work,and even people I have been in close contact with over the years.
I have done little about the action part of what I personally want.
over the last week I have made a decision..this very step can propel one into action
deciding what you want to do with today.with yourself.
as you know bipolar has had its grip on me for many years and I had become sort of compliant with it..until I made a decision to fight back.
Now that this a clear for me I am also moving..I had been thinking about this for a months but now the action part.I have endured the last year I can say it was difficult on my part as it involved family and I love them much..but taking on others difficulties teaches them nothing..what it has taught me this year is.we all have a journey called life we learn and grow through the experiences.(hopefully).
as I am embarking on a new phase of my life its called letting go and letting God.

I however have to understand in all things I can't sit back my voice has to speak
today I have done just that.in more ways than one.Change can include people as well
what's best in all circumstance for all involved is the best outcome follow your heart and your instincts..they both know what we need
thanks for reading

Friday, July 17, 2009

Is it possible someone is crazier than me?


Dare to ask this question..Is it possible someone is crazier than me?
the part of me is my hot temper and when someone messes with me intentionally I have no other recourse but my reaction.I have kept my family life out of blogs but this deserves a mention..only for the fact that there are loads of people crazier than I am they just don't know it.or care to admit it.However I have been dealing with a personal issue that involves my son.this girl is crazy obsessed with him and he wants nothing to do with her..she has filed criminal charges against him claiming he had a gun.the facts are he is not this kind.he has been in jail 4 times as a result of this..this breaks my heart as a mother that someone could make false allegations
he had all but one charge drooped as he was in custody for 17 days he had to plead guilty to one.in order to get out.up untill this point my son is 30 with no previous
problems or convictions.she wants him to live with her.he wants nothing to do with her yet she has called me 10x with saying that I am the reason he doesn't want to be with her and that if I agreed she could have him..I told her over my dead body..
she has told police he lives with her.he lives at home she is completely and utterly delusional.when she calls she ask for my son I tell her to F*%^^^& off and leave us alone she persists with vulgar messages.calling my son names as well as myself..she recently e-mailed his new girlfriend with a very rude telling the girl all about herself she doesn't have this right but she still persists today the cops where at the door again with allegations of domestic abuse.my son has tried to tell the athorities but she is the victim.Tonight I marched up to the police station and said I wanted to press my own charges of harrasment.as I have every call she has made to my home written down I also have tapes.of her calling but you can't hear her voice..
They told me it would look suspicius if I laid charges.suspicious of what facts are facts she is a nutcase on the loose and even though I have not done anything till this point something must be does I will go in tommorrow with my lawyer and son in tact
I will get charges laid I have supporting letters from his friends of the calls ongoing the harassment and the threats..my son says women can say whatever they want
however this women me has not spoken yet I will now and with the anger that is mounting I wouldn't take this from no one..and she has had plenty of opportunity to let it rest
no end in sight as I see it.all I can say is there is a will and a way.one way or the other.could I be mellowing not likely just allowing the time and evidence for my day in court thnks for listening.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

The power of spritual progress


not everyone happens to be a believer..I am.. what brought me to that place.when I was about 10 yrs old my mother could not cope with us so my brother Brian and I went to a group called Praise Him Ministries.there it was I learned about God Jesus and the holy spirit..they had taken me into a room I had an odd feeling.inside of me I told the people someone died in this room they said in fact someone had many years previous. Lynn was losing her eyesight she told me I had the spirit of discernment a spiritual gift.
after a few months had passed we learned about prayer,praise and the love of God..
bible study and the prayers,faith.miracles and deliverance.They would often have these deliverance of evil spirits I was not allowed in the room as I had not invited Jesus into my heart.which I did immediately I was intrigued and wanted to take part that evening I also received the holy spirit..I had turned my life over to God.
I became the prayer director which consisted of a prayer line, many people that I could call upon to pray for others.Then one night I woke up I had run into the room of ray and Lynn I said please please wake up something terrible has happened to my brother they thought I had a bad dream and asked me to go back to bed I persisted asking them to call the group home in which my brother Brian was staying they did she went to his room and he was gone.the cr was gone.Brian had run away.I got on the prayer lines.not ever thinking I would need to see Gods Power for myself.we prayed got a call back Brian had been in a head on collision he was 9 yrs old walked away from the accident not a mark on him the vehicles were damaged but no one was hurt..
thank God.this powerful intervention was nothing more than prayer, faith and a miracle
as time was passing God has always been involved in my life and I seek him in times of trouble.I pray, read my bible,encourage others of the power of the spirit and Gods will for there life's.even in times when I was not walking in the ways of God my prayers and faith remained in tact.there are many more miracles I will discuss in other blogs but the point of this God changes everything following your spirit.can and will make a difference in your life and your children's life, the life of the family..What is Gods purpose in your life his will or your own will.the power of free will we can choose.he guides our steps when he is called upon..

