midnightmatters

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About this blog

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Toronto, Ontario, Canada
This Blog is not for the faint of heart,my direct approach is to address the importance of lifestyle choices.. education and awareness.the story will unfold Midnight matters ..days just slip away..and nights get longer writing has been a passion of mine now I share it with my audience. sharing my stength.hope,faith Everything in between Thanks for visiting come back soon!

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Thursday, December 31, 2009

Last Blog Post for 2009

I have been sending out Happy New Years wishes to everyone,and receiving a few myself.
I have been preparing for this evening adding some feng shui,something different.
Getting rid of old energies,clearing the clutter inside and out.
as 2009 is ending I reflect.I pause,really what was good about it? well to get out of that mindset there was some good.I moved,I cut off those around me that could not bring good energy to the table.watching my children grow in their Independence,the birth of a new grandson,watching my daughter graduate college,continued my writing process.
a closer relationship with God and my husband,most off all stability in my own Mental health and helping others achieve wellness.Walking everyday,for an hour prayer and meditation, healthier eating habits and the willingness.
Things that I didn't like about the year..Alot of fighting within my family,the separation,the distance.We have always been close.The opinions, the gossip,the backstabbing.It seemed the more stable I got..The more unstable others became around me.
No longer being the helping hand..the I got to do it all mind framed..seems not to agree with others.
It is an adjustment I am sure,but long over due.
My relationship with my husband has become very close,no outside distractions.His love and care means the world to me..He makes his own lunch now, does the errands.
seems happier in doing them.
I have cut out all stress to me housework,laundry,family,bills,the fact of simplifying make it calm and peaceful for me.
The only Hope I have for the New years is continue health and well being for myself and my family,love,faith,hope, charity,prosperity health for all of us
Happy New Years good-bye 2009
Bring it on 2010
Susan xo

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Detox of the mind body and spirit

Walking together in life's journey,as you all know my spiritual path has always been a source of strength for me.To know that my higher power who I call God has led me down the roads.sometimes my own will gets me of course.having said that in times of self-discovery many things have been revealed to me.sometimes quickly,but at times very slowly.My own stubbornness to be open has more often than not stunted my recovery.
The art of listening has been revealed to me.Listen to what are the needs of keeping myself healthy and whole,in spite of diagnosis,emotional immaturity,negative thinking.
Why am I not happy? are things in my life not quite what I expected them to be?
Life changes..It cannot stay this way.
Oppression under my own emotions.Time to GET UP!
Time to do something different?
I was eating alot..something I haven't done in along time.Realizing I must pour out..instead of pouring in..
food,drink,activities.
We binge to keep from purging.
When something goes as we had not expected or hoped for.Extreme reaction to negative emotions
1)Repression makes us sick
2)Rebellion makes us stupid
A lesson from A true You.
Which leads me to the body..It was recommended by my Dr before the weather changed to take Omega 3 and Vitamin..I failed to follow through.
I will pick this up tomorrow and blog the results.
Emotions for recovery can be alot of negative feelings.We want to get better but we hang on for dear life of feeling of the past.
Opening up about our feelings,confessing them one to another,so that we can be a safe place for others to do the same.
When we close off our emotions we stop them from functioning.
I get mad often at others, myself, my circumstances.
It is not what I expected for my life..But as my will joins with the will of my higher power it has become a source of patience and peace.
I don't like it when others don't understand exactly what it is I am doing with my life.I don't like it when others hurt me intentionally with their expectations or limitations.
I don't like it when finances are not flowing.
everything stops as soon as I get resentments.
I forgive those that have hurt me..I hope you can find it in your own heart to forgive me.
thanks for reading Please post a comment.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The benefit is sex

Today just like any other day,lately within the past few days.I have not been doing my walks.I really do see a change in mood to low.instantly.This is somewhat different as my appetite is eating everything in sight.especially carbs and chocolate cake.with my weight loss this year the last thing I want is weight gain.
yesterday I added more vegetable fish and protein which seemed to curb the cravings.
It got me to thinking about exercise as walking is my form of physical activity.
cuddled under mounds of blankets,the dogs snuggled in.I needed to get moving.up then back down.just wasn't cutting it.My husband was making his lunch second day in a row.
this is also unusual.I got to thinking about sex as a form of exercise.
To my husbands delight,I have been neglecting this part of the relationship.
After an hour,hearts beating,passions renewed.The feeling of our bodies uniting was for me a least,a great form of exercise and a release of tension.that was building within me.
We also looked at each with wonder,softly caressing during the cool down.cuddling was a feeling of warmth and love.
Natures natural best medicine
How is your sex life lately? Do you want the security of a great sex life within the
marriage filled with love and wonder
please post a comment thanks
Susan

Monday, December 28, 2009

Walking Together Ministries

2010 is fast approaching,I have decided to go a step further,in my work with Mental Health and Addictions.Walking Together Ministries is the answer to the call.

Mission Statement:We seek to grow in knowledge and service advocating for the best care for all that struggle with Mental Health & Addictions.
Healing wellness and recovery supporting those in the community.
We know the suffering of those with brain disorders,disturbing feelings,thoughts and behaviors.We care for the whole person body,heart,mind,spirit.
Seeking fullness of life in daily living
As companions we share the journey,share our story that you may find courage strength and hope in recovery.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Encouragement


Encouragement comes in many forms.it could be a smile on a child's face,the glimmer of hope in your own eyes,the kind words that make all the difference in your day.
A challenge overcome,a pet jumping in delight,the morning sun,the midnight moon,the scent of beautiful flowers.A comfort food,a soothing drink,an answered prayer.
Those of us that deal with Mental health and Addictions often find ourselves in awkward situations with unfamiliar faces.We can be our own worst critic.The negative thinking,our words can often over take the reality at best,or the fact that life is and can be downright rotten in some situations created or otherwise.
None of us can live up to the perfectionism in which we would like people and places things to be.
Today when I was filled with negative thinking triggered by family.I was approached by a young man with an e-mail.He said that he enjoyed my posts,and reading my writing he to has bipolar,it helped him.
I can tell you in the frame of mind I have been in it made the world of difference to me today.I also spoke to a lady that told me her 4 week old grandaughter was at sick kids hospital on life support.They too did not celebrate Christmas.
A kind member of our group said u do make a difference that my purpose in serving others,matters.
I do make a difference,even on my off days.
This is a gift I am truly grateful for..I'd better start showing it.
Thanks for reading post a comment please.
Till next time Susan

Friday, December 25, 2009

A Bipolar Christmas

I would like to take this opportunity to wish you a Merry Christmas.I know for some of us it is Christmas.the Merry part well maybe not today?
This year I choose to spend Christmas alone.maybe your alone today by choice or otherwise.Family tensions of what is required of us to meet their expectations can be overwhelming,stressful and downright selfish in my view.
I watched a movie in the comfort of my hotel room,A Christmas Choir.It was about homeless people finding meaning and purpose for their lives,in doing so they where able collectively to give back to the community through there voice and the gift of music.coming from undervalued lives the director of the choir was an executive who was caught up in his own life not caring for others with his re found love of music and some faith saw this group through the adversity they faced.finding love and hope in most awkward places and faces.
I can tell you being alone this Christmas brought out feelings I have not really had to feel before today.Bipolar has a way of making you do things out of character.
like wanting to be alone and feeling somewhat guilty because I know that my family are angry with me.I am usually Santa clause..Santa didn't come to town..I am certain the spirit of Christmas did.
Our families may be angry and lash out at us,just like mine did this Christmas.
Initially my feeling were hurt,but understanding others and myself gives me a sense of peace.I am not Santa,or God.but a person that struggles just like the rest.
I have taken myself of face book,as family tried,personally attack me there.
I also went on-line to see what is available to people with Mental Health and addictions support at Christmas.not much for Mental health.however my blog did appear.which makes me think that I am on the right path,whoever doesn't like it well to bad.I am called to serve,the community of Mental health and addictions.
I would like to know how I could serve you better in the New Year?
what are you dealing with in your journey with Mental Health and Addictions?
Collectively how can we make it so others don't suffer alone?
Thanks For Reading
Merry Christmas

Friday, December 18, 2009

Waking the dead.

This morning,I was wakened by a nudge to my shoulder,I opened my eyes and asked what do you want? there is always something.Not this morning,just wanted to say good-bye.
all I could utter is get lost ASSHOLE.The dogs where scheduled to start daycare this morning at 7am,with the expectations they would be dropped off.not by be of course 7am is far to early for this sleeping beauty.He called me a princess Diva,as I rolled over.I said it's Queen Bitch to you get it straight. Princess Diva well I was offended.Now he has awakened the dead and 10 minutes has passed,I said in the 10 minutes you stood here yapping,the dogs could have been at daycare and you on your way.I have to work was his response,and left finally.I called the daycare and said Good-morning Matt,in a crumbling tone of voice.I said I will not come until later what possessed me to even think of being out the door at 7am was beyond me.In his Good-morning laughter tone.He said come when it suit you.someone who understands my thinking.end of arguement,or debate.
I went to the hotel front desk to pay my keep for the day.Two lovely ladies,dressed,make-up and cheerful attitude,all I could think is why am I surrounded by all these happy morning people.then there me who begrudges rolling over.I take the electronic card,head back to the room.I look at the dogs and said are you ready to go,they also jumped with glee,put on there coats and mine.The morning is cloudy,and dull as we walked more happy morning people saying how cute the dogs are which always puts a smile on my face,we pass a dog,Luke remains calm.
Progress,two guys are coming out of the store,called Luke a soldier.he has an army coat.I laughed and so did they.we approach the daycare I was feeling,like a proud mom
taking her kids to the first day of school.The daycare attendants took them from me,they ran to play with the other dogs.I left with separation issues and a sense of relief,thanking the good lord for such a facility and 2 minutes walk from where I am.
Back at the room I think now what.missing them already.made a few calls talked about New Years eve plans,ordered tickets for a dance at the Delta Markham Hotel.
called my best pal Coco,we laughed,about my morning mishaps,another cheerful morning person.called my mother but by this time I was cheerful myself.we talked and laughed.
worked on my writings,face book with my daughter,twittered away some thoughts.
had a bath,got dressed and time to get the kids(dogs) they where happy to see me.
I talked to them as a proud parent would,saying good job,they both where very calm and proud.We get back to the room,they both curl up and go to sleep.nap time sounds good to me.
Thanks for reading while your here post a comment!

