midnightmatters

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About this blog

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Toronto, Ontario, Canada
This Blog is not for the faint of heart,my direct approach is to address the importance of lifestyle choices.. education and awareness.the story will unfold Midnight matters ..days just slip away..and nights get longer writing has been a passion of mine now I share it with my audience. sharing my stength.hope,faith Everything in between Thanks for visiting come back soon!

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Saturday, October 31, 2009

Daughter of mine..

My youngest daughter is 26,she is graduating from college on Thursday,and is pregnant with her first child.It makes momma proud
Our relationship over the years has always been challenging,as her personality is very much like mine.
Friday night I headed downtown to meet her as we had to get her grad outfit,our shopping trips gone by,are always in and out of every single store,she doesn't ever find something she likes.I really wanted to make this a special occasion for her as the memories,positive ones that will remain with her for life.
Amazing, my always late daughter was on time.bonus with the fact of little to no traffic on our way downtown.I was off to a good start,I had to make a point to have fun.I normally panic when we head to the mall together,as I just want to get the hell out,not this time we looked into a few stores,found a sales rep that was pleasant,she whipped together a dress,scarf,brooch,purse,my daughter was beaming with a smile,I ask her if this is the outfit she said I love it.My hard to please daughter was impressed at the cash we joked and laughed.We had fun!
I had told her I got the tired mom to be a day at the spa,The elm wood an exclusive spa,water therapies,massage,facial manicure/pedicure and a three course lunch.
This should relieve any stress or worry before her big day.
I asked her to stay overnight,ran her a jacuzzi bath,we stayed up all night talking,
we never run out of words to say we talk,debate.with her fragile hormonal state.
I have to take it easy with her.she is still young and has alot of growing and learning to do.just like we all did.I also have to remember that my daughter is just like me yet she is an individual.strong,beautiful.
The bond that we share is action pact,never leaving a dull moment.
I guess the good lord wants to keep me on my toes.
My daughter just called to say on the subway ride home, lots of people where dressed for Halloween,she loves to dress up and have fun,not this year she a pregant mom to be,she said next year she can take her son out, party days are over something she will have to get use to.
Thanks for reading
Thanks for reading have a good night

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Jumping Jackpots

Last night I went shopping finally,the outfit included Jeans,Jean Jacket top,a bra & panties.I can tell ya these boobs are appreciate the supreme lift,they are back where they should be.I went to bingo feeling very confident with my appearance,although I was wearing high heel sandals,in late October.
It was a rainy night,I hit a 500.00 jackpot cool..then the 1000.00 sweet.
I was flipping my coin,remember this is how I make life decisions.Jumped in a cab,which was a luxury Chevy van,headed to the casino.Right off the bat jackpot 375.00
Good so I didn't have to touch what I came with,then another 675.00,then another 400.00 and another 475.00 hit the 1000.00 on the dollar slots.It was as if I could do nothing wrong.It felt really good to walk out of the casino at 6am,with loot in hand.got cab back to the Hotel,had breakfast complimentary every morning.I had a Jacuzzi bath,thinking how good life is.
Risk taking is not always easy,but the victories are so sweet.
I got ready for some sleep,awake at 9am,refreshed.this is day 12 of the sleep/wake pattern.I thought staying up all night would blow me into deep sleep all day.
Nope I guess I need all the time I can get JACKPOT!
Thanks for coming back,Please post a comment

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

A Compassionate look into addiction.First person

I was shuffling in bed with this title in my head.I woke up sat at the computer, had to go for breakfast thinking about the topic of compassion,addiction a walk down memory lane. A glimpse into childhood,as I never dwell there to long,but here it goes.
I would see my father drunk,a drink accompanied all occasion,happy, sad or just plain boredom.with the drunken stupor came violence,mostly bar brawls,and domestic.In those days father could take us in the bars,or let us play at the park.Mother was unable to protect herself much less us from fathers outbursts of anger.I always blamed her for not getting father the help he needed,he was a very sick man.and she was weak.The environmental component to addiction, Children learn what they see.deviant behaviors are used to obtain drug of choice.Mother and Father both relied on the social welfare system,father would engage in frauds to provide for his habit,Mother would rely on other men to supply her needs.
Mother was an emotional junkie,anything for attention.
I grew into a teenager with views of how I wanted to live my life,very strong ones at that refused to be anything like my parents,there is the genetic component of addictions called DNA,
I had my first drink of alcohol,by the time I was 11 years old,probably before that as Mom told us Dad would put whisky in our baby bottles to get us to sleep.
When we where cranky.
I did everything not to be an alcoholic except drink,I knew what the signs were.
the writing is on the wall for most drunks.
drinking for me was a way to clear my mind,relax,have some fun,great fun most times until I tried to stop drinking.Could it be the very thing I denied in life was in fact a way of life.To avoid the withdrawal symptoms one must drink.I also was deeply involved in drugs,don't they just go together,the mix would take me to another place,sometimes driving down young St on the wrong side of the road,bars where like home to me.Hotels are a safer place.shh no one knows.
Compulsion to engage in an activity despite harmful consequences,deemed by myself,health, mental state,or social life
This topic has been lurking in my mind,as an addict that has been foolish as I did enjoying drug induced euphoria than more popular acceptable lifestyles.
Addiction is a choice..Some don't get the chance.
I was downing the pain meds for my impacted wisdom tooth.I thought how easy this addiction thing happens,it starts with a drink, pill,smoke,sex,food gambling
Internet,porn the list goes on and on..I have a symptom in which I want to go way
or a feeling.it remains until I get the next fix of the drug of choice.
The emotional fixation acquired through learning,aiming to avoid specific discomfort.
Through the years I have learned that the addiction process starts Innocent,but can steal many years of life and living having to learn how to live as I was dead for so long..thanks for reading