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Medications ~~~~~Why I have chosen other options


Medication is a topic in the bipolar world,I will start by giving you a little of my experience first and then my thoughts.. I was initially diagnosed 15 years ago,I would take then medications to pull me through usually an anti-depressant when I could not pull it together on my own..however during this time I was also into alcohol and yes took a draw of a blunt
actually a half a quarter per day.mixed with the anti-depressants well I can assure you the whole combination ended me either in hospital or at a withdrawal management facility.I would rather drink and smoke than pop pills any day..however I had attended an A.A meeting with my brother who was the drunk not me..I did everything not to be one as my Father died from alcohol.I didnt drink alone,before noon,or have it affect my functioning, I was a functioning alcoholic.however when my mood where
low as they do happen to get when the booze and party runs out, I would walk into the Dr's office and get the antidepressants.aha in a few weeks I was up again ready to party..but after I sobered up and remained off the alcohol and weed the strangest thing happened..I got more and more depressed withdrawal..I had been using drugs and alcohol so long that I could barely function without it..I would continue with the 12 step progam and my life did improve it took work and decision on my part.the emotional basket case.subsided
leading to by rapid-cycling diagnosis about 5 years ago.even though I thought I was dealing with the booze and drug problem I was still in denial about the bipolar issue
but when I walked into the Dr's office yet again they referred me to a shrink..yep it had progressed to rapid-cycling.I was giving alot of pills over the 3 years of compliance.at one time I was on 10 different drugs just to balance me out.well I never did balance out I was med resistant as the Dr said.after taking these very harmful pills.which I can tell you from my own experience that I did not like the effects at all..weight gain 80lbs,zombie like,shaking,vomiting,but what other options did I have well I could barley roll out of bed,when I did I would sit in my chair so numb dumb,and very alone I could not understand what was going on with me..I had to learn more.so I did alot of research in the years gone by,I meet with the shrink every month,that option is so gone now as they don't really do anything other than prescibe,monitor the moods and that"s about it,my life has been overtaken from the illness as I have taken this aspect far to serious. I am now feeling better than I have in 5 yrs mostly do to walking every day 1 hour my diet, no longer is filled with sugar and carbs..I eat healthy.drink water,yes I do contend with the moods rather other people have to I have have learned that I am not going to medicate myself so I can be more tolerable for others don't like it too bad..see me tomorrow you might like me then,the moods are a part of me on meds or not.its up to me to do what it takes to feel better, be better and acceptance has been a great key to all this a lot of who I am is.I can't or don't want to change these aspects of myself but what I can change, I have changed which has really been a learning experience for me.change never somes easy as sometime we have to admit.who really wants to be honest to admit our faults character flaws or just learned behavior
it hasn't worked is not working so something had to give..mental illness bipolar
gave to me so much more than I think I will ever be able to give back. I am grateful today to share my courage, strength, hope with you, that if your reading this you will find that your not alone and recovery is possible one day at a time
easy does it..Do it..Good

A Dogs world


It really is a dogs world..Dog gone it
Let us explore how my dogs live I have two miniature dachshunds,Lucy and Luke every since I had the kids leave home they got smart and left by choice..I was told to get
a life so what do I do I get a dog Lucy was the first one we got. when she was 1 month old..and Luke came last year I was shopping for a Christmas gift for Lucy well I found one a mate every one should have one.. Luke he is masculine and so adorable he looks at me and my heart melts.just like on the first day at the breeders..he was mine,well enough of the sentiment let me get back on topic
a dogs world..a dog eat dog world.if you are not the strongest.or the toughest you will get eaten at the dog park..If you don't no how to mingle other dogs will set you straight.dogs get treats for good behavior.at least pat on the back good dog
but what about when the dog is bad..like chewing on my 100.00 shoes or barking at the wind or looking at me with the puppy dog eyes for more treats..jumping in bed with me..Dogs rule and even though they are well trained as I had to put my foot down I couldn't have these two tiny dogs ruling my house.I am alpha dog
the dog has there place in our hearts and home..I would rather have a conversation with the dogs as they listen and never talk back..until they want to play.play time is fun for us all,the walks are partly fun and for exercise but also for training
as every dog must be trained and obedient.for this old dog to learn new tricks is a learning process
I`ll just have to add a few more tricks and treats to my goody bag.WOOF

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Gone Twitter crazy---- back in 5 minutes