Writing my best seller..A word at a time

The object of the experiment of faith..Is to see if this path I am on my at this stage of my life is the moment of truth.
If you have been following the blog,I have put all other aspects of my existence on hold.
To write a word at a time towards my Best seller book completed for publishing.
There can be so many desire of the heart,that pull at the string,I am focused and active daily in this important project.Today I recognized through prayer and obedience,that it is about surrendering my ego.The book is not about me,however the subject matter Mental health and addictions.seemed to be.As I have lived it.
The certainty of purpose was clarified,to minister to others in there place of need.
not based on my opinion as much because people don't really need a bat over the head when they are already down,but a place of comfort and understanding,encouraged through testimony of example that are relate able to the reader.I have also been doing alot of reading,something out of character for me a thriller suspense novel.
A signature style of writing to call my own.take the reader to a place better than their present reality.When I use to read.I would read the whole book in one or two days.now when I read I limit it to two or three chapters and mediate,absorb what I have read,then I read a few more chapters the next day.
I also write in a similar fashion..topic comes to mind,then I write,write, write about it.
now when an idea or topic,title comes to write I jot it down.then come back to it in a day or two.it gives me a chance to conceptualize what I am writing.
putting the emphasis on form,editing the details as I go along.
A word at a time,one day at a time.
The book unfolds.
Thanks for reading post comments thanks

Monday, December 14, 2009

Emotional Growth

Accepting life on life terms is not easy for most.lessons learned, experiences earned.
Our age is but a number but sometimes when we can't get our way we throw tantrums.
like a two yr old child.Accepting our lives is a big part of emotional growth.
For sure not everything is going to live up to our perfect picture the illusion created within.Therefore everyone around us falls short in our minds.Emotional growth comes in time sometimes never for most.The needy, the wanting,have emotional disturbances.either as a result of mental conditioning,or drinking and drugs does stunt ones growth.The solution for the addict is the substance,relieving them from the harsh realities called ones own life.emotional problems are controlled by other means rather than addressing them, blaming others for the misfortune of the life they have chosen.We see this in relationships.The type of person we choose to be with.the relationship with our parents and siblings.Everyone one can live under the same roof,but perceptions are so different.
Emotions are very real for the sufferer.not knowing what to do with them causes behavioral issue.Coping techniques have been taught either don't feel,look how much medications are prescibed for just this reason.
bury the feeling in addictive acting out behaviors ie sexual drugs alcohol shopping gambling addictions to name a few.
domestic violence,poverty, abuse
These realities are harsh for most,learning to live within its grasp is emotionally
exhausting.
there does come a point when emotional growing up is the best solution.
Thanks for reading share a comment
Susan xo

Saturday, December 12, 2009

The worst part of Christmas is not doing it~

The worst part of Christmas is not doing it..I can tell ya..this one is going to be difficult.I took a break from media,and all conversations regarding Christmas.
This will take some dicipline so far so good.I have even boycott the malls.
The part that is the hardest is not seeing the family.it will be our first Christmas
apart..they all have there own families,and the torch is handed to them.
but to much relief we are having a baby shower for my youngest she is due in febuary with her first child.The family will be together for this event.then I think I will have a tobagganing party for the family on boxing day.weather permitting.
kids snow and fun yes it is winter..so the best past memories where of these moments.
Time to make some new ones,with all the grandkids together with the family which keeps getting bigger..
What are your plans for the holidays please post your comments thanks

Friday, December 11, 2009

Blah Blah Blah

I am taking a break from all forms of media,the news,twitter,yes even face book.
With mood still plummeting like the temperature outside.Today is -21 snow has covered the grounds.winds blowing at high speeds.The only thought on my mind is to be on a plane headed for sunnier warmer destination for Christmas.With all the media hype about shopping family and the freezing cold weather the repetition in media is well driving me nuts.it reinforces the thoughts already running around in my head.
money shopping weather over and over again.minute after minute day in and day out.
I am even writing this blog about it.I know tis the season to be jolly.I am however
human with needs a bipolar that has an illness to manage.A lifestyle conducive for the illness.I look to the side of my eye,a blanket of white snow brightens the glare.
inside is toasty warm.
I can do a few things to make it better.like yesterday I was thinking of winter fun?
things I use to do in the winter.but these bones can't stand the cold.I need to get a winter coat, boots, scarf.then maybe I can go out into the cold.I always throw my clothes and winter coats to good will.The bipolar lets get rid of everything cleaning fritz,then I have to replace Why do I do this? part of an illness Bipolar
Bipolar is strange just like me.
Had a good lunch spinach omelet with a Greek salad.I'll write and read for today.
Thinking of warmer climates.mindful meditation.
How do you manage your illness during winters and holidays?
or do you hibernate in Bipolar depression?
please post a comment,I appreciate them and you!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

2009 Coming to a close

2009 is coming to a close,with snow on the ground,Christmas around the corner.A new year fast approaching.It is a time of year that makes me feel sentimental.I ponder years gone by.Memories I hold dear of snow and kids.They seem to go hand in hand.The family memories of Christmas gone by.In future hope of the New year and what it will bring.Thinking of Christmas trees and presents wrapped.Turkey cooking in the oven,Pots boiling on the stove tops.
smile on peoples faces as everyone gathers round.sipping eggnog or stronger drinks.
Snow men,tobogganing,skating,snowmobiling,skiing all part of the winter fun gone by.
pulling it all together always was a mad panic.Rushing here and there.but come Christmas eve the magic happens in the delight of the children's eyes.big and small.
My wish this Christmas is to pass the torch..So my kids can pass it to their kids.
Special moments gone..
The new year is upon us 2010 what memories do you hold dear and what hopes do you have for the new year? thanks for sharing

Monday, December 7, 2009

In the Doghouse

In the dog house with 2 miniature dachshund's.I love my dogs they have been a great addition to my life and well-being.However I seem to be in the dog house with them.
They have changes my life completely.I guess that why they came into my life.I have been wanting to free up some time,as we are together most of the day we do everything together.I have been searching for the answer.On one of our walks last week we found a Doggie rec center.I can tell you I was jumping for joy.The center is a new company.The people are friendly and most of all they love dogs.Yesterday we went for a meet and greet.Luke my male does not like other dogs he just freaks out,alot like me I would say.In regards to his temperament.Today was our first day of professional training.Luke had fun while Lucy and I watched him learn some new stuff.
He settled in and played well.We are going to go every day for an hour.then they can go to Doggie daycare.finally a solution.My aim is to get them trained as therapy service dogs.which will allow me to take them to public places.
Allowing me to have time,to work on other projects.This is a win win solution that came out of the blue.I am grateful that they can have fun and training.while I do other stuff.
I have to get out of the Dog house once in awhile
Thanks for reading and post a comment thanks

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Do I Do Mornings

Mornings have never in my life,been a part of the day I enjoy,unless I was up all night.It has been 2 months now.I do mornings,the doctor would try to get me into the habit of this.I would laugh and say good-luck,and really thought he was nuts.I am 46 yrs always nocturnal.The first time it happened day after day after a good-nights sleep,I was awake ready to start the day with breakfast.this lasted 18 days the first time,doing my morning walk for an hour.filling my days with writing, work.social.then I slipped into nights for 4 days,but ever since I do morning with a schedule,for my days not that I planned it that way it just happened.The results of a good night sleep and early morning wake time is I feel better,I don't feel as though I accomplished nothing,because my day if filled with activity.I do get tired by 7 or 8 pm have a hour nap.then I proceed with the evening in bed before midnight.
I do have a few concerns for this week,mostly financial.I actually really have my mind on my money,and to get ahead.The facts are I want to buy a house.This bipolar however is in the habit of blowing it.I mean lots of it cash that is.This week I have
put myself on a budget.I have never lived by a budget and when I try there is usually no cash to budget.My money theory is that faith will provide,yes work does help.so many others I know manage on so little,or fixed incomes of a pay check.
I can say I am blessed,in the ability to make money.keeping it well that's a goal I am working on.I wonder does faith and budgets even belong in the same sentence.does it not put limits on provisions.writing down every cent I spend,and what I make.
is keeping me honest with myself.this is really not me speaking cause in the past.
Did it really matter?
Thanks for reading
Post comments

Saturday, December 5, 2009

It's cold inside and out

The weather has become very cold,I didn't do my hour walk today,managed 15 minutes.
kept cozy warm under the blankets for the later part of the afternoon.Went out for some social fun in the evening.wasn't much fun but I went out just to interact with others.I sometimes have to push myself and that's what I did tonight.Just like I am pushing myself to do this blog entry.well I can tell you my house dream seems so far away..I want it now we have been looking at the options.nothing has come yet?
Am I expecting to much,maybe.but I am not going to settle.I have a meeting tomorrow.hopefully it goes according to plan.I need the breakthrough with 20 days till Christmas.The pressure is on!I always work better under pressure.Some days your hot some days your not.It's just cold inside and out.
Thanks for reading

Friday, December 4, 2009

We will Survive

We will survive,to feel happiness you must have felt the pain.Things are about to change,things will never be the same.everything is moving so fast in time.Do you feel somewhat left behind,things moving along slower than your mind can think the thoughts.Single mothers don't get your heads down cause your man hits the door.
Now that I know things will never be the same and I will survive.
Somehow I have to learn that the process for others is very much the same they will survive.They really don't need me to tell them how?
However when I see human suffering through no fault of there own,it's what they know.
I keep thinking there are ways to change..but in them through them we must go.so we can grow.some get that chance some don't.
I am just grateful I did.I will survive,It's been proven that whatever is thrown in my path,I have overcome and become a better person for it.Just like you will.or maybe your already there.on the way.
However children,that are witness to abuse,addictions,disorder are very much affected.either they become it or get involved with more of the same in there relationships,and the cycle continues through to the new generations.this is where the change can begin by empowering and educations.we are what we learn.
let us teach them a better way of life.living vs surviving
thanks for reading.share your thoughts thanks