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A perfect stranger

It has been my experience that a perfect stranger can offer assistance and kindness that no other can,not a family member, friend or colleague
A stranger in the the dark,is like an angel in the park.
Today started rather later,I woke up at 7am,but with all the meds I am taking for the tooth,which I did see the dentist yesterday,he said it is an impacted wisdom tooth,that is rubbing against the nerve and is infected,he said we could take it out but he would have to peel me off the ceiling as the pain is enormous.what is this the pain is unbearable.He said go see an oral surgeon and he can put you to sleep by this time it was 6pm,I went home
after a good-nights sleep my head is hurting many people calling today they seem concerned.I will receive this.It is 3;30pm spent the afternoon on the phone,sharing,laughing,
I have to go out at 5;00 work on the money issue,hopefully something works in my favor today
all is well that ends well.the money came through
eating a steak dinner,with zuccini&mushrooms yummo
thanks for coming back,
The pain in the tooth is finally gone,food was delicious.

Monday, October 26, 2009

It's a beautiful day in Toronto

It's a beautiful day in Toronto the sun is shining,the mild weather is seems like spring.Started the day early,however I didn't even open the curtains,I have been napping late afternoons,so I planned my walk for this time slot,2pm did not work today it is rather dead just my luck,I really need to make cash today so I am doing my money chant.hopefully someone will hear it..The dogs are even quite today.
our walk was peaceful,they romped in the leaves.I really need to get batteries for my camera.they are playing tug of war with there leashes.right now Luke is the dominating force.Lucy is just letting him have his way.He stops to glaze out the patio window.quietly .I am dressed and ready to finally address the tooth issue,I'll be so happy to see my dentist,I think he will just give me a antibiotic and ask me to come back when the infection is gone,I'll see.
My guess is that in the over thinking I do about every little detail,does not allow for the action to occur,this week I will attempt to act before I think.I know for most it is the other way around,but what works for me may not work for you.
It looks like I may have to move from this fancy hotel do my overspending and lack of income thus farthis week but remember it is faith journey,I took a look in the mirror I really like what I see today.I am answering the phone and will make it through another day.
the calm,quite,is so wonderful..I am off to the hustle and bustle of Toronto.
Have a great day!

Blowing the cash flow

Blowing the cash flow,yesterday a beautiful sunny day,mild here in Toronto it felt like spring,I was awake at 6am on a Sunday,went for breakfast.Then decided to blow some cash,gambling.I didn't get a jackpot.Worry starts to play with my mind,I need to maintain the lifestyle I so love!When the thought of worry set in I replace it with faith and believe that just for today everything is alright.but is it really?
The point when I decide to blow money that I really have no business spending.I should do something that is less expensive like painting a piece of art.with the autumn colors in bloom, I have the inspiration to paint,but yet to put it into action.
This morning I have to concentrate on working replacing the money,for this week.
I also have considered spending less time on social media,as it does take up alot of time.that means filling the time with work.
This afternoon I am off to the dentist to finally address the toothache.
I also really need a new look,hairdo and some clothes,I do tend to put things off.
Not this week,however I have some social gatherings next week,I really have to look my best.that is the goal of the week.doing my best and looking my best. Do you put things off?what goals do you have today?
Leave a comment thanks Susan

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Life is like a pot of stew

Life is like a pot of stew..add ingredient...let it simmer..add some spice...mix it up..share and enjoy..Don't forget the bread and butter.

OK so I broke down,and cooked a meal after a long sabbatical.I use food to shut people up..I am a great cook, when I cook everyone eats and shuts right up no wonder!

I just ate two bowls of stew,simply delicious,as I meditated on the food.and my new found appreciation for my skills..beef,onions,lentils,vegetables,squash variety of spice..buttered roll.
let it simmer,mix it up, share and enjoy.

I had to save some for my daughter who is coming to spend the evening with Mom.
she is really looking forward to my cooking,it's been awhile and she is six months pregnant with her first child,she has an appetite.
My daughter has inherited mothers moodiness.with her pregnancy,her hormones are all over the place,making her rather emotional,to be expected.

Back to the pot,if you don't like the heat get out of the kitchen.
the pot of stew is to share similar to our lives,our children learn so much from us.
making it tasty,so it goes down smoother.has not always been one of my own skills.
but after the pot of stew..they shut up and listen up!
thanks for reading.With love

Bipolar living update

Bipolar living update.A week with the wellness program,I truly believe when I do what is required of me it works.It has proven over and over again when I make the effort I see the results.the differences are sleep/wake cycle,moods,appetite.
This morning is day seven of waking up at 6am,I mean for this girl it is really unusual,a miracle of sorts as I am,usually going to bed at this time. I go to breakfast,I never eat breakfast I mean other than 3 cups of coffee just to get going.
but I have an egg,piece of toast and some bran cereal.a cup of decaf.piece of fruit
I come back to the suite,then go on-line for abit,twitter is very inspiring.originally when I started to tweet I thought are these people for real,with all the positive thinking,In my world although I can be positive I think negative a disease of the brain called Bipolar, the positive tweets really do inspire me.
The dogs and I went for a walk around 8am this morning the weather is mild a welcome break from the rain and cold.I was leisurely walking at slower than usual pace.taking in the quietness,the calm,and the colours of the trees.I said good-morning to people as I passed.I stopped at one tree it seemed to be in bloom the leaves where yellow I was in awe.I stopped at the store to get some scratch tickets,want to the picnic bench,can't they ever put three of a kind on these tickets?
My daughter is also on my mind,I am going to call her and see if she wants to come and spend the night with me.I am missing the family.I know they are missing me as well.The laundry that I started to prepare to take to the drop off,where they wash and fold the laundry.even that takes effort.I should opt for disposable clothes.instead.
it is almost 10 am the housekeeping should be by soon.I love this.then I'll cook,a beef stew.with vegetables least today I am showing some love.the kinder side of me.
I am listening to the radio, all I want to do is have some fun I got a feeling I am not the only one is getting me dancing that's fun.Another favorite song Tonight the night lets live it up I gotr my money let's kick it move it move it..do again do it do it here we go easy come easy go.I got a feeling tonight's gonna be a good night!
the power of positive thinking can you feel it?
What do you consider fun?
Thanks for dropping by while your at leave a comment!