Ever since I found out about Twitter..I have been tweeting away..like a bird with my feathers a nest of sorts a platform for me to share with an audience my vision
I have been doing the social media circuit ever since I needed a place..I am at home
in the comforts of my creations.writing although I have never had the confidence to share my work with others..since my high school teacher critique my work and said I was to controversial..then in college I tried again with the same report on a subject matter that was very important a thesis's of morals..maybe the teachers didn't get my point and many never do but I am compelled to write about it anyway and at this stage of life I really don't care what others think any more..I have something to share some are with it and some are not my way of thinking is not for all.I accept that but the few I do and can touch that is what really matters isn't it? after all you can't please all the people all of the time? right or wrong I don't care.I am at such a good place right now at home with my love writing..that's what matters midnightmatters.3 am I am writing that's what the gift is all about I share it with you a little bit of me there is so much more to come after I hone my skills.like the book I have in my soul it all a process and It's working cause I am working it on a daily basis so back to twitter I go..the inspiration is knowing we are not alone..that tweeps are people searching for there own answers some have them and some are seeking but tweeters are unique in they lend a helping hand

It is out of my hands



Well it's been a few days still the upbeat mood,the energy is up and I love it that way,except when things are up I can spend myself into oblivion..yeap that's right I gamble..the stakes are high so I go higher..All in is my motto..go big or go home..
now I am home..gees can a girl get a break yes I did 1400.00 break which for 2 days work is not so bad..most would say? It is not what I need or wanted.. little ungrateful maybe..but right now..I am in the hole..It is temporary I know as I can't see beyond that right now..as I have big overhead right now..I must get to work or the ship will sink..is my thinking but I know within time this to will subside..paying the bills arrgg I hate doing this I can't tell you..but they don't care where the money comes from they just want there payments yes Its in the mail usually when I let things slide like the bills..something happens..they get paid..
and the process is slower..but they are getting paid just at a slower pace..I don't like it when things are slow and when I am in a high energy state everything goes slow for this girl..to slow yeah take it twice if it goes so slow..I am going to get myself ready to work next week as I have slacked off long enough..now that all the other things have slowed down the family drama I can get focused on work.finally
seems like the summer is going by very fast.faster than I can reach those goals I have set for myself.timing is everything and my timing is off..the inner clock is anyway
but this girl loves a challenge..when the chips are down I pull through..there down
when I am up this is a good combination..lets get done..stay tune if I pull through as I always do..triumph and victory is mine..Lets do it.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

rollercoaster ride


The Hypomania is a sort of rollercoaster ride up,its been a few days now no sleep,the snapping when someone wants to speak,Gosh is that all they do is talk about nothing that keeps me interested..I mean really you open your mouth and my concentration is outta here..not to mention my body got to go..then gambling starts.yeah I love to gamble..I went out last night and won 400.00 not bad for a few
hours.I have cleaned the whole house.and throwing the clutter out,watching that I may need that..ooppss the light comes on a garage sale lets sell everything..It's a good thing I have people watching out for me or I'd be outta of a home too.I want to move to a bigger more spacious house.It only cost 500,000 but whats that to the mania
not to mention I am just short 460,000 ha..It's coming I can feel it.just another 20,000 and the house is mine.In the meantime I have slowed down with work.why not sure and the bills are piling up,not that I am behind but the last spending spree I am still paying for.the energy and calmness I feel during the hypomania stage is mixed up energy,no energy...calm yet irritable,thus I keep quite and to myself..
waiting for the break I need..just waiting which is unusual I know what I need to do.
yet I don't bother..My breakthrough is around the corner today Maybe? tomorrow possibly?but in the meantime I sit here typing away in the hopes that my true love will be useful to you and me that would be writing..It just isn't bringing the monetary gain just yet will it I guess so I work around the clock at this stuff networking,social media,blogging,support groups,website,it is coming together I am just not where I want to be yet? and maybe this is just what I am to be doing at this point of my life..the rewards are small but the gains are huge
thanks for reading

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Switch------It's in the brain