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Christmas Spirit

Christmas Spirit is alive and well.Decorations adore the trees,lights glisten and beam.Shoppers visit the malls for the perfect gift.media compounds the spending madness with advertising of all that we should consume.Christmas cards are made and sent.menus are prepared and planned.giving is the spirit of Christmas.
A time for families to share this special day.Children of all ages unwrapping what Santa sent.The music the sounds of Christmas come alive.
leading up to this very special day,always makes me anxious.can I make it just so right,with all the right food,gifts and atmosphere..perfectionism.
The race against time,I always leave preparation to the last minute.a day or two before.Every year I say I am going to do it differently,but I'd rather not have it any other way.
The pressure gives me a sense of relief on the day of Christmas looking at the year gone by and the onset of a new one.
We as a family celebrate the season on Christmas eve.with the drifters on Christmas day.
This year,will be different.I am going to be the drifter.allowing my family the gift of Christmas to offer there children in the comfort of there homes,making there Christmas preparation special for there children and passing it along.the memories of the Christmas Spirit.
This year I'll give money,and save the shopping madness for others.
Happy shopping and preparing to all in the Christmas Spirit

Saturday, November 28, 2009

In the struggles

Life does bring with it struggles and challenges.What are you struggling with today?
It seems that when we are going through it,we are very much alone,that there is no end in sight.Struggling alone with Mental Health and Addictions in itself is such a struggle add life on life's term it appears to be an impossible challenge.
Do you have addictions? Do they control your thoughts and actions each day.?

For those of us that don't like the God word I'll use higher power and for those that are ok with God.or spirituality call it what you wish.

The higher power that dwells in each one of,yes even you.can consider the life path and where it all began.
As an innocent child,within a home and family.Family roots begin to take shape building our beliefs and character.
Individuals either have a positive experience as a child or not so pleasant.
We have learned so much about coping,habits,beliefs from our family dynamics.but each individuals abilities and talents are different.
Could be be possible these teaching would shape the rest of our adult lives.
imagine just for one moment you as a child.was it a safe&stable place,or filled with domestic violence, abuse,drugs and alcohol.
I can only say for myself it was the later,thus my approach and learning skills where
to fix,suppress,stifle,the struggle.
everything appears to be ok,but deep inside there is something going on?
Throughout the darkest struggles it seems that my higher power acknowledges them.
bringing me to a place of honesty and to look at life on life terms.
Sure we have our share of struggles,Don't we?
Let's just consider some of these struggles,family,finances,relationships,death,illness,business,ones own inner turmoil.
There are a few ways I know of to handle the situation,face them,run from them,deny them,suppress them,do something about them,forget them.
If these all fail drink and drug them.
These are all coping mechanisms I have learned.
In all honesty none of the above have worked.
In the struggle,what does seem to work at least for me is a positive attitude that this to shall pass,that I am strong enough and smart enough to deal with what comes my way.the realization that these struggles actually come before me to make me a better person,to gain understanding of myself and others.
My higher power has a plan,the struggle appears when I do my will,it is not in line with the will of my higher power.
once through the struggle the victory of battle is won,fruits of the spirit take shape
love peace joy understanding patience that surpasses all understanding.
Grace and mercy fill our days with a thankful and grateful heart for the struggles that come our way.
However there does come a time of abundance and freedom.
once the struggle is in line with the will
thanks for reading comments are appreciated
Susan xo

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Thankful Thursday How lucky am I

Thankful Thursday,well this week I am thankful for kindness,increasing my capacity to receive,and weight loss. I start the day with prayer and gratitude there is a change in my attitude.I woke up at 10am,went for an hour walk in the rain with a grateful heart,the dogs however where not impressed.
Money is tight once again,I asked the manager if I could pay for my suite tomorrow.
I really hate to ask,pride.
He said kindly no problem.well I can tell you it was a problem for me.fear pride and humility.The room service lady took long to clean the suite.minor irritant
once gain work is dead.I had not planned for that.I did my on-line work,had a nap,
when doubt comes in I start wonder,what the hell I am doing?
I am thankful for my capacity to receive.exactly what did I receive today,patience..
never been my forte..understanding others,rest and peace of mind, weight loss I can tell you about two dress sizes and 50lbs since I came off the meds,this is making me feel lighter,the body shape is coming back bonus!
However I have not been eating my vegetables,some things are important and this is one of them I really notice a difference in mood going towards low.when I cut this part out.
Evening came,I did socialize with a few others from the hotel that have other dogs.came back and then..the post from another got me fired up..
finally some fire under my ass.
the topic was education.many people say I am lucky that I don't have to take meds.
where exactly is the luck? I was med resistant,which means for two years of med compliance,adverse side-effects,sickness,vomiting,shits,zombie land,I could not think write talk,my hands shaking like I was epileptic.80lb weight gain not able to work.sitting in a room alone.I didn't want anyone to see me like that,much less my family and friends.
what came next..teaching myself about the illness..I had no supports oh yes a Phychiatrist that sent me to learn,it started small.no coffee OMG he such a prick!
eat vegetables without the dip,get real,what planet is he from anyways.
However he was so darn cute I kept going back to see him.really that is why I did.
God does have a sense of humor with stubborn people like me.
Another thing no drugs and no alcohol,oh come on I am going to an all inclusive resort
in Punta Cana..he said all inclusive doesn't mean you have to drink everything available.one drink
I stopped smoking weed,from 1/2 quarter to not inhaling.now that's progress
sunlight was another one of his bright ideas.now really how is that possible when I sleep 10-14 hours a day at that time.exclusively a nocturnal night owl.
sun hurts my eyes.
it was the hardest thing in those days to roll over and get to the appointment,most days I just didn't roll just back over and back to sleep.
everything I did,group,therapy,meds nothing worked maybe a day or week.I just wanted my life back.to live
I would walk sometimes maybe to the store to get smokes,then I got the dog.they need to walk,so they took me along sometimes pulling and dragging,but I walked to the park.once I was out we would keep going,from 5 mins to an hour every morning.then again in the afternoon.finally some sunlight and nature beauty was surrounding me once again.things looked colorful.dark dark and dreary as days gone by.
Then an occupational therapist introduced me to mindful meditation.maybe she's nutcase I thought to myself.we did it together.2 minutes worked dily to 20 minutes.suddenly over time racing thought disappeared.
The doctor and myself where happy with the result.I was still slipping in nd out however.then the therapist challenged me finally something to do.work on me!
not on others by controlling them or my environment I learned about triggers,this was insightful and welcomed by family members calmness became a new thing..handling things that came up like conflicts,calmly expressing myself and allowing them to do so.aahh the anger was subsiding
I began to reach out to others..social slowly as the fits of anger where embarrassing to others.I would go out for set time slots initially 1.2 hrs then worked my way up to hours if I was ok.once or twice a week.
I could go on and on I will do a part two to this post but for now the point is it has nothing to do with luck to be med free and the suffering one goes through on meds
is hell on earth.at least it was to me.but slowly behavioral and lifestyle changes
monitoring and maintenance on a the daily,mapping moods,so much to do it takes work nothing comes easy,but the work is showing results.
I was lucky to be up for the challenge always did things they said I couldn't
How are you doing at this moment on your journey with Mental health and Addictions?

Love the moment.flowers grow out of dark places.Therefore each moment is vital.it affects the whole.Life is a succession of such moments and to live each..is to succeed~Corita Kent

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Wacky Wednesday

This wacky Wednesday was off to a weird start,I was awaken by front desk 11:00 am
the lady said, we have no suites available for tonight.how can that be I am in one you dumb nut.I told her to have the manager call me.well it put me in a mood.simple as that.I went to the front desk ready to attack,however the manager was there he said I could stay.yeah I guess so nimrod.grab a coffee,back to my room.
I was not in the mood for housekeeping,Do not Disturb sign is on the door.Housekeeping calls and asks if I need service? Do Not Disturb..aarrgghh.
The dogs are quite,I thought let's go for a walk,as it always changes my mood.
I finally dressed for the cold weather,however the sun is shining,very mild.
my pants so big they are falling off me arse.
There is an eeriness about today,quite peaceful,2 hours walk grabbed another coffee.
I need motivation as if the coffee are going to damn well help.the walk did however.
along the way I found a dime,and an elastic for my hair.
Gods way of saying money is coming and fix your hair.
I slip into a jacuzzi bubble bath,then into something more form fitting.
Blow dry my hair,put make-up on
I am loving the shape my body is becoming.
I tried to barbecue some chicken,the tank was empty.
I tried to work,not even a phone call
I tried to blog,the computer died
I tried to improve my mood,but to no avail
I tried could be that I didn't try hard enough.
not likely,it is just one of those days
tried to sleep,can't
tried to pray, does he hear
tried to connect no one there
tried and tried and tried.....