Friday, October 23, 2009

Married for dental benefits..I should have married the dentist

There is alot of talk about relationships,marriage,love.I was 36 when I met the man of my dreams.I was self-employed with no benefits.I had a wisdom tooth that sent me into excruciating pain after hours of course.I went to the hospital
where they presumed I was there for the drugs.with my face swollen,the Demerol did not suffice.They gave me a number to call,which I did immediately as the pain was intolerable,the guy at the desk said I should call in the morning it was 4am.lucky for me the dentist said he would meet me at his office,but I would have to pay cash,as he does not take welfare clients.I was not on welfare good thing,he said it would be $750.00 on the spot.I said I have the cash. work was busy that day.
The wisdom tooth was impacted,and was removed.I just wanted it out. I took a cab home,against the rules someone was suppose to pick me up according to the dentist,like who? I thought the cab driver.
Just before..I even contemplated marriage,with my hubby..benefits where of most importance to me,as I didn't want to go through that ordeal ever again.
But here I sit,I missed my appointment yesterday with my wonderful dentist that I have seen regularly since I got married as preventative maintenance was important.
This week I had a small nagging toothache,which if I had gone to see the dentist yesterday, It would be problem solved.no not for this girl that continues to suffer in crucial pain I mean it equivalent to pangs of child labour.Six Tylenol, 2 codeine pills,clove oil and Ora gel,ice pack clued to my face.I am thinking why didn't I just marry the dentist.
Just had to post this,more on love and relationships the shocking truth

Thursday, October 22, 2009

A Journey into Bipolar World A Tragic Comedy

A journey into Bipolar World A tragic Comedy needs our support.The Show want to extend its audience to schools and community the have entered a competition for funding.Jason who is the playwright has bipolar,A look into his life.
Education and Awareness for our youth about the Illness od Bipolar and how it affects the suffer and the family.Let's get them the funding for a valued cause.
I appreciate your support in advance.
thanks Susan xo
Together we can

Pet therapy in Bipolar

Pet therapy,in the bipolar treatment process.This is Lucy my mini dachshunds birthday.
She is 9lbs and sweet as can be.her traits are much like mine spoiled and fussy.
If you could see them now Lucy and Luke are on the couch spread out with there paws in the air sound asleep,it is just the cutest sight and makes me smile,not to mention they are absolutely peaceful and quite.
When I got the dogs,I was just coming off medications,Lucy always slept with me and would alert me if someone was at the door,or there where noise in the vincity.as most of my days then,where spent in bed.with the odd appointments,I could never stray to far or to long as she would be missing me.I got Luke as a Christmas present for her and myself.he was just to darn handsome.and with 2 days before Christmas he needed a home.Little did I know.how much of an impact these dogs would have on my well-being.They would cuddle and lick me when I over-slept,they would nudge me to take them for a walk when really all I wanted to do was stay in bed.but I could not
off we went to explore,meet and greet people.play with children at the daycare.
Then this morning I have been walking like crazy twice a day for an hour or more
however now I really believe they have been walking me all this time.
which lead me to think about pet therapy and service dogs for Bipolar.well much to my surprise there was alot of information on this very topic.However I did not explore this option for my own benefit.as I read on disability rights and service dogs.I require a letter from the doctor and I can take the dogs to public places
as most of my time is spent in or walking and I have been wanting to get things done.
For example shopping,dentist and according to the law,service dogs are welcomed in public places, an interesting theory which I will discuss with the doctor.they keep me calm,watch what I am doing and where I am going.
So there could be some validity to the service dog option and I will let you know what progress I make with the doctor and therapist.
Thanks for reading and please let me know if you have a pet and the benefits to your Bipolar or Mental Health

Will the real me stand up


Will the real me stand up! this change in lifestyle,certainly is agreeing with me.
I have simplified my life,reduced stress,and am living at the Marriott,with all the conveniences I could ask for,housekeeping,breakfast and dinner served in the dining room,included in the cost of the suite,last night I cooked a dinner of spinach and fish.my favorite.I have been focused on my wellness,which includes daily walks twice a day for at least an hour,swimming for 1/2 hour and a sauna.I have a jacuzzi bath,an afternoon nap,nutrition and mindful meditation.This is the fourth day I have been consistent in my efforts,the results are good mood,laughter,sleep.wake pattern has changed significantly I am awake from 5am-6am,
and in bed sleeping before midnight.last night I was sleeping at 9pm the last time I had such results when I was focused on my own wellness.I have added social 2x per week,as well as working.these are all beneficial to my overall health and well being.
I wonder how long this will last? and if I can maintain this pace without the crash.
I am monitoring my energy levels and moods,so far so good.I have also pushed myself to answer the phone,something I rarely do,and say hello to everyone I pass along in my day.talking to those that wish to talk.I also have started the day with shower and dress,full make-up and all.this helps me to put my best foot forward each day.
I just wanted to share what works for me..It is a challenge as I treat the illness
without meds.Some days are better than others.For now I'll take what I can get,while increasing my capacity to receive.
Have a blessed day in wellness,if your not there yet,try one of the above suggestion and see if it works for you.

