Chance or Choice

After a morning of pampering,hair,waxing,manicure/pedicure.I got back to the hotel
feeling refreshed,those feelings of being beaten down or what's the point have vanished.Although I am still and quite within,this spiritual warfare.all I can say is yes it was triggered but I have to deal with, the way it makes me feel.Things I did
1) read my bible
2) prayed for them and myself
3) rested
4)expressed my feelings
5)pampered myself

I turned on the computer,and was reminded by the death of a bipolar friend,that some don't get that chance or choice,how valuable life and living are,that my primary purpose is to carry the message to those that still suffer.That I must keep on keeping on.I may not see it or feel it at times,that I still have my own things to work through,that my judgements on others have no place in my heart.That my spirituality,just like my mental and physical health depends on my conditioning.
Those days when I feel like throwing in the towel,or why even bother to get out of bed.I am reminded today.I have a chance and a choice.In memory of those that did not.
Thank-you for making my day!

Next disconnect my cell phone?

This day I woke up at noon very late,as a trigger from family members,has sent me feeling pissed off,that they have the nerve to mess with my mojo,I go out of my way to show them love and they in turn want to argue fuss and fight,however this time was different I did not fight,I listened and gave some insight to there feelings,hm this is quite different approach for me.after a good nights sleep,I really did not want to face the day,but here it goes..Still resentful to others I am.It makes me think where is this coming from? Could family members really not like the fact I am living and happy? Doing things the way I like it for a change,not people pleasing.
AAhh the Doctor did say they may not like it as they have become use to my people pleasing putting others first.Interesting but in such a mean fashion.
Live and let live in AA.this does include myself maybe they need a program of recovery? I cannot keep making amends,or getting manipulated cause they think I owe them something.I have been given one life,mine.Today all that matters is that I live each day to the best of my ability for today!
As I sort through my own feeling on the issue,I will disconnect my cell phone,so members of the family cannot contact me whenever they feel to make demands,expectations,or just having a bad day.I am not the one to save all others.
or the world knowledge bank.
We all have work to do,on our quality of living,I just have to take into account some are happy with the way,and standard of life, regardless of what or how I feel?
I have a higher standand for myself and cannot impose that on others.
Many would like to walk in my footsteps.but can't, they are not wearing my shoes.The trigger has put me into a bit of slump.One thing that is good is the awareness that it happened.I called the phone company,asked to change the phone number the friendly gent asked of I had a number in mind,two came 1-800-Pay-me or 1-800 don't call.
He laughed and said he could do it now,wonderful..I have a private number in which no one gets this exclusive number.not even my better half..children,or family.
Works for me!

Joy takers.Family& friends

I was enjoying my own company,when I thought I would entertain some family members,
The problem is many of them get jealous and seem to be more miserable when I am living and happy making there judgements,accusations,and character attacks.
I have been doing really good as we know living my life the way I see fit,it may not be suitable for others and to tell you the truth I couldn't care less.It suits me fine and really that's all that matters.I had put away some cash I was ahead of the game these family triggers made me blow a load of cash.I'll make it back and they can
F%^^&***( right off.with there demanding and argumentative ways.I am in for the fight
just not with others.it takes my peace and joy.I work to hard for that.
They need me I don't need them.To bad so sad.It will be a long time before they see me again.Thanks for letting me get this out
Comments are welcomed

Daughter of mine..

My youngest daughter is 26,she is graduating from college on Thursday,and is pregnant with her first child.It makes momma proud
Our relationship over the years has always been challenging,as her personality is very much like mine.
Friday night I headed downtown to meet her as we had to get her grad outfit,our shopping trips gone by,are always in and out of every single store,she doesn't ever find something she likes.I really wanted to make this a special occasion for her as the memories,positive ones that will remain with her for life.
Amazing, my always late daughter was on time.bonus with the fact of little to no traffic on our way downtown.I was off to a good start,I had to make a point to have fun.I normally panic when we head to the mall together,as I just want to get the hell out,not this time we looked into a few stores,found a sales rep that was pleasant,she whipped together a dress,scarf,brooch,purse,my daughter was beaming with a smile,I ask her if this is the outfit she said I love it.My hard to please daughter was impressed at the cash we joked and laughed.We had fun!
I had told her I got the tired mom to be a day at the spa,The elm wood an exclusive spa,water therapies,massage,facial manicure/pedicure and a three course lunch.
This should relieve any stress or worry before her big day.
I asked her to stay overnight,ran her a jacuzzi bath,we stayed up all night talking,
we never run out of words to say we talk,debate.with her fragile hormonal state.
I have to take it easy with her.she is still young and has alot of growing and learning to do.just like we all did.I also have to remember that my daughter is just like me yet she is an individual.strong,beautiful.
The bond that we share is action pact,never leaving a dull moment.
I guess the good lord wants to keep me on my toes.
My daughter just called to say on the subway ride home, lots of people where dressed for Halloween,she loves to dress up and have fun,not this year she a pregant mom to be,she said next year she can take her son out, party days are over something she will have to get use to.
Thanks for reading
Thanks for reading have a good night