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Mental health and Addictions Remember and Honor

This Mission filled will passion and love,is coming from a strong emotion that dwells within.
The voice of others with Mental Health and Addictions those that did not have a choice or chance.My father,Brian Sedgemore died at 48 yrs old from alcohol undiagnosed Bipolar along with so many other dear friends
that have died as a result of Mental illness and Addictions.
I am collecting pictures and names of those who suffered and lost to put a face to the illness that claims so many valuable dear lives.
A call to action that you also remember and honor these important lives
it may very well be a source of pain and hurt for you.There lives are with purpose
to ensure that those that still suffer are not alone in isolation or silence.
please forward names age and pictures and story to my e-mail or facebook inbox
I will be submitting entries to my blog and lets see if the faces of loved ones will say loud and clear that the devastation to lives as a result of Mental Illness and Addictions is real!
Thanks so much for your action and love
please leave comments

Monday, November 16, 2009

Manic Mondays

Manic Mondays..Normally Mondays are hectic as I have done my list of things to do.
This week is different I didn't make the list as I am going to do things instead.
I make the list,look at it put it away some things get checked and some remain on the to do list.The list this week will be things I have done a different approach
This morning started early 6am,rumbling around,I so wanted to go back to bed which is
exactly what I did till noon,aahh much better woke up,had a cup of decaf,then went for smokes,the day is sunny and mild,but from indoors it looked cold and dark.
The dogs and I did our hour walk with a stop for a bite to eat.Traffic was motoring
got a few numbers along the way,got back to the hotel the manager asked if I wanted to change suites for the same price.sounds good to me,and the dogs are happier they now have a view,they made me laugh now they are very particular about hotel suites,
Luke checking things out,sitting in the window,as if he is king,then on the desk,while I went to get a drink,he and Lucy are taking a nap.the life
I made a few calls,getting ready for a productive week as the focus is bring and stashing the cash with six weeks till Christmas..normally I am Santa.
The fat guy with white beard and red outfit..never comes round here.
The other focus is going to be my appearance it has been on the list for awhile
This week I will get it done.
hopefully
It's 7pm I thought I'd fill you in on what happened today..
well I had a nap,dinner,bath and ready for bed yet again I'll watch some t.v
The nights just keep getting longer as winter approaches.
Thanks for reading
post a comment please

Saturday, November 7, 2009

In the downtime

After the excitement of my daughter graduating,the anticipation leading up to it.
I was in high gear..In the downtime.I have been very busy with myself.however that downtime means functions,or stride.now what,I have totally blown the cash flow yet again! I always think of that rainy day when it's raining.
I know I am off to a slow start to the week.what a difference a day can make.
I read an article today grandma's on facebook.It caught my attention cause I am a grandma.the article suggest that grandma has found herself staring at the computer and grandpa is left to find his own meals..did this hit home with me.
I will try to get a few very necessary things done this week.just a day or two can throw things out of whack.
it is 1:10am I need to sleep so I can wake up early to address the money situation.
I have missed the dogs as well.they are with my daughter for a few days.hopefully it doesn't last to long.I am sure they miss me!
thanks for reading

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

A Proud Occasion

My youngest daughter is graduating from her law program tonight with honors.I can tell you leading up to the moments have been stressful as I so want her to know that I am very proud of her accomplishments.It seems this hard to please young woman is making her way in life.She was working for a family lawyer,while she was going to school,she is 26 and became pregnant with her first child.
after spending a evening of spoiling my better half,it was his birthday.I was being nice,he said I know it's my birthday I guess I'll go back to being an idiot tomorrow I thought it was so funny,I don't always show or appreciate my loved ones.but they really do mean the world to me.I just can't be around them all the time.This is part of Bipolar illness.
I know my limits and I work within in them,tonight the whole family will gather to watch her graduate,hopefully I can stay in the moment,to make it special for all
Thanks for reading..Wish me luck!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I laughed I Cried.

Today has been an emotional roller coaster.I did the usual feel good things,yet raw emotions still lingered.laughter,tears,a softness within my heart,that seems to be penetrating to my soul.I heard a quote tears are raindrops that words can't express.
I also found the benefits of a mood disorder...I can do whatever I am in the mood for.I went to the the grocery store,I need more vegetables,I bought a head of cabbage,onion,spinach,fried it up and voila a tasty meal.I was hungry.Then I saw a preview for Julie/Julia,finally got to watch the movie and the timing ws right on.it was funny,made me laugh and cry.Somehow it all makes sense to me now? We may never know what lies ahead,even with goals and deadlines,it's the passing of time in what keeps us alive.Some fill there days cause they have nothing to do? Some work to fill there hearts,or pockets.but at the end of today,I shared abit of myself and in turn others opened up.That's what it's all about!

Chance or Choice

After a morning of pampering,hair,waxing,manicure/pedicure.I got back to the hotel
feeling refreshed,those feelings of being beaten down or what's the point have vanished.Although I am still and quite within,this spiritual warfare.all I can say is yes it was triggered but I have to deal with, the way it makes me feel.Things I did
1) read my bible
2) prayed for them and myself
3) rested
4)expressed my feelings
5)pampered myself

I turned on the computer,and was reminded by the death of a bipolar friend,that some don't get that chance or choice,how valuable life and living are,that my primary purpose is to carry the message to those that still suffer.That I must keep on keeping on.I may not see it or feel it at times,that I still have my own things to work through,that my judgements on others have no place in my heart.That my spirituality,just like my mental and physical health depends on my conditioning.
Those days when I feel like throwing in the towel,or why even bother to get out of bed.I am reminded today.I have a chance and a choice.In memory of those that did not.
Thank-you for making my day!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Next disconnect my cell phone?

This day I woke up at noon very late,as a trigger from family members,has sent me feeling pissed off,that they have the nerve to mess with my mojo,I go out of my way to show them love and they in turn want to argue fuss and fight,however this time was different I did not fight,I listened and gave some insight to there feelings,hm this is quite different approach for me.after a good nights sleep,I really did not want to face the day,but here it goes..Still resentful to others I am.It makes me think where is this coming from? Could family members really not like the fact I am living and happy? Doing things the way I like it for a change,not people pleasing.
AAhh the Doctor did say they may not like it as they have become use to my people pleasing putting others first.Interesting but in such a mean fashion.
Live and let live in AA.this does include myself maybe they need a program of recovery? I cannot keep making amends,or getting manipulated cause they think I owe them something.I have been given one life,mine.Today all that matters is that I live each day to the best of my ability for today!
As I sort through my own feeling on the issue,I will disconnect my cell phone,so members of the family cannot contact me whenever they feel to make demands,expectations,or just having a bad day.I am not the one to save all others.
or the world knowledge bank.
We all have work to do,on our quality of living,I just have to take into account some are happy with the way,and standard of life, regardless of what or how I feel?
I have a higher standand for myself and cannot impose that on others.
Many would like to walk in my footsteps.but can't, they are not wearing my shoes.The trigger has put me into a bit of slump.One thing that is good is the awareness that it happened.I called the phone company,asked to change the phone number the friendly gent asked of I had a number in mind,two came 1-800-Pay-me or 1-800 don't call.
He laughed and said he could do it now,wonderful..I have a private number in which no one gets this exclusive number.not even my better half..children,or family.
Works for me!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Joy takers.Family& friends

I was enjoying my own company,when I thought I would entertain some family members,
The problem is many of them get jealous and seem to be more miserable when I am living and happy making there judgements,accusations,and character attacks.
I have been doing really good as we know living my life the way I see fit,it may not be suitable for others and to tell you the truth I couldn't care less.It suits me fine and really that's all that matters.I had put away some cash I was ahead of the game these family triggers made me blow a load of cash.I'll make it back and they can
F%^^&***( right off.with there demanding and argumentative ways.I am in for the fight
just not with others.it takes my peace and joy.I work to hard for that.
They need me I don't need them.To bad so sad.It will be a long time before they see me again.Thanks for letting me get this out
Comments are welcomed

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Daughter of mine..

My youngest daughter is 26,she is graduating from college on Thursday,and is pregnant with her first child.It makes momma proud
Our relationship over the years has always been challenging,as her personality is very much like mine.
Friday night I headed downtown to meet her as we had to get her grad outfit,our shopping trips gone by,are always in and out of every single store,she doesn't ever find something she likes.I really wanted to make this a special occasion for her as the memories,positive ones that will remain with her for life.
Amazing, my always late daughter was on time.bonus with the fact of little to no traffic on our way downtown.I was off to a good start,I had to make a point to have fun.I normally panic when we head to the mall together,as I just want to get the hell out,not this time we looked into a few stores,found a sales rep that was pleasant,she whipped together a dress,scarf,brooch,purse,my daughter was beaming with a smile,I ask her if this is the outfit she said I love it.My hard to please daughter was impressed at the cash we joked and laughed.We had fun!
I had told her I got the tired mom to be a day at the spa,The elm wood an exclusive spa,water therapies,massage,facial manicure/pedicure and a three course lunch.
This should relieve any stress or worry before her big day.
I asked her to stay overnight,ran her a jacuzzi bath,we stayed up all night talking,
we never run out of words to say we talk,debate.with her fragile hormonal state.
I have to take it easy with her.she is still young and has alot of growing and learning to do.just like we all did.I also have to remember that my daughter is just like me yet she is an individual.strong,beautiful.
The bond that we share is action pact,never leaving a dull moment.
I guess the good lord wants to keep me on my toes.
My daughter just called to say on the subway ride home, lots of people where dressed for Halloween,she loves to dress up and have fun,not this year she a pregant mom to be,she said next year she can take her son out, party days are over something she will have to get use to.
Thanks for reading
Thanks for reading have a good night

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Jumping Jackpots

Last night I went shopping finally,the outfit included Jeans,Jean Jacket top,a bra & panties.I can tell ya these boobs are appreciate the supreme lift,they are back where they should be.I went to bingo feeling very confident with my appearance,although I was wearing high heel sandals,in late October.
It was a rainy night,I hit a 500.00 jackpot cool..then the 1000.00 sweet.
I was flipping my coin,remember this is how I make life decisions.Jumped in a cab,which was a luxury Chevy van,headed to the casino.Right off the bat jackpot 375.00
Good so I didn't have to touch what I came with,then another 675.00,then another 400.00 and another 475.00 hit the 1000.00 on the dollar slots.It was as if I could do nothing wrong.It felt really good to walk out of the casino at 6am,with loot in hand.got cab back to the Hotel,had breakfast complimentary every morning.I had a Jacuzzi bath,thinking how good life is.
Risk taking is not always easy,but the victories are so sweet.
I got ready for some sleep,awake at 9am,refreshed.this is day 12 of the sleep/wake pattern.I thought staying up all night would blow me into deep sleep all day.
Nope I guess I need all the time I can get JACKPOT!
Thanks for coming back,Please post a comment