Comments are welcomed

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

All that exercise helps with sleep pattern in bipolar

Exercise seems to help with sleep pattern and moods in bipolar,yesterday I was awake at 6am, I had two walks which where an hour or more each and a swim for 45 minutes.
The weather also was mild,and the sunshine was delightful..This week my focus is back on track to monitor my symptoms and maintain my wellness program.I also added 2 hours of social an evening out with friends, listening to music was calming and energizing.I pushed myself,an made an effort to say hello to everyone that I came in contact with. I also made the dentist appointment that I postponed for a week. I was in bed around 1am,which is early for this bipolar,however I did also have a late afternoon nap,we are suppose to avoid
the unavoidable naps.I will try again today.It is 6am Tuesday I awoke from a deep sleep.well rested and now I am ready for breakfast,The focus today will be nutrition.
adding the vegetables and water,as I have been neglectful also of this very important component of wellness.I also will make an effort to work today,I will follow through with phone calls and answering the phone.limiting my computer use today.Bipolar seems to want to keep me down,truly it is the fight of a lifetime.I love good fight and a challenge.maintaining the energy to do it daily,sometimes I just need more strength.
I am getting ready showered and dressed to put my best foot forward for another day.
wishing you all wellness and strength just for today.xo
Thanks for visiting come back soon xo

Monday, October 19, 2009

Increasing my capacity to recieve

I was watching Joel Olsteen,last night his topic was Increasing your capacity to receive,the concept was you can not put new wine in an old wine skin,and that if we have a cup we receive that capacity,if we upgrade to a bucket we will receive buckets worth,upgrade to a barrel,the barrel will be filled, upgrade to a barn and your increase is based on your faith and capacity to receive.Faith has lead me down this path,taking this step of faith knowing each and every day my needs are met,I am blessed in so many ways,but sometimes limited on my capacity to receive.
My attitude is changed today,putting my best foot forward,a smile on my face,knowing that just for today,I will make that extra effort,after all it is the least I can do to give back a part of me to others.
The day started off early 6:00am,with a smile on my face,I combed my hair washed my face,and put on an outfit.met my better half for breakfast,in the restaurant where it is complimentary bonus,he smiled gave me a kiss,when on his way after his meal.
came back to the room,the dogs where very quite,took them for a 40min walk,
sun was starting to break through,the weather much milder,I kept thinking to myself,what if I just kept walking,instead of turning back all the time.where would it lead me to?the dogs got to rumble,while I stopped and thought to get a coffee,my body so was craving,but I thought no,I also thought I have not been drinking enough water lately,water is good for the body and brain and an important part of my wellness
I think this is one component,I will monitor over the next week 8 glasses a day.
see how it affects my wellness.I am having a cup of decaf as I am blogging,another consideration that was on my mind,was business,so many people are on there way to work at that time of day,or finishing the night shift.Someone even honked at me I waved,at least I am not invisible today!I did say good-morning to each person I passed and smiled.Get back to the suite at the hotel,the dogs are barking so I put some music on to calm them it worked there resting now,quietly.
I'll catch up on some phone calls,taking care of the business for the day.
I am off to a good start,how do you start your day?

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Flying high in Bipolar

Flying high in bipolar,I am not talking about Mania,I am talking about acceptance,working with one's limitations and pushing them.Bipolar is a disorder that affects one's thinking and moods.Often stinking thinking is prevalent,or I can conquer the world today.Bipolar world is challenging daily,but we must be up to the task or we would not have been given the gift of Bipolar,I truly think that it is a gift,I know in the suffering and the initial fears,the freedom to become what is beyond the limits of our own minds,yes we get stuck,but as long as there is a pulse in out veins there are possibilities,only limited by our own imagination cause we can't see that far ahead,but take a good look at where you have been in life and where your at today.what do you see? progress right,be honest and give yourself a pat on the back,encourage yourself,be kind,as no one will ever know how the illness affects us but us,we persevered dedicate the rest our life to others in that alone is a miracle where we in that mindset say 10 yrs ago,probably not,have we killed ourself thrown in the towel like so many do.In the moments of tremendous suffering we learn and grow through them.
understanding is key just like acceptance is,otherwise we are stigmatized and stagmatized.
If we settle for this we have not made progress folks and it is up to us.
Together we can
Susan

The Bipolar Good-life

After much comtemplation,I stayed up last night.trying to figure out why I cannot log onto twitter,still in the loops,my mood changed I was laughing at my own jokes.I spent a good part of the night blogging,since I was de throwned from twitter.untill I fix the problem.Bipolar Good-life most of the time is spending figuring things out.
The other hotel had a non-smoking policy which mean't, I spent alot of time in the rain and cold.which contributed to my bad mood.I was trying to conserve the cash flow.I ditched that idea for the Marriott hotel a one bedroom suite,kingsize bed jacuzzi tub,kitchen, living room,sliding door so the dogs can go out.I can smoke in the room aahh after soaking my bones in the jacuzzi I am finally thawed out The good life for today is grand.I ate a buffet breakfast.there is swimming and fitness,
so I can spend my time indoors out of the cold.not to mention I am closer to the airport,and sunnier destintions,are dogs allowed in Punt Cana.They are at the Marriott.all I need now is fancy drink.twitter and I can call it a day.and early to bed.it really is calling me.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Bipolar Restlessness