Jumping Jackpots

Last night I went shopping finally,the outfit included Jeans,Jean Jacket top,a bra & panties.I can tell ya these boobs are appreciate the supreme lift,they are back where they should be.I went to bingo feeling very confident with my appearance,although I was wearing high heel sandals,in late October.
It was a rainy night,I hit a 500.00 jackpot cool..then the 1000.00 sweet.
I was flipping my coin,remember this is how I make life decisions.Jumped in a cab,which was a luxury Chevy van,headed to the casino.Right off the bat jackpot 375.00
Good so I didn't have to touch what I came with,then another 675.00,then another 400.00 and another 475.00 hit the 1000.00 on the dollar slots.It was as if I could do nothing wrong.It felt really good to walk out of the casino at 6am,with loot in hand.got cab back to the Hotel,had breakfast complimentary every morning.I had a Jacuzzi bath,thinking how good life is.
Risk taking is not always easy,but the victories are so sweet.
I got ready for some sleep,awake at 9am,refreshed.this is day 12 of the sleep/wake pattern.I thought staying up all night would blow me into deep sleep all day.
Nope I guess I need all the time I can get JACKPOT!
Thanks for coming back,Please post a comment

A Compassionate look into addiction.First person

I was shuffling in bed with this title in my head.I woke up sat at the computer, had to go for breakfast thinking about the topic of compassion,addiction a walk down memory lane. A glimpse into childhood,as I never dwell there to long,but here it goes.
I would see my father drunk,a drink accompanied all occasion,happy, sad or just plain boredom.with the drunken stupor came violence,mostly bar brawls,and domestic.In those days father could take us in the bars,or let us play at the park.Mother was unable to protect herself much less us from fathers outbursts of anger.I always blamed her for not getting father the help he needed,he was a very sick man.and she was weak.The environmental component to addiction, Children learn what they see.deviant behaviors are used to obtain drug of choice.Mother and Father both relied on the social welfare system,father would engage in frauds to provide for his habit,Mother would rely on other men to supply her needs.
Mother was an emotional junkie,anything for attention.
I grew into a teenager with views of how I wanted to live my life,very strong ones at that refused to be anything like my parents,there is the genetic component of addictions called DNA,
I had my first drink of alcohol,by the time I was 11 years old,probably before that as Mom told us Dad would put whisky in our baby bottles to get us to sleep.
When we where cranky.
I did everything not to be an alcoholic except drink,I knew what the signs were.
the writing is on the wall for most drunks.
drinking for me was a way to clear my mind,relax,have some fun,great fun most times until I tried to stop drinking.Could it be the very thing I denied in life was in fact a way of life.To avoid the withdrawal symptoms one must drink.I also was deeply involved in drugs,don't they just go together,the mix would take me to another place,sometimes driving down young St on the wrong side of the road,bars where like home to me.Hotels are a safer place.shh no one knows.
Compulsion to engage in an activity despite harmful consequences,deemed by myself,health, mental state,or social life
This topic has been lurking in my mind,as an addict that has been foolish as I did enjoying drug induced euphoria than more popular acceptable lifestyles.
Addiction is a choice..Some don't get the chance.
I was downing the pain meds for my impacted wisdom tooth.I thought how easy this addiction thing happens,it starts with a drink, pill,smoke,sex,food gambling
Internet,porn the list goes on and on..I have a symptom in which I want to go way
or a feeling.it remains until I get the next fix of the drug of choice.
The emotional fixation acquired through learning,aiming to avoid specific discomfort.
Through the years I have learned that the addiction process starts Innocent,but can steal many years of life and living having to learn how to live as I was dead for so long..thanks for reading

A perfect stranger

It has been my experience that a perfect stranger can offer assistance and kindness that no other can,not a family member, friend or colleague
A stranger in the the dark,is like an angel in the park.
Today started rather later,I woke up at 7am,but with all the meds I am taking for the tooth,which I did see the dentist yesterday,he said it is an impacted wisdom tooth,that is rubbing against the nerve and is infected,he said we could take it out but he would have to peel me off the ceiling as the pain is enormous.what is this the pain is unbearable.He said go see an oral surgeon and he can put you to sleep by this time it was 6pm,I went home
after a good-nights sleep my head is hurting many people calling today they seem concerned.I will receive this.It is 3;30pm spent the afternoon on the phone,sharing,laughing,
I have to go out at 5;00 work on the money issue,hopefully something works in my favor today
all is well that ends well.the money came through
eating a steak dinner,with zuccini&mushrooms yummo
thanks for coming back,
The pain in the tooth is finally gone,food was delicious.