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

A Compassionate look into addiction.First person

I was shuffling in bed with this title in my head.I woke up sat at the computer, had to go for breakfast thinking about the topic of compassion,addiction a walk down memory lane. A glimpse into childhood,as I never dwell there to long,but here it goes.
I would see my father drunk,a drink accompanied all occasion,happy, sad or just plain boredom.with the drunken stupor came violence,mostly bar brawls,and domestic.In those days father could take us in the bars,or let us play at the park.Mother was unable to protect herself much less us from fathers outbursts of anger.I always blamed her for not getting father the help he needed,he was a very sick man.and she was weak.The environmental component to addiction, Children learn what they see.deviant behaviors are used to obtain drug of choice.Mother and Father both relied on the social welfare system,father would engage in frauds to provide for his habit,Mother would rely on other men to supply her needs.
Mother was an emotional junkie,anything for attention.
I grew into a teenager with views of how I wanted to live my life,very strong ones at that refused to be anything like my parents,there is the genetic component of addictions called DNA,
I had my first drink of alcohol,by the time I was 11 years old,probably before that as Mom told us Dad would put whisky in our baby bottles to get us to sleep.
When we where cranky.
I did everything not to be an alcoholic except drink,I knew what the signs were.
the writing is on the wall for most drunks.
drinking for me was a way to clear my mind,relax,have some fun,great fun most times until I tried to stop drinking.Could it be the very thing I denied in life was in fact a way of life.To avoid the withdrawal symptoms one must drink.I also was deeply involved in drugs,don't they just go together,the mix would take me to another place,sometimes driving down young St on the wrong side of the road,bars where like home to me.Hotels are a safer place.shh no one knows.
Compulsion to engage in an activity despite harmful consequences,deemed by myself,health, mental state,or social life
This topic has been lurking in my mind,as an addict that has been foolish as I did enjoying drug induced euphoria than more popular acceptable lifestyles.
Addiction is a choice..Some don't get the chance.
I was downing the pain meds for my impacted wisdom tooth.I thought how easy this addiction thing happens,it starts with a drink, pill,smoke,sex,food gambling
Internet,porn the list goes on and on..I have a symptom in which I want to go way
or a feeling.it remains until I get the next fix of the drug of choice.
The emotional fixation acquired through learning,aiming to avoid specific discomfort.
Through the years I have learned that the addiction process starts Innocent,but can steal many years of life and living having to learn how to live as I was dead for so long..thanks for reading

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A perfect stranger

It has been my experience that a perfect stranger can offer assistance and kindness that no other can,not a family member, friend or colleague
A stranger in the the dark,is like an angel in the park.
Today started rather later,I woke up at 7am,but with all the meds I am taking for the tooth,which I did see the dentist yesterday,he said it is an impacted wisdom tooth,that is rubbing against the nerve and is infected,he said we could take it out but he would have to peel me off the ceiling as the pain is enormous.what is this the pain is unbearable.He said go see an oral surgeon and he can put you to sleep by this time it was 6pm,I went home
after a good-nights sleep my head is hurting many people calling today they seem concerned.I will receive this.It is 3;30pm spent the afternoon on the phone,sharing,laughing,
I have to go out at 5;00 work on the money issue,hopefully something works in my favor today
all is well that ends well.the money came through
eating a steak dinner,with zuccini&mushrooms yummo
thanks for coming back,
The pain in the tooth is finally gone,food was delicious.

Monday, October 26, 2009

It's a beautiful day in Toronto

It's a beautiful day in Toronto the sun is shining,the mild weather is seems like spring.Started the day early,however I didn't even open the curtains,I have been napping late afternoons,so I planned my walk for this time slot,2pm did not work today it is rather dead just my luck,I really need to make cash today so I am doing my money chant.hopefully someone will hear it..The dogs are even quite today.
our walk was peaceful,they romped in the leaves.I really need to get batteries for my camera.they are playing tug of war with there leashes.right now Luke is the dominating force.Lucy is just letting him have his way.He stops to glaze out the patio window.quietly .I am dressed and ready to finally address the tooth issue,I'll be so happy to see my dentist,I think he will just give me a antibiotic and ask me to come back when the infection is gone,I'll see.
My guess is that in the over thinking I do about every little detail,does not allow for the action to occur,this week I will attempt to act before I think.I know for most it is the other way around,but what works for me may not work for you.
It looks like I may have to move from this fancy hotel do my overspending and lack of income thus farthis week but remember it is faith journey,I took a look in the mirror I really like what I see today.I am answering the phone and will make it through another day.
the calm,quite,is so wonderful..I am off to the hustle and bustle of Toronto.
Have a great day!

Blowing the cash flow

Blowing the cash flow,yesterday a beautiful sunny day,mild here in Toronto it felt like spring,I was awake at 6am on a Sunday,went for breakfast.Then decided to blow some cash,gambling.I didn't get a jackpot.Worry starts to play with my mind,I need to maintain the lifestyle I so love!When the thought of worry set in I replace it with faith and believe that just for today everything is alright.but is it really?
The point when I decide to blow money that I really have no business spending.I should do something that is less expensive like painting a piece of art.with the autumn colors in bloom, I have the inspiration to paint,but yet to put it into action.
This morning I have to concentrate on working replacing the money,for this week.
I also have considered spending less time on social media,as it does take up alot of time.that means filling the time with work.
This afternoon I am off to the dentist to finally address the toothache.
I also really need a new look,hairdo and some clothes,I do tend to put things off.
Not this week,however I have some social gatherings next week,I really have to look my best.that is the goal of the week.doing my best and looking my best. Do you put things off?what goals do you have today?
Leave a comment thanks Susan

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Life is like a pot of stew

Life is like a pot of stew..add ingredient...let it simmer..add some spice...mix it up..share and enjoy..Don't forget the bread and butter.

OK so I broke down,and cooked a meal after a long sabbatical.I use food to shut people up..I am a great cook, when I cook everyone eats and shuts right up no wonder!

I just ate two bowls of stew,simply delicious,as I meditated on the food.and my new found appreciation for my skills..beef,onions,lentils,vegetables,squash variety of spice..buttered roll.
let it simmer,mix it up, share and enjoy.

I had to save some for my daughter who is coming to spend the evening with Mom.
she is really looking forward to my cooking,it's been awhile and she is six months pregnant with her first child,she has an appetite.
My daughter has inherited mothers moodiness.with her pregnancy,her hormones are all over the place,making her rather emotional,to be expected.

Back to the pot,if you don't like the heat get out of the kitchen.
the pot of stew is to share similar to our lives,our children learn so much from us.
making it tasty,so it goes down smoother.has not always been one of my own skills.
but after the pot of stew..they shut up and listen up!
thanks for reading.With love

Bipolar living update

Bipolar living update.A week with the wellness program,I truly believe when I do what is required of me it works.It has proven over and over again when I make the effort I see the results.the differences are sleep/wake cycle,moods,appetite.
This morning is day seven of waking up at 6am,I mean for this girl it is really unusual,a miracle of sorts as I am,usually going to bed at this time. I go to breakfast,I never eat breakfast I mean other than 3 cups of coffee just to get going.
but I have an egg,piece of toast and some bran cereal.a cup of decaf.piece of fruit
I come back to the suite,then go on-line for abit,twitter is very inspiring.originally when I started to tweet I thought are these people for real,with all the positive thinking,In my world although I can be positive I think negative a disease of the brain called Bipolar, the positive tweets really do inspire me.
The dogs and I went for a walk around 8am this morning the weather is mild a welcome break from the rain and cold.I was leisurely walking at slower than usual pace.taking in the quietness,the calm,and the colours of the trees.I said good-morning to people as I passed.I stopped at one tree it seemed to be in bloom the leaves where yellow I was in awe.I stopped at the store to get some scratch tickets,want to the picnic bench,can't they ever put three of a kind on these tickets?
My daughter is also on my mind,I am going to call her and see if she wants to come and spend the night with me.I am missing the family.I know they are missing me as well.The laundry that I started to prepare to take to the drop off,where they wash and fold the laundry.even that takes effort.I should opt for disposable clothes.instead.
it is almost 10 am the housekeeping should be by soon.I love this.then I'll cook,a beef stew.with vegetables least today I am showing some love.the kinder side of me.
I am listening to the radio, all I want to do is have some fun I got a feeling I am not the only one is getting me dancing that's fun.Another favorite song Tonight the night lets live it up I gotr my money let's kick it move it move it..do again do it do it here we go easy come easy go.I got a feeling tonight's gonna be a good night!
the power of positive thinking can you feel it?
What do you consider fun?
Thanks for dropping by while your at leave a comment!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Married for dental benefits..I should have married the dentist

There is alot of talk about relationships,marriage,love.I was 36 when I met the man of my dreams.I was self-employed with no benefits.I had a wisdom tooth that sent me into excruciating pain after hours of course.I went to the hospital
where they presumed I was there for the drugs.with my face swollen,the Demerol did not suffice.They gave me a number to call,which I did immediately as the pain was intolerable,the guy at the desk said I should call in the morning it was 4am.lucky for me the dentist said he would meet me at his office,but I would have to pay cash,as he does not take welfare clients.I was not on welfare good thing,he said it would be $750.00 on the spot.I said I have the cash. work was busy that day.
The wisdom tooth was impacted,and was removed.I just wanted it out. I took a cab home,against the rules someone was suppose to pick me up according to the dentist,like who? I thought the cab driver.
Just before..I even contemplated marriage,with my hubby..benefits where of most importance to me,as I didn't want to go through that ordeal ever again.
But here I sit,I missed my appointment yesterday with my wonderful dentist that I have seen regularly since I got married as preventative maintenance was important.
This week I had a small nagging toothache,which if I had gone to see the dentist yesterday, It would be problem solved.no not for this girl that continues to suffer in crucial pain I mean it equivalent to pangs of child labour.Six Tylenol, 2 codeine pills,clove oil and Ora gel,ice pack clued to my face.I am thinking why didn't I just marry the dentist.
Just had to post this,more on love and relationships the shocking truth