The switch that occurs in my brain..I can feel it occurring I am in tune with my body
as a rapid-cycling Bipolar.Today the switch is on,how do I know this first off the sensation in my brain.a light goes on,lightheaded,thoughts are rolling in and out
what is this switch and why does it occur? Bipolar this is why I have it,there is no denial here my friends..It is very real.The switch to mixed mood,where low and high
is experienced at the same time.also known as hypomania clinical terms..how do I feel
well right now I am changing gears,my body craves carbs and sweets,I want to be alone
yet I cannot seem to sleep..there are the thoughts that continue,I call it my creative force.that compels me to write this experience.when does it happen after my monthly usually.so today is the day.I feel it it is real no one has to explain it to me.nor do I have to run to the doctor as to whats going on.I know and am aware of it.
I do not take medications to see the phases through I experience them as they come.
there is no danger present like some freak at a show,the dullness and excitement as I remain unusually calm..I feel peaceful and calm,the knowledge of knowing and feeling the experience is somewhat beneficial right now..the slight nausea in my stomach,the light headed feeling,the wanting to sleep but can't,the need for speed,
as I precede ever so slowly,hypo mania is the state right now..the plan for today
go with it,breathe,meditate,write, you see as a rapid-cycler the moods don't last long each phase changes very quickly,at this moment,I can be in it not fight it
irritable somewhat but not raging an improvement slightly,keeping a mood journal
is helpful when I can track the moods,then I see the pattern and progress the duration of each mood and what the triggers are,what is the treatment rest..
I can get overstimulated with news,media,computer and TV,life in general..
adding activity today will change the mood..I know what worked for me today.despite the grips of this illness sometimes..moods matter to rapid-cyclers
writing this for insight for both of us

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

All that really matters


All that really matters is You and the family,friends and what is left behind..
A piece of yourself that people will remember you by,when death is at all of our doors we cannot pre determine when this time will come.but are we ready, are spirits in tact for the end time with God on judgement day are we going to burn in hell or live everlasting life.Many don't believe there is a God I do I have his his touch in my life and others so I am called upon..
In this life God says to be in the world not of the world..with so many Deaths happening I had to write this blog.some famous and some not so famous never really having an input of value to others lives I always thought the good die young..
and many are walking dead..they have no reason to live but to complain about there misery,how life has done them wrong..
All that really matters to me in this life is that my children have become what they should..for there own lives and there children's this impact is so very important it will affect the generations to come,what I want from this life on a personal level
to encourage others that life is worth living and one can start when it really doesn`t seem possible..when all hope is lost..I love to see Gods power and Love in the injustices of life..that all things are possible
Faith has guided me to the impossible and even when I m in my doubts Gods Mercy and Grace is upon me.
We all have the valleys of self doubt..but they are just that self-doubt..
when in doubt my Mother would say do nothing..I could never understand this concept now I do..When we get out of our own small minded ways of understanding then God can really do his work.. Miracles
The miracle called life

Monday, July 6, 2009

10 signs that tell you are living with someone who has Bipolar


10 signs that tell you are living with someone with Bipolar

1) Pouting can't have their own way
2) patience not even for 10 seconds
3) drive the non bipolar nuts
4) smokes,drinks,drugs
5) wants to talk to much
6) bills can get passed due
7) spends alot of money
8) screams and freaks out
9) papers, work piles up
10)sleeps all day,up all night

Friday, July 3, 2009

Testing Testing


Testing of everything in me comes around daily..Patience is not one of the qualities
I have been blessed with but I can tell you I am graciously getting the hang of it..
patience and faith seem to go hand in hand..blindly leading the way...I have no doubt
that while going through the things life throws my way..for example test of faith with my son what an ordeal..but we have made it through,now it is my Mother she has been very ill for over two months now..for the last three weeks she has been in hospital they found out she has a hole in her heart and glogged arteries..which may require open-heart surgery..well I can tell you I am besides myself..worst case senerios are running through my mind she has never been a fighter..is she strong enough will she fight..then the childhood issues are coming to mind my mother and I have never been close, I always had resentments for the fact she was unable or unwilling to care for her family..now as God will have I must care for her time to deal with the issues at hand before she dies..it has been very emotional I don't want her to suffer but in life you reap what you sow..is this a bad joke or what
just the thought I will have to give myself unselfishly yet again..to care for the weakest one of them all..My mother has never been available in any regard for her family..Funeral services will have to be arranged by me I am she, didn't prepare
for this time of life..an emergency someone will take care of her yet again..
How is it in life some have and some not this is what angers me to expect others to carry your load..especially your family how selfish..to me a parent has responsibilites to her family..My mother has never honored hers in my book..A chapter
of the book is coming to a close the end of her life, is the whole in her heart a way of saying she has no heart..I know the thoughts are running wild but I have to share this part with you..I have never been able to share it with Mom..
I am a fighter..every test in life I have passed..this is just another test to finally let it go..forgiveness..at the end of her life...
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The reason of all reasons

A blog dedicated to strength,courage and hope.
Mental Illness and addictions is a disease,it should be treated as such recovery is possible.
My goal is to carry the message to those that still suffer that you will not have to be in isolation. be free my friend at last.
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