Bipolar restlessness sets in after midnight,the ideas start flowing,places I want to go. This doesn't happen often during the day, I would be amazed with how much I would accomplish.but for this bipolar it is now this is why I have named the blog Midnightmatters.Some are day people I just happen to function better at night.after midnight the energy starts to flow.I went over the financials,set a few more things to do goal list but of course what can I do at this hour? I did not eat much today just a soup,so now I am hungry.I can't sleep unless I eat something.I have been wanting to change hotels,somewhere with more late night conveniences that are within walking distance.
My daughter graduation is also on my mind,I really want this to be a special day for her she has earned it.
I did go out for the evening for some social fun.it was nice to get out.I must have had 5 baths today,I find them so relaxing,restless sets in when I start to think ,I want to go to the casino it is open.but by the time I get a cab,blow the money,there is no guarantees to winning,so here I sit and blog.I was checking out Mariela Estrada book tonight,Bipolar girl.It nice to see such an accomplishment,and Clive Wild book,My life as a Mood Swinger.to be called an Author and earning a living. I am looking forward to the day when I have a book published.Why not me I ask? are my expectations to high.
or the effort that is required like getting an agent,signing a deal,writing the material,I have to narrow down my scope,page by page what is wanted and needed by Mental health Consumers?I know that for me the most difficult part of the illness is connecting the dots,following through,staying on task,the restless keeps me jumping around.not putting all my eggs in one basket,working on my own wellness program seems challeging enough,however I enjoy the connection,when someone reaches out to me for advice or information on Bipolar and Addiction.I think it is my approach,that is timely and demanding.so for now I'll continue to write that's what I have always done.thanks for reading
Comments welcomed

Technical difficulites with the blog or the Bipolar Brain

This bipolar brain has completely screwed up my blog,I was going to add color and make it visually more interesting. I have ruined the look of my blog,this has made me rather irritated with myself as I have learned to do computer stuff trial and error so my technical skills are limited,however am eager always to push ahead with the learning process.after hours of trying to figure out what I did wrong in the process I came to no conclusion yet,after a goodnight sleep and a rest this bipolar brain I can tackle it again,but I won't I will leave it for the time being till I find a better quality solutions,word press maybe?website? there are a few solutions I would prefer someone else coming up with a design or branding for me.that would be the easier softer way.but this bipolar likes to do everything the hard way.I love the challenge so when I am up to it i will add it to my growing list of things to do.
Thanks for reading

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Bipolar vs PMS


Bipolar vs PMS,readers will know I have been bitching all week,about everything.
what do you know my monthly came today.bloody relief,however it is 2 weeks early according to plan.My better half kept saying it was PMS.obviously he was right.It is his excuse for me being completely out of my mind.He laughed when I told him he said that he should write a novel on the topic.I yelled screamed,punched him told him I hated him,at that very moment I did.

Bipolar and PMS have similar traits,Moods fluctuate in 65% of women according to a study.with my monthly coming sooner the moods have been all over the place up down all around,within minutes..I was thinking to myself today the medications would at least take away this feeling,or the cycles would be shorter and longer.I will have to discuss this with the doctor.depending on how long these moods last and fluctuate.
hopefully it will just pass,and stability will return.With winter upon us sunshine is
not available days are dark gloomy and cold.like me.I sleep alot more during the days
up,all night which indicates to me,I am in mixed state hyper and depressed at the same time,to depression.occurring rapidly.

Bipolar features include agitation,anger,isolation,spending money,feelings of failure
over thinking,wanting to get things done but unable to follow though
The 7 day cycle,brings its own features cramps,low energy,tired,bleeding like a slaughter pig,bloating,irrational thinking.

Everything seems to overwhelming the response is fight or flight.
I can tell you the flight option is appealing leaving on that jet plane to hotter destinations,climates.

There is one problem I will have to get there.

Thanks for coming back xo

Bipolar nagging like a toothache.

This is a week of DA Bitch as you can see I have been complaining,bitching,just as this bipolar thing is getting the best of me.
Last week I thought I was slipping into depression when I really just had the flu,symptoms are very similar.this week I am Bipolar rapid-cycling and I am cycling as fast as I can.The nagging toothache feels very familiar in bipolar.pain, aches,complaining how things just re not going according to the thoughts in which I vision in my mind.instead suffering solitude cause really I can't stand the sight of myself at the moment nor do I really want others to see me.so I am invisible,I am still awake it's 7:30am.just ordered breakfast,and in search of a new hotel with upgraded luxuries.for example I still have not picked up a winter coat.so I have to go outside to smoke as I am in a non-smoking room.Really why is this as I smoke and it is fucking freezing out there now.My hair is a mess my eyebrows are matching the grey hairs that mix with the blond.I am less than impressed with luxury lurking around the corner.here I sit,agitated and restless.The gnawing of my tooth throbbing in my mouth I did take some Tylenol in hopes to elevate the pain,it does not take effect.As I rest my head in my hands pulling at the roots of my hair.
My brain is going faster than I can type.taking a sip of my coffee which is cooling down.I feel stuck I don't like this feeling.The solutions are many.I opt for this one.Why?to increase my frustration and anger the place which I call home?
Empowering myself,get a coat,book the dentist and change locations so things will work for me not against me.The Bitching will only last for so long till I get tired of listening to myself.then the action will be a result of getting my ass in gear.
although it may happen later,right now I need to sleep.so I'll do just that
Good-morning to you..it is lights out for me
Thanks for coming back please leave a comment I need to be inspired
the invisible bipolar

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Invisible in Bipolar

Days like today and days gone by I feel invisible usually when nothing special is going on,or my appearance is less than provocative.Does not matter how much I rant and rave attention is just not coming my way,as a women I do love being the center of attention.People smile,walking by but engaging is done on my part,I have not been caring or making the effort.It is like I have put up the wall.and I am invisible.
Do I exist here in blog world,twitter,face book,or even in my reality.
For the most part the past two weeks I have been with the dogs,at the hotel.I have not included a social life,which is very important part of my well being.quite frankly. all that has gone on this year,the time to myself is valued.could it be that some resentments are keeping me isolated.quite possible..Time does heal.
Feelings get hurt,mine included..I have some upcoming engagements that will take care of this lack of social.until then I'll keep to myself, mind my business.
let others take care of their own..I will also take my grandson for his one on one this week-end.I am missing the family.hope its true absence makes the heart grow fonder.
It is difficult when your family is your life,they've gone on living for there family
oh my how things truly do change,I'll just have to adjust making changes,keeping up the appearances
Thanks for dropping by