Thursday, October 22, 2009

A Journey into Bipolar World A Tragic Comedy

A journey into Bipolar World A tragic Comedy needs our support.The Show want to extend its audience to schools and community the have entered a competition for funding.Jason who is the playwright has bipolar,A look into his life.
Education and Awareness for our youth about the Illness od Bipolar and how it affects the suffer and the family.Let's get them the funding for a valued cause.
I appreciate your support in advance.
thanks Susan xo
Together we can

Pet therapy in Bipolar

Pet therapy,in the bipolar treatment process.This is Lucy my mini dachshunds birthday.
She is 9lbs and sweet as can be.her traits are much like mine spoiled and fussy.
If you could see them now Lucy and Luke are on the couch spread out with there paws in the air sound asleep,it is just the cutest sight and makes me smile,not to mention they are absolutely peaceful and quite.
When I got the dogs,I was just coming off medications,Lucy always slept with me and would alert me if someone was at the door,or there where noise in the vincity.as most of my days then,where spent in bed.with the odd appointments,I could never stray to far or to long as she would be missing me.I got Luke as a Christmas present for her and myself.he was just to darn handsome.and with 2 days before Christmas he needed a home.Little did I know.how much of an impact these dogs would have on my well-being.They would cuddle and lick me when I over-slept,they would nudge me to take them for a walk when really all I wanted to do was stay in bed.but I could not
off we went to explore,meet and greet people.play with children at the daycare.
Then this morning I have been walking like crazy twice a day for an hour or more
however now I really believe they have been walking me all this time.
which lead me to think about pet therapy and service dogs for Bipolar.well much to my surprise there was alot of information on this very topic.However I did not explore this option for my own benefit.as I read on disability rights and service dogs.I require a letter from the doctor and I can take the dogs to public places
as most of my time is spent in or walking and I have been wanting to get things done.
For example shopping,dentist and according to the law,service dogs are welcomed in public places, an interesting theory which I will discuss with the doctor.they keep me calm,watch what I am doing and where I am going.
So there could be some validity to the service dog option and I will let you know what progress I make with the doctor and therapist.
Thanks for reading and please let me know if you have a pet and the benefits to your Bipolar or Mental Health

Will the real me stand up


Will the real me stand up! this change in lifestyle,certainly is agreeing with me.
I have simplified my life,reduced stress,and am living at the Marriott,with all the conveniences I could ask for,housekeeping,breakfast and dinner served in the dining room,included in the cost of the suite,last night I cooked a dinner of spinach and fish.my favorite.I have been focused on my wellness,which includes daily walks twice a day for at least an hour,swimming for 1/2 hour and a sauna.I have a jacuzzi bath,an afternoon nap,nutrition and mindful meditation.This is the fourth day I have been consistent in my efforts,the results are good mood,laughter,sleep.wake pattern has changed significantly I am awake from 5am-6am,
and in bed sleeping before midnight.last night I was sleeping at 9pm the last time I had such results when I was focused on my own wellness.I have added social 2x per week,as well as working.these are all beneficial to my overall health and well being.
I wonder how long this will last? and if I can maintain this pace without the crash.
I am monitoring my energy levels and moods,so far so good.I have also pushed myself to answer the phone,something I rarely do,and say hello to everyone I pass along in my day.talking to those that wish to talk.I also have started the day with shower and dress,full make-up and all.this helps me to put my best foot forward each day.
I just wanted to share what works for me..It is a challenge as I treat the illness
without meds.Some days are better than others.For now I'll take what I can get,while increasing my capacity to receive.
Have a blessed day in wellness,if your not there yet,try one of the above suggestion and see if it works for you.

Comments are welcomed

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

All that exercise helps with sleep pattern in bipolar

Exercise seems to help with sleep pattern and moods in bipolar,yesterday I was awake at 6am, I had two walks which where an hour or more each and a swim for 45 minutes.
The weather also was mild,and the sunshine was delightful..This week my focus is back on track to monitor my symptoms and maintain my wellness program.I also added 2 hours of social an evening out with friends, listening to music was calming and energizing.I pushed myself,an made an effort to say hello to everyone that I came in contact with. I also made the dentist appointment that I postponed for a week. I was in bed around 1am,which is early for this bipolar,however I did also have a late afternoon nap,we are suppose to avoid
the unavoidable naps.I will try again today.It is 6am Tuesday I awoke from a deep sleep.well rested and now I am ready for breakfast,The focus today will be nutrition.
adding the vegetables and water,as I have been neglectful also of this very important component of wellness.I also will make an effort to work today,I will follow through with phone calls and answering the phone.limiting my computer use today.Bipolar seems to want to keep me down,truly it is the fight of a lifetime.I love good fight and a challenge.maintaining the energy to do it daily,sometimes I just need more strength.
I am getting ready showered and dressed to put my best foot forward for another day.
wishing you all wellness and strength just for today.xo
Thanks for visiting come back soon xo

Monday, October 19, 2009

Increasing my capacity to recieve

I was watching Joel Olsteen,last night his topic was Increasing your capacity to receive,the concept was you can not put new wine in an old wine skin,and that if we have a cup we receive that capacity,if we upgrade to a bucket we will receive buckets worth,upgrade to a barrel,the barrel will be filled, upgrade to a barn and your increase is based on your faith and capacity to receive.Faith has lead me down this path,taking this step of faith knowing each and every day my needs are met,I am blessed in so many ways,but sometimes limited on my capacity to receive.
My attitude is changed today,putting my best foot forward,a smile on my face,knowing that just for today,I will make that extra effort,after all it is the least I can do to give back a part of me to others.
The day started off early 6:00am,with a smile on my face,I combed my hair washed my face,and put on an outfit.met my better half for breakfast,in the restaurant where it is complimentary bonus,he smiled gave me a kiss,when on his way after his meal.
came back to the room,the dogs where very quite,took them for a 40min walk,
sun was starting to break through,the weather much milder,I kept thinking to myself,what if I just kept walking,instead of turning back all the time.where would it lead me to?the dogs got to rumble,while I stopped and thought to get a coffee,my body so was craving,but I thought no,I also thought I have not been drinking enough water lately,water is good for the body and brain and an important part of my wellness
I think this is one component,I will monitor over the next week 8 glasses a day.
see how it affects my wellness.I am having a cup of decaf as I am blogging,another consideration that was on my mind,was business,so many people are on there way to work at that time of day,or finishing the night shift.Someone even honked at me I waved,at least I am not invisible today!I did say good-morning to each person I passed and smiled.Get back to the suite at the hotel,the dogs are barking so I put some music on to calm them it worked there resting now,quietly.
I'll catch up on some phone calls,taking care of the business for the day.
I am off to a good start,how do you start your day?

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Flying high in Bipolar

Flying high in bipolar,I am not talking about Mania,I am talking about acceptance,working with one's limitations and pushing them.Bipolar is a disorder that affects one's thinking and moods.Often stinking thinking is prevalent,or I can conquer the world today.Bipolar world is challenging daily,but we must be up to the task or we would not have been given the gift of Bipolar,I truly think that it is a gift,I know in the suffering and the initial fears,the freedom to become what is beyond the limits of our own minds,yes we get stuck,but as long as there is a pulse in out veins there are possibilities,only limited by our own imagination cause we can't see that far ahead,but take a good look at where you have been in life and where your at today.what do you see? progress right,be honest and give yourself a pat on the back,encourage yourself,be kind,as no one will ever know how the illness affects us but us,we persevered dedicate the rest our life to others in that alone is a miracle where we in that mindset say 10 yrs ago,probably not,have we killed ourself thrown in the towel like so many do.In the moments of tremendous suffering we learn and grow through them.
understanding is key just like acceptance is,otherwise we are stigmatized and stagmatized.
If we settle for this we have not made progress folks and it is up to us.
Together we can
Susan

The Bipolar Good-life

After much comtemplation,I stayed up last night.trying to figure out why I cannot log onto twitter,still in the loops,my mood changed I was laughing at my own jokes.I spent a good part of the night blogging,since I was de throwned from twitter.untill I fix the problem.Bipolar Good-life most of the time is spending figuring things out.
The other hotel had a non-smoking policy which mean't, I spent alot of time in the rain and cold.which contributed to my bad mood.I was trying to conserve the cash flow.I ditched that idea for the Marriott hotel a one bedroom suite,kingsize bed jacuzzi tub,kitchen, living room,sliding door so the dogs can go out.I can smoke in the room aahh after soaking my bones in the jacuzzi I am finally thawed out The good life for today is grand.I ate a buffet breakfast.there is swimming and fitness,
so I can spend my time indoors out of the cold.not to mention I am closer to the airport,and sunnier destintions,are dogs allowed in Punt Cana.They are at the Marriott.all I need now is fancy drink.twitter and I can call it a day.and early to bed.it really is calling me.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Bipolar Restlessness

Bipolar restlessness sets in after midnight,the ideas start flowing,places I want to go. This doesn't happen often during the day, I would be amazed with how much I would accomplish.but for this bipolar it is now this is why I have named the blog Midnightmatters.Some are day people I just happen to function better at night.after midnight the energy starts to flow.I went over the financials,set a few more things to do goal list but of course what can I do at this hour? I did not eat much today just a soup,so now I am hungry.I can't sleep unless I eat something.I have been wanting to change hotels,somewhere with more late night conveniences that are within walking distance.
My daughter graduation is also on my mind,I really want this to be a special day for her she has earned it.
I did go out for the evening for some social fun.it was nice to get out.I must have had 5 baths today,I find them so relaxing,restless sets in when I start to think ,I want to go to the casino it is open.but by the time I get a cab,blow the money,there is no guarantees to winning,so here I sit and blog.I was checking out Mariela Estrada book tonight,Bipolar girl.It nice to see such an accomplishment,and Clive Wild book,My life as a Mood Swinger.to be called an Author and earning a living. I am looking forward to the day when I have a book published.Why not me I ask? are my expectations to high.
or the effort that is required like getting an agent,signing a deal,writing the material,I have to narrow down my scope,page by page what is wanted and needed by Mental health Consumers?I know that for me the most difficult part of the illness is connecting the dots,following through,staying on task,the restless keeps me jumping around.not putting all my eggs in one basket,working on my own wellness program seems challeging enough,however I enjoy the connection,when someone reaches out to me for advice or information on Bipolar and Addiction.I think it is my approach,that is timely and demanding.so for now I'll continue to write that's what I have always done.thanks for reading
Comments welcomed

