midnightmatters

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Toronto, Ontario, Canada
This Blog is not for the faint of heart,my direct approach is to address the importance of lifestyle choices.. education and awareness.the story will unfold Midnight matters ..days just slip away..and nights get longer writing has been a passion of mine now I share it with my audience. sharing my stength.hope,faith Everything in between Thanks for visiting come back soon!

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Thursday, November 19, 2009

Thankful Thursday How lucky am I

Thankful Thursday,well this week I am thankful for kindness,increasing my capacity to receive,and weight loss. I start the day with prayer and gratitude there is a change in my attitude.I woke up at 10am,went for an hour walk in the rain with a grateful heart,the dogs however where not impressed.
Money is tight once again,I asked the manager if I could pay for my suite tomorrow.
I really hate to ask,pride.
He said kindly no problem.well I can tell you it was a problem for me.fear pride and humility.The room service lady took long to clean the suite.minor irritant
once gain work is dead.I had not planned for that.I did my on-line work,had a nap,
when doubt comes in I start wonder,what the hell I am doing?
I am thankful for my capacity to receive.exactly what did I receive today,patience..
never been my forte..understanding others,rest and peace of mind, weight loss I can tell you about two dress sizes and 50lbs since I came off the meds,this is making me feel lighter,the body shape is coming back bonus!
However I have not been eating my vegetables,some things are important and this is one of them I really notice a difference in mood going towards low.when I cut this part out.
Evening came,I did socialize with a few others from the hotel that have other dogs.came back and then..the post from another got me fired up..
finally some fire under my ass.
the topic was education.many people say I am lucky that I don't have to take meds.
where exactly is the luck? I was med resistant,which means for two years of med compliance,adverse side-effects,sickness,vomiting,shits,zombie land,I could not think write talk,my hands shaking like I was epileptic.80lb weight gain not able to work.sitting in a room alone.I didn't want anyone to see me like that,much less my family and friends.
what came next..teaching myself about the illness..I had no supports oh yes a Phychiatrist that sent me to learn,it started small.no coffee OMG he such a prick!
eat vegetables without the dip,get real,what planet is he from anyways.
However he was so darn cute I kept going back to see him.really that is why I did.
God does have a sense of humor with stubborn people like me.
Another thing no drugs and no alcohol,oh come on I am going to an all inclusive resort
in Punta Cana..he said all inclusive doesn't mean you have to drink everything available.one drink
I stopped smoking weed,from 1/2 quarter to not inhaling.now that's progress
sunlight was another one of his bright ideas.now really how is that possible when I sleep 10-14 hours a day at that time.exclusively a nocturnal night owl.
sun hurts my eyes.
it was the hardest thing in those days to roll over and get to the appointment,most days I just didn't roll just back over and back to sleep.
everything I did,group,therapy,meds nothing worked maybe a day or week.I just wanted my life back.to live
I would walk sometimes maybe to the store to get smokes,then I got the dog.they need to walk,so they took me along sometimes pulling and dragging,but I walked to the park.once I was out we would keep going,from 5 mins to an hour every morning.then again in the afternoon.finally some sunlight and nature beauty was surrounding me once again.things looked colorful.dark dark and dreary as days gone by.
Then an occupational therapist introduced me to mindful meditation.maybe she's nutcase I thought to myself.we did it together.2 minutes worked dily to 20 minutes.suddenly over time racing thought disappeared.
The doctor and myself where happy with the result.I was still slipping in nd out however.then the therapist challenged me finally something to do.work on me!
not on others by controlling them or my environment I learned about triggers,this was insightful and welcomed by family members calmness became a new thing..handling things that came up like conflicts,calmly expressing myself and allowing them to do so.aahh the anger was subsiding
I began to reach out to others..social slowly as the fits of anger where embarrassing to others.I would go out for set time slots initially 1.2 hrs then worked my way up to hours if I was ok.once or twice a week.
I could go on and on I will do a part two to this post but for now the point is it has nothing to do with luck to be med free and the suffering one goes through on meds
is hell on earth.at least it was to me.but slowly behavioral and lifestyle changes
monitoring and maintenance on a the daily,mapping moods,so much to do it takes work nothing comes easy,but the work is showing results.
I was lucky to be up for the challenge always did things they said I couldn't
How are you doing at this moment on your journey with Mental health and Addictions?

Love the moment.flowers grow out of dark places.Therefore each moment is vital.it affects the whole.Life is a succession of such moments and to live each..is to succeed~Corita Kent

2 comments:

  1. I agree with you that it isn't luck but a lot of hard work. Meds don't agree with me either. Makes me a mess and I shake violently. I have had to learn more not taking them to cope and trudge at times. Keep up the good work Susan

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Kirsty

    How long have you been on and off meds..has your illness been worse or better either way
    Have you a wellness plan
    Thanks much for your comments
    Keep coming back!
    Susan

    ReplyDelete

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The reason of all reasons

A blog dedicated to strength,courage and hope.
Mental Illness and addictions is a disease,it should be treated as such recovery is possible.
My goal is to carry the message to those that still suffer that you will not have to be in isolation. be free my friend at last.
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