Ok not everything is because of Bipolar

OK not everything is because of bipolar.I am Scottish with a strong will and character.have you ever seen Brave heart.the Scots won the war with might and their bare hands.Thank-you
The fight is on with myself and everyone that comes into my territory.yes I am a BITCH a heartless one at that!!!
Life teaches you this.If I didn't bitch how in the hell would anything get done.
The day started very early 8;45 to be exact as you know at midnight matters,this is prime sleeping time for the Queen BITCH,the dogs from the neighbourhood at the hotel decided to come to the sliding doors and irritate Lucy and Luke,well Luke has my personality does not like other dogs and all hell broke loose.I draw the curtains to see what the hell was going on the owner of these canine thought it was funny.I was less than impressed with the sun glaring in my eyes.I walked the dogs to clear the path of least resistance all doggies fled to there proper places.as did there owners.
Not friendly,yeah not when your barking up the wrong tree asshole.
When when whats his face gets back from who knows where.He wants to go get the dogs new winter gear.sounds like fun.WRONG,I have to stop at several stores to get the right coats,try them on and off,different styles as mad dog see other dogs he goes wild dog gone wild..Mister asshole as he is otherwise called decides,uumm lets look at everything else in the store but what we came for.My level of tolerance is -20 at this point,I just want to get the goods and get the hell out of there.NOPE,NOTTA
new leashes,collars,coats,sweaters,oh and matching shit picker upper bags.
The dogs look better than we do,I still do not have a winter coat.the bill a whopping $240.00.with my less than dress to impress self.the fancy dogs,and whats his face we get back to the car.The screaming match begins.with me doing all the scream he tries to protect himself with a less than impressive argument.Please shut-up or make your point and it better be a valid one.Next stop wall-mart.this time I go by myself.ah it is not busy,so I fill the cart with,more doggie stuff toys,a bed,
bones,I get myself a $25,00 fleece track suit,That's right at walmart,I am styling now
since I threw out my bras I really must stop throwing my things out.I need a bra.
these puppies are not standing straight.Bags in hand I set off the alarm.she checks the receipt off to the car get in.He opens his mouth and says WHY DID YOU BUY A DOG BED..well those are the last words out of his mouth it set me off as an fire alarm.he has been bugging me for a new dog bed every time we go to walmart.so I get one.pretty nice yeah.WRONG again.I just lost my mind and temper..way beyond controllable.I changed my clothes in the car,yes in the car.we stop at Tim Horton's,I toss my old pants that had a hole in them in the garbage.get smokes quick before I must deliver
him back to his MOTHER.or a body bag whichever comes first.
ok so we walk the dogs at the park.I am continuing to yell and tell him he is an IDIOT
well should be end of story wright.WRONG again.now the dogs are barking mad,I am yelling,and he is still trying to explain,explain what exactly why your fucking pissing me off.oh his answer. must be PMS time again.Last straw buddy.drop me off at bingo.do not speak an.aahh but I was shaking like a loon I was so angry.
it took the whole session of bingo to calm and a beer at the bar finally.
I get back to the hotel,ready to get a bath,with bubbles he left the bags in the car after he said he had taken everything out of the car.so If I am half nuts exactly what does that make you.
It is 5am I am all fired up like a raging wildfire.sometimes the fire of BITCH is the
only thing that matters.
Thanks for reading keep coming back
comments not needed

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Goal setting triggers your subconscious computer.

I set goals but I fly by the skin of my chinny chin chin,It gives a feeling of accomplishment when I reach the goal,however with a full life like mine coming up with new things to do and creative ways to do them,with enjoyment seems to be the harder task.
rather than making decisions by flipping the coin,yes this is how I make every decision,in my life.flip the coin three times if it says heads up I proceed,if I get a tales I proceed with caution,three tales do not even go there.
I talk about connecting the dots.Its not the journey so much for me but the destination.details bore the hell out of me.
but one must know where they re headed at least what direction.would be suitable.
up,ahead,but at my age 46 I really don't like the picture my mind paints so I live in the moment.My girlfriend always said but what if you do wake up in the morning Susan..
Goals for the week
I tend to write them on paper and look at them cross them off as I get it done.
when I was manic I made a list of 30 things,my daughter said it was unrealistic.
I should shorten the list.however I did get it done!
I have since learned that a list of 5 things to do is easy, less stress and no pressure.which for this bipolar is the whole reason for the experiment.I really need another name for it but for now that is what I am calling.
Faith journey hhmm? liking the sound of that!
here's the list bipolar love to list things I do anyway a way compartmentalize my life.

1) get a winter coat....I gave mine all away

2) Prepare for my daughter graduation....I have started got the tickets and Limo
I have to take her for her dress.

3) Change hotels.......I want more luxuries

4) swimming instead .....of walking in the cold

5) one on ones with grandson...It is his turn

6) plan a vacation....Hot spot last minute Nov 7th all inclusive for 1 week

have to stop here....

Monday, October 12, 2009

Five ways to know your up...

Five ways to know your up!
1)When money is flowing I am up.
2)little or no need for sleep.
3)self-medicate with your vices ie shopping gambling,drinking,drugs,sex
4)keeping up appearances
5)socializing

Since Friday,I am feeling better.wheew I really thought I was headed for a depression but in fact I had the flu which will make one feel lousy,so if you haven`t had it yet,beware its nasty.