Technical difficulites with the blog or the Bipolar Brain

This bipolar brain has completely screwed up my blog,I was going to add color and make it visually more interesting. I have ruined the look of my blog,this has made me rather irritated with myself as I have learned to do computer stuff trial and error so my technical skills are limited,however am eager always to push ahead with the learning process.after hours of trying to figure out what I did wrong in the process I came to no conclusion yet,after a goodnight sleep and a rest this bipolar brain I can tackle it again,but I won't I will leave it for the time being till I find a better quality solutions,word press maybe?website? there are a few solutions I would prefer someone else coming up with a design or branding for me.that would be the easier softer way.but this bipolar likes to do everything the hard way.I love the challenge so when I am up to it i will add it to my growing list of things to do.
Thanks for reading

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Bipolar vs PMS


Bipolar vs PMS,readers will know I have been bitching all week,about everything.
what do you know my monthly came today.bloody relief,however it is 2 weeks early according to plan.My better half kept saying it was PMS.obviously he was right.It is his excuse for me being completely out of my mind.He laughed when I told him he said that he should write a novel on the topic.I yelled screamed,punched him told him I hated him,at that very moment I did.

Bipolar and PMS have similar traits,Moods fluctuate in 65% of women according to a study.with my monthly coming sooner the moods have been all over the place up down all around,within minutes..I was thinking to myself today the medications would at least take away this feeling,or the cycles would be shorter and longer.I will have to discuss this with the doctor.depending on how long these moods last and fluctuate.
hopefully it will just pass,and stability will return.With winter upon us sunshine is
not available days are dark gloomy and cold.like me.I sleep alot more during the days
up,all night which indicates to me,I am in mixed state hyper and depressed at the same time,to depression.occurring rapidly.

Bipolar features include agitation,anger,isolation,spending money,feelings of failure
over thinking,wanting to get things done but unable to follow though
The 7 day cycle,brings its own features cramps,low energy,tired,bleeding like a slaughter pig,bloating,irrational thinking.

Everything seems to overwhelming the response is fight or flight.
I can tell you the flight option is appealing leaving on that jet plane to hotter destinations,climates.

There is one problem I will have to get there.

Thanks for coming back xo

Bipolar nagging like a toothache.

This is a week of DA Bitch as you can see I have been complaining,bitching,just as this bipolar thing is getting the best of me.
Last week I thought I was slipping into depression when I really just had the flu,symptoms are very similar.this week I am Bipolar rapid-cycling and I am cycling as fast as I can.The nagging toothache feels very familiar in bipolar.pain, aches,complaining how things just re not going according to the thoughts in which I vision in my mind.instead suffering solitude cause really I can't stand the sight of myself at the moment nor do I really want others to see me.so I am invisible,I am still awake it's 7:30am.just ordered breakfast,and in search of a new hotel with upgraded luxuries.for example I still have not picked up a winter coat.so I have to go outside to smoke as I am in a non-smoking room.Really why is this as I smoke and it is fucking freezing out there now.My hair is a mess my eyebrows are matching the grey hairs that mix with the blond.I am less than impressed with luxury lurking around the corner.here I sit,agitated and restless.The gnawing of my tooth throbbing in my mouth I did take some Tylenol in hopes to elevate the pain,it does not take effect.As I rest my head in my hands pulling at the roots of my hair.
My brain is going faster than I can type.taking a sip of my coffee which is cooling down.I feel stuck I don't like this feeling.The solutions are many.I opt for this one.Why?to increase my frustration and anger the place which I call home?
Empowering myself,get a coat,book the dentist and change locations so things will work for me not against me.The Bitching will only last for so long till I get tired of listening to myself.then the action will be a result of getting my ass in gear.
although it may happen later,right now I need to sleep.so I'll do just that
Good-morning to you..it is lights out for me
Thanks for coming back please leave a comment I need to be inspired
the invisible bipolar

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Invisible in Bipolar

Days like today and days gone by I feel invisible usually when nothing special is going on,or my appearance is less than provocative.Does not matter how much I rant and rave attention is just not coming my way,as a women I do love being the center of attention.People smile,walking by but engaging is done on my part,I have not been caring or making the effort.It is like I have put up the wall.and I am invisible.
Do I exist here in blog world,twitter,face book,or even in my reality.
For the most part the past two weeks I have been with the dogs,at the hotel.I have not included a social life,which is very important part of my well being.quite frankly. all that has gone on this year,the time to myself is valued.could it be that some resentments are keeping me isolated.quite possible..Time does heal.
Feelings get hurt,mine included..I have some upcoming engagements that will take care of this lack of social.until then I'll keep to myself, mind my business.
let others take care of their own..I will also take my grandson for his one on one this week-end.I am missing the family.hope its true absence makes the heart grow fonder.
It is difficult when your family is your life,they've gone on living for there family
oh my how things truly do change,I'll just have to adjust making changes,keeping up the appearances
Thanks for dropping by

Ok not everything is because of Bipolar

OK not everything is because of bipolar.I am Scottish with a strong will and character.have you ever seen Brave heart.the Scots won the war with might and their bare hands.Thank-you
The fight is on with myself and everyone that comes into my territory.yes I am a BITCH a heartless one at that!!!
Life teaches you this.If I didn't bitch how in the hell would anything get done.
The day started very early 8;45 to be exact as you know at midnight matters,this is prime sleeping time for the Queen BITCH,the dogs from the neighbourhood at the hotel decided to come to the sliding doors and irritate Lucy and Luke,well Luke has my personality does not like other dogs and all hell broke loose.I draw the curtains to see what the hell was going on the owner of these canine thought it was funny.I was less than impressed with the sun glaring in my eyes.I walked the dogs to clear the path of least resistance all doggies fled to there proper places.as did there owners.
Not friendly,yeah not when your barking up the wrong tree asshole.
When when whats his face gets back from who knows where.He wants to go get the dogs new winter gear.sounds like fun.WRONG,I have to stop at several stores to get the right coats,try them on and off,different styles as mad dog see other dogs he goes wild dog gone wild..Mister asshole as he is otherwise called decides,uumm lets look at everything else in the store but what we came for.My level of tolerance is -20 at this point,I just want to get the goods and get the hell out of there.NOPE,NOTTA
new leashes,collars,coats,sweaters,oh and matching shit picker upper bags.
The dogs look better than we do,I still do not have a winter coat.the bill a whopping $240.00.with my less than dress to impress self.the fancy dogs,and whats his face we get back to the car.The screaming match begins.with me doing all the scream he tries to protect himself with a less than impressive argument.Please shut-up or make your point and it better be a valid one.Next stop wall-mart.this time I go by myself.ah it is not busy,so I fill the cart with,more doggie stuff toys,a bed,
bones,I get myself a $25,00 fleece track suit,That's right at walmart,I am styling now
since I threw out my bras I really must stop throwing my things out.I need a bra.
these puppies are not standing straight.Bags in hand I set off the alarm.she checks the receipt off to the car get in.He opens his mouth and says WHY DID YOU BUY A DOG BED..well those are the last words out of his mouth it set me off as an fire alarm.he has been bugging me for a new dog bed every time we go to walmart.so I get one.pretty nice yeah.WRONG again.I just lost my mind and temper..way beyond controllable.I changed my clothes in the car,yes in the car.we stop at Tim Horton's,I toss my old pants that had a hole in them in the garbage.get smokes quick before I must deliver
him back to his MOTHER.or a body bag whichever comes first.
ok so we walk the dogs at the park.I am continuing to yell and tell him he is an IDIOT
well should be end of story wright.WRONG again.now the dogs are barking mad,I am yelling,and he is still trying to explain,explain what exactly why your fucking pissing me off.oh his answer. must be PMS time again.Last straw buddy.drop me off at bingo.do not speak an.aahh but I was shaking like a loon I was so angry.
it took the whole session of bingo to calm and a beer at the bar finally.
I get back to the hotel,ready to get a bath,with bubbles he left the bags in the car after he said he had taken everything out of the car.so If I am half nuts exactly what does that make you.
It is 5am I am all fired up like a raging wildfire.sometimes the fire of BITCH is the
only thing that matters.
Thanks for reading keep coming back
comments not needed

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Goal setting triggers your subconscious computer.

I set goals but I fly by the skin of my chinny chin chin,It gives a feeling of accomplishment when I reach the goal,however with a full life like mine coming up with new things to do and creative ways to do them,with enjoyment seems to be the harder task.
rather than making decisions by flipping the coin,yes this is how I make every decision,in my life.flip the coin three times if it says heads up I proceed,if I get a tales I proceed with caution,three tales do not even go there.
I talk about connecting the dots.Its not the journey so much for me but the destination.details bore the hell out of me.
but one must know where they re headed at least what direction.would be suitable.
up,ahead,but at my age 46 I really don't like the picture my mind paints so I live in the moment.My girlfriend always said but what if you do wake up in the morning Susan..
Goals for the week
I tend to write them on paper and look at them cross them off as I get it done.
when I was manic I made a list of 30 things,my daughter said it was unrealistic.
I should shorten the list.however I did get it done!
I have since learned that a list of 5 things to do is easy, less stress and no pressure.which for this bipolar is the whole reason for the experiment.I really need another name for it but for now that is what I am calling.
Faith journey hhmm? liking the sound of that!
here's the list bipolar love to list things I do anyway a way compartmentalize my life.

1) get a winter coat....I gave mine all away

2) Prepare for my daughter graduation....I have started got the tickets and Limo
I have to take her for her dress.

3) Change hotels.......I want more luxuries

4) swimming instead .....of walking in the cold

5) one on ones with grandson...It is his turn

6) plan a vacation....Hot spot last minute Nov 7th all inclusive for 1 week

have to stop here....

Monday, October 12, 2009

Five ways to know your up...

Five ways to know your up!
1)When money is flowing I am up.
2)little or no need for sleep.
3)self-medicate with your vices ie shopping gambling,drinking,drugs,sex
4)keeping up appearances
5)socializing

Since Friday,I am feeling better.wheew I really thought I was headed for a depression but in fact I had the flu which will make one feel lousy,so if you haven`t had it yet,beware its nasty.

The week-end was filled with all my favorites,money,shopping,gambling.so to me that's fun,I skipped the whole Thanksgiving thing with the family I can tell you I did not miss the stress nor the calories.
I finally found a way to overcome the laundry task
rather than disposable clothes.I opted for a laudry service.I was going to do it myself.I really didn`t want to so I asked the local laundry mat if they have a wash and fold service,with two big garbage bags the lady put it on the scale, I paid $35:00,this was money well spent,I no longer have the stress of doing the laundry.
all the benefits of fresh clean clothes,and folded nicely.aahh perfect solution for a troubling laundry situation.for me anyways.
It gave me time to shop.which I needed some warm winter clothes.
This life I can get used to.it suits my lifestyle...
As the new weeks starts,I look forward to it as I am up,living the moments that are mine.
Enjoy your moments xo
Susan comments are welcomed

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Down but never out in bipolar

Down but never out in bipolar,Today there are rays of sunshine that somehow bring be comfort it is 1:30pm just woke up,I stepped out to have a smoke and wow there is some sun today! after days of rain and cold,my mood is still that of depression or low mood as I call it.am I confusing this with the flu,as I have been very sick for over a week with no ease at all.I have vowed to stop walking in the rain and cold it is only making me worse but it does help the mood.
Complaining seems to make feel invisible,chicken soup does sooth the soul,I may be down but never out.I'll just take the time to rest and recuperate,in hopes that will
help..but if not, the meds will..temporarily elevate the symptoms of depression.
This is not my favorite part of Bipolar,depression is a sad place to be everyone around you seems happy and I can't even crack a smile.energy is low,very low typing this is taking much effort as everything in my body seems to hurt.
When we are sick we talk about it the flu,bipolar what ever gets us down.the thing with the flu is it goes away,Bipolar never does,I have to cancel thanksgiving as I am just not up to it..My health is more important,so I take care of that.
thanks for reading
comments are appreciated

Friday, October 9, 2009

Thanksgiving time to cook up something.

Thanksgiving,time to cook up something..Turkey,mashed potatoes,stuffing all the fixing
I am on my sabbatical from cooking so how is this going to work? Family are calling me
what's for dinner,where is it going to be? Well as you know I am staying at a hotel.
so the answers for the questions I am not able to answer,but with alot of hungry people,that seem to rely on me for the feast.I have 3 days to go.
The plan.
1)skip it altogether I don't need the work ot the calories
2)order Turkey dinner to go a few hotels have this options feeding 12 people for 150.00 dessert included.
3)Mother Tuckers all you can eat buffet.this is the most costly.with me flipping the bill.
4) pick up the food,get up early go to my daughter and cook...yuk I don't like this option.
As you can see I have a few solutions,now the hard part pick one!


The thinking about the dinner is the easy part..doing it, without the wanting to do it well that's another story.
I love the family..just not the cooking or cleaning
with family there is always lots of that.
The reason for Thanksgiving is to be Thankful..I am just that Thankful
that is all I could ask for.Turkey dinner sounds good too.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

As Depression sets in..


I have had bipolar for 15 yrs..I have learned signs and symptoms.
There are factors that contribute to a bout of depression.









1) The weather.when it is cold outside,and the sun is not shining..I personally just want to go back to bed and snuggle under the blankets and sleep..aahh that's better.
2) Mood is quite,with aggitation the slightest noise irriates me!
3) Isolating,I really just want to be left alone.
4) Appearance get neglected.
5) Sick..physical symptoms nausea,vomiting,urination,headaches,weakness
6) darkness the world feels dark in depression.just like my mood
7) serious,no laughter,emotions pop out of know where,sad overall,really about nothing,gloom and doom.
8)decrease in appetite or increase in sweet cravings
9) Everything seem like an effort of energy,which I don't have.
10) Repeats daily for weeks and months

Monday, October 5, 2009

The aftermath in Bipolar

Today started rather late after my night of gambling,around 2pm the front desk was calling to see if the suite needed anything.I hung up the phone thinking why do they bother when I have the DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door.
I had some banking to do,its a good thing I was awake.the sun is shining today and the milder weather is welcomed,The dogs loved the walk feeling frisky Lucy is getting in the habit of walking on her own,she is such a diva.
had calls from my children they are missing mom.I miss them to,but sometimes the heart grows fonder with a little time apart,it is Thanksgiving this Monday so we all get together for that.
When I was driving to the bank,the roadway was slowed down with various tow trucks,
and big wheel vehicles the tanker truck was loaded on two tow truck in a millions small pieces,it made me think I have the nerve to complain even when I think I am in a mess it is not near as bad as this guys day or the aftermath of the accident.did he survive?
I spent far to much last night at the casino,I needed to get out,this morning I was thinking I could have managed the money better.made it last longer that the couple of hours that it was in my hands,after all I am living on faith and God did supply
why do I have to get in the way to mess it up.
The aftermath is the consequence of not thinking,behavioral acting out in bipolar is
damaging,but not as damaging as the truck that is in a million pieces
I survived.
Comments are welcomed

Is Today Sunday


Sunday is my favorite day of the week.I was eager to get the day started with a breakfast brunch.around 7am I feel asleep till noon,with a feeling of distortion and fog in my brain.I decided I needed to do the laundry.can't seem to retire this duty
either I get disposable clothes,or drop of my laundry to get washed.somehow the first option appeals to me.I really don't like the thought of someone sniffin my panties,that past the afternoon.Then it was time for bingo yes.Women where outside complaining about there wifely and motherly duties,housework,cooking dishes and laundry,and the fact the kids are spoiled and nothing or no one helps.
I finally said yes I am free.what a wonderful thought.
I did win again,so I am on target with the financials to.
G55.one thousand dollars not bad for an evening out.
I am feeling, better from the cold I had.
Monday is one day I get to sleep unless of course there is something to wake up to.
Have a great day..xo

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Agnes exactly why are you pissing your pants?


Agnes is this lady I met at the hotel,she considers herself middle aged she is 46yrs old,the same age as me.In her appearance you can see the weariness has taken hold of her face,also doesn't keep herself well,in her clothing she wears track pants that seem over-sized for her plump body frame.
Agnes hair is wavy shoulder length that seems not to have had a comb through it in weeks,coloured blond to cover the greys that peak from her crown.
I went to her room today to take her a coffee and have a chat her room was a bit unmade,books and papers cluttered the table.She was sipping her tea,as it dripped down her mouth onto the side of her face.Agnes went to the bathroom,as she started to cough.it was quite noticeable that in each cough Agnes had pissed her pants.
The coughing continued.I had said she should cut down on smoking.smoking is worse than crack.I can't afford to smoke,it is like a bad habit gone bad,I thought the wrinkles around my mouth was from sucking to much C&*ck,it may be from smoking I responded.We laughed
She cleaned up the mess and changed her pants,everything smells like piss in her laundry bag,I sprayed some perfume as the smell was making me gag.
I left her room thinking what could possibly make her piss her pants,is part of the aging process,is it time for her to wear diapers,I mean she is the same age as myself.Her moods made my bipolar symptoms seem mild..apparently she is normal
Is this normal I asked myself.don't judge the way one walks as you have not walked in there shoes.or wore there pants.
thanks for reading
till next time comment are appreciated

Saturday, October 3, 2009

It is not my plan..But it is my life

It is not my plan... but it is my life.
I am a spirit lead person which means.I personally don't make plans.Goals yes but not plans I am very spontaneous..when the wind blows.I blow..
This can be very upsetting for others.for example My daughters graduation from her college program as a legal assistant on Nov 5th.yesterday was the last day to buy the tickets.I called the the client service rep as I really wanted to postpone it till Monday surely he'll understand,it's raining,Friday night traffic,I have a cold.
Byron the director said indeed this is the last day for tickets it was 4:30pm he leaves at 5:00.Daughter calls quite upset with me as I have known all year.Isn't that why she went to school to graduate.
I made my hubby come home early from work to drive downtown in that chaotic traffic,yelling at him,why does he always take the longest route,can't he go faster
meanwhile traffic,drivers are blocking the intersection clearly we couldn't move
I am yelling at the other drivers calling them idiots for blocking the intersection really who does this..camel drivers.It's Toronto welcome
4:55 call Byron the guy that has the tickets to tell him I am stuck in traffic.
He said he'll wait.I had rushed out of the hotel.with a smocked summer dress,sneakers,a grey flannel jacket..It is October.Got the tickets as he explained how much of a big deal and effort he put into organizing the graduation.
This is a big occasion for my daughter I am very proud of her~
back to the car where he had been waiting for me on Shuter st.The dogs had to pee so I let them walk for bit.
with 1 hour drive back to the hotel on Friday night.
didn't stop there no I had to go to bingo even though I look ridiculous in a dress
in the rain and cold.did that stop me no way.
I said the money has to come from somewhere..I won
wheew being spontaneous is easy for me as things always work..but for others waiting on me and they do like to plan there days and lives..
I realize this..but it works for me.
much love Susan
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A blog dedicated to strength,courage and hope.
Mental Illness and addictions is a disease,it should be treated as such recovery is possible.
My goal is to carry the message to those that still suffer that you will not have to be in isolation. be free my friend at last.
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