The week-end was filled with all my favorites,money,shopping,gambling.so to me that's fun,I skipped the whole Thanksgiving thing with the family I can tell you I did not miss the stress nor the calories.
I finally found a way to overcome the laundry task
rather than disposable clothes.I opted for a laudry service.I was going to do it myself.I really didn`t want to so I asked the local laundry mat if they have a wash and fold service,with two big garbage bags the lady put it on the scale, I paid $35:00,this was money well spent,I no longer have the stress of doing the laundry.
all the benefits of fresh clean clothes,and folded nicely.aahh perfect solution for a troubling laundry situation.for me anyways.
It gave me time to shop.which I needed some warm winter clothes.
This life I can get used to.it suits my lifestyle...
As the new weeks starts,I look forward to it as I am up,living the moments that are mine.
Enjoy your moments xo
Susan comments are welcomed

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Down but never out in bipolar

Down but never out in bipolar,Today there are rays of sunshine that somehow bring be comfort it is 1:30pm just woke up,I stepped out to have a smoke and wow there is some sun today! after days of rain and cold,my mood is still that of depression or low mood as I call it.am I confusing this with the flu,as I have been very sick for over a week with no ease at all.I have vowed to stop walking in the rain and cold it is only making me worse but it does help the mood.
Complaining seems to make feel invisible,chicken soup does sooth the soul,I may be down but never out.I'll just take the time to rest and recuperate,in hopes that will
help..but if not, the meds will..temporarily elevate the symptoms of depression.
This is not my favorite part of Bipolar,depression is a sad place to be everyone around you seems happy and I can't even crack a smile.energy is low,very low typing this is taking much effort as everything in my body seems to hurt.
When we are sick we talk about it the flu,bipolar what ever gets us down.the thing with the flu is it goes away,Bipolar never does,I have to cancel thanksgiving as I am just not up to it..My health is more important,so I take care of that.
thanks for reading
comments are appreciated

Friday, October 9, 2009

Thanksgiving time to cook up something.

Thanksgiving,time to cook up something..Turkey,mashed potatoes,stuffing all the fixing
I am on my sabbatical from cooking so how is this going to work? Family are calling me
what's for dinner,where is it going to be? Well as you know I am staying at a hotel.
so the answers for the questions I am not able to answer,but with alot of hungry people,that seem to rely on me for the feast.I have 3 days to go.
The plan.
1)skip it altogether I don't need the work ot the calories
2)order Turkey dinner to go a few hotels have this options feeding 12 people for 150.00 dessert included.
3)Mother Tuckers all you can eat buffet.this is the most costly.with me flipping the bill.
4) pick up the food,get up early go to my daughter and cook...yuk I don't like this option.
As you can see I have a few solutions,now the hard part pick one!


The thinking about the dinner is the easy part..doing it, without the wanting to do it well that's another story.
I love the family..just not the cooking or cleaning
with family there is always lots of that.
The reason for Thanksgiving is to be Thankful..I am just that Thankful
that is all I could ask for.Turkey dinner sounds good too.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

As Depression sets in..


I have had bipolar for 15 yrs..I have learned signs and symptoms.
There are factors that contribute to a bout of depression.









1) The weather.when it is cold outside,and the sun is not shining..I personally just want to go back to bed and snuggle under the blankets and sleep..aahh that's better.
2) Mood is quite,with aggitation the slightest noise irriates me!
3) Isolating,I really just want to be left alone.
4) Appearance get neglected.
5) Sick..physical symptoms nausea,vomiting,urination,headaches,weakness
6) darkness the world feels dark in depression.just like my mood
7) serious,no laughter,emotions pop out of know where,sad overall,really about nothing,gloom and doom.
8)decrease in appetite or increase in sweet cravings
9) Everything seem like an effort of energy,which I don't have.
10) Repeats daily for weeks and months

Monday, October 5, 2009

The aftermath in Bipolar

Today started rather late after my night of gambling,around 2pm the front desk was calling to see if the suite needed anything.I hung up the phone thinking why do they bother when I have the DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door.
I had some banking to do,its a good thing I was awake.the sun is shining today and the milder weather is welcomed,The dogs loved the walk feeling frisky Lucy is getting in the habit of walking on her own,she is such a diva.
had calls from my children they are missing mom.I miss them to,but sometimes the heart grows fonder with a little time apart,it is Thanksgiving this Monday so we all get together for that.
When I was driving to the bank,the roadway was slowed down with various tow trucks,
and big wheel vehicles the tanker truck was loaded on two tow truck in a millions small pieces,it made me think I have the nerve to complain even when I think I am in a mess it is not near as bad as this guys day or the aftermath of the accident.did he survive?
I spent far to much last night at the casino,I needed to get out,this morning I was thinking I could have managed the money better.made it last longer that the couple of hours that it was in my hands,after all I am living on faith and God did supply
why do I have to get in the way to mess it up.
The aftermath is the consequence of not thinking,behavioral acting out in bipolar is
damaging,but not as damaging as the truck that is in a million pieces
I survived.
Comments are welcomed

Is Today Sunday


Sunday is my favorite day of the week.I was eager to get the day started with a breakfast brunch.around 7am I feel asleep till noon,with a feeling of distortion and fog in my brain.I decided I needed to do the laundry.can't seem to retire this duty
either I get disposable clothes,or drop of my laundry to get washed.somehow the first option appeals to me.I really don't like the thought of someone sniffin my panties,that past the afternoon.Then it was time for bingo yes.Women where outside complaining about there wifely and motherly duties,housework,cooking dishes and laundry,and the fact the kids are spoiled and nothing or no one helps.
I finally said yes I am free.what a wonderful thought.
I did win again,so I am on target with the financials to.
G55.one thousand dollars not bad for an evening out.
I am feeling, better from the cold I had.
Monday is one day I get to sleep unless of course there is something to wake up to.
Have a great day..xo

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Agnes exactly why are you pissing your pants?


Agnes is this lady I met at the hotel,she considers herself middle aged she is 46yrs old,the same age as me.In her appearance you can see the weariness has taken hold of her face,also doesn't keep herself well,in her clothing she wears track pants that seem over-sized for her plump body frame.
Agnes hair is wavy shoulder length that seems not to have had a comb through it in weeks,coloured blond to cover the greys that peak from her crown.
I went to her room today to take her a coffee and have a chat her room was a bit unmade,books and papers cluttered the table.She was sipping her tea,as it dripped down her mouth onto the side of her face.Agnes went to the bathroom,as she started to cough.it was quite noticeable that in each cough Agnes had pissed her pants.
The coughing continued.I had said she should cut down on smoking.smoking is worse than crack.I can't afford to smoke,it is like a bad habit gone bad,I thought the wrinkles around my mouth was from sucking to much C&*ck,it may be from smoking I responded.We laughed
She cleaned up the mess and changed her pants,everything smells like piss in her laundry bag,I sprayed some perfume as the smell was making me gag.
I left her room thinking what could possibly make her piss her pants,is part of the aging process,is it time for her to wear diapers,I mean she is the same age as myself.Her moods made my bipolar symptoms seem mild..apparently she is normal
Is this normal I asked myself.don't judge the way one walks as you have not walked in there shoes.or wore there pants.
thanks for reading
till next time comment are appreciated

Saturday, October 3, 2009

It is not my plan..But it is my life

It is not my plan... but it is my life.
I am a spirit lead person which means.I personally don't make plans.Goals yes but not plans I am very spontaneous..when the wind blows.I blow..
This can be very upsetting for others.for example My daughters graduation from her college program as a legal assistant on Nov 5th.yesterday was the last day to buy the tickets.I called the the client service rep as I really wanted to postpone it till Monday surely he'll understand,it's raining,Friday night traffic,I have a cold.
Byron the director said indeed this is the last day for tickets it was 4:30pm he leaves at 5:00.Daughter calls quite upset with me as I have known all year.Isn't that why she went to school to graduate.
I made my hubby come home early from work to drive downtown in that chaotic traffic,yelling at him,why does he always take the longest route,can't he go faster
meanwhile traffic,drivers are blocking the intersection clearly we couldn't move
I am yelling at the other drivers calling them idiots for blocking the intersection really who does this..camel drivers.It's Toronto welcome
4:55 call Byron the guy that has the tickets to tell him I am stuck in traffic.
He said he'll wait.I had rushed out of the hotel.with a smocked summer dress,sneakers,a grey flannel jacket..It is October.Got the tickets as he explained how much of a big deal and effort he put into organizing the graduation.
This is a big occasion for my daughter I am very proud of her~
back to the car where he had been waiting for me on Shuter st.The dogs had to pee so I let them walk for bit.
with 1 hour drive back to the hotel on Friday night.
didn't stop there no I had to go to bingo even though I look ridiculous in a dress
in the rain and cold.did that stop me no way.
I said the money has to come from somewhere..I won
wheew being spontaneous is easy for me as things always work..but for others waiting on me and they do like to plan there days and lives..
I realize this..but it works for me.
much love Susan

Thursday, October 1, 2009

About power and control in bipolar

Power and control in this bipolar,there are many factors while I insist on being in control,yet so out of control at the same time,when I can control my circumstances and environment having things in line, are somewhat less chaotic for me.as I ponder the control issues of myself and others,I see that money has been the root,of power and control,when I have the money everything and everyone is within my control.people places and things I am free to engage in my behaviors.
The issue of control as long as things go according to my plan it is smooth sailing for everyone,but how realistic is this when others are involved.
The very thing I love has been taken away for the time being as I have no money today.
humbled by the mere fact,of having to ask the Hotel Manager a cute as pie south african, if I could pay for my suite tomorrow I was up all night how to get out of asking I really hate asking or being humbled in this way.I always pay whats due.This not being able to is in part of financial fumbling and living way beyond what is coming in.engaging in a spending spree that at the moment I can't possible keep up with or can I we will soon see.
But for today I am here at the hotel,humbled,asking for help is harder than giving the help thats for sure.recieving help is making me question my abilities,and my resources at this present time.
Power over my own life comes from one place in my heart God,The realization that money
is about the control.
I'm able to see the difference today
There is only one thing I can control and with Bipolar this gets tougher and tougher
is my actions.It really does take a daily effort to keep the Bipolar dragon at bay.
Accepting the facts of my reality is the hardest truth.
like it or not I am out of control.God is in control take over I can't be bothered any more
Thanks for listening comments are appreciated

Thankful Thursday

Somedays it easier than others to count our blessings,usually it is Thankful Thursday. Today is the day,I will count my blessings
1) I have warm clothes that I finally got from my storage unit while I was there I grabbed my bible,I am warmer and stronger for that.
2)I am thankful for God that works through me and in me as I am here today as a result of his mercy and grace.
3) I am in a beautiful hotel suite for another day hopefully,as I really really like it.
4) I am getting over the worst of the flu bug I am thankful for that.
5) I am thankful for the rest I am about to receive.
Gratitude will change your attitude..
What are you Thankful for this Thursday?
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The reason of all reasons

A blog dedicated to strength,courage and hope.
Mental Illness and addictions is a disease,it should be treated as such recovery is possible.
My goal is to carry the message to those that still suffer that you will not have to be in isolation. be free my friend at